Caught girlfriend yesterday and don't know how to proceed

[NewLeaf512]

Err, mate, you are in for shock.....

 

Just try to slightly change your outlook.

 

Never knock sense into anyone. (You didn`t) (They disagree with you, respect it)

 

You come across as hugely insecure.

 

Meet a girl who appreciates you for who you are and vice versa.

 

It works!

 

But good luck on your quest.

 

Pickle tell me you didn't hear Frank in the background

 

Frank: [singing] Well, you got caught with a flat/well, how about that? Well babies, don't you panic. By the light of the night/it'll all seem all right. I'll get you a satanic mechanic! I'm just a sweet transvestite/from Transexual, Transylvania. Why don't you stay for the night? Or maybe a bite? I could show you my favorite obsession. I've been making a man/with blond hair and a tan. And he's good for relieving my tension. I'm just a sweet transvestite from Transexual, Trasylvania.

[Haydn]

Pickle tell me you didn't hear Frank in the background

 

Frank: [singing] Well, you got caught with a flat/well, how about that? Well babies, don't you panic. By the light of the night/it'll all seem all right. I'll get you a satanic mechanic! I'm just a sweet transvestite/from Transexual, Transylvania. Why don't you stay for the night? Or maybe a bite? I could show you my favorite obsession. I've been making a man/with blond hair and a tan. And he's good for relieving my tension. I'm just a sweet transvestite from Transexual, Trasylvania.

 

Frank Butcher? `Ullo treacle`

[dreamingoftigers]

My last relationship ended after I got cheated on. It was the worst time of my life, my ego was so hurt. I ended up in a psych ward because I didn't know how to act. It took me about 9 months to fully recover from it. I then started dating again and finally found "the one". I thought this was everything I ever wanted in a woman: She just came from Europe, was 18, a virgin, marriage material, behaved perfectly, crazy about me and enjoyed everything I did. We've been together for over a year and our relationship was going downhill for the last few months of it. I imagined anything from her but not this, she cheated on me too! So obviously despite all her apologizing and begging, I dumped her, but I am so crushed. Haven't been able to eat, sleep, concentrate on anything, am in constant pain. I don't think I can do this again, trying to avoid drinking and pot but I don't think I can hold of for much longer. Why is everyone so dishonest with me? I am also attractive and had all the chances, but never cheated on anyone, it would make me feel like **** about myself. Please help, I don't know what to do and feel like there's no one else out there left for me and even if there is, I can't look any more.

 

It isn't " you."

 

I honestly think part of it is the age and maturity level.

 

Some people don't outgrow that crap until their mid-20s. Some people NEVER outgrow it.

 

I find most people want to 'try on' a bunch of relationships and sexual partners before marrying. (Not me. I wanted to keep it to me and a special partner.But now that I'm older and my husband isn't very interested in our intimate life, I very much regret missing out on it.)

 

You sound like you have the right idea about forming a nice future marriage etc. You just need to find a girl that respects the same values you do.

 

She may not be a virgin by the tebyiu meet her though because she may have had a relationship that SHE was committed to, but the guy was a dolt.

 

Just like the one you had.

[dreamingoftigers]

I know she's a human, just that she striked me as an "honest" human.

I always get attacked, mostly by women when they find out about my obsession with virgins. It really has no explanation, I simply feel like I can never be happy with someone who isn't. Every time I lay a finger on her, all what's going through my mind is that someone else touched her before me. I've tried before with non virgins, all it lead to is that I treated her as a lesser being, which she really didn't deserve, so yeah maybe I'm sick. I told myself this last time, if I don't find exactly what I'm looking for I'll stay single my whole life.

I feel so empty today and all I want to do is forgive her, my ego will never allow it.

 

I had the same thing when I was younger. Wanted a virgin guy. I found the way that most guys act is really gross. (Promiscuous). Then on top of it all they expect the woman they are with to accept their gross past behaviour.

 

I had to grow out of that line of thinking.

 

I did for a few reasons.

