Together since teenagers, one sexual partner for ever? Missing out on being young?

July 27, 2016

I know this is far from the best way to get help but I need to hear what other people think about this.

My girlfriend and I have been together for 7 and a half years now. I'm 24, her 25. We got together when we were 16 and 17 and haven't been apart since. I love her so much and always have. She's just one of the nicest people on earth and has nothing but goodness in her heart. We've been through alot of tough times together, like parents passing away and losing a beautiful dog together, but we have also had alot of good. We've basically grown up and became adults together.

Up until the start of this year we were basically living with parents. We've now moved out and are living together on our own, something we openly discussed and wanted. Day to Day, our relationship is great, we get on well, make each other laugh and are there for each other emotionally, but something just isn't right. Some days it feels we're more like friends rather than a couple.

SO what's the problem?

In the past we have also discussed marriage and children. I personally don't have any strong views on marriage, to me it's another label and while she's agreed, she has also commented that people keep asking her and she would like to one day. I have also made it clear to her I'm almost sure I do not want children, and while she's said agreed, I can see it in her eyes that doesn't sit well with her....she's always showing me videos of dogs and babies and she's a big kid herself alot of the time. I think she would love a child in the future. We've skimmed these topics and I'd say we've never spent no more than an hour in total talking about these things - I don't know if that's normal, it's hard to compare because this is the only real relationship either of us have ever had.

Our sex life has had it's ups and downs, due to living arrangements but I know there is a big difference in our sexualities.

Around this time last year I confessed something to her that I had been holding in for 3 years or so - that I am sexually curious and have a higher sex drive than she thinks and that I want to explore sexually with her. I told her this because I had to. I kept it a secret for a few years and I know in doing that I was completely wrong but I didn't want to lose her. I finally reached a point where I had to tell her and I am so glad I did. She didn't leave me. We had many discussions and a couple of fights and while certain things have changed for the better, I don't think we will ever be on the same level. She has told me a few times sex isn't that important to her. She doesn't have a high sex drive and on the days we don't engage, I'm often left feeling unsatisfied in this area of our relationship. I have a desire to explore - not only other acts, but other people and experiences (i.e. me and her together with other people). Since living together our sex life has improved but I personally feel we're both missing out on certain life experiences.

Alot of weekends involve sitting in the house watching TV - I feel like we're an older couple, but we're in our mid twenties.

I find the thought of being with only one person sexually your entire life scary. At the same time I can not imagine myself loving, living with, being romantic or cuddling someone else. I want to be watching TV with her every weekend in my 60s. I find sexual attraction to be part of human nature and to ignore and supress this is only a bad thing. Just look at how many marriages end in divorce because of infidelity. I would never cheat on my girlfriend and cause her that pain, so that's why I've told her all these things. I didn't want to hold them in and keep them from her and end up breaking her heart and wasting her time 10 years into the future because I never bothered to tell her.

She has been extremely understanding and tried to get on board with me, expressing some of her fantasies (with some persuasion) that she has involving women and other people. I just don't think we have the same views on this and how relationships should work.

"I just couldn't do it." is the sentence she said that sticks in my mind. She has admitted she is low on confidence and always has been, which is another part of our relationship that worries me. With low confidence she has all the traits that come with it, low motivation, indecision, and disliking any change. I feel like I make all the day to day decisions in our relationship, do all the house work, i.e. cooking, cleaning, yard work, decorating. To be fair to her I don't give off to her about these things enough, because I'd happily do them for her every day for the rest of my life if she was able to meet my needs.

I basically feel like we have the potential to be the perfect couple, but the real downfall is me. I love her but I feel extremely bad for the way I view sex and relationships. It's far from normal and her views are normal. I feel like if were to explore like most young people do, the desire to do it would eventually fade, like it does with people who have explored. I just don't want to be 60 and still wondering about things and feeling I've missed out on my youth.

I also don't want to leave the woman I love and miss out on a life with her because of sex.

It would put your head away some days.

July 27, 2016

You'll never know the answer to this because you're deprived yourself of the perspective need to make an informed decision.

Let's say things were different and you'd spent the last five years playing boy toy to countless partners. At that point, you might decide the emotional stability and comfort your present relationship provides was the most important thing to you. And you'd have confidence in your decision, having seen both sides.

