At a crossroad in the relationship

[SaharaBlue]

He & I have been together for 2.5 years. He had always been there for me, and would pick up and move across cities just to be with me. We've been cohabiting for 1 year now and recently moved to the third city in the time we've been together. He loves to dance and I'm a mediocre dancer. Our new city has more to offer, and is closer to university life and activities. I'm in my early 30s and he's in his mid 20s. The age bothered me a lot in the beginning, now it bothers me on occasions.

 

Since we have moved here, I've stopped joining him when he goes out dancing because I'm naturally an introvert and the dancers here are more advanced than what I was used to in the small town we'd lived in before. I'd explained this to him. He goes out twice a week, to Bar A & Bar B. My graveyard shift schedule varies but I'm usually working on the nights he goes out to Bar B so it didn't matter if I had wanted to go or not. We are both dancers so it never bothered me that he went out without me. We've done this for the entire relationship. We'd gone out together and without each other. However, we have been having minor arguments here and there. He stopped inviting me to go with him to Bar A and even on nights when I'm not working, he didn't want me to go with him to Bar B. His reasoning was the scene was not good and the crowd was not my type. This one is near the university. Bar A that he'd invited me to on several occasions had an older and more welcoming crowd, he said.

 

We continued to argue over little things around the house and bigger things about our families (my parents are racist and he's black). He became less and less patient with me and started to look forward to these dances even if I were not working those nights. He said it was my fault because he'd invited me to Bar A and I've consistently said no. He would come back early on the nights he goes to Bar A but because Bar B is farther away and starts later, he would be out until after 1am. My issue was him not wanting me to go. It made me uncomfortable that he was excluding me. His reasons seem sound but it still made me uncomfortable.

 

The arguments continue but it got worst as time went on. He was more protective of his phone and he started receiving more messages than before. When I asked him who he was talking to he would vaguely say "several people" then told me that a friend was having issues and it was private and was not something he could share. This went on for a week. We had an argument about him being secretive and he was offended by my lack of trust. We tried to make amends and he messaged me to let me know he was coming home soon from Bar B one night. One hour after the message, I called him to make sure he was ok. He ignored my call with an automated text saying he could not talk. Establishing that he was probably okay if he could send me that text msg, I stopped worrying and got angry. He came home around 3am, saying that there was a detour and he got a bit lost and sleepy so he pulled over for a nap. He didn't set the alarm clock correctly so luckily I woke him up when I called and he was fumbling with the phone and pressed the wrong button. He apologized but I told him I was having a difficult time believing him.

 

One week later he went out and I was working. He checked in around 1am saying he got home. I had a feeling that he wasn't home because the text was so impersonal, unlike how he used to check in with me while I'm at work. The next day I looked in his wallet and found a receipt that dated the morning at 1:28am in the neighboring city at some fast food restaurant. Not the time he texted me. When I confronted him he said he's not sure why the time was off. When I ask about what he does in the evening while I'm at work, he always gave vague answers. I asked him to be honest then he said I would not understand. Finally, during another argument, he told me he'd been depressed and seeking out people for support and he'd been embarrassed about it. There's a group of them in this dance community that reach out to each other and meet up to talk about their issues and hang out. I asked about a specific person with whom he'd been talking to via text a lot. He told me she was a student and he'd just talking to her about games and movies like he would with any of his friends, along with some of his depression. When I asked to read the messages he said he did want me to read about his feelings and thoughts of suicide. So he only shared a passage from his phone about them talking about food.

 

I really don't know. What do I believe in? I asked him to go see a shrink and he said he has in the past and it didn't help. He thought his support group was helping him. Am I selfish to think that if all this is really true, the support group is actually not helping because we fought and never got better like we used to before and this group was the reason he had to keep lying to me? I don't know what to think. It's hard to trust when he'd been dishonest. It also is difficult to grasp that I have been someone he could not come to for help.

[PegNosePete]

Sorry to say I think he's feeding you a load of old cobblers.