 

1. Virtually all the men I dated long-term were virgins when I met them. That was fine. In fact the sexual chemistry tended to be good because they weren't pulling moves they learned somewhere else. BUT sometimes once you get with a guy, all of a sudden he thinks he's "The King of Women." Because if he got you, now that means he can get 10000. Ha.

 

2. By the time I was on my third virgin, and that failed miserably after two years and a broken engagement. It really crushed me. But I also came to realize, outside of strong religious convictions most virgins aren't ready to settle down and feel like they missed out on something. I wasn't going to get married and have the life I wanted if I kept trying to tag virgins (while not being one.)

 

3. It wasn't that I "wouldn't date anyone that wasn't a virgin." Because not being a virgin myself by that point, that would be hypocritical and ridiculous. So, eventually, I met someone that WASN'T a virgin and was ready to settle down.

 

4. I wasn't bringing virginity to the table so I couldn't have that expectation for my partner.

[dreamingoftigers]

Thats exactly why I realized that I needed a virgin, I know it's unfair to treat anyone badly because of past decisions. I want to be able to give her everything I have to offer and more. I don't hide the fact that I'm not a virgin, nor do I force anyone to accept it if they aren't ok with it. There are women who look for other qualities in men besides the amount of sexual partners they've had, this one didn't mind at all.

 

I don't expect her or anyone to be married at 25, actually she is the one who always brought up marriage and that would even scare me because I didn't know if I was ready, though I know I should be before 30 for sure.

 

As far as what I can offer her, maybe I'm not the best person to ask since I think very highly of myself, but I can offer her the peace of mind of knowing that she'll never be lied to about anything, she thanked me for this herself. My career field isn't the most stable, but I make more money in real estate working for myself than most of my peers do working for someone else. I also intend to pursue another degree in September, so real estate will be more part time. I taught her something new every day and that's another reason why I wanted an inexperienced partner, I want to be the father figure she never had, in addition to her lover. I'm starting to realize that I'm behaving immaturely by ignoring her and maybe I should just talk some sense into her, perhaps she is too immature to understand.

 

Yeah. No.

 

That's.......very unhealthy. To say the least.

 

Not to mention, a big turn off.

 

And frankly, a major marriage killer.

 

Most marriages do not survive one partner acting "parental" towards the other.

 

Plus, honestly, the sexual stuff and the knowledge stuff evens out in a long-term relationship.

 

You'd have to madky Google stuff every day for the rest of your life to keep "teaching" her and "mentoring" her.

 

Think about it. In five-ten years, she's easily know 99.95% of everything that you'd have to show her.

 

Another part of why relationships with power-imbalances fizzle out. Because the longer you are together, you endbup on pretty much equal footing naturally anyway. Unless you start getting abused or abusive or something.

[dreamingoftigers]

I would never do it, not sure what got into me at the moment I thought that. Ended up forcing myself to go out last night and felt a whole lot better. It's like all the feelings of guilt and analylzing what I did wrong to make her do that to me had switched back to anger, hatred and disgust. I took everything that reminded me of her and stuffed it in the trunk of my car. Eventually, I will ship it all to her adress in a box by UPS and that will be end of story. She did what any inexperienced little **** would have done, she will realize soon enough what she had lost (if she hasn't yet). I really don't mind that it had to come to an end, in fact I offered it countless times in the past few months when we fought. Just really feel horrible that it had to happen this way again. I already had the absolute hardest time trusting people and getting close to them, now this will probably make it completely impossible. I also was reminded how I never loved her in the beginning of the relationship, while she would cry every time we had to depart. I admit that I have become very emotionally dependent on her as I always do on the person I'm with, after a while. I tried to occupy my day so that right after work I signed up to do a group bike ride and going to boxing class after that. Looks like someone else will be taking one hell of a beating for her.

 

Okay. You've clearly been over-invested in this to begin with.

 

Just because a person has certain qualities dies not mean that they will be loyal TO YOU.

 

Or respect you. Or even be nice to you.

 

That's part of why we date, we check and compare a combination of the qualities people have AND how they treat us AND how they feel about us etc.