Given the differences in thoughts on marriage, children, lifestyle and sexuality, you seem to be pounding the proverbial square peg into a round hole.

The question becomes how much of both of your lives will you spend doing so?

Mr. Lucky

July 27, 2016

It doesn't sound like you and your girlfriend are compatible.

Perhaps you're together due to familiarity and comfort?

July 27, 2016

It doesn't sound like you and your girlfriend are compatible.

Thats what it sounds like

July 27, 2016

Dump her.

Go sow your wild oats. In the meantime, she will be pulling in five times the number of sexual partners as you do. A woman can get any available guy to sleep with her if she wants him. Not so with us guys.

You will go and have sex with five or six women, and she will have had sex with thirty.

So go do that. Se where you land in the end.

July 27, 2016

I think the bigger issue is that you've avoided having conversations about marriage and children.

It's time for some very honest and open conversations about that, as well as continuing conversations about sex.

One thing you might want to consider is visiting a counselor for pre-marital therapy. It doesn't mean you are going to get married, but a counselor will guide you through all the topics you need to go through before deciding whether marriage is even an option for the two of you.

If she truly wants children and you truly don't, that's a no-starter already no matter what happens sexually.

Beyond that, well... every time you make a choice, you lose out on other options you could have explored. And only you can decide how important being with other people is to you. But please don't try to pressure her into being with other people just because it is something you want. You need to make the choice to commit to this relationship, or let it go and go explore the world.

July 27, 2016

The big issue is marriage and kids. I see this as the reason to end it now. Your feelings about her is probably right.

- second is sex. Hard to say if the grass will be greener by being free to chase sex with tons of people. I thought that way after ending my first young love back in college. Thought I could find plenty of same level - or better - sexual experiences. Never did, never will.

July 27, 2016

I've been with my H since I we were teens, my only partner. Now in our 40s, things are great for us.

BUT...the sex has always been great. So great. Amazingly great. That's a big part of the reason we never broke up in the early years.

I predict that she hasn't discovered her sexual self yet. She may need a different partner to do so, someone who hasn't been dating her since she as a girl. I can't see this relationship thriving into her 30s and 40s if she doesn't have strong sexual feelings for you. One day, she's going to want to feel all that, and then what?

July 28, 2016

As you say, 'you've grown-up together'. You're now in your 20's & these issues will become more & more important.

As others have said, marriage & kids are the biggest issues. There's really no compromise here. If you truly don't ever want to get married or have a family you need to do the decent thing & end it now. If you love her & I believe that you do, you should do the loving thing & set her free to grieve & find the best life partner for her.

Now onto sex. How often are you having sex? Sorry to be so personal but when someone describes their partner as low sex drive & then says things like this...

"She doesn't have a high sex drive and on the days we don't engage, I'm often left feeling unsatisfied in this area of our relationship."

...which makes me believe that you do "engage" most days, I need to break it to you...after a long term relationship to be having sex most days at least isn't a low sex drive!! No matter how you dream of wild porn sex several times a day, every single day, reality will hit you hard eventually.

Not saying that wild monkey sex for a lifetime isn't impossible it's highly unlikely! If it's at least once a day, most days, you're a lucky guy!! I don't know why...life just doesn't go that way for most of us.

Do you really want to be free to get lots of notches in your bedpost? Be honest!

I came to this forum because of my husbands infidelity. Like you guys we've been together forever, we're just much older. My H (like you) never got to play the field. I was 21 (just) & him 22 (just) when we started living together. I got into the game young. He didn't. I truly believe that his adultery was a result of being 'flattered' to have the opportunity to 'get some strange'. It's DEVASTATING. Life changing kind of devastation!!

Do you really want to experiment with 'swapping', mixing in new people with your relationship or is it the compromise you've come to in your head to have more sexual partners AND keep your gf?

If it's just curiosity...knowing what sex with other women will be like its a very different thing than exploring a kink WITH your love. Obviously I'm bias! I'm not convinced that you will stay faithful, only ever knowing one woman sexually in your life.

Just a note. How attractive, confident, charming are you?

