FaithInTheDark Posted July 27, 2016 Posted July 27, 2016 (edited) In a comlipcated way of leading up to this discussion.... I straight up asked my boyfriend if he was phiscally attracted to me..... He's said " yes but not head over heels... im more attracted to your inner qualities".... Immediately this hurt my feelings because it made me think I wasn't beautiful... And created a huge loss of self esteem. I then directly asked him if he would be more inclined to have sex more often if I was a thinner person. He's said it might be a possibility but I would most likely feel better about myself. Again... I felt emese rush of pain.... How I assess this was A-I asked him a honest question and he answered honestly... B- the reason I felt so hurt after was because maybe I have more self esteem issues then I realized and not feeling beautiful is how I look at myself.. C- my bf might be a soundboard towards these questions and just reflecting answers and I need to not internalize this so deeply Him and I had a break from each other and saw each other for the first time in three weeks ... The subject was brought up again... He's said that he is attracted to me but is more in love with my inner beauty and all the qualities as a girl.... He's doesn't just look at me as just a girl to sleep with but really cares about me... He's also said that were heading into a year together so the phase of being all over each other can start to decend a bit.... He mentioned that we could start being more active with our hobbies I always thought my weight wasn't an issue between us but being wondering if I've been kidding myself this whole time. Again I felt super sad.... I can't help but automatically feel unnattracive.... I respect all the reasons he loves me nut I guess I believe the negative more then positive... Because im not a skinny girl. He's saw how sad I looked and told me how much he loves me and thinks I am beautiful. I understand I need to work on my physical and mental health before anything... And if I look at myself was unattractive I should make the effect to get fit to build self confidence but every time I think about this subject him and I discussed I feel really sad. Do people think I should look at this in a positive light and be happy and guy loves me for me and not appearence or can people understand I have the right to be hurt? Edited July 27, 2016 by FaithInTheDark
bachdude Posted July 27, 2016 Posted July 27, 2016 Well, I will just say this as a guy. A woman's inner beauty makes or breaks the outer beauty. A stereotypical model type will look much less beautiful than an average looking woman if the model type lacks a beautiful heart. And an average looking woman will suddenly be far more beautiful than the model with a beautiful soul. The two go hand in hand for me. I wonder if it is the same for your boyfriend. He loves you and is attracted to you and finds you beautiful. Outer looks fade anyway and his love for your inner beauty can last a lifetime. 8
JuneJulySeptember Posted July 27, 2016 Posted July 27, 2016 (edited) I would say pretty much every woman that I've ever dated and probably every woman that has ever been attracted to me has not been into my looks and has been attracted to me for my 'inner'. One came right out and said it and another implied it. It used to really bother me, but you know what? Life is short. Let's say I lost an eye and half of my face was burned. Then, it would really be the case that nobody would be physically attracted to me and not just in my head. Some people kill themselves over stuff like that. Not me. It's what is inside that counts. That said, I would NEVER tell a girlfriend I was not (or not that much) physically attracted to her. I'd say "Yea, I think you're attractive." and leave it at that. I'm smarter than that. Hopefully, in the future, your boyfriend will be too. I also would never ask my girlfriend something like "How handsome do you think I am?". The answer probably won't be great and I don't care any way. P.S. I also do understand how this sort of thing is WAY more difficult for a woman to accept. But, it is my opinion we should all be less concerned with beauty. Edited July 27, 2016 by JuneJulySeptember 2
GunslingerRoland Posted July 27, 2016 Posted July 27, 2016 I'm not sure what to think about this, clearly it sounds like you know you are not attractive whether it's because of your weight or other reasons. It also sounds like you had suspicions that he isn't as physically attracted to you, as you would like. But instead of being happy with the fact he likes you for you, you kept pushing, and got him to admit what you already knew... you can be hurt, but how can you be mad at him? Are you mad that he was honest, or are you mad at him for not finding you more attractive? Is either reasonable? There is probably a good chance this will ruin your relationship, and it's understandable. But at the same time it should have been avoidable.