You've got one out of three here and you're about to give up on humanity. That's putting too much and investing too much on these two individuals.

 

 

There isn't a THE one. There's a subset of people you could have a long-term relationship with (depending on your own stability factors as well of course. If you were a wife-killing axe-murderer, those would be short-term relationships.)

 

So of one. Two, eight of that potential subset of people turn out to not have the loyalty factor required for an LTR, you strike them off of the list and try again.

 

If "the one" is so special, isn't she worth wading through some crap for? Yeesh.

[dreamingoftigers]

My father is currently on his 8th marriage now, I always wanted to be the complete opposite. Looks like there are things I simply have no control over, what a shame.

 

So there's probably some very poor relationship role-modelling there.

 

Gottmann has done a fair amount of research into why marriages succeed or fail. It would be beneficial to look into that, it may change the type of partner you pursue if you want to have a healthy LTR.

[dreamingoftigers]

I don't see not being good at sex as being screwed up. I actually love that I can mold her to my own liking and teach her everything myself. Makes me feel like she is custom made specially for me. I also like the idea that I am the one to help her discover what she likes and experience her first orgasm. I feel confident that she isn't out having sex with anyone even right now, but she still cheated on me emotionally by even considering other options and that is already not a good sign. It means that it will only get worse when we are married and the years pass. I had a choice to be dominant with her that day and knock some sense into her (which is what she expected), but I chose the passive approach to dissapear from her life silently. I am sure she will never repeat that mistake again with anybody else, it was a very expensive lesson for both of us.

 

Weird.....

 

Maybe she stepped out on you because she's an emotional train-wreck who can't stand being tied down to one person. So to get it wouldn't be an overall loss beyond the general pain that comes with a breakup.

 

And, honesty, I'm.sure this is common among women: I was orgasming LONG before I lost my viginity. Long before I ever even kissed a guy.

[sandylee1]

I don't see not being good at sex as being screwed up. I actually love that I can mold her to my own liking and teach her everything myself. Makes me feel like she is custom made specially for me. I also like the idea that I am the one to help her discover what she likes and experience her first orgasm. I feel confident that she isn't out having sex with anyone even right now, but she still cheated on me emotionally by even considering other options and that is already not a good sign. It means that it will only get worse when we are married and the years pass. I had a choice to be dominant with her that day and knock some sense into her (which is what she expected), but I chose the passive approach to dissapear from her life silently. I am sure she will never repeat that mistake again with anybody else, it was a very expensive lesson for both of us.

 

You might be best advertising for a virgin who is wife material and never wants to have another man.

 

No matter how great you think you are sexually, she may want to taste something different and as such you're better off with a woman who has already been there.

 

Your so sexually insecure with what you say and it's quite sad.

 

I have to also add that many Russian women are no shrinking violets when it comes to sex and they use it to get what they want as wives and mistresses.

[Strekoza]

Didn't realize this thread was still alive, lol...

So the update is that we started talking again and even though I promised to try my absolute best to forgive her, I am having an extremely difficult time doing so. She still says that she had no intentions other than friendship with that guy and offered me to meet him, I refuse to do that because I might just end up shaking his hand a little too hard. I am now even more paranoid and always catch myself starting arguments over irrational things. Decided that it is best for me to take a trip to Europe alone to think about everything and when I come back I will begin to see a therapist because it seems like I will need one to deal with this "sad" reality.

[Strekoza]

Weird.....

 

Maybe she stepped out on you because she's an emotional train-wreck who can't stand being tied down to one person. So to get it wouldn't be an overall loss beyond the general pain that comes with a breakup.

 

And, honesty, I'm.sure this is common among women: I was orgasming LONG before I lost my viginity. Long before I ever even kissed a guy.

 

She's never masterbated before, I actually found that quite shocking as well. I gave her first kiss on the third date, at first she didn't know how to react and in 10 mins I couldn't get her off.

Edited August 10, 2016 by Strekoza

[CarrieT]

She's never masterbated before, I actually found that quite shocking as well.