I know plenty of men who split with gf's to 'play the field' only to be lucky to get a handful of dates off of dating sites & the odd one night stand for the next decade!! I've never known a single man who has as much sex in a year as a married man gets in a month, NEVER!

Lots to think about. That's what your 20's are for.

Please never cheat. Please remember that some stranger on the Internet once told you that it's the most emotionally crippling thing you can do. Not just to your partner but to your own self.

July 28, 2016

You're not missing anything really..... your curiosity is normal though. Actually there's a beauty in two people that spend their lives with only each other sexually since the beginning. I've had the many multiple partners and actually wish I hadn't. It's fun for a fleeting moment but all in all it's not really that great. The love and dedication to a single person comes out ahead. Both me and my wife wish we were the only ones each other's had. But we live with it and go on. Only you know whether or not curiosity will get the best of you eventually. Be careful though....she sounds like a great gal....if you lose her you may regret it. Especially if it's just for a fling or two.

July 28, 2016

Let's see. From what you have said, I'm getting the vibe that you want sex, and lots of it with lots of different people, right? Females, males, 3-ways, maybe even some bondage, S&M or even kinkier stuff? Your woman, on the other hand, is happy with just you. She doesn't want to get strange... My advice is to break up with her now. You are on track to break her heart in 5 - 10 years. What you are talking about is revealing a basic character difference in your selves, not just a yen to sow your wild oats. It wont get any better, and if you force her to be at your level she will be profoundly unhappy. Damn, kid, to this old man, from how you have described your girlfriend, she sounds like she is worth her weight in solid gold. I really wish I'd found a woman like her when I was younger. It would have eliminated so many problems in my life, to have the love of a good, honest, woman who can put pure love above the common sinful lusts that ensnare so many people in their youth...

I suspect that you will know the truth of what I am saying when you are in your 40's or so. By then you'll be a player with a little black book full of the names of the various other people you have sex with regularly. She, on the other hand, will be happily settled down with a man who is just as sexually 'boring' as she is, and raising her babies and taking care of said man - and it wont be you. At that point in your life you will realize just how foolish you have been and would gladly throw away your black book for what you once had with her but frittered away in your search of sexual fulfillment. But, I guess we all gotta learn at our own pace in this life...

July 28, 2016

Your first mistake was 'growing up together' and committing to each other as teenagers.

You never had a chance to do what young guys DO when they're young - spread their wings, experience dating different girls, sow their wild oats, etc. etc.

What you're feeling is natural. You missed out on a whole stage of your life and you're trying to find a way to have it now, with your girlfriend. I honestly don't think that your girlfriend having sex with you 7 days a week is the answer to what you're looking for. You're craving sexual variety.

Sounds as though you've approached her about having threesomes with other women as a way to get some variety without cheating on her. I have to give you credit, at least you're trying to open up some avenues and you're being honest with her rather than going behind her back.

I think ShatteredLady's story in her post is the story of many men who never sew their wild oats. Eventually, they're driven to do it.

I think avoiding marriage at this point is a good thing.

Just being honest, but just because you two don't have any experience being with other people doesn't mean what you do have is the best you can have in life. It's just the only thing you both KNOW.

I find the thought of being with only one person sexually your entire life scary.

And unfortunately, it's this very thing that's eventually going to drive you to cross the line.

July 28, 2016

It doesn't sound like you and your girlfriend are compatible.

Perhaps you're together due to familiarity and comfort?

I was coming to say the same thing.

OP, you've convinced yourself that your views of relationships and sex aren't normal - says who, exactly? I think you're telling yourself this because you know your girlfriend doesn't agree and you are having a hard time acknowledging that there is a sexual incompatibility here.

Actually, your views are very normal. Plenty of people are curious and want to explore sex with others, which is why very few young relationships become permanent. It's not unusual at all, so I'm not sure why you think it is - particularly when you haven't had dating or sexual experiences with anyone else.

My inkling is that while you have enjoyed your time together and you love her, you are realizing that as you've grown up you've also grown apart. This is not just in relation to sex, but also long-term goals like marriage and children. You aren't on the same page there. That will become a problem soon, as your girlfriend seems to be hoping marriage and kids will happen.

