Found out the guy I'm dating might still have feelings for ex and is best friends

[miffymars]

I've been dating this guy I met online for 3 months now. I have started to develop strong feelings for him as we have gotten intimate already and I don't know how to feel now that I've found out that he's confused about his feelings. I have found out about her prior to this so I was aware that she was his ex and that they were still friends. I brushed it off because I too am still very close and good friends with an ex so I felt I understood.

 

As time goes on I learn more and more how close he is with her and her family and I mean VERY close for example he goes out to lunch with her mother. Is this normal or am I making it a big deal? He has said they've been together for 2 years and that he loves her to which I replied I understand because I love my best friend who is an ex too but in a strictly platonic way. I no longer have romantic feelings for him in that way and haven't for years now. But now I'm starting to think he still has baggage with his own ex.

 

I've asked him last night if he truly was only friends with her and he says yes she is seeing someone but I also told him to be honest if he still has romantic feelings for her because she was the one who broke up with him and he says :

 

"Honestly, I have been incredibly confused about my feelings lately and I have been wanting to talk to you about it because you said you like when people are honest. But I've been trying to figure out how I feel exactly before I brought it up to you. Also would rather talk about it in person "

 

"I just want you to know right now before we talk in person (hopefully soon) that I DO like you a lot and I love taking you out on dates and spending time with you and talking to you!"

 

I've been through so many terrible relationships and i don't want this to be another discouragement because I finally got the courage to put myself out there after so many failed relationships I'm not sure what I should say or how I should act when I do talk to him please any advice would be greatly appreciated!

[PegNosePete]

Personally, if someone told me that, I would tell them to sort their feelings out and call me when they have made a decision.

 

But I wouldn't hold my breath or sit there waiting forever. I would say a week is long enough, if he still can't decide after that then I'd move on.

[miffymars]

Personally, if someone told me that, I would tell them to sort their feelings out and call me when they have made a decision.

 

But I wouldn't hold my breath or sit there waiting forever. I would say a week is long enough, if he still can't decide after that then I'd move on.

 

The fact that he has to decide already sounds like it's not going to end well for me. How can I compete with that? And it's not fair they've had a 2 year history and here I am feeling like just a distraction for him. I guess I'm just hurt that I've let it get this far without knowing the truth.

[PegNosePete]

The fact that he has to decide already sounds like it's not going to end well for me.

Yes, I agree. That's why I would give him one week to decide, and I wouldn't be a part of that decision making process. Just tell him to make a choice and call you when he's decided.

 

How can I compete with that?

You can't, and you shouldn't "compete". You should allow him to make a choice on his own. If he chooses her, then you thank your lucky stars you found out now rather than in 5 years time when you're married with 3 kids. But even if he chooses you, you still need to ensure his actions match his words.

[smackie9]

so sorry you caught feelings for an emotionally unavailable guy. There is no escaping the fact that this relationship needs to end. I get that you have a strong desire to "keep" this person, but that doesn't make a solution happen. It's obvious that he is not ready to commit 100%. IMO you shouldn't take anything less.

 

I guarantee you if his ex asked for him back or offered sex, he would drop you like a hot potato. I suspect you are turning into his rebound.

[Toodaloo]

How can I compete with that?

 

You can't and there is no point in trying to. You are not his ex so its like trying to ask if doughnuts taste better than strawberries...

 

I know you are scared about being alone but I think you really need to start looking at this differently.

 

As in phew. Its only been a couple of months, thank goodness I didn't waste years and at least now I am single and can be free to find someone who is going to love and cherish me...

 

Ok now I am on my own I am going to go out and do things to improve myself and do things I want

 

Get yourself into that mindset and you will fare better in break ups and new relationships.

[miffymars]

Yes, I agree. That's why I would give him one week to decide, and I wouldn't be a part of that decision making process. Just tell him to make a choice and call you when he's decided.

 

 

You can't, and you shouldn't "compete". You should allow him to make a choice on his own. If he chooses her, then you thank your lucky stars you found out now rather than in 5 years time when you're married with 3 kids. But even if he chooses you, you still need to ensure his actions match his words.

 

Sounds like i'm giving him an ultimatum which from what I learned somewhere isn't good to give your partner. However I guess this is the only option in this case?

[miffymars]

so sorry you caught feelings for an emotionally unavailable guy. There is no escaping the fact that this relationship needs to end. I get that you have a strong desire to "keep" this person, but that doesn't make a solution happen. It's obvious that he is not ready to commit 100%. IMO you shouldn't take anything less.

 

I guarantee you if his ex asked for him back or offered sex, he would drop you like a hot potato. I suspect you are turning into his rebound.

 

It's true I really do feel like a rebound at this point. My fault for not bringing it up earlier and choosing to ignore it. I'm supposed to meet with him today to talk about it in person but I don't know how I should act/react to what he tells me. I'm afraid that he'll try to assure me that he still wants to keep seeing me but how do I convey to him that I don't want to be his second option?

[Satu]

The truth is just that he's not ready for a relationship with you.

 

That doesn't mean that he's a bad person, or that you need to compete with his ex.

 

It's just that he's not ready.

 

I would walk away, because it's not going to work at this point in time.

 

 

Take care.

[smackie9]

It's true I really do feel like a rebound at this point. My fault for not bringing it up earlier and choosing to ignore it. I'm supposed to meet with him today to talk about it in person but I don't know how I should act/react to what he tells me. I'm afraid that he'll try to assure me that he still wants to keep seeing me but how do I convey to him that I don't want to be his second option?