 

Even if it's true, he is lying to the person he should be leaning on for support. Instead of confiding in his long term partner he is opening up to strangers. That is simply not right.

 

But the much more simple explanation is that he's still lying to you and he is cheating, probably with this girl who he refuses to show you the conversation. Unfortunately now that you've alerted him that you're suspicious, he will delete all evidence, be extremely careful to cover his tracks, may even get a burner phone etc etc. You will most likely find it almost impossible to get any new evidence so you will have to make a decision whether to continue this relationship on what you currently have. Do you want a relationship like this?

[SaharaBlue]

And that is the thing: depression, suicide. Very heavy topics so I have to be cautious about calling him a liar. According to him, he did not want to tell me because he was embarrassed by the fact that he needed help. Also remember that we have been arguing a lot recently, so maybe I was not approachable to him. I want to drop it and move on. He said that he won't go anymore if that would make the relationship better. If I could acknowledge his feelings then maybe he wouldn't need to seek support elsewhere. My gut is telling me something isn't right. A part of me would rather that he is indeed unfaithful and not be suicidal or depressed.

[ExpatInItaly]

Sorry to say OP, but this has cheater written all over it.

 

Too much odd behaviour and too many facts that don't add up.

 

Tell him you would like to meet this special friend of his. His reaction will tell you what you need to know about the true nature of their "support system."

 

My heart goes out to you, OP. My ex exhibited a lot of the same strange actions, right down to "you can't come with me to XYZ pub because you wouldn't like it." And the restaurant receipt at an odd time, when he'd claimed to be doing something else. My gut was telling me he was hiding someone, and my gut was bang-on.

[SaharaBlue]

Thank you for your response. I needed a different perspective. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt and another opportunity to come clean. From the beginning when I saw the receipt I had wanted him to tell me the truth or take me back to the same restaurant so I could verify that their time stamp was really off. We could also call and have the credit card company on speaker, and have them verify the time the charge was made.

 

When I told him I would like to go with him to Bar A, he said he wasn't planning on going because he's not ready to go back after we have been arguing over it. I will ask to meet his support group and see. As far as this other girl, she's the Bar B and I'm usually at work on Bar B days. He said these people mean nothing to him and that he would stop going out for awhile if necessary. I would never want him to stop dancing, it is his way to de-stress. I just want to be able to trust him again.

[Satu]

He's cordoned off a part of his life that he's concealing from you.

 

He's concealing it because he doesn't want you to know about it.

 

Red flag.

 

I advise you NOT to trust him.

 

People don't conceal innocent and healthy things.

 

 

Take care.

[ExpatInItaly]

Thank you for your response. I needed a different perspective. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt and another opportunity to come clean. From the beginning when I saw the receipt I had wanted him to tell me the truth or take me back to the same restaurant so I could verify that their time stamp was really off. We could also call and have the credit card company on speaker, and have them verify the time the charge was made.

 

When I told him I would like to go with him to Bar A, he said he wasn't planning on going because he's not ready to go back after we have been arguing over it. I will ask to meet his support group and see. As far as this other girl, she's the Bar B and I'm usually at work on Bar B days. He said these people mean nothing to him and that he would stop going out for awhile if necessary. I would never want him to stop dancing, it is his way to de-stress. I just want to be able to trust him again.

 

He's actively keeping you away from this Bar A place. That is a problem. There is a whole component of his life you know virtually nothing about, and he's trying to make sure it stays that way. There is a reason for this. His excuse is flimsy and I hope you don't buy it.

 

My theory: It seems far more likely that he's worried about running into another dancer who doesn't know he has a girlfriend, or perhaps the staff there have seen him with someone regularly and he won't be able to explain who you are.

 

Notice how he'd prefer to avoid going altogether rather than make any attempt to include you. Doesn't make a lot of sense when he knows you like dancing too and could participate sometimes.

