Can a man be in love with "the other woman"?

[l8estnews]

If there is one thing I learned from this world is that KARMA is real. You don't need to believe me, just watch how things will unfold.

 

So, do NOT harbor negative feelings. It's not up to you to "punish" the guy for his wrongdoing. The Universe WILL take care of that. I swear. So leave it.

 

But feel the grief, the pain, the loss, even the feelings of inadequacy, your "ugliness," not being the best etc. Embrace them.... and let go after. Because let me tell you these:

 

You might feel inadequate, ugly, not being the right option etc. but remember that these feelings are subjective because you are relating these to HIM. Maybe yes, you won't be his first choice, that he's really into this woman, that's he's NOT into you. But that doesn't mean that YOU, as an individual WOMAN, is inadequate.

 

SOMEONE OUT THERE will treat you like his princess, first option, the most beautiful woman in the world. And you will understand why this husband of yours is not the best guy for you. Give it 5-10 years, and go back here again, I PROMISE YOU, you will say to yourself "WTF did I see with that jerk of a guy?" and you might laugh at yourself. You are 26. Mid 20s. VERY VERY YOUNG to give up on being happy and settling with a guy like him.

 

Stay strong, Honey. You stumbled upon a rock and THANK GOD you saw the light as early as now. There's a reason why you saw those text messages as early as now. So this is not the end for you, more like a beginning of your journey.

 

Write here. Just write, vent out. We'll be here. But right now, go through with that divorce. You dodged a bullet but it still grazed you. That's the pain you are feeling. You will heal. Been there, done that. I thought I will die, but I just woke up one day and I am way too happy

Edited July 29, 2016 by l8estnews

[Lady2163]

This is probably stating the obvious, but he never should have married you. I think he had some genuine affection and caring for you. Quite possibly he could have been happy with you if she had stayed out of your area.

 

It's all hypothetical and pointless to discuss much, but my point is, this is on him. He married a woman who quite possibly he didn't feel was his soul mate, but that he could be content with.

 

I do think you are somewhat fortunate to not have been stuck in gaslight mode for very long. I can't say it from a marriage point of view, but I've had boyfriends who were professional gaslighters and would get angry, be abusive, pick fights, storm out, hang up....anything to deflect the topic at hand. I knew I wasn't crazy, but I never knew what would set them off and have them melodramatically leave. Now, looking back, I realize they were scheduled to meet the OW and the tantrum was just an excuse. What destroyed me was never feeling like the relationship was on solid ground.

 

You have a process in front of you that isn't enjoyable. Take it one hour at a time. You can do this.

[standtall]

 

That woman must be so happy... Someone asked if she knew about me -yes, but not from the beginning, what I've seen in the messages he didn't tell her he's married, she found out by herself few months after they began to date. I don't know if I really knew him, I know completely different side of him, sweet, polite, loving, caring man heart of gold... Seriously though, why it's so many di*ks out there.

 

She won't be for long. She will never truly trust him along with a bunch of other baggage that he brings and she has.

 

She26...hold your chin up, and you will find a much more worthy spouse for yourself. ..not all men are betrayers.

[LivingWaterPlease]

She26, read Love Must Be Tough by James Dobson. You may be able to get it at your local library (mine has it).

 

It will give you the tools to go through this in a dignified way and come out of it in the best possible way emotionally.

 

This is not a book about divorce, it's about keeping a marriage together when one of the partners wants to be out of it. However, it will benefit you even if you don't want to keep the marriage together.

 

Some posters have suggested your H may want to return to you after he's left. I believe the book will also help you proceed in that case, too.

[seren]

I am so very sorry it worked out like this. First thing, never, ever lay the blame for his actions on yourself. The choice to deal with thjngs by having an affair is all down to him. As others have said, get legal advice today, start the ball rolling, change the licks on your home. Get some support from people you trust, I too think he will be back. It is easy for people fo give their opinion, you will hear no end say you should do this or that, just bear in mind this is your life and do what is right for you. Take care xxxxxx

[Lois_Griffin]

That woman must be so happy... Someone asked if she knew about me -yes, but not from the beginning, what I've seen in the messages he didn't tell her he's married, she found out by herself few months after they began to date.

Does this guy do ANYTHING with honesty and integrity? Every single thing he does is sleazy, slimy, underhanded, and deceitful.

 

I don't think you realize it just yet, but the day is coming when you're going to get on your knees and thank the heavens above for having opened your eyes to what a sleaze-ball this guy really is.

 

You've lost NOTHING of value here.

[Lady Hamilton]

If there is one thing I learned from this world is that KARMA is real. You don't need to believe me, just watch how things will unfold.

