Husband struggling with unwanted divorce

[rjthefirst]

I’ve been lurking on here and other online forums for a couple of months. Right I need to get my story down in writing - I think it will help me sort it out in my head, and it will allow me to vent about certain things without having to burden my friends and family again with my troubles.

 

This will be long, I’ll try to keep it to the bare minimum.

 

My wife asked me to separate in the beginning of May. I thought that I would sleep on my brother’s couch for a couple of nights and it would blow over, but it has snowballed into a full fledged divorce in the space of two months. I’m 45, my wife is 37, we have two kids, boy and girl age 5 and 7. When people asked what happened to cause this divorce, I tell them that it is my fault, because I did the most to cause this situation.

 

We have been married for 9 years. We have a great life, we own a fantastic home, and our kids are just magnificent. I would have said that we had a normal marriage, with ups and downs, but basically happy and loving. The issue that initially caused my wife to become so upset with me that she asked for a separation is - I have addiction problems with marijuana. I don’t really drink, and I don’t do any other drugs - but, I know I have problems with marijuana, because my wife asked me repeatedly to cut down my use of marijuana because it is causing issues in our relationship - and I was unable to do so.

 

About three years ago I went from a ‘once in a blue moon’ smoker to a ‘daily’ smoker. I don’t know what caused this shift in my usage - I think it was a response to increasing stress at work. My wife is not a prude, she smoked with me once in a while - but my daily use was alarming to her. I understand this - I’m a middle aged guy and a father, daily pot smoking, however innocuous it may seem to me (when I smoke I basically like to watch movies on Netflix, or play guitar), does not fit into our lifestyle and the way we want to raise our family. Daily smoking also changes my personality - I become more secretive, irritable, and I lie about the frequency of my use. We fought about it - and eventually I agreed to stop smoking. I quit cold turkey and did not smoke for 2 years. We both agreed later those 2 years were some of the happiest times in our marriage - we bought a new house, kids were growing up great, and I got a great paying new job.

 

For some reason, after not smoking for 2 years - I decided to start smoking again in January of this year. I think that everything was going so well for me, I thought I could regulate it. At first I only did it every once in a while - but I eventually started smoking every day. My wife found out and it shocked her. Even at this point - my wife tried to be understanding - she said - ok, if you can just smoke at night when kids are asleep that will be ok. And I couldn’t even do that. She caught me loading my one hitter during the day before I went to walk the dog. We fought. She went away for a week to visit her family, when she came back she forgave me, or at least things calmed down. And then a week later she caught me trying to smoke during the day again. This was the day about two months ago that she asked me to leave the house.

 

Things have gone rapidly downhill since then. The initial reason for our separation was my pot use and my lying and deception. She told me that she can’t trust me anymore, and lost a lot of respect and love for me. As the days passed, she became more and more angry with me - and started bringing up other issues from our marriage. She says that I don’t appreciate her contributions to our household, she says that I’m withdrawn and antisocial a lot of the times, and she brought up mean things I’ve said over the years she was still angry about. One day we had an argument and she called the police to have my removed from the house, and filed a ‘temporary order of protection’. I raised my voice, but only to make a point. I did not verbal abuse her. And I certainly did not physically abuse or threaten her, this is just not in my nature. I’m still in shock that she filed a ‘temporary order’ against me.

 

The order was eventually dismissed - basically because there is no basis for it in reality. But she immediately filed for divorce after it was dismissed. I was in shock that she filed the temp order - and then I was in shock that filed for divorce. I have tried to get her to slow down the divorce, and to try to work on the marriage in counseling. But right now - she only communicates with me about the kids. Whenever I try to talk to her about anything else - apologizing to her, getting her to reconsider the divorce - she does not respond. Not even to tell me ‘no I don’t want to go to counseling’. Just no response at all.

 

I reacted in the way most husbands react when confronted with an unwanted divorce. I tried to reason with her, begged her, pleaded with her. This only drove her farther away. Right now she will not talk to me about anything other than exchanging the kids at this point (we are splitting their care right now while we work out this divorce). Meanwhile the legal proceedings of the divorce are moving forward. I’m basically really scared and depressed about everything. I have a lot of guilt and regret that this is my fault, it is because of my actions that my kids will have to grow up in a broken home. I will have to find some way to deal with that guilt and regret.

