Caught girlfriend yesterday and don't know how to proceed

[stillafool]

It's normal to feel the way you do. It's far to soon to start talking to other girls. You need to heal and then you can search for another virgin. Just eat, exercise and try to get some sleep.

[ExpatInItaly]

Honestly, I just feel nervous that I'm getting older and it will be very difficult to find exactly what I'm looking for. That's why I want to find and secure her while I still have the chance. The reason I'm so hurt right now is probably because while I was with her I was always telling myself that I already had a perfect wife, in a few years we'll have kids and all I have to focus on right now is my career. Now I feel like the rug has been pulled from under my feet and I have nothing again. It's affecting me in every way, I wake up every morning at 4am and have to convince myself that this really happened, not a dream. I haven't been able to perform at work at all this week, cancelled on some of the most promising clients I had because I wasn't in the mood. Went to a bar last night to socialize and ended up leaving with my drink to cry on a bench by myself for hours. Worst thing is that when I tried to talk to any other girls I instantly felt unnatracted and would end the conversation short, this is horrible... I almost feel like calling my ex, the one that I had before this one and asking what happened after we broke up since it is a very similar situation.

 

And this why I think working on your self-esteem and insecurity will help you tremendously: you admit you want a virgin because you cannot handle the thought of your girlfriend having had partners prior to you. If you were more secure and confident, a girl not being a virgin would not bother you to the degree that it does, thus opening the doors to several more potential mates and giving you time to relax.

 

Your underlying issues with insecurity are severely limiting your relationship possibilities.

 

As another poster pointed out, it's normal to be sad after a break-up. You shouldn't be forcing yourself to move on to another girl yet. You're not ready.

[Strekoza]

And this why I think working on your self-esteem and insecurity will help you tremendously: you admit you want a virgin because you cannot handle the thought of your girlfriend having had partners prior to you. If you were more secure and confident, a girl not being a virgin would not bother you to the degree that it does, thus opening the doors to several more potential mates and giving you time to relax.

 

Your underlying issues with insecurity are severely limiting your relationship possibilities.

 

As another poster pointed out, it's normal to be sad after a break-up. You shouldn't be forcing yourself to move on to another girl yet. You're not ready.

 

I don't mind a girl having partners prior to me, I mind my girlfriend/future wife having partners prior to me. Where's the exclusivity in it if someone else had her already? I know it sounds like it is my low self esteem speaking and many people say that when they hear it, but the truth is I don't doubt for a second that I'm better than anyone they'll ever have. It's a preference, like how some people choose blonde over brunette, this one just happened to be a lot more difficult to find because the norms changed. This is the example I gave to my friend the other day who was trying to convince me that it isn't important:

If there was a used cup on the table and you wanted to drink would you drink from it not knowing who drank from it before or would you go look for a new cup and drink from it with the peace of mind that you won't get cold sores or bronchitis? His response was that if he wanted to drink badly enough he would take the cup from the table, while mine was that I'd rather suffer a bit longer without it but get exactly what I want and be able to fully enjoy it.

[elaine567]

I don't mind a girl having partners prior to me, I mind my girlfriend/future wife having partners prior to me. Where's the exclusivity in it if someone else had her already? I know it sounds like it is my low self esteem speaking and many people say that when they hear it, but the truth is I don't doubt for a second that I'm better than anyone they'll ever have. It's a preference, like how some people choose blonde over brunette, this one just happened to be a lot more difficult to find because the norms changed. This is the example I gave to my friend the other day who was trying to convince me that it isn't important:

If there was a used cup on the table and you wanted to drink would you drink from it not knowing who drank from it before or would you go look for a new cup and drink from it with the peace of mind that you won't get cold sores or bronchitis? His response was that if he wanted to drink badly enough he would take the cup from the table, while mine was that I'd rather suffer a bit longer without it but get exactly what I want and be able to fully enjoy it.

So she is just supposed to drink from the dirty cup and not mind???...

[Strekoza]

So she is just supposed to drink from the dirty cup and not mind???...

 

Well, as you see most people, herself included don't mind. She already has enough **** qualities of her own to be adapting mine too.