 

So, do NOT harbor negative feelings. It's not up to you to "punish" the guy for his wrongdoing. The Universe WILL take care of that. I swear. So leave it.

 

But feel the grief, the pain, the loss, even the feelings of inadequacy, your "ugliness," not being the best etc. Embrace them.... and let go after. Because let me tell you these:

 

You might feel inadequate, ugly, not being the right option etc. but remember that these feelings are subjective because you are relating these to HIM. Maybe yes, you won't be his first choice, that he's really into this woman, that's he's NOT into you. But that doesn't mean that YOU, as an individual WOMAN, is inadequate.

 

SOMEONE OUT THERE will treat you like his princess, first option, the most beautiful woman in the world. And you will understand why this husband of yours is not the best guy for you. Give it 5-10 years, and go back here again, I PROMISE YOU, you will say to yourself "WTF did I see with that jerk of a guy?" and you might laugh at yourself. You are 26. Mid 20s. VERY VERY YOUNG to give up on being happy and settling with a guy like him.

 

Stay strong, Honey. You stumbled upon a rock and THANK GOD you saw the light as early as now. There's a reason why you saw those text messages as early as now. So this is not the end for you, more like a beginning of your journey.

 

Write here. Just write, vent out. We'll be here. But right now, go through with that divorce. You dodged a bullet but it still grazed you. That's the pain you are feeling. You will heal. Been there, done that. I thought I will die, but I just woke up one day and I am way too happy

 

More realistically OP, since he has left and you feel that this is it, spend time working on and getting to know you in this new life dynamic. Learn about what you need to do to succeed in this new reality... Succeeding meaning you're developing a good routine, you're on a path to emotional wellness, and have an idea of what wellness and happiness looks like without relying on "karma" and "the universe" to right a transgression against you.

 

The simple fact is that he may not "get his." He may wake up in 20 years still with her, happy, with 5 more kids, and throughly pleased with life. So pinning your hat on his universal payback at any point in your recovery simply is wasted effort and you allowing somebody who doesn't think of you to take up valuable mental real estate.

 

The goal isn't to sit and wait for karma to pay him back for hurting you (that's not how karma works anyway), the goal is to move on so that if he doesn't or does have a miserable life without you, you won't care because you are doing your own thing.

[she26]

First of all, thank You guys for all this support! It means a lot to me. A big, BIG THANK YOU!!

 

Does this guy do ANYTHING with honesty and integrity? Every single thing he does is sleazy, slimy, underhanded, and deceitful.

You've lost NOTHING of value here.

Actually, you are so, so right. I'm just starting to realize that... All those years were just a one bunch of lies. Yet he started his relationship with that one from a lies.

 

I've done something probably most stupid, but I've met with that other woman. I just wanted to see if she's really worth all this.... And I must admit that she really, really loves him. She said she wanted him from day one but it just wasn't the right time for them. She actually got very emotional and she feels guilty... But she's happy with him and when I talked to her I've seen in her eyes a true love... I realized that she is the one... I don't know, I just had that strange feeling that they are made for each other. As much as I want to hate her, she's actually a very nice woman. She apologized and said that she never wanted to break our family... I left her house without anger. That's very weird isn't it.

 

My soon to be ex husband visited me today and just recently left. We finally had a proper conversation about that whole situation. Yes, I said I still love him but when I saw that other woman I really knew why he fell for her. His words "I married my best friend but it wasn't just strong enough". He said he'd prefer if this never happened (our marriage) because I wouldn't be so hurt now, but from the other side he wound have that beautiful son. I still can't believe it, but I had a feeling.... Our marriage is over and I don't even wanna fight for it. I'll let him go, focus on our little boy and live. My heart still aching but my life isn't over. I wonder if wellbeing e able to stay friends for our little one. Hopefully...

[elaine567]

The simple fact is that he may not "get his." He may wake up in 20 years still with her, happy, with 5 more kids, and thoroughly pleased with life. So pinning your hat on his universal payback at any point in your recovery simply is wasted effort and you allowing somebody who doesn't think of you to take up valuable mental real estate.

 

The goal isn't to sit and wait for karma to pay him back for hurting you (that's not how karma works anyway), the goal is to move on so that if he doesn't or does have a miserable life without you, you won't care because you are doing your own thing.

 

I agree waiting for "karma" is a waste of time, life doesn't actually work like that, IME.

Concentrating on negative stuff just brings YOU down, so whilst you tie yourself in knots, the object of your hate/anger/frustration just carries on regardless and doesn't care a damn.

[sandylee1]

She26,

 

You'll go on to find a man who truly loves you and can share great times with you and your son in time. Even with you going on to have more kids if you wish. You have the big advantage of age being on your side and you sound like a really nice person too.