Simple you just be straight forward with him that you know he isn't emotionally ready to be 100% committed to you. Be firm when you tell him that it isn't fair to you to invest your feelings into someone who isn't over their ex. It isn't your job to help him get over her either. He needs to stop thinking about him self and see how it is affecting everyone involved.

[smackie9]

My fault for not bringing it up earlier and choosing to ignore it.

Ignoring the red flags is probably why you are not having any success in finding a healthy relationship. Stop the cycle, and just tell him you can't see him anymore, you need better than this.

[miffymars]

Ignoring the red flags is probably why you are not having any success in finding a healthy relationship. Stop the cycle, and just tell him you can't see him anymore, you need better than this.

 

When I talk to him and tell him this what if he fires back with "but you said you have an ex as a very close friend as well and you said you understood " Or what if he asks if we could be just friends? Is that ok?

[Satu]

When I talk to him and tell him this what if he fires back with "but you said you have an ex as a very close friend as well and you said you understood " Or what if he asks if we could be just friends? Is that ok?

 

Tell him exactly what you've told us.

 

I don't think you need to dress it up any differently.

[miffymars]

So I talked to him about it not in person because I didn't think I was comfortable with that basically he revealed that he isn't sure he wants a relationship and didn't want to lead me into thinking that he did he's in the navy and is leaving for deployment and won't ever come back and doesn't want a long distance relationship and said if I was looking for a serious relationship he's not the one to be having it with which he says sucks because he likes me but the timing is not right. He says he's in a strange place with work and moving and being out of a long term relationship. He said he wanted to tell me because it's not fair for me and he wants me to do what's right and good for me.

 

I've just accepted his response and pretty much thanked him for being honest nothing dramatic and not on bad terms. My question is if he chooses to still hang out say as friends is it not a good idea? And is it ok for me to or would it hurt me in the process of getting over my feelings for him? I feel like I kind of know the answer I just need to hear it from sound advice?

[PegNosePete]

he revealed that he isn't sure he wants a relationship

You know, whenever anyone says that, they always miss off the last two words: "with you". If Ms. Right came along (or if his ex clicked her fingers), then I'd bet my bottom dollar that he would suddenly be "ready for a relationship" in a heartbeat.

 

If you still have feelings for him then hanging out as friends is an incredibly bad idea. Friends talk about their daily lives, their problems, and their relationships, right? How will you feel when you're hanging out having a beer and he starts telling you that he's got back with his ex and wants you to be happy for him? That is what friends do. If you still have feelings then a friendship will and in pain for you.

[miffymars]

You know, whenever anyone says that, they always miss off the last two words: "with you". If Ms. Right came along (or if his ex clicked her fingers), then I'd bet my bottom dollar that he would suddenly be "ready for a relationship" in a heartbeat.

 

He did say "Like I told you when we first met I was only using tinder to find friends. And I found you. Which is super fantastic! But I still am not sure I want a relationship and don't want to lead you on to thinking I do. I am leaving soon for deployment again and I'm not coming back here. And already told myself I didn't want a relationship right now and wanted some time to not have that. And I for sure don't want to do a long distance thing again. It's never ever worked for me. "

[PegNosePete]

He did say "Like I told you when we first met I was only using tinder to find friends. And I found you. Which is super fantastic! But I still am not sure I want a relationship and don't want to lead you on to thinking I do. I am leaving soon for deployment again and I'm not coming back here. And already told myself I didn't want a relationship right now and wanted some time to not have that. And I for sure don't want to do a long distance thing again. It's never ever worked for me. "

He says... blah blah blah.

 

Like I said if the right woman came along or his ex clicked her fingers then I'm sure he would suddenly be ready for a relationship.

 

People don't use tinder to find "friends". I think you know this. It is not known as a friend-finding app, is it?

 

But it's really immaterial for now. He's told you he doesn't want a relationship. The best you can do is to forget about him and move on. Don't try to be friends with him, it will just end in more heartache for you.

[Darren Steez]

Why hang out as friends?

 

You don't see him as a friend, and most likely he'll just want to sleep with you no strings attached as he's made it clear he's not looking for anything serious.

 

Seriously walk away.

[miffymars]

Thank you everyone I appreciate all the advice its just a little hard to get real with myself and i'm trying to find ways around it but I know I need to let go. Im trying to find the NC thread if anyone could help me out? I think I need to re-visit that again.

[ExpatInItaly]

Absolutely do not try to stay friends with him. You will get hurt when he does start dating someone else or returns to his ex.

 

It sucks but it's better to just close this chapter and be glad you found out now.

 

One more thing: people don't use Tinder to find "friends". He is full of crapola.

[miffymars]

Thank you everyone who replied I will not continue with him any longer I haven't decided whether to tell him I'm going to cut ties I think I will just stop altogether without mentioning it as I don't know if I have the guts to tell him I need to get over him.

[PegNosePete]

Im trying to find the NC thread

You don't need a thread. You just cut ALL contact. Simples.

 

I haven't decided whether to tell him I'm going to cut ties I think I will just stop altogether without mentioning it

I think in this case it would be appropriate to tell him. Just a simple "Hi, I don't feel we can maintain a friendship since I still have feelings for you. I think it's best if we go our separate ways". Then don't reply to anything he sends back.