 

I’ve been trying to make positive changes - I’ve been sober ever since, and I’ve been attending 12 step meetings daily - right now I have almost 90 days sobriety. I’ve been seeing my therapist regularly also. Right now my wife is very cold to me, she is like a stranger, I don’t understand how she can give up on a long term marriage with kids without even bothering to try counseling to fix our problems. I feel like everything is fixable if she just gives me a chance, but of course she won’t even talk to me right now about anything other than the kids.

[rjthefirst]

I guess right now I'm just very very depressed and scared. I feel guilty and worried about my kids. This has been going on for 2-3 months and at this point I feel like it would be a miracle if my wife would cancel the divorce, or even want to communicate with me about our relationship problems in a meaningful way. Right now she will not engage about anything other than legal matters or exchanging the kids. I feel like I've been working on fixing my addiction and lying problems that have contributed to my marriage problems, I've tried reasoning with her, apologizing, even begging and pleading with her to please not break up the family, let's try to work this out in counseling. Nothing is working. I feel like I've tried everything to try to work it out with her, and there's nothing left to do or say.

 

My challenge right now is to fully accept the reality of my situation and to move forward in the most posiitive, constructive, and responsible way possible with this divorce. I owe it to my kids to try to better myself as a person, at the very least. I guess my question is - what else can I be doing at this time to move forward in the most posiitive, constructive, and responsible way possible?

 

My other question is - why won't she even talk to me about anything other than legal matters pertaining to the divorce, or exchanging the kids? If there are any people who've been in similar situations, I'd appreciate any feedback on this. I made mistakes, but is what I did really so bad I don't even deserve a response of 'please stop trying to get me to change my mind'? What is she thinking?

Edited July 26, 2016 by rjthefirst

[The_Onceler]

Wow. I am really sorry to hear about this. My partner of 9+ years recently announced that she wanted to separate from me. We have two girls, 6 and 8. My life sounds similar to yours in some regards.

 

Anyway, as to the why... probably she had been drawing lines in the sand for some time now, telling herself that each perceived transgression would be the last, and if you did one more thing, she was leaving you.

 

A person tells themselves that over and over and over again, only to rationalize a reason to try one more time. So, once they actually decide to make a change, they are then terrified of once again backpedaling.

 

In her fear of changing her mind, she cannot even entertain talk from you that might push her in that direction. For better or worse, she will likely continue to dig her heels in.

[salparadise]

My challenge right now is to fully accept the reality of my situation and to move forward in the most posiitive, constructive, and responsible way possible with this divorce.

 

 

I think accepting it is about all you can do now. She has made it perfectly clear that she's done and wants the divorce, no matter what you say.

 

But I'm not sure you should be carrying all of this guilt. She has you convinced that it's all your fault and she's a pure as the driven snow. It's never that simple.

 

For one thing marijuana is not an addictive substance. Habit forming, yes. Addictive, no. Alcohol, opiates, benzos, nicotine are addictive in that people cannot give them up simply by making the decision to do so. Pot you can quit instantly if you really want to. But quitting because she orders you to is different.

 

What about the lying? Was it only about the pot smoking or do you have a propensity to lie about other stuff too?

 

What does your therapist say? I bet s/he isn't putting it all on you. The guilt thing is your wife shaming you for being a bad person, and you drinking that cool aid.

 

So maybe she just doesn't love you anymore. Maybe she really is that opposed to pot smoking and offended by the lying... but that doesn't make you automatically a bad person. It's good to hear you're off the pot––stay off of it for your own sake.

 

I think your narrative needs to be something along the lines of... I'm a good person, I'm a good father. My marriage is over even though I didn't want it to be. I was a good husband, but not perfect. My wife decided I was going to quit and order me to do so. I didn't quit, so she divorced me. I will be fine. My kids will be fine. I resolve to love myself, be compassionate to myself, despite any faults I may have. I will emerge from this and be the best person I can possibly be.

 

Do not accept her narrative.

[S2B]

Acceptance is the key to all our problems.

 

IF/since she doesn't want to be married to you anymore - accept that.

 

Do your best to stay sober. Do all your step work and work with a counselor to gain clarity on why you chose to smoke over having your marriage.

 

The weed has power over your life and future. You either allow it to take over your future or you change that and take charge of YOUR life by not using anymore - one day at a time.

[rjthefirst]

Wow. I am really sorry to hear about this. My partner of 9+ years recently announced that she wanted to separate from me. We have two girls, 6 and 8. My life sounds similar to yours in some regards.

 

Anyway, as to the why... probably she had been drawing lines in the sand for some time now, telling herself that each perceived transgression would be the last, and if you did one more thing, she was leaving you.