 

It just goes to show that some people don't take marriage seriously. He didn't need to marry you. He's still young and he should have stayed on his own instead of making your son a two home family after 1 year of life. Luckily your son is very young and will adjust a lot easier to the new life.

 

You deserve happiness.

Don't let this experience put you off men for life.

[oldshirt]

Wow. So sorry this has happened to you.

 

If there is any kind of silver lining here it is that this case is so clear cut and there is no question or confusion or ambiguity here at all. Your marriage is dead. There is virtually no chance of survival and you would be wasting every breath and every second that you try.

 

So don't waste a moment. Get a good lawyer, get what you can out of the marital assets, get a good working custody and coparenting plan, and then walk away and never look back.

 

You have been free'd here. There is virtually no question but that you should move on with your life and do whatever you want to do without regards to him or your soon to be former marriage. (other than child rearing of course)

 

Yes this has been a disruption and not what you had planned, but trust completely that this is over. Trust that he sucks. Trust that a better life is waiting for you going forward. Trust that moving on and moving forward with your own life is not only your best option, it is your only option.

 

The whole world is your oyster now and you are still young and in the prime of your life. Go forth and live it fully.

[heartwhole]

She26, read Love Must Be Tough by James Dobson. You may be able to get it at your local library (mine has it).

 

It will give you the tools to go through this in a dignified way and come out of it in the best possible way emotionally.

 

This is not a book about divorce, it's about keeping a marriage together when one of the partners wants to be out of it. However, it will benefit you even if you don't want to keep the marriage together.

 

Some posters have suggested your H may want to return to you after he's left. I believe the book will also help you proceed in that case, too.

 

I have not read the book, though I did read a book by him as a teenager, but I would like to point out that James Dobson is the founder of Focus on the Family, a very conservative Christian group that, for example, promotes conversion therapy for gay people. From the reviews, it sounds like this book is about love-bombing your straying spouse while he continues merrily riding off into the sunset with his OW until one day he wakes up and says, "Ah ha. I do choose you after all."

 

While I think that bloggers like Chump Lady are too extreme in their view that no marriage should be saved after infidelity, I also think the idea that you should simply refuse to accept your partner's desire to divorce is too extreme on the other side. When I found out about my husband's affair, he was still hung up on the OW, but he at least demonstrated his desire to stay married to me by cutting off communication with her and trying to hide the depth of his feelings while he worked to recommit to me. If he had said, "I don't love you. I love her. It's over," I would have said, "Here's the door . . . " I know my worth, and I'm not going to chase some guy who's chasing someone else, even if that guy is my husband. It's hard enough to reconcile with a cheater when he DOES choose you and commit to giving up the OW and moving on together. It would be darn near impossible without that, I believe.

 

I'm so sorry that you have suffered this awful shock, but I'm proud of the way you are conducting yourself. You didn't beg or plead; you realized that you deserve better. And you do. You do! Hang in there.

[Oberfeldwebel]

Firstly I am sorry that you are in this position. Secondly, you are an incredibly strong women to do the things that you have done. I will warn you that you are going to still go through a plethora of emotions over the next few months and will have good days and bad days. This is all part of the process of grieving the loss of the relationship, it is like the death of a close friend or family. The OW is not all that she appears as if she was truly sorry, she would have never done it in the first place. Also they both are connecting with someone that they know has no compunction for cheating.

 

Lastly, take time before dating again, so that you have finished with this relationship before starting another. You are a young, strong woman and mother, there are many men that would give their left arm for such a person. It is a brave new world out there.

[oldshirt]

She26, read Love Must Be Tough by James Dobson. You may be able to get it at your local library (mine has it).

 

It will give you the tools to go through this in a dignified way and come out of it in the best possible way emotionally.

 

This is not a book about divorce, it's about keeping a marriage together when one of the partners wants to be out of it. However, it will benefit you even if you don't want to keep the marriage together.

 

Some posters have suggested your H may want to return to you after he's left. I believe the book will also help you proceed in that case, too.

 

I also disagree with this and think at best it would be a waste of time and money and may very well give false hope.

 

While I haven't read the book, James Dobson and Focus On the Family is a very conservative Christian organization that has an extreme view of maintaining marriage even in toxic and detrimental situations which this situation very much is.

 

There is nothing to save here.

 

In order for a marriage to survive infidelity the WS must realize they made a mistake and did something wrong, be sincerely remorseful for it, agree to cut off all contact with the AP for life, open themselves up to complete transparency, and then commit themselves to doing the heavy lifting to repair the damage, reflect on what went wrong in the relationship and to do what is needed to move forward and reconcile the marriage going into the future.