[smackie9]

I don't mind a girl having partners prior to me, I mind my girlfriend/future wife having partners prior to me. Where's the exclusivity in it if someone else had her already? I know it sounds like it is my low self esteem speaking and many people say that when they hear it, but the truth is I don't doubt for a second that I'm better than anyone they'll ever have. It's a preference, like how some people choose blonde over brunette, this one just happened to be a lot more difficult to find because the norms changed. This is the example I gave to my friend the other day who was trying to convince me that it isn't important:

If there was a used cup on the table and you wanted to drink would you drink from it not knowing who drank from it before or would you go look for a new cup and drink from it with the peace of mind that you won't get cold sores or bronchitis? His response was that if he wanted to drink badly enough he would take the cup from the table, while mine was that I'd rather suffer a bit longer without it but get exactly what I want and be able to fully enjoy it.

Your analogy is off. A dirty cup can be washed to be used again. Many can drink from that same cup, it gets washed before each use, it's still good and useful. That cup doesn't change, it's still a cup that you can drink from as long as it is taken care of.

[Strekoza]

Your analogy is off. A dirty cup can be washed to be used again. Many can drink from that same cup, it gets washed before each use, it's still good and useful. That cup doesn't change, it's still a cup that you can drink from as long as it is taken care of.

 

Sure, however no amount of washing it will ever make it a new cup. Also, if it has chips and cracks those are irreparable.

[smackie9]

You only spoke about a dirty cup. There is no mention of cracks or chips. nice try.............

 

 

A cup is still a cup even if it has been washed.....it doesn't change the cup itself.....only the mentality of the user.

Edited July 31, 2016 by smackie9

[Strekoza]

I really don't understand why we're still arguing about "my preference". Do you honestly believe that trying to justify something like that with an argument can force a person to change what he/she likes? What do you get out of it? Does it make you feel better about yourself?

There are so many people who think like you and so few who think like me left today, are you having a difficult time finding them? Or are you just trying to gang up and bully the minority at a difficult time?

[ExpatInItaly]

Your analogy is off. A dirty cup can be washed to be used again. Many can drink from that same cup, it gets washed before each use, it's still good and useful. That cup doesn't change, it's still a cup that you can drink from as long as it is taken care of.

 

Precisely. Add to that, many of us don't view sexual experience as "dirty."

 

OP, the point I was making is not that you shouldn't have a preference - there's nothing wrong with that. But you are significantly limiting your options by having such stringent requirements.

 

That will make it more difficult to find a partner, in the end. You have an image in your mind of what "perfect wife" should be, and I expect you are going to have a lot of trouble finding that. It isn't working so far and it's going to be harder every year that passes. Women your age and older aren't likely to be virgins, and much younger women aren't likely going to want to settle down so soon.

[Strekoza]

You only spoke about a dirty cup. There is no mention of cracks or chips. nice try.............

 

 

A cup is still a cup even if it has been washed.....it doesn't change the cup itself.....only the mentality of the user.

 

There was no mention of washing it either. Your argument is irrelevant, never did I say that it was unusable, I said that I prefer the "new" one...

[CarrieT]

OP, I believe you have this ideal that by finding a virgin (known as a "unicorn" in the dating world), you believe you will have this girl whom you can mold into some perfect, Stepford wife.

 

You don't seem to realize that by finding a virgin, you may very well get someone who is more than screwed up because they are inexperienced in the ways of dating, relationships, and sex?

[Strekoza]

Precisely. Add to that, many of us don't view sexual experience as "dirty."

 

OP, the point I was making is not that you shouldn't have a preference - there's nothing wrong with that. But you are significantly limiting your options by having such stringent requirements.

 

That will make it more difficult to find a partner, in the end. You have an image in your mind of what "perfect wife" should be, and I expect you are going to have a lot of trouble finding that. It isn't working so far and it's going to be harder every year that passes. Women your age and older aren't likely to be virgins, and much younger women aren't likely going to want to settle down so soon.

 

I understand and that's why I'm so upset... I will find her though, even if I have to stay single for the next 10 years.