 

A person tells themselves that over and over and over again, only to rationalize a reason to try one more time. So, once they actually decide to make a change, they are then terrified of once again backpedaling.

 

In her fear of changing her mind, she cannot even entertain talk from you that might push her in that direction. For better or worse, she will likely continue to dig her heels in.

 

 

Yeah I have talked about this to death with my friends, and the concensus seems to be - she is hurt and disrespected by you, you have shown her by your lying she is not important to you. She will not engage with you on any topic other than legal matters and exchange of kids. This is because she does not want to open the door to me *one bit*, because she is afraid frank and open communication would eventually lead to her giving me another chance. And she does not want to give me another chance, as it would only leave her vulnerable again to being hurt by me.

 

On some level I understand it, and I accept that I drove her to this. It still hurts very much, I still love my wife and I'm so sad and frustrated about her not wanting to go to counseling or even just talk about our marriage problems.

[SevenCity]

Women's minds are funny like that. Once they feel hurt or betrayed they will start to remember EVERYTHING you ever did wrong or they thought you did wrong.

 

Not that it will get her to reconsider, but I would break all contact with her. She is fed by your desires to get back together (ie: where was all this before?). Take that away and accept it is over (even if you don't want to). It may get her to rethink - or it may not. Bottom line is begging and pleading never works and has never worked.

 

You made mistakes but she has to take some of the blame.

[rjthefirst]

I think accepting it is about all you can do now. She has made it perfectly clear that she's done and wants the divorce, no matter what you say.

 

But I'm not sure you should be carrying all of this guilt. She has you convinced that it's all your fault and she's a pure as the driven snow. It's never that simple.

 

For one thing marijuana is not an addictive substance. Habit forming, yes. Addictive, no. Alcohol, opiates, benzos, nicotine are addictive in that people cannot give them up simply by making the decision to do so. Pot you can quit instantly if you really want to. But quitting because she orders you to is different.

 

What about the lying? Was it only about the pot smoking or do you have a propensity to lie about other stuff too?

 

What does your therapist say? I bet s/he isn't putting it all on you. The guilt thing is your wife shaming you for being a bad person, and you drinking that cool aid.

 

So maybe she just doesn't love you anymore. Maybe she really is that opposed to pot smoking and offended by the lying... but that doesn't make you automatically a bad person. It's good to hear you're off the pot––stay off of it for your own sake.

 

I think your narrative needs to be something along the lines of... I'm a good person, I'm a good father. My marriage is over even though I didn't want it to be. I was a good husband, but not perfect. My wife decided I was going to quit and order me to do so. I didn't quit, so she divorced me. I will be fine. My kids will be fine. I resolve to love myself, be compassionate to myself, despite any faults I may have. I will emerge from this and be the best person I can possibly be.

 

Do not accept her narrative.

 

Thank you. Yeah my self image as a person and a father is shot. I'm wracked with regret and guilt. I have to find some way to move forward. Your 'narrative' seems like a great starting point to reframe this. And no - I'm not really a serial liar or anything. I never lie to cheat people out of money or hurt people - I just lied about the frequency of my smoking with her because I wanted to avoid conflict.

[The_Onceler]

On some level I understand it, and I accept that I drove her to this. It still hurts very much, I still love my wife and I'm so sad and frustrated about her not wanting to go to counseling or even just talk about our marriage problems.

 

I am not so sure I would paint you as the "bad guy" in this situation. I can see from reading your posts that the pot was an issue for her, but whether or not she was justified in pulling the plug the way she did, well... I would say that the jury is out on that.

 

Sadly, right and wrong have little to do with what you will go through now. Just try not to beat up on yourself about the things you think you did wrong. None of us is perfect, we each do the best we can.

[S2B]

Yeah I have talked about this to death with my friends, and the concensus seems to be - she is hurt and disrespected by you, you have shown her by your lying she is not important to you. She will not engage with you on any topic other than legal matters and exchange of kids. This is because she does not want to open the door to me *one bit*, because she is afraid frank and open communication would eventually lead to her giving me another chance. And she does not want to give me another chance, as it would only leave her vulnerable again to being hurt by me.

 

On some level I understand it, and I accept that I drove her to this. It still hurts very much, I still love my wife and I'm so sad and frustrated about her not wanting to go to counseling or even just talk about our marriage problems.

 

Because you showed her with your actions that smoking is higher on your priority list than the marriage, her and your kids.

 

You made a conscious decision to choose that over her.

 

And you may do it again if she comes back.

 

She can't trust you - and without trust there's no foundation for the M.

 

Look at it from her point of view. She's also protecting your kids. She's making healthy decisions based on her boundary. Nothing wrong with that - she's being a strong woman.

[rjthefirst]

Acceptance is the key to all our problems.

 

IF/since she doesn't want to be married to you anymore - accept that.

 

Do your best to stay sober. Do all your step work and work with a counselor to gain clarity on why you chose to smoke over having your marriage.

 

The weed has power over your life and future. You either allow it to take over your future or you change that and take charge of YOUR life by not using anymore - one day at a time.

 

Thank you S2B. I've got 90 days sobriety, almost 90 12 step meetings attended. Right now my sobriety is the only good thing to come out of this, and I realize how it has been affecting my life in many other ways. I'm committed to remaining sober, whatever happens I want to be a better person.

[rjthefirst]

Because you showed her with your actions that smoking is higher on your priority list than the marriage, her and your kids.

 

You made a conscious decision to choose that over her.

 

And you may do it again if she comes back.

 

She can't trust you - and without trust there's no foundation for the M.

 

Look at it from her point of view. She's also protecting your kids. She's making healthy decisions based on her boundary. Nothing wrong with that - she's being a strong woman.

 

S2B - you are right of course. It is my fault, and I drove her to this. I am not trying to argue anything because, bottom line is that it is her decision and I can't change it. But addiction is a sickness, I know that now. There is a way to treat this sickness through regular 12 step meetings. Shouldn't your wife - the person who vowed to stick with you through sickness and health - work with you through the sickness? in the same vein, if she got cancer, I would absolutely be with her through her cancer treatment. I don't know why I'm trying to argue this. It's her decision.

[S2B]

Dude - just do the work! What step are you on? How soon can you get ALL your step work (round one) done?

 

Focus on that! Other things will fall into place - just get busy doing the work you need to do.

 

And no - it's not HERS to do - it's yours!

 

She is being supportive by staying out of it for now.

[rjthefirst]

Dude - just do the work! What step are you on? How soon can you get ALL your step work (round one) done?

 

Focus on that! Other things will fall into place - just get busy doing the work you need to do.

 

And no - it's not HERS to do - it's yours!

 

She is being supportive by staying out of it for now.

 

 

 

S2B-

 

Step 3. Yes I plan to continue step work. I have 90 days right now and so far nothing has changed, I'm still dealing with this miserable divorce. Fingers crossed that things fall into place and get better soon!

[S2B]

S2B-

 

Step 3. Yes I plan to continue step work. I have 90 days right now and so far nothing has changed, I'm still dealing with this miserable divorce. Fingers crossed that things fall into place and get better soon!

 

Make a commitment to get all your step work done within a week. Then you can see what that brings to you.

[Mr. Lucky]

Make a commitment to get all your step work done within a week. Then you can see what that brings to you.

 

If he approaches the steps honestly and diligently, no way that will happen. It's a little like saying the Olympics start next month, go ahead and begin training. Simply not realistic.

 

But addiction is a sickness, I know that now. There is a way to treat this sickness through regular 12 step meetings. Shouldn't your wife - the person who vowed to stick with you through sickness and health - work with you through the sickness? in the same vein, if she got cancer, I would absolutely be with her through her cancer treatment. I don't know why I'm trying to argue this. It's her decision.

 

Not a good analogy. Your wife wouldn't have chosen to get cancer in the way you chose to pick up the pipe everyday. Do you really fault her for not wanted to raise her kids and spend every day with some one who's high ???

 

rjthefirst, I have a child who's an addict whom I love just as much as you love your wife. But my kid didn't hit rock bottom until they ran out of other people to blame for their self-destructive choices. You might not be quite there yet...

 

Mr. Lucky

[standtall]

OP, IMHO..there is more to this one than what meets the eye. Women with minor children...particularly with a high standard of living or real young children like in your case it's both.. rarely get up and move out and divorce over pot smoking. Something else is amiss...physical abuse, emotional abuse (this includes emotional abandonment..too much xbox..poker nights)...3rd party involvement? I would do a personal behavior check, then look for another guy. I bet you he's around if you're not abusing her.

[S2B]

If he approaches the steps honestly and diligently, no way that will happen. It's a little like saying the Olympics start next month, go ahead and begin training. Simply not realistic.

