How do I tell her I know?

[all4biwife]

I found out about 2 months ago or so that my wife has bi feelings and has posted a personal add for a "friend and lover" (this is how I found out by the way). She doesn't know that I know, I found out one day when I was on the computer and the pop-down menu of out browser had match.com on it. I followed the link (actually thinking that she was looking for another man) and found her add for a female friend and lover. About 2 weeks later or so she told me about a friend she had meet (in a close by town) on the internet, she said they had meet on a chat room and had talked about animals and horses in particular (something my wife is kind of into from childhood). Anyway, I assume that she actually met this lady through her ad and she has met with her about 3 times now on weekends. I don't know if they have done anything, but I would assume they have. Now to my problem, I don't have any problems with her being bi-sexual or having a sexual relationship outside of ours, I'm not that jealous of a person (and I actually wouldn't really care if it was a guy either, but I would want to know what was going on in either case). The problems is that I want her to know that I know and that it is okay. I don't have any delusions of being with my wife and another woman, though I wouldn't object either. I tried to bring it up one time and she flat out lied to me that she didn't have any kind of feelings, sexually or otherwise for women. I want to know if there is a way that I could bring it up and her not feel threatened or pressured about it? Or should I just wait and let her tell me on her own? I don't know if I can keep it inside much longer for the fact that it bothers me that she doesn't feel she can tell me and that she flat out lied to me about it. Any suggestions? Please no responses to the effect that I should be so luck, etc.

[Tony T]

You make a great deal of assumptions. First, you ASSUME that the ad you tracked to the Internet on your computer was written by her. You ASSUME that if she actually was the one who wrote it, she was serious. You ASSUME that the person she has met with on the weekend if from the ad and not from a chatroom as she says. You ASSUME that they have been together sexually. You ASSUME that there is something about your wife that she has lied to you about, particularly about her sexuality.

 

In a court of law, NONE of these assumptions nor the circumstances upon which they are based would be proof that your wife has engaged in any lesbian activity or that she is homosexual. And remember, when we ASSUME we can make an ASS out of both U and ME...that's why it's spelled ASS-U-ME.

 

If you really want to go into the business of ASSUMING, we can therefore ASSUME that if she said she talked to her friend about "animals and horses" that she and her friend perhaps engaged in sex with same.

 

There is a fair chance your wife is lonely and wants someone to talk to and related to on a new, more intimate intellectual level...not necessarily to have sex with. Many females enjoy female companionship with girlfriends without any sexual element. And, yes, there is the chance she may be curious about a lesbian relationship. There are good reasons why women do this.

 

While being open and honest about a sexual relationship with a woman would be desireable in a satisfactory marriage, if such is actually going on perhaps your wife wants to keep this private because it's a temporary curiosity. A person does not give up every ounce of her privacy when he/she gets married. On the other hand, a sexual relationship would be cheating of sort, whether it's with another man, another women, or, God forbid, with animals or horses.

 

So your dilemma finally rests on whether you should ask her straight out about this. I've given this a lot of thought and, yes, I think I personally would if I were married to this woman. I don't think I could continue in a relationship with this hanging over my head.

 

I recommend that you use the utmost of discretion and sensitivity to let your wife know that you found this ad. Don't assume anything or make any accusations. Simply ask her if she put that ad on the internet and, if so, if her weekend meetings are a result of that ad. Then simply tell her you are not offended in any way and make absolutely no judgements about this but are simply curious, as her husband, about this and wondering if she is not satisfied in the marriage. Make it more of an intellectual curiosity thing rather than a nosey thing.

 

If she admits to everything, do not be judgemental. However, the ground will be set for you to either resolve your feelings about this and live with them...or make new decisions about your marriage.

 

In my opinion, you cannot keep living under a set of assumptions.

 

I just hope she hasn't been getting it on with the animals and horses...which I really doubt. Yet, I must admit it's something I've not ever tried and therefore cannot knock.

[Ed]

In your post you said, "I don't have any problems with her being bi-sexual or having a sexual relationship outside of ours, I'm not that jealous of a person (and I actually wouldn't really care if it was a guy either, but I would want to know what was going on in either case)."

 

That statement says a whole lot to me. I am all for people living their lives as they see fit, as long as it is not harmful to others. But, I would seriously be wondering why I was married to someone if I didn't care about sexual exclusivity or other intimate relations with someone else.

 

Does your wife know you feel this way about her and your relationship with her? If so, have you always felt this way and did she know this prior to getting married to you?

 

You seem to be fairly secure with yourself and are not threatened by her having intimate relations with other people. However, she may see that as a lack of care on your part, although, it is no excuse for her to lie to you. I just have the feeling that she does not understand where you are coming from. I think she is confused by the nature of her relationship with you and does not know what is appropriate to disclose.

 

If you are as open and uninhibited about things as you claim, you should not have any trouble bringing this up with her. In fact, I really don't know why you are worried about it at all. I guess maybe you are feeling some sort of betrayal by her suspected lying. Anyway, I wouldn't worry too much about it. If she keeps lying, just find someone else that feels the same way you do about lying.