[smackie9]

What makes you think a virgin would be looking for or accept someone like you? If I was one I most certainly would not want to be with a man that had been with other women, catching stds, like you have.

[Strekoza]

OP, I believe you have this ideal that by finding a virgin (known as a "unicorn" in the dating world), you believe you will have this girl whom you can mold into some perfect, Stepford wife.

 

You don't seem to realize that by finding a virgin, you may very well get someone who is more than screwed up because they are inexperienced in the ways of dating, relationships, and sex?

 

I don't see not being good at sex as being screwed up. I actually love that I can mold her to my own liking and teach her everything myself. Makes me feel like she is custom made specially for me. I also like the idea that I am the one to help her discover what she likes and experience her first orgasm. I feel confident that she isn't out having sex with anyone even right now, but she still cheated on me emotionally by even considering other options and that is already not a good sign. It means that it will only get worse when we are married and the years pass. I had a choice to be dominant with her that day and knock some sense into her (which is what she expected), but I chose the passive approach to dissapear from her life silently. I am sure she will never repeat that mistake again with anybody else, it was a very expensive lesson for both of us.

[Strekoza]

What makes you think a virgin would be looking for or accept someone like you? If I was one I most certainly would not want to be with a man that had been with other women, catching stds, like you have.

 

Experience does. So don't be with me, or someone like me. I give everyone that choice by being open and letting them decide.

Also, if you had been one you wouldn't be so overdefensive, wouldn't be on this forum and wouldn't be having this discussion right now. Just something to think about...

[ExpatInItaly]

I understand and that's why I'm so upset... I will find her though, even if I have to stay single for the next 10 years.

 

Honestly? Probably not.

 

I say because in 10 years, you will be in your mid-thirties. Practically zero women will still be virgins at that age. Many will already have been married, too. A much younger woman, who might still be a virgin, very likely isn't going to be interested in a man that much older than her wanting to get married.

 

Even if you do manage to find a girl who's never had sex, there is the whole other task of creating a healthy, stable relationship that she (and you) will want to remain in. It doesn't guarantee it will end in marriage. You might find your worldviews clash and that she doesn't want to be "molded", as you put it. Most girls don't. That sets up a parent-child dynamic that many girls will run from once they figure out what's happening. We like partners, not men who think they know it all and need to teach us.

 

It's too bad that you are unwilling to be more realistic. You're effectively setting yourself up for disappointment. But that is a choice you make.

[Strekoza]

Honestly? Probably not.

 

I say because in 10 years, you will be in your mid-thirties. Practically zero women will still be virgins at that age. Many will already have been married, too. A much younger woman, who might still be a virgin, very likely isn't going to be interested in a man that much older than her wanting to get married.

 

Even if you do manage to find a girl who's never had sex, there is the whole other task of creating a healthy, stable relationship that she (and you) will want to remain in. It doesn't guarantee it will end in marriage. You might find your worldviews clash and that she doesn't want to be "molded", as you put it. Most girls don't. That sets up a parent-child dynamic that many girls will run from once they figure out what's happening. We like partners, not men who think they know it all and need to teach us.

 

It's too bad that you are unwilling to be more realistic. You're effectively setting yourself up for disappointment. But that is a choice you make.

 

Yeah, I see where you're coming from. By 10 years I just meant that I'm very determined to find her. I don't honestly expect it to take even close to that long. I mean yes it is rare, but not impossible. I've dated at least 4 different ones last year, just that I really felt a strong connection with this one from day one.

[Keke1]

You seem wayyyyyy over confident. It must have stung hard as F when she did what she did. Confidence hit zero it seems and now it's rage time. You are dead set on the way things should be. Keep living ?

 

Everytime you write I'm thinking you're joking about the whole thing with some of the stuff you're writing. Probably just me. Carry on ppl.

[CarrieT]

I actually love that I can mold her to my own liking and teach her everything myself.

What if she is not moldable? What if you marry a virgin who HATES sex and won't do any of things you like to do?

 

I also like the idea that I am the one to help her discover what she likes and experience her first orgasm.

I'm sorry, but even virgins masturbate and have orgasms without having had sex.

