Quiet Storm Posted July 29, 2016 Share Posted July 29, 2016 I think he loves you, but love isn't #1 in his life. Other things matter more to him. I know you feel that if MM left his marriage, he would be happy because you are in love. But you also must consider that losing his family, respect, reputation and his legacy could make him miserable. MMs feelings of guilt, remorse, responsibility about leaving his family can alter the way he sees your relationship. It doesn't just represent love, connection and happiness anymore. Now the relationship is associated with his wife's pain, his children's disappointment and the legacy he wants to leave in this world. When MM weigh the value of romantic love vs. everything else, everything else is usually more important to them. I know this can be very hard for an OW to accept, especially when she knows the connection is real and feels loved by the MM. I think many MM do love their OW. But it's love for the connection and happiness that OW brings into their already existing and established lives. Most don't want a new life, they just want to enhance the life they already have. He probably thought being with you would make him happier, and didn't consider how leaving his family would really make him feel. You will be OK. Allow yourself to be heartbroken, as you will need to grieve this loss to truly heal. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Labfx Posted October 31, 2016 Author Share Posted October 31, 2016 So here it is nearly 6 months after MM's Dday, and 3 months after MM went running back. Original thread contains what happened. Since that time the BS has IMd several times to inquire if I've had conversation with MM, telling me to get a life, and insisting they are happy and working out issues. I'm Scratching my head puzzled --> yet BS is the one IMing. I have not responded to these msgs, nor did I initiate contact ever before/after Dday. The one msg i replied to on Dday was when I was duped via BS impersonating MM, but I caught on several messages into the convo. Life must not be quite so rosey if BS needs to contact me no matter how much BS insists things are happy. Doesn't it seem a bit late for BS to contact OW at this point? Link to post Share on other sites
Cymbeline Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 Well if you continued for three months after d day inthink she is still traumatised and unstable, especially if she isn't having effective professional support. Her behaviour might well be illogical. She's been emotionally terrorised and her WH probably is behaving defensively and in a self absorbed, ego centric manner, out of shame, ( and tuts if she is lucky). since he won't snap into perfectly-mentally-healthy husband mode for some time, if ever. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cymbeline Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 Are you pleased her life still isn't 'rosey'? (sic - it's spelled rosy) Link to post Share on other sites
waterwoman Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 Ignore them. Not you problem. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Clavel Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 i'm not sure if it's "a bit late" to be contacting you. but. if you robbed me and i knew where you lived i'd stop by and kick you every once in awhile. even if i got all my stuff back. just to remind you not to try it again. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
usernameisvalid Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 "I can only imagine what is going on with a BS who finds out her husband has had an 8+yr EA, a 7mo PA, learns that her WH loves me, WH files for divorce and he moves in to my home." Of course life isn't rosy. You said it yourself. And let's be real.. six months after more than eight years of betrayal is nothing, no time at all. What's your question here? Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 i'm not sure if it's "a bit late" to be contacting you. but. if you robbed me and i knew where you lived i'd stop by and kick you every once in awhile. even if i got all my stuff back. just to remind you not to try it again. A better analogy: Mary and Caroline are BFF at primary school. One day Caroline decides to play with Isabelle instead. Mary wonders where Caroline is, and one day finds out she's playing with Isabelle. She is upset when Caroline tells her she likes Isabelle better. A few days later, Caroline wants to play with Mary again. Mary insists on parading Caroline as her BFF in front of Isabelle. When Isabelle doesn't react with jealousy, Mary scribbles all over Isabelle's drawings. A WS is not "stuff" to be stolen or retrieved. A WS is an agentic being who decides if their own voilition to transfer their affection, loyalty, love, body or whatever to another. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 (edited) I wouldn't say it's late. She's obviously still suffering and traumatised by the betrayal. The realisation that the man who promised to be faithful to her broke that vow is gut wrenching. Contacting you is an act of desperation, as she's trying to keep you as a third party out of her marriage in an attempt to repair the damage he's caused with your help. You're right on one point ....... I'm sure life is far from rosey in their home or marriage. Probably never will be again. Edited October 31, 2016 by sandylee1 Error 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Labfx Posted October 31, 2016 Author Share Posted October 31, 2016 Are you pleased her life still isn't 'rosey'? (sic - it's spelled rosy) Always a spelling cop in the crowd... notice the time of the post. yawn. Get me on the captializAtion too. Geez 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Cloudcuckoo Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 A WS is an agentic being who decides if their own voilition to transfer their affection, loyalty, love, body or whatever to another. Of course they are, and it's a human beings right to choose whom they lavish their attention and affection on, but you can't talk about 'loyalty' in