 

I don't believe her. Girls would lie about something like that before admitting to it, but scientists show that people - girls especially - learn to pleasure themselves starting at a very early age (some as early as 2 or 3 years old). The person without a history of masturbation is almost nonexistent.

[Strekoza]

I try to be sparing in the use of emoji, but This is what I read:

 

 

 

Any woman who knew you felt this way would turn tail and run. This thread reveals some seriously warped opinions about women's sexuality. Women are not dirty tableware, their bodies do not get used up, they are not filthy because they've been with other men. Do you consider yourself less worthwhile now that you have sexual experience? Why should a woman?

 

 

 

Buddy, I've got some bad news for you...

 

 

 

I'm not even gonna touch the "knock some sense into her" part, but I guarantee you she doesn't regret it at all. No, of course it's not right to cheat with other men. But young love is all about screwing up and hurting people. If you meet someone else and fall for them, you absolutely should break up to be with that other person. She deserves to be with someone who loves and respects her for who she is, not for her potential to be "molded".

 

Of course you can believe whatever you like and it seems like many would agree with you. I don't fear having sex with girls who are more experienced, but when it comes to choosing the one I want to spend the rest of my life with, she better be "untouched". I want someone "exclusive", that no one else had.

 

Your guarantees are off because she did regret what she did, which was lying to me in fear of how I would react and made a promise to never do it again.

 

Also, may I add that every woman I've been with knew I felt like that, even ones that weren't virgins.

Edited August 10, 2016 by Strekoza

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't believe her. Girls would lie about something like that before admitting to it, but scientists show that people - girls especially - learn to pleasure themselves starting at a very early age (some as early as 2 or 3 years old). The person without a history of masturbation is almost nonexistent.

 

Exactly. I don't buy that for a hot second, and OP, I am surprised you did.

 

Anyway, you now know she will lie to you to appease you. That is not the basis for a healthy or sustainable relationship. The trust is already gone.

[elaine567]

Of course you can believe whatever you like and it seems like many would agree with you. I don't fear having sex with girls who are more experienced, but when it comes to choosing the one I want to spend the rest of my life with, she better be "untouched". I want someone "exclusive", that no one else had.

 

We have had a few virgins on here and most have done everything with men apart from PIV sex.

How young are you willing to go to get an "untouched" girl?

This is 2016, "untouched" is pretty unrealistic surely?

[Strekoza]

We have had a few virgins on here and most have done everything with men apart from PIV sex.

How young are you willing to go to get an "untouched" girl?

This is 2016, "untouched" is pretty unrealistic surely?

 

I would be willing to go as young as possible, as long as she is legal. There are a lot that are forced to be virgins because of religious beliefs and other nonsense which would do anything to hide the fact that they aren't. I don't consider those to be, even though they haven't had PIV sex, they already cheated themselves as well as their future husband. I personally would prefer someone who did it by choice.

[Dark Horse]

 

This is 2016, "untouched" is pretty unrealistic surely?

 

*cough*

 

21 year old virgin checking in...

 

 

But then again, I suck with women and I have issues of my own when it comes to women. Kinda developed a bitter attitude because of my lack of experience.

[ChickiePops]

I would be willing to go as young as possible, as long as she is legal. There are a lot that are forced to be virgins because of religious beliefs and other nonsense which would do anything to hide the fact that they aren't. I don't consider those to be, even though they haven't had PIV sex, they already cheated themselves as well as their future husband. I personally would prefer someone who did it by choice.

 

Please define 'as young as possible'z

[ExpatInItaly]

I would be willing to go as young as possible, as long as she is legal. There are a lot that are forced to be virgins because of religious beliefs and other nonsense which would do anything to hide the fact that they aren't. I don't consider those to be, even though they haven't had PIV sex, they already cheated themselves as well as their future husband. I personally would prefer someone who did it by choice.

 

OP, the problem with this approach is that the older you get, the less likely you will be able to attract a very young woman. A teenager isnt going to have much interest in a guy in his late 20s or older.

 

I maintain that your sabotaging yourself by seeking this.