bachdude Posted July 27, 2016 Posted July 27, 2016 I'm not sure what to think about this, clearly it sounds like you know you are not attractive whether it's because of your weight or other reasons. It also sounds like you had suspicions that he isn't as physically attracted to you, as you would like. But instead of being happy with the fact he likes you for you, you kept pushing, and got him to admit what you already knew... you can be hurt, but how can you be mad at him? Are you mad that he was honest, or are you mad at him for not finding you more attractive? Is either reasonable? There is probably a good chance this will ruin your relationship, and it's understandable. But at the same time it should have been avoidable. Gads, could you be any more negative??? What the h$#? 1
introverted1 Posted July 27, 2016 Posted July 27, 2016 I don't see anything wrong with the response your bf gave you. He was honest without being unkind. And, as others have mentioned, inner beauty is the only beauty that lasts -- no matter how attractive a person is, age and illness will take their tolls at some point. That said, it also seems you are self-conscious about your weight. If it will make you feel better, why not work on getting into shape? It might improve your self-esteem, which in turn will improve your relationship and outlook. Note that I am not suggesting weight loss as something you do for your bf but as something you do for you. 6
Author FaithInTheDark Posted July 27, 2016 Author Posted July 27, 2016 The subject came up for very personal reasons....problems in the bedroom and he's used every excuse in the book so I finally asked if it was my appearance that is an issue. Not that I already know in unattractive... Haha I can send you a picture of myself... (not that I actually will because that's weird but more knowing I have attractive attributes but not a thin woman )
Gaeta Posted July 27, 2016 Posted July 27, 2016 Honey, he love you, period. When I met my ex-husband I was 135-lbs. After marrying and having our daughter I was a big 210-lbs. My ex-husband always told me he loved me the way I was but I am not stupid, I knew I was more attractive to him at 135-lbs! Can I blame him for finding me more attractive at 135-lbs! Lets stop kidding ourselves. Your boyfriend LOVES you but he would find you more physically attractive with a little less weight on. There is nothing off putting and nothing cruel on his part. So my suggestion to you is to get in weight loss support group and lose enough weight to feel sexy again. I did it, I got my waste back and my life back. Took me 1 year, it was hard but the results was worth all of the pain and effort. 7
Weezy1973 Posted July 27, 2016 Posted July 27, 2016 Men aren't nearly as complicated as women. If he gets an erection and initiates sex with you, he's attracted to you. Whether it's for inner beauty or outer beauty is irrelevant.
CryForNoOne Posted July 27, 2016 Posted July 27, 2016 Sounds to me like your boyfriend is a keeper. You can't ask for much more than being supportive and honest and he seems to be both. I think you are very insecure about your weight. If you are a woman in her 20's or even 30's, that's totally normal. It's really hard to love somebody else if you don't love yourself first. I suggest for your relationship with him and your own sanity, you work on this issue. Either lose weight or accept yourself for who you are - or maybe a bit of both. This becomes easier as you get older and is very very common. So you're not alone. 2
I Just Wanna b Happy Posted July 27, 2016 Posted July 27, 2016 Do yourself a favor and lose some weight. "Inner beauty" is fine until someone with "outer beauty" comes along. Then the "inner beauty" woman gets the boot. Trust me. After my divorce I dated a very pretty woman that had a few extra pounds. Was approached by a fit woman at the gym who wasn't nearly as pretty as the woman I was with. However, I couldn't stop thinking about how fantastic this woman's body was. I eventually started messing with the fit chick and pushed the heavy one to the curb. I felt bad but was reminded by every male I told the story to that I did the right thing. Hit the gym before it's too late..
MightyPen Posted July 27, 2016 Posted July 27, 2016 I give him credit for his honesty. I hope you do too. To be blunt, advertisers tell everyone woman, "You are beautiful." But that's simply not true, at least in terms of classical terms of physical beauty. They lie to women to pump up their self esteem. Yes, "beautiful" can mean many things to many people, but its WAY overused. It's like tossing around a term like brilliant. Would you tell a moderately intelligent person, "Oh you are SO brilliant!"? Of course not. So really you were asking your boyfriend "am I super physically attractive?" (And as you know, most people don't meet that standard. It's a ridiculously high standard). You don't see advertisers saying to men, "You are handsome! No matter what! You go boy! Whether you have a beer belly, or a combover, or back hair, you just rock it!" We don't get that (false) praise, and guess what, it's okay. Everyone brings something to the table, and looks are definitely a part, but ultimately it's about the entire package and whether you are compatible with another person. 4
Author FaithInTheDark Posted July 27, 2016 Author Posted July 27, 2016 Do yourself a favor and lose some weight. "Inner beauty" is fine until someone with "outer beauty" comes along. Then the "inner beauty" woman gets the boot. Trust me. After my divorce I dated a very pretty woman that had a few extra pounds. Was approached by a fit woman at the gym who wasn't nearly as pretty as the woman I was with. However, I couldn't stop thinking about how fantastic this woman's body was. I eventually started messing with the fit chick and pushed the heavy one to the curb. I felt bad but was reminded by every male I told the story to that I did the right thing. Hit the gym before it's too late.. Lol maybe that's why you're divorced 9
Dis Posted July 27, 2016 Posted July 27, 2016 I have to agree with both sides of this debate Inner beauty is a big component of attraction. I could go out with a male model....but if he was dumb and arrogant...I'd rather pic the average looking guy with a good heart and depth However....we need physical attraction in relationships...even long term relationships...if that physical attraction starts to wane...the passion dies down and thats the beginning of the end Like Gaeta said, get yourself in shape. Lose some weight. Theres really no reason why you shouldnt be the best version of yourself....that includes your physical self. Your bf can be in love with your inner self all he wants...but if hes not also in love with your outer self...I cant really see it lasting too long I'm a huge advocate of exercise for women (men too) but cardio will help you lose weight. I maintain my weight by going to the gym and doing lots of cardio. Its amazing what exercise can do. Hun, you dont feel good about yourself...so its time to change that. If you're overweight can you blame your bf for saying he's not that physically attracted to you? Time to be proactive hun...get to the gym and start a diet...you'll feel better about yourself and the bonus is your bf will lust after you like you want him to 1
JewelD Posted July 27, 2016 Posted July 27, 2016 My best friend told me a very similar story last night, about how her bf says he loves her personality, she's just missing the hot body. I don't agree with what everyone else is saying, it's bs. I wouldn't date someone I was not attracted to physically in the hopes that they lose weight. If you're not satisfied with the way your partner looks when you decided to be with them, you shouldn't be dating them. Kudos for him for being honest, doesn't make the situation any better. You obviously want a man who IS head over heels for you physically and I think everyone deserves that. Who tf wants a partner who looks at them as just "meh"? and what happens if you lose the weight and he's still not that into you physically? Your self esteem has little to do with it as even someone with high self esteem might feel a little crappy finding out their partner doesn't find them hot. I wouldn't want to deal with that, honestly, especially if it's causing strain in the sex aspect of your relationship. Regardless of what you look like, there is ALWAYS someone out there who will find you hot just as you are as well as enjoy your personality. If you want to lose weight, do it because YOU want to, not because you think your bf will like you better for it. 2
Art_Critic Posted July 27, 2016 Posted July 27, 2016 Men aren't nearly as complicated as women. If he gets an erection and initiates sex with you, he's attracted to you. Whether it's for inner beauty or outer beauty is irrelevant. I agree with this given the amount of info we have from the OP.. I have NEVER been able to get an erection and have sex with a woman unless I was attracted to her body.. any other girl left Mr Wiggles soft... Maybe he isn't happy with the sex life or it is something else.. Eff his socks off one night and maybe his view will change...
Vado Posted July 27, 2016 Posted July 27, 2016 Does he wants to sleep with you a lot? If so, he can not only be attracted to your inner, because for most guys looks are the biggest trigger if it comes to sex. As long as there is enough sexual spark, you don't have to worry.
SunnySide0418 Posted July 27, 2016 Posted July 27, 2016 I think it's pretty unfair to expect him to be crazy attracted to your body when you admit to being overweight. He says he IS attracted to you in spite of being overweight which says a lot about him.You're only hurt and sad bc you know it's true. I suggest getting healthier for you to feel better about yourