Possibly losing my man over a stupid lie!!!

[bones34]

I have really messed things up with the one I love! Here goes: I have been dating my man(almost Fiance') for almost two years,he tends to be possessive and jealous in many ways because of all his past girlfriends cheating on him. Anyway we frequent a night club and there is this one guy there(we'll call him P) that I talk to on occasion when I'm there,well I was drunk one night and told my boyfriend that I thought he was hot(he is good looking,but way too young for me). To make a long story short, last fall P. came up to me and my BF and was talking about modeling and doing commercials and he wanted to give me his number to see if he could get me into it. Well like a fool I took his number behind my BF's back and never told him about it. P and I talked on the phone a couple of times( just about modeling etc.) he always knew about my BF and knew that I loved him and would never leave him! Anyways a couple of months ago my BF was fooling around with my phone and accessed my voicemail in which there was a message from P. he came home from where he was(I let him use my phone) crying asking me "Who the fu** is P..?

I should have just came clean back then and told him everything--who it was and that it was innocent, but instead I lied and denied everything,I had his number under my brother-in-laws name and told him that it must be someone that my bro-in-law knows and called me by mistake. Anyway everything was great up until Monday(June 27th) when he came to visit me on my break and casually brought up P.. I left my phone in the car when we went to lunch together so I automatically thought he was snooping through my phone again (P called Sat.)and told him a bunch of Bullshi* about P... being my girlfriends brother and what not. Well heres' where it ends--this morning after work he asked me again whos' number that was on my phone and I played dumb again,finally he cornered me with questions and I blurted it out who it was. He automatically broke up with me, removed his ring, started packing up his stuff etc. I am so sorry that it came to this P and I were just friend nothing ever happened,I never seen him behind my BF's back or anything but he won't believe me saying "You've been lying about this all along, I don't believe you anymore". What can I do to win him back I'll do anything it takes to prove to him that it was strictly phone calls and we were just friends.and the only reason I lied about it was because he hated P and would have been jealous! He says that he will give me a slim chance,but he can't make any promises as to if we will ever be the same again as before. My heart is broken in a million pieces, I don't know what to say. I was SO stupid about this and there was no excuse for hiding the number from him. Please help me win my baby back!!!

[camcutie]

sorry for your problem bones, that really sucks, I think everyone at some point in thier lives realizes its always better to tell the truth when theres nothing bad to hide because when you lie truth always comes out to bite you in the a$$.

 

try and write him a letter to give him a chance to cool down, and to give him a chance to read it and hear what our saying.

 

can you get him to meet up with you and P so you can explain to him whats been going on is nothing?

 

good luck

[laRubiaBonita]

why not just stop speaking with p, either via phone or all together? at least for a few months.

 

then continue being totally honest.

[Merin]

I can't blame your BF for being pissed..

 

The only thing that I can suggest is if there was nothing going on between you and this other Guy is to call him (P) on the phone where your BF can listen in and tell him that you can no longer speak with him or continue the friendship..

 

Good Luck

[Zaira]

Firstly, it is your boyfriend's fault that he is extremely jealous, because of things that happened in HIS past. He should not have ever let them influence your relationship, but of course I know that is virtually impossible.

 

Secondly, you should not have lied (I don't think you have done anything wrong with taking the number etc) - but I think you know this already.

 

My advice would be to sit down with your boyfriend and explain the whole thing: ie. "P asked if I wanted some modelling work and I thought it would be great....... BUT I knew how upset and jealous you would be, so I thought if I didn't tell you it would make things easier for you. I know I should not have lied, but there was nothing more to it than what I have told you eg. modelling. I know you have issues with trust, and this is something we have to work through TOGETHER."

 

I guess then you can only see how it goes. It seems as though your boyfriend loves you deeply, but he just needs to feel more secure within the relationship. You can help him with that, but overall he needs to do that for himself.

[bones34]

Originally posted by laRubiaBonita

why not just stop speaking with p, either via phone or all together? at least for a few months.

 

then continue being totally honest.

