Chronic Stress

[Wave Rider]

I need to talk about this. I think I have chronic stress, and I am becoming alarmed that chronic stress is causing me some real health problems. I am "stressed about being stressed."

 

I am chronically stressed about being chronically single. It appears that being single may not be a situation that I can change in the near future, so I need some strategies for dealing with the chronic stress associated with my situation. I have 5 different medical specialists I am seeing, all for what I believe are stress-related illnesses. It feels like I shouldn't even bother going to see these doctors (though I will go seem them) because I know the problems won't go away until my stress level decreases.

 

I know for certain that all the typical stress management tools, like deep breathing, aren't going to work for me. There are only two thing that will work for my situation:

 

1) Change my situation

2) Change the way I think about my situation

 

I don't have a lot of control over #1 here, because I don't have much control over whether or not a woman wants to be my girlfriend. I can control who I meet and who I talk to, and I control who I ask out, but I can't control whether or not these women want to be with me. The only thing I really have control over is #2.

 

I have tried coming to terms with living a full lifetime as a single, but that actually only causes me more stress. I went through a whole process where I drew pictures of a rich and fulfilled single life and tried to grieve the loss of the married life that I might never have, but it didn't work, and it only increased my stress and made me feel more alarmed at the prospect of never finding someone.

 

My therapist has tried to reassure me by saying, "You're going to meet her." This helps a little bit, but each time a woman stops responding to my messages or tells me that she has a boyfriend, it becomes harder and harder to keep believing that, and I feel that I have less and less control over whether or not that ever happens.

 

At this point I'm hoping for some advice, not about dating, but about dealing with a chronic situation that I feel I have no control over, which is my singleness. I feel like I'm in a situation that I can't control, and this causes me a lot of stress. At this point I am starting to become stressed about being stressed, because stress is causing me some real stress-related health problems, and I am getting worried that continuing to feel stressed will continue to cause more health problems.

 

So I am looking for some advice on how to deal with this chronic stress. Since it looks like I don't have immediate control over my situation, I can only control the way that I think about it. And like I said, trying to come to terms with living a fulfilled single life has not worked.

[amaysngrace]

Get to a doc and ask them for an anti anxiety med.

 

You're in a vicious cycle that you're going to need to put the brakes on somehow because nobody in their right mind wants to hook up with a stressed out mess.

 

The only person you're going to attract is going to be someone you don't want and settling sucks.

 

See a doc.

[Wave Rider]

Get to a doc and ask them for an anti anxiety med.

 

You're in a vicious cycle that you're going to need to put the brakes on somehow because nobody in their right mind wants to hook up with a stressed out mess.

 

The only person you're going to attract is going to be someone you don't want and settling sucks.

 

See a doc.

 

I'd consider it. I haven't taken any anxiety medications in a few years, and I'd rather not if I can avoid it. But the anxiety has really started to become a problem, and is affecting my work performance. It seems to get worse as my life gets better. I'm actually at the best place I've ever been in my whole life in terms of career and academics, and I'm in the best position I've ever been in for finding a partner. But I feel more debilitating anxiety than I've ever felt. It's quite frustrating, and I'm not sure what it means. Rather than riding the wave of success I've had in the last few years, I feel more and more handcuffed with anxiety as my academic and career life has gotten better.

Edited July 26, 2016 by Wave Rider

[Wave Rider]

I could try medication. But my experience with medication is that it won't do much, because I don't think there's anything wrong with my brain in this regard. I think there's something wrong with the way I think about the world. There's something wrong with the way I want, the way I feel, the way I perceive.

 

Here's an idea. Maybe I can change the story I'm telling myself about what I'm doing. For as long as I can remember, I have lived my life with the purpose or righting some wrong that was committed against me in the past. I have lived for the purpose of healing some past wound. And the story i was always telling myself, though I never really recognized it, was that I was doing all the things I was doing so that I could vindicate the past and heal those wounds. But now I am going to tell myself a different story. I am going to tell myself that I am living for the present and the future, not to vindicate the past.

 

One of the things that my therapist told me to do was to get rid of the ghosts of the past. I ended up throwing away a lot of stuff, old notebooks and old clothes and papers and various things. I thought the answers for me were somewhere in those notebooks and all that stuff, which meant that I believed that the answers were somewhere in the past. But there aren't any answers in the past for me. There are only answers in the present and in the future.

 

So I'm going to try telling myself a different story now. I'm going to live a new story, which is that I'm doing the things I do to improve my life in the present and the future, not to vindicate the past.

 

I'll let you know how it goes.

[BaileyB]

Many have experienced the stress of being chronically single, when you want to meet someone. Best advice I can give you is to understand there are things you can control, and thing you can't. Meeting someone and entering a relationship is definitely something you can't force, you can't control.

 

Try to do the things that you enjoy, relax, and calm your mind. When you are happy and engaged in life, you will be infinitely more attractive to a woman. Nothing will scare someone away than a man who is stressed and needy...

 

Best of luck to you.

[Ruby Slippers]

Do you have any kind of spiritual practice? What you need is faith - faith that good things are coming, things are working out. An attitude of positive expectation goes a very long way. What you hold your focus on manifests. Focus on the wonderful things, people, and experiences coming your way. Then watch them start flowing in.

[BlueIris]

Try "The Work" by Byron Katie. Examine and question your thoughts. It's good for stress.

Do The Work | The Work