It's time to really take stock of what you want in your future, and how compatible you two actually are at this point. As the above poster suggested, it sounds as though you and your girlfriend are comfortable together but that isn't the same as having a solid, thriving relationship and working towards the same objectives. That is where your problem is - you don't want the same things anymore.

Edited July 28, 2016 by ExpatInItaly

July 28, 2016

Your first mistake was 'growing up together' and committing to each other as teenagers.

You never had a chance to do what young guys DO when they're young - spread their wings, experience dating different girls, sow their wild oats, etc. etc.

What you're feeling is natural. You missed out on a whole stage of your life and you're trying to find a way to have it now, with your girlfriend. I honestly don't think that your girlfriend having sex with you 7 days a week is the answer to what you're looking for. You're craving sexual variety.

Sounds as though you've approached her about having threesomes with other women as a way to get some variety without cheating on her. I have to give you credit, at least you're trying to open up some avenues and you're being honest with her rather than going behind her back.

I think ShatteredLady's story in her post is the story of many men who never sew their wild oats. Eventually, they're driven to do it.

I think avoiding marriage at this point is a good thing.

Just being honest, but just because you two don't have any experience being with other people doesn't mean what you do have is the best you can have in life. It's just the only thing you both KNOW.
And unfortunately, it's this very thing that's eventually going to drive you to cross the line.

I'm not sure I agree with this.

We were in the same situation. Oddly enough i had thoughts in my mid 20's about what if. We talked about opening our marriage for a short time, or adding a woman (wife always found some women sexually attractive never acted on it).

In the end she ended up having an affair, we divorced and I went wild for a short period.

Now we both wish we could have a do over....not many get to experience a life with someone who pretty much has a shared history, it can be truly amazing.

August 4, 2016

Threads like this are the reason why I turned down men that have never had sex or never had a girlfriend. It doesn't matter how good of a person you are you'll never be enough because men feel the need to have sex with multiple girls to be happy and need to date some mean and unstable woman to fully appreciate a good woman. Dump her and then in later years when you have multiple sex partners and lack a woman as good as her you can live in regret. Hopefully she'll have some self-respect and not take you back

Edited August 4, 2016 by jazzyhands89

August 4, 2016

Having multiple partners is overrated OP. I thought the same while I was with my 1st wife. I wondered what it would be like to have multiple partners and trying different things.

I have had mind blowing sex and not so good sex. Getting sex regularly is more important that how many people you can sleep with. Trust me I know I was with the same woman for 13 years (1st wife), and the sex was good. I wasn't great but it was good, and I got it once a week minimum and sometimes more.

Between my 1st and 2nd marriage, I slept with 7 women. Keep this in mind, 2 of those 7 women had genital herpes. One didn't even know she had it and the other wasn't going to tell me. I told her first and then she confessed. Condoms won't protect you from genital herpes. I know I still ended up getting it. The women I ended up marring also contracted it 4 months before meeting her. A lot of people don't even know they have it. Something else to think about before you leave your GF.

August 4, 2016

Your first mistake was 'growing up together' and committing to each other as teenagers.

You never had a chance to do what young guys DO when they're young - spread their wings, experience dating different girls, sow their wild oats, etc. etc.

What you're feeling is natural. You missed out on a whole stage of your life and you're trying to find a way to have it now, with your girlfriend. I honestly don't think that your girlfriend having sex with you 7 days a week is the answer to what you're looking for. You're craving sexual variety.

Sounds as though you've approached her about having threesomes with other women as a way to get some variety without cheating on her. I have to give you credit, at least you're trying to open up some avenues and you're being honest with her rather than going behind her back.

I think ShatteredLady's story in her post is the story of many men who never sew their wild oats. Eventually, they're driven to do it.

I think avoiding marriage at this point is a good thing.

Just being honest, but just because you two don't have any experience being with other people doesn't mean what you do have is the best you can have in life. It's just the only thing you both KNOW.
And unfortunately, it's this very thing that's eventually going to drive you to cross the line.

I respectfully disagree with some of this.

Not everyone needs to "sow their wild oats" before they settle down. Some just don't have that curiosity, and some do. some think they should, as mass media and pop culture tells us that you are somehow "broken" if sex is your major goal in life.