I told P when he called me on Saturday that I can't speak to him on the phone anymore because I was getting married,a few weeks ago he told me that he couldn't get me into the commercial,modeling(the only reason I took his # in the first place)I felt there was no reason for us to continue to talk. After telling my BF that I no longer intend on talking to P, he says he don't believe me on that either

[Zaira]

Originally posted by bones34

I told P when he called me on Saturday that I can't speak to him on the phone anymore because I was getting married,a few weeks ago he told me that he couldn't get me into the commercial,modeling(the only reason I took his # in the first place)I felt there was no reason for us to continue to talk. After telling my BF that I no longer intend on talking to P, he says he don't believe me on that either

 

You've done the right thing. You can not MAKE your boyfriend believe you, so I am not sure what to say hereinafter

[tanbark813]

The problem isn't just the lies about P. To you they seem stupid and you know why you did what you did, but to your bf they're definitely not stupid. If he went so far as to break up with you, he's obviously taking the lies very seriously.

 

The other problem is that I guarantee your bf is going over the past 2 years in his mind wondering if anything else was a lie and wondering what else he doesn't know about.

 

I've been in your man's situation before and one solid piece of advice I can give you is to not try to turn this around on him and make it about his issues or trivialize what he's feeling. Just own up to the fact that it was a big mistake and promise to make it up to him. That's all you can really do. If you try to make the lies seem stupid or insignificant or rationalize them, you'll probably just piss him off more and drive him further away.

 

 

Oh, and don't fall for anymore "I'll help you get into modeling" lines.

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

If the roles were reversed, don't you think you would be acting and thinking exactly the way your ex-boyfriend was thinking? You did nothing but continued to lie to him over and over again. How could you not see that by constantly lying to his face over and over again he would think that you have no problem lying to him now and in the future. Why would anyone wish to marry someone who seems so good in lying to the face of someone they love?

 

I guarantee you that if your ex-boyfriend was having secret coversations and lying to you about them about some girl he found very hot - you would be going ballistic. In addition, you said you could not talk to P anymore and that this was weeks after he told you he could not get you into modeling; so what was the point of continuing the talks with P after he told you he could not get you into modeling? He clearly was feeding your ego in some way. For a girl who was supposed to be thinking of getting married to your boyfriend this was clearly disrespectful and hurtful to your boyfriend. I have to tell you but I understand why your boyfriend would not wish to marry someone who carries on a secret friendship with another guy she finds hot and continued to blantedly lie about it to a man she supposedly loves and wants to get married with. You think it is no big deal. The sad part is that you still don't realize it is a big deal and that shows your character and your belief that lying to your fiancee over and over again to his face is not a problem with you at all. Again how would you feel if the roles were reversed?

[Cecelius]

Originally posted by ~Zaira~

My advice would be to sit down with your boyfriend and explain the whole thing: ie. "P asked if I wanted some modelling work and I thought it would be great....... BUT I knew how upset and jealous you would be, so I thought if I didn't tell you it would make things easier for you. I know I should not have lied, but there was nothing more to it than what I have told you eg. modelling. I know you have issues with trust, and this is something we have to work through TOGETHER."

 

I think if you say this, even if it is true, you will bury the coffin of your relationship so deep that it will be done for good.

 

This is like telling a woman she is fat, even when she is.

 

Yes, it is dopey that he's jealous and clingy, but I wouldn't try to make this his problem.

[crazy_grl]

It's not his fault for having issues with trust. The best way to assure someone who has those kinds of issues is not to lie to them repeatedly to 'protect them' from jealousy. In reality you're simply protecting yourself from their anger when they find out about something you've done. It's also giving you the opportunity to do whatever it is that would make them jealous without having to feel guilty about it. The bad thing this that when you do this, you don't spare them or yourself any of the jealousy, guilt, anger, etc. Because when the lies come out, they usually look a lot worse than the truth.

 

Taking the 'what they don't know won't hurt them' approach to relationships is a horrible mistake.

 

I don't believe that you lied to protect him or spare his feelings. I've done that kind of lying before, telling myself that it was better for him if he didn't know, but it was always to benefit me. If you really wanted to protect your bf and spare his feelings, you wouldn't have taken the guy's number and you wouldn't have been calling him behind his back.

 

Your bf has every right to be angry, because you did something very wrong. Right now, he's probably questioning everything you ever said to him, because you're so comfortable lying to him. This is not his fault. Don't blame him. He probably doesn't trust you at all right now, and the only way you can get that trust back is to be completely honest with him and stop making excuses for your behavior.

 

I hope it works out for you, but it doesn't really look good. If it doesn't, hopefully you'll learn something from this to take into your next relationship.