 

Him not going out dancing at all, I feel, doesn't prove much beyond trying to placate you for a little while. He doesn't need to be out at either off these locales to be carrying on with someone else. After some time passes, I would wager he starts going again anyway. And evidently these people do mean a lot to him because he relies on them so much for "support."

 

I know you want to give him the benefit of the doubt, OP, but this all smells very bad.

[Leigh 87]

you are being cheated on.

 

It is not normal to be so secretive and avoidant of your life, when you are indeed head over heels in love...

 

If a guy is really in love, they do not usually segregate their lives. My friend's fiance for instance, is a huge extrovert like your bf is - yet he doesn't see it fit to go out and have a life outside of his gf often - he PREFERS to include her most of the time.

 

Even the biggest extroverts should not need more than a day or so a week to themselves. And they should darn well not make the people they hang with secretive. You should know the main people he chats to or texts.

 

A man who was in love with you just wouldn't act like this.

 

Sorry.

 

I would actually send a friend of yours that he has not met, to the "bar". Pay someone. Pay a private investigator even. Have someone track his phone/follow him places for a weekend.

 

I would personally break it off and leave. But some men are pretty bloody pathetic, and prefer to hide their tracks and keep many girls going at the one time. He may protest and put up a huge fight if you leave. He may say such statements as " oh you are the One for me"... and sweat talk his way back.

 

Please go with your gut and block contact and do not look back. Do not give him a chance to beg.

[PegNosePete]

another opportunity to come clean

wanted him to tell me the truth

I will ask to meet his support group and see

You seem fairly certain that if he were cheating on you, he would tell you.

 

How many cheaters do you know, who come clean? I'll tell you. Virtually NONE of them. Cheaters lie, lie, lie and lie some more to cover up the old lies. They will lie to your face until the cows come home. Waiting for a cheater to tell you the truth, is like waiting for Donald Trump's hair to re-grow. It ain't gonna happen. He will just put on a wig and tell you it's re-grown.

[SaharaBlue]

If everyone were honest, life would not be so complicated. Last night was Bar A night. I told him to take me, I wanted to be included, I wanted to know that these people were real. He looked physically exhausted when he arrived home from work but I ignored his story about work being stressful. I just wanted to go out, follow his routine. He said we would go next week. I said I didn't want to wait another week to confirm his story. He got really upset and asked me why I was doing that. He yelled at me as I yelled back at him that he was trying to continue excluding me. He said I was trying to control him and he had already tried to break ties with that community. I said there was no reason to break ties now that I know about them, he just has to not lie about hanging out with them. He couldn't understand me. He kept looking at his wrists while talking to me. He got so upset he walked away. Someone msged him on the computer. He said it was his mom telling him that he was wrong and that I wasn't right either. His mom told him to take me out to Bar A. But I was such a mess I didn't feel like going anywhere. So, my fault, we didn't go last night. I was so exhausted from all the yelling. We've agreed to go next week (but I'd forgotten that I'm working) and we're going to go to Bar B as well when I am not working. He still refused to let me see the messages, claiming that it was a private conversation between him and someone who trusted him with their depression. If depression wasn't involved, I would have walked. He said I was the one who wasn't supportive, which is true because we've been arguing long before this. He said I was the one who kept refusing to go when he'd invited me the first few weeks. True as well. But he lied. In his argument, he lied to cover up his depression so I wouldn't think he's weak. I think I need to find a depression forum to consult with.

[SaharaBlue]

Waiting for a cheater to tell you the truth, is like waiting for Donald Trump's hair to re-grow. It ain't gonna happen. He will just put on a wig and tell you it's re-grown.

 

Thank you for the post, it made me smile a crooked smile. Sadly, I am akin to a Trump supporter. That's a really scary thought because it defies logic, but here I am, doing just that?

[PegNosePete]

He said we would go next week. I said I didn't want to wait another week to confirm his story. He got really upset and asked me why I was doing that. He yelled at me as I yelled back at him that he was trying to continue excluding me. He said I was trying to control him and he had already tried to break ties with that community. I said there was no reason to break ties now that I know about them, he just has to not lie about hanging out with them. He couldn't understand me.