[Strekoza]

OP, the problem with this approach is that the older you get, the less likely you will be able to attract a very young woman. A teenager isnt going to have much interest in a guy in his late 20s or older.

 

I maintain that your sabotaging yourself by seeking this.

 

Yes, that's why I'm in such a hurry. Yesterday, I ended it all for good and gave her stuff back. Hopefully this trip to Europe will give me the strength to start all over before classes begin. You're right about the sabotaging, In this short period of time I have really made myself so sick, lost 10 pounds, not eating, not sleeping, just drinking and pot 24/7.

[elisalynn]

This has been a truly fascinating and horrifying read.

 

 

OP, I'm sorry, but you have a lot of insecurity, naivete, and an inability to regulate your emotions. I'm glad you let this poor girl go. She didn't even cheat on you, she just met up with another guy from class; yeah, she was probably slightly interested in what else is out there and then lied about it because you sound like a controlling and scary person to date. Grow up.

[Strekoza]

This has been a truly fascinating and horrifying read.

 

 

OP, I'm sorry, but you have a lot of insecurity, naivete, and an inability to regulate your emotions. I'm glad you let this poor girl go. She didn't even cheat on you, she just met up with another guy from class; yeah, she was probably slightly interested in what else is out there and then lied about it because you sound like a controlling and scary person to date. Grow up.

 

I am still the same person whom she started dating a year and a half ago. If she chose to be with me all this time there must have been some good too. Unlike other guys, I never tried to appear as someone I really wasn't on the first few dates. In fact, I always had the opposite approach, as in I would show her all my bad qualities and tell her of all my flaws, if she still sticks around, she's a keeper and worth investing in. Regardless, I don't think jumping to conclusions over the internet about someone you haven't even met is very mature, but it won't change anything so feel free.

[CollegeKid101]

I am still the same person whom she started dating a year and a half ago. If she chose to be with me all this time there must have been some good too. Unlike other guys, I never tried to appear as someone I really wasn't on the first few dates. In fact, I always had the opposite approach, as in I would show her all my bad qualities and tell her of all my flaws, if she still sticks around, she's a keeper and worth investing in. Regardless, I don't think jumping to conclusions over the internet about someone you haven't even met is very mature, but it won't change anything so feel free.

 

You are a weirdo. Plain and simple. You think extremely highly of yourself and think everyone should think the same way about you. Arrogance. Reality check, you're not perfect. Actually, as I just mentioned, you're a weirdo. I know insults are scolded on this forum, but you need to grow up and open your damn eyes. Girl said she doesn't masturbate? You're incredibly naive. I truly hope you leave her alone. You clearly are no "God" because she had interest in another guy. Chances are she got bored of you and probably scared as well.

 

Buy a plastic doll, dress her up, and she can be your wonderful virgin that you NEED in life. You can tailor her to your liking. You sicken me.

 

You are sexually self conscious and something tells me you're not good at it.

 

Grow up, loser. Even if I get banned for this message someone needed to knock some sense into you, or at least try to.

[Strekoza]

You are a weirdo. Plain and simple. You think extremely highly of yourself and think everyone should think the same way about you. Arrogance. Reality check, you're not perfect. Actually, as I just mentioned, you're a weirdo. I know insults are scolded on this forum, but you need to grow up and open your damn eyes. Girl said she doesn't masturbate? You're incredibly naive. I truly hope you leave her alone. You clearly are no "God" because she had interest in another guy. Chances are she got bored of you and probably scared as well.

 

Buy a plastic doll, dress her up, and she can be your wonderful virgin that you NEED in life. You can tailor her to your liking. You sicken me.

 

You are sexually self conscious and something tells me you're not good at it.

 

Grow up, loser. Even if I get banned for this message someone needed to knock some sense into you, or at least try to.

 

You "sir" are so brave! Internet white knight, exactly what this thread was lacking, so far...

Edited August 12, 2016 by Strekoza

[CollegeKid101]

You "sir" are so brave! Internet white knight, exactly what this thread was lacking, so far...

 

And that right there is why you will never have a successful relationship.