 

 

 

Not a good analogy. Your wife wouldn't have chosen to get cancer in the way you chose to pick up the pipe everyday. Do you really fault her for not wanted to raise her kids and spend every day with some one who's high ???

 

rjthefirst, I have a child who's an addict whom I love just as much as you love your wife. But my kid didn't hit rock bottom until they ran out of other people to blame for their self-destructive choices. You might not be quite there yet...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

With all due respect - those 12 steps used to be finished within 3 days...when the book was written. It is possible and I've helped scores of people do just that.

 

When a person wants to do them - it can be done quickly and with honesty.

 

The person doing them just needs to be committed to accomplishing it. Any delay and it's possible a life could be lost. But that's when a drinker/druggie is SO desperate to get well they become willing to go at recovery every day - all day.

 

Willingness helps. OP - how willing are you?

[Gr8fuln2020]

Women's minds are funny like that. Once they feel hurt or betrayed they will start to remember EVERYTHING you ever did wrong or they thought you did wrong.

 

You made mistakes but she has to take some of the blame.

 

Men's minds work like that too. It's a natural, common response to betrayal, etc. Perhaps more with women b/c they tend to be more emotional, but men do that as well.

 

Here are a few things I get from this whole thing. Once again, I am reminded of those who use weed to claim that it is not addictive. It seems that the OP was/is. Another thing is how does a responsible parent justify using drugs around their children? I am with the mother on this. If the OP was warned, asked to stop and he continued, for her, her children were directly and intentionally put at risk.

 

I would accept and work on yourself. Work on moving forward...right now, I believe this is the best option.

[rjthefirst]

OP, IMHO..there is more to this one than what meets the eye. Women with minor children...particularly with a high standard of living or real young children like in your case it's both.. rarely get up and move out and divorce over pot smoking. Something else is amiss...physical abuse, emotional abuse (this includes emotional abandonment..too much xbox..poker nights)...3rd party involvement? I would do a personal behavior check, then look for another guy. I bet you he's around if you're not abusing her.

 

I don't think there's anyone else but I don't know for sure. But yes she did complain that my personality changed when I'm using - I become secretive antisocial irritable, and yes she did complain that I said many mean things to get over the years. I honestly don't know for sure though.

[rjthefirst]

If he approaches the steps honestly and diligently, no way that will happen. It's a little like saying the Olympics start next month, go ahead and begin training. Simply not realistic.

 

 

 

Not a good analogy. Your wife wouldn't have chosen to get cancer in the way you chose to pick up the pipe everyday. Do you really fault her for not wanted to raise her kids and spend every day with some one who's high ???

 

rjthefirst, I have a child who's an addict whom I love just as much as you love your wife. But my kid didn't hit rock bottom until they ran out of other people to blame for their self-destructive choices. You might not be quite there yet...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

This is my rock bottom. Losing my marriage and family unit is pure agony for me. If there's another bottom, I don't want to know what it is.

[S2B]

This is my rock bottom. Losing my marriage and family unit is pure agony for me. If there's another bottom, I don't want to know what it is.

 

Then you can get busy doing recovery for yourself... Everyone around you will benefit from that gift you can give yourself.

 

Why delay getting happy about not smoking?

 

Are you doing this for yourself or for your wife?

[Mr. Lucky]

Are you doing this for yourself or for your wife?

 

An important question.

 

This is my rock bottom. Losing my marriage and family unit is pure agony for me. If there's another bottom, I don't want to know what it is.

 

You've been to the meetings and heard the stories, sure you're aware of people who have lost all access to their children due to drug use. Don't let that be you.

 

You've been knocked down, my friend. Question is where you want to go from here...

 

Mr. Lucky

[rjthefirst]

An important question.

 

 

 

You've been to the meetings and heard the stories, sure you're aware of people who have lost all access to their children due to drug use. Don't let that be you.

 

You've been knocked down, my friend. Question is where you want to go from here...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I'm not in recovery as a ploy to get my wife back. I'm doing it because it's the right thing to do. I used to not take it seriously, but if it can rip your family and life apart the way it has mine, then I want nothing to do with it, and I definitely don't want my kids exposed to it. This divorce was a real eye opener for me in many ways.

[standtall]

So she is willing to blow up a her upper middle class family with very young children over pot smoking and the fact your hiding it. Bullcrap...there is something else going on. Women in similar situations typically will tolerate years of abuse, alcoholism, drugs, infidelity etc...before they give up on their marriage. There is something or someone else going on.