the same sentence when that person is a known liar, deceiver, and philanderer, can you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 THEY and particularly SHE is not your problem, YOU are now the problem. YOU are 50 and essentially you have nothing to show for 8.5 years of your life hoping against hope that this man would leave his family, all he knows, his job, his security, his wife... to shack up with you 550 miles away. YOU no doubt did all that on the strength of a few I love yous and a bit of day dreaming on the part of you both. Reality hit and this 50 year old guy chose the status quo and his real life instead of "fantasy" and jumping in at the deep end. It was a no brainer, most 50 yo "family men" do not really want to pack it all in and move somewhere unfamiliar and scary "on their own" without their wife and family behind them. He was married 21 years, that is not something anyone can just discard for some "stolen moments". The cage door opened, the budgie took a look out, flew to the sofa then realised the world is a frightening place, so he just flew back to his favourite perch inside the cage again. YOU are "lucky", you have now found out where his head is really at. DO NOT waste the next few years yearning for what may have been and "spying" on his family and tangling with his BS. You lost a fight that was never really yours to win. YOU need to get your head in gear and realise that at 50 yo, your days are numbered, you cannot afford to throw another 8.5 years down the drain pining for a man that used you as a side dish, until his wife found out, that is. Block his BS completely and everything else that reminds you of what happened, and get on with your own life - what you have left of it. (btw it is not uncommon for a bored married men to look up old gfs/exes/wives in the hope of "rekindling" interest. As a newly divorced woman 8.5 years ago, you were in an extremely vulnerable position in your life, and prime OW material, sorry to say!) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ahurtgirl Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 He may have started another affair with someone new and she is picking up on old habits he did when he was with you so she assumes it is you he is talking/contacting. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 He may have started another affair with someone new and she is picking up on old habits he did when he was with you so she assumes it is you he is talking/contacting. A very good point. Link to post Share on other sites
Chica80 Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 She's angry because he's "back" but not "back" "you" are the problem not him. She's trying to get some semblance of control back. Block her, or respond politely once you've had no contact with and don't plan to. Then block. Don't get into it with her back and forth. Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 As a BS I sympathize with her BUT all the questions she needs answered should come from her spouse-block and don't respond-she is hurting, but she is still in the wrong to contact you- Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 Of course they are, and it's a human beings right to choose whom they lavish their attention and affection on, but you can't talk about 'loyalty' in the same sentence when that person is a known liar, deceiver, and philanderer, can you? Just because someone once lied to one person, it doesn't mean every word out of their mouth to every other person is a lie. Just because someone once lost love and loyalty to one person, cause or country, does not mean they can never feel or exercise such to another. Did you ever tell a lie as a child? Have you ever told the truth since? Link to post Share on other sites
Maddieandtae Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 When someone lies to you and gaslights the heck out of you, you'll give almost anything for someone to tell you the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
wmacbride Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 Really, you'll never know for sure why she's contacting you, and it really doesn't matter. My best advice would be , if she contacts you again, to send her a repose you have prepared ahead of time. I would suggest something like "dear Mrs. ( her last name), I am very sorry for the role I played in your hurt. That was never my intention. I have no plans on seeking any sort of future relationship with your husband, as he has made it clear that his marriage is what he wants. I will respect that. I will ask you to respect that I do not wish to have any further contact with either you or him again. Please do not message me any more. " I suggest this response because it shows accountability, lets her know you have no desire to contact her H, and makes a clear request for no further contact. It also doesn't leave room for discussion or debate and shows little emotion. Whatever you do, please don't sound as if you are making any sort of comments on he marriage on giving her advice. That's just going to sound like you are initiating a dialogue, which you don't want. After sending that, block her anyway you can. Bring in contact is not good for either one of you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