When it comes right down to it, you have to really spend some time thinking about this. Tease out the root causes.

Is part of it that the full on commitment of marriage frightens you? Are you worried that if you get married, your wife will want kids and you won't?

Are you worried about being formally bound to one person, beyond just sexually?

Really think about it. are you ready to make a lifelong commitment to be with only your current girlfriend? What will you give up to make that happen? Is it worth it?

If you decide to end things with her so that you can explore being with more than one person, will that be worth it?

If you stay togtehr, will you be able to commit to being with just her? If you say you don't know, that's as good as a "no".

Really think about your future and what is, and is not, important to you. I would also talk frankly to some older men who have been married long term, and those who have not, and find out their opinions.

As for your wife's sexual views, please do not try and push or coax her into things just to make you happy, and don;t chastise her for being "vanilla". she is who she is. By all means talk to he about your thoughts and feelings and sexual desires, but be open to the idea that she may not share them, and don't try and push her into thins she doesn't want to do with the threat of " he will leave me if I don't do x, y and z, even though I don;t rally want to". You sound like a decent guy, and I don;t think you'd want to do that to her.

August 6, 2016

A few things stick out to me... Sex and then children/marriage.

You are both young and you may not know YET if you really want children so I'm going to leave that on the back burner for now. But just think about your main reason for not wanting children. Financial reasons, not wanting the responsibility, find children annoying, want your freedom to travel, etc.

What mainly sticks out to me are the comments on your sex life. People are different, for some like her it is not the most important part of a relationship and she is content with your current situation (and that is totally normal and I'm sure many men would be very happy with a woman like her). Now, other people like yourself need more sex, different sex, sex with new people, try out the freaky stuff haha! That's how I am, but my husband is now. My husband is like your girlfriend, he is happy with simple; I am not. The difference between you and I is my husband and I did not grow into adulthood together. I have much more experience than him (he doesn't know about most of it or how many, no need to upset him) but I personally love sex and experimenting and I fully understand this need you have and you CANNOT ignore it or push it away; it will not go away. I often get bored and argue about sex with him, you do not want this, trust me!! If you truly feel a void and want to experiment more then you need to be honest with her and yourself. This may very likely mean ending the relationship. She deserves someone who is happy and content with her, and you deserve to be happy and go experiment with other people.

I do not think you will ever feel ready for children and marriage if you have a void like this in your relationship because sex plays a huge part in a happy, healthy relationship.

Good luck, but please be honest with both her and yourself about what you truly need.

August 6, 2016

I went through this...& if one haven't been through it then they have no clue...been with my H since a teen & married him as a teen.

You date to find a person you want to be with & you shouldn't feel bad having doubts bc you haven't made that commitment to her yet. It's not about what "she" deserves. You're allowed to have these doubts before you settle down, it's not wrong. I remember my friends all went away to school while I chose to have a family. Now I loved my family but going to visit & seeing them have fun & dating multiple guys & their experiences would weigh heavy on me...did I do the right thing, should I have lived before I did this, why did I give up my freedom so young. I realize now that no matter how much I love my H & family, i was too young & shouldn't have married when I did...though i don't regret now we're through our crap.

If you're having doubts, you need to be honest. You'll be doing yourself & her a diservice if you're not. First loves are called first's loves for a reason. Just bc it's not bad doesn't mean it's suppose to last forever & you never know. You could go out & either meet Simone you're really comparable with or you & her could find your way back to each other. If you stay silent & just go along with things, I'm sure we'll be seeing you in the infidelity section bc this is how it starts. You love her & that's great but as of right now, you don't owe the rest of your life to anyone just bc it's the "next" step...good luck

August 6, 2016

There is something unique and special about saying that you were with one person your whole life. Look at this board, it is filled with people who are complaining about being cheated on, divorces, daddy issues, not getting enough sex, having kids with a loser, etc. I guarantee many of those people would want your type of life. The life where you had one soulmate all of those years that they have been searching for. If she's the one, marry her. You're old enough to know now. If not, I'd leave now, but the grass is not always greener on the other side.

August 7, 2016

Ha ha to people that think there is something "better" out there.

You are in for a big disappointment.

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Together since teenagers, one sexual partner for ever? Missing out on being young?

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