 

He has done absolutely NONE of that and has in fact committed himself to dissolving the marriage and is moving forward with the OW.

 

This train has left the station and not only can not be saved but SHOULD not be saved.

 

Even if down the road his relationship falls apart with OW, there is no reason on God's Green Earth why she should even consider taking him back after all the lies, deceptions and false realities he has inflicted upon her.

 

Christian family value programs may have their place is someone is having a crisis of faith or some kind of religious identity issue. But this is a nuts and bolts issue that involves a man intentionally developing an alternate life with a different woman and then choosing to dissolve the marriage and relationship with his STBX wife.

 

The old saying, "doesn't have a prayer's chance" has literal meaning in this situation. Prayer and Christian values will have no impact and no bearing in this situation.

[she26]

Hi guys, I thought I'd just post an update.

So, I filed for divorce, we currently not talking too much, he just makes sure if me and our son need anything. They moved in together and seem to be happy. There's ups and downs but I'm doing well, I've got a whole lot of support. I let him to see our son as much as he wants.

[l8estnews]

Hi guys, I thought I'd just post an update.

So, I filed for divorce, we currently not talking too much, he just makes sure if me and our son need anything. They moved in together and seem to be happy. There's ups and downs but I'm doing well, I've got a whole lot of support. I let him to see our son as much as he wants.

 

I was waiting for your update. I hope you are okay. Now, just focus on rebuilding yourself, letting go of the pain, and just "de-toxify" the emotional baggage this situation has caused you.

 

You already did one of the things that most of the betrayed spouses cannot do: Letting go.

 

From someone who is oceans away from you, I want to let you know that I AM VERY PROUD OF YOU

 

Heal.

Recuperate.

Love again. And yes, it WILL come for you.

[sandylee1]

Glad you're doing well.

 

Keep moving forwards and look to a brighter future. You deserve it.

[oldshirt]

Hi guys, I thought I'd just post an update.

So, I filed for divorce, we currently not talking too much, he just makes sure if me and our son need anything. They moved in together and seem to be happy. There's ups and downs but I'm doing well, I've got a whole lot of support. I let him to see our son as much as he wants.

 

Thanks for the update. I am glad to hear you are moving forward and putting this behind you.

 

There is a new life waiting ahead for you. Here is a saying by Athol Kay that I really think applies well here -

 

"it is easier to give birth than it is to resurrect the dead."

 

I think this applies well here. I think any time and energy spent trying to save the marriage would have been wasted. where as the time and energy spent moving forward will in time be well spent and you will be glad you didn't burn up any more time.

 

I wish you well on your journey forward :-)

[she26]

Thank You all, it means a lot.

When I look at our little boy, it gives me the strength to fight. We need to make sure he won't get hurt and hopefully this will cause no damage to him. I don't want to separate him from his father as he needs him. They both need each other. I don't hate him... I can't hate him.

 

And yes, I really want to move forward and put this behind. Saving the marriage is the last thing I want as there's nothing to save. I was wondering if I'd be able to actually give him another chance and surprisingly, yes... But I wouldn't be able to love him as before and trust him again, I would never erase the thought of him being with another woman and betraying me. That's why I think a divorce is the best thing.

[l8estnews]

And yes, I really want to move forward and put this behind. Saving the marriage is the last thing I want as there's nothing to save. I was wondering if I'd be able to actually give him another chance and surprisingly, yes... But I wouldn't be able to love him as before and trust him again, I would never erase the thought of him being with another woman and betraying me. That's why I think a divorce is the best thing.

 

But, honey, he didn't ask for a chance since he really want this to happen. That's the main reason why there's nothing to save. Like a poster here said, he's emotionally checked out. And if we go even further, in his mind, you are the other woman.

 

Again, forget this thing. Find a man who'll make you his first and only choice.

[Oberfeldwebel]

Thank You all, it means a lot.

When I look at our little boy, it gives me the strength to fight. We need to make sure he won't get hurt and hopefully this will cause no damage to him. I don't want to separate him from his father as he needs him. They both need each other. I don't hate him... I can't hate him.

 

And yes, I really want to move forward and put this behind. Saving the marriage is the last thing I want as there's nothing to save. I was wondering if I'd be able to actually give him another chance and surprisingly, yes... But I wouldn't be able to love him as before and trust him again, I would never erase the thought of him being with another woman and betraying me. That's why I think a divorce is the best thing.

 

You have just saved yourself hundreds of dollars in therapy and stress by coming to these conclusions. You are miles ahead of most folks at this period. There will still be emotions that pop up from time to time, this is perfectly normal.