heartwhole Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 As I told you in your original post, you knew that you were involved in a love triangle all this time, but she did not. So the clock started for her on DD, and again when they decided to reconcile. In that light, 3 months is not very long. Estimates are that it takes at least 18 months and up to 5 years to really move on from infidelity. You haven't explained if you are doing anything to perpetuate the triangle at this time. Have you tried to contact MM? Have you alluded to him or them or the affair on social media? Have you spoken to mutual friends? Are you doing what YOU need to do to move on? In any event, I don't think that a BW contacting an OW does anything other than look weak, but her messages don't seem extreme to me. She wants to assert that her husband loves and chooses her for the obvious reason that he told you and her for some time that he did not, and he tried on a life with you for size. She is telling you to get a life, which is why I wonder about you perpetuating the triangle. She is justifiably worried he might still be lying and asking you to corroborate. Of course, to reconcile a couple must figure out how to rebuild trust without involving the OW, but again, some empathy and big picture thinking on your part might allow you to view her actions through a lens of compassion and understanding. I agree that you should put an end to the messages because they do keep the three of you locked in a triangle, and now that she's sent you a few, she'll probably feel free to keep on messaging you every time she gets the itch. It could be that part of you hopes that he will come running back to you, and receiving her messages allows you a window into their reconciliation, but I think you'll be better off if you can cut that cord. Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 She isn't really asking you any questions or anything that is really needing a response from you. She is reaching out to you to try and inflict pain on you as well. Regardless of if it is right, wrong or indifferent, it doesn't warrant a response from you and there isn't a good one you can give. I would block and stop from seeing any communications. They need to work on their relationship and since it has been argued by many that you were a third wheel that wasn't wanted during the affair, the same logic would apply here as well, they don't need a third party in their reconciliation. Wishing you well. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
wmacbride Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 She isn't really asking you any questions or anything that is really needing a response from you. She is reaching out to you to try and inflict pain on you as well. Regardless of if it is right, wrong or indifferent, it doesn't warrant a response from you and there isn't a good one you can give. I would block and stop from seeing any communications. They need to work on their relationship and since it has been argued by many that you were a third wheel that wasn't wanted during the affair, the same logic would apply here as well, they don't need a third party in their reconciliation. Wishing you well. This is an assumption that is very unfair, and quite possibly, inaccurate. No one knows why she is attempting contact, so it serves no purpose to guess. This is why I suggested the note. It shows accountability without losing your dignity and lets her know clearly that you do not want to hear form either of them ever again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 (edited) This is an assumption that is very unfair, and quite possibly, inaccurate. No one knows why she is attempting contact, so it serves no purpose to guess. This is why I suggested the note. It shows accountability without losing your dignity and lets her know clearly that you do not want to hear form either of them ever again. Telling the OP to get a life would not be a question, a compliment, or a neutral suggestion ergo attempting to inflict pain. Telling her that they are happy and working on their issues was information that the OP didn't need to know and safe to assuming was not told to reassure the OP that she lived in worry that they weren't actually doing well. Why are you being defensive at the idea that the BS was trying to inflict pain? Why is that an unfair conclusion to make? It is not unreasonable by any means and realistically a fairly average/normal response. A "please do not contact me" is even more effective. Edited October 31, 2016 by Got it 2 Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 She isn't really asking you any questions or anything that is really needing a response from you. She is reaching out to you to try and inflict pain on you as well. Regardless of if it is right, wrong or indifferent, it doesn't warrant a response from you and there isn't a good one you can give. I would block and stop from seeing any communications. They need to work on their relationship and since it has been argued by many that you were a third wheel that wasn't wanted during the affair, the same logic would apply here as well, they don't need a third party in their reconciliation. Wishing you well. Agree. You don't need to be drawn into their drama. Perhaps their M only lasted as long as it did because of his A with you; perhaps his R with you couldn't last because he needed the drama with her to sustain it. Perhaps now, again, their M can't be sustained without drawing you back into their drama. There is no need for you to act as a marital aid for their ailing M. Hey need to find a healthy way to fix it - or end it. You do not need to be part of that dysfunctional dynamic. Ignore. Block. Do not get drawn in, even with polite requests for her to cease contact. Any response from you may encourage her, and if after one response there is no further response, she may escalate matters to provoke further response. Just ignore, leave them to fix what they broke themselves. They can enlist professional help if they can't do it alone. You are not their toy. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 (edited) No response from you is required. Any words of regret or apology (as some suggested) wouldn't be believed after an affair that long. Plus you really aren't sorry for anyone but yourself, so don't bother. Block her or if you want, you can reply telling her any further contact will be deemed as harassment and you will seek legal action. That should put an end to ypur Ex boyfriend's wife bothering you. If he can lie to his wife of 21 years for about a third of their marriage, why do you think he wouldn't lie to you? He's a deceptive cheater and the lies came easy for almost 9 years. It's in his DNA along with other long term cheaters. Edited October 31, 2016 by sandylee1 Added 4 Link to post Share on other sites
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