Oh my goodness. If you believe all this, I have a bridge to sell you.

 

He is feeding you a pack of lies and you are not only eating them all up, you're happily asking for the bill and leaving a good tip.

 

You know why he yelled at you? To make you change your mind.

You know why he said you're controlling him? To make you feel bad and to put the blame on YOU.

You know why he "couldn't understand you"? Because he couldn't think of any other excuse or lie to feed you so he just played ignorant.

 

He is playing you like a fiddle.

 

Someone msged him on the computer. He said it was his mom

SERIOUSLY? You believe this???

 

my fault, we didn't go last night

No, he played and manipulated you from the start. He did everything he could to make you feel bad and not want to go. And it worked.

 

We've agreed to go next week (but I'd forgotten that I'm working) and we're going to go to Bar B as well when I am not working.

I bet you a choc ice that he hadn't forgotten you're working. Next week it will be the same story. Or another excuse, after he's had a week to think one up.

 

I think I need to find a depression forum to consult with.

Maybe, but they won't be experienced in spotting cheaters, like we are here.

He is totally cheating on you. Whether he really is depressed or not, I don't know, but that doesn't justify cheating in any way shape or form and you shouldn't accept him cheating on you just because he's depressed.

[elaine567]

If everyone were honest, life would not be so complicated. Last night was Bar A night. I told him to take me, I wanted to be included, I wanted to know that these people were real. He looked physically exhausted when he arrived home from work but I ignored his story about work being stressful. I just wanted to go out, follow his routine. He said we would go next week. I said I didn't want to wait another week to confirm his story. He got really upset and asked me why I was doing that. He yelled at me as I yelled back at him that he was trying to continue excluding me. He said I was trying to control him and he had already tried to break ties with that community. I said there was no reason to break ties now that I know about them, he just has to not lie about hanging out with them. He couldn't understand me. He kept looking at his wrists while talking to me. He got so upset he walked away. Someone msged him on the computer. He said it was his mom telling him that he was wrong and that I wasn't right either. His mom told him to take me out to Bar A. But I was such a mess I didn't feel like going anywhere. So, my fault, we didn't go last night. I was so exhausted from all the yelling. We've agreed to go next week (but I'd forgotten that I'm working) and we're going to go to Bar B as well when I am not working. He still refused to let me see the messages, claiming that it was a private conversation between him and someone who trusted him with their depression. If depression wasn't involved, I would have walked. He said I was the one who wasn't supportive, which is true because we've been arguing long before this. He said I was the one who kept refusing to go when he'd invited me the first few weeks. True as well. But he lied. In his argument, he lied to cover up his depression so I wouldn't think he's weak. I think I need to find a depression forum to consult with.

 

He is acting like a man with something to hide.

My guess is that it is not depression.

Sorry!

 

Forget about your work one night and follow him to those bars, or wherever else he is going, or get some other trusted friend to follow him or hire a PI.

[ExpatInItaly]

You are clearly being lied to and manipulated. If you are unfamiliar with the term gas-lighting, please do read up on. It's what your boyfriend is doing to you and unfortunately very common with people who are being unfaithful.

 

This isn't about depression. He might not be happy with his life, but his secretive behaviour and aggressive attitude toward you is not because he is depressed.

 

He's hiding things because, well, he's full of malarkey. His secret life is about to blow up on him and he's grasping at straws to maintain the status quo, at least for now until you "force" him to break up with you because you "don't trust him" and don't "understand" what he's "going though." That's what's coming here, I'm afraid. He's angry because you're catching on and he's losing his playtime with whomever really messaged him when he said it was his mom.

 

I know it's hard to acknowledge after you've invested years with someone; I was in your shoes once too. But sometimes the facts are really screaming in our faces that the person we once knew isn't there anymore.

 

You might want to have a read through the Infidelity forum on this site. You will find many with stories just like yours.