 

I think you have an incredibly skewed concept of women and the potentials for a long-term partner. They are not pliable dolls to be "molded" into whatever you want. We are all living, breathing, THINKING beings with our own ideas. Even virgins...

[lana-banana]

I actually love that I can mold her to my own liking and teach her everything myself. Makes me feel like she is custom made specially for me.

 

I try to be sparing in the use of emoji, but This is what I read:

 

I actually love that she won't have anyone to compare me to so I'm guaranteed to be the best she's ever had. I won't have to torture myself thinking about her past lovers and how they might have been bigger or sexier or more satisfying than me. I will control all of her sexual expectations. I will teach her to experience sex exactly as I like it so I don't need to worry about meeting her needs.

 

Any woman who knew you felt this way would turn tail and run. This thread reveals some seriously warped opinions about women's sexuality. Women are not dirty tableware, their bodies do not get used up, they are not filthy because they've been with other men. Do you consider yourself less worthwhile now that you have sexual experience? Why should a woman?

 

I also like the idea that I am the one to help her discover what she likes and experience her first orgasm.

 

Buddy, I've got some bad news for you...

 

I feel confident that she isn't out having sex with anyone even right now, but she still cheated on me emotionally by even considering other options and that is already not a good sign. It means that it will only get worse when we are married and the years pass. I had a choice to be dominant with her that day and knock some sense into her (which is what she expected), but I chose the passive approach to dissapear from her life silently. I am sure she will never repeat that mistake again with anybody else, it was a very expensive lesson for both of us.

 

I'm not even gonna touch the "knock some sense into her" part, but I guarantee you she doesn't regret it at all. No, of course it's not right to cheat with other men. But young love is all about screwing up and hurting people. If you meet someone else and fall for them, you absolutely should break up to be with that other person. She deserves to be with someone who loves and respects her for who she is, not for her potential to be "molded".

[ChickiePops]

OP it sounds like you might be happier with a Real Doll than an actual girl. Guaranteed to be a virgin (if you buy it brand new), no chance of cheating (unless it's stolen), no brain (incapable of thinking for itself), and you'd be in complete control!

 

Problem solved!!!

[Space Ritual]

I feel confident that she isn't out having sex with anyone even right now, but she still cheated on me emotionally by even considering other options and that is already not a good sign. It means that it will only get worse when we are married and the years pass. I had a choice to be dominant with her that day and knock some sense into her (which is what she expected), but I chose the passive approach to dissapear from her life silently. I am sure she will never repeat that mistake again with anybody else, it was a very expensive lesson for both of us.

 

 

You, young man, are about as far removed from being a stable, confident young man as their can be. Your responses and the logic behind them are little more than knuckle dragging Neanderthal ramblings that sound more like a St. Louis Pimp than a boyfriend. Sadly I doubt you will progress emotionally beyond this point. Your search for a virgin will keep you from finding someone you can actually grow with and become an equal partner in life with.

 

Good Luck, you are going to need a hell of a lot of it.

[NewLeaf512]

I understand and that's why I'm so upset... I will find her though, even if I have to stay single for the next 10 years.

 

You know that is a text book example of the "law of diminishing returns"

 

 

What about a woman who has had restoration surgery?

 

This thread should be titled Pygmalion

[Haydn]

I don't see not being good at sex as being screwed up. I actually love that I can mold her to my own liking and teach her everything myself. Makes me feel like she is custom made specially for me. I also like the idea that I am the one to help her discover what she likes and experience her first orgasm. I feel confident that she isn't out having sex with anyone even right now, but she still cheated on me emotionally by even considering other options and that is already not a good sign. It means that it will only get worse when we are married and the years pass. I had a choice to be dominant with her that day and knock some sense into her (which is what she expected), but I chose the passive approach to dissapear from her life silently. I am sure she will never repeat that mistake again with anybody else, it was a very expensive lesson for both of us.

 

 

Err, mate, you are in for shock.....

 

Just try to slightly change your outlook.

 

Never knock sense into anyone. (You didn`t) (They disagree with you, respect it)

 

You come across as hugely insecure.

 

Meet a girl who appreciates you for who you are and vice versa.

 

It works!

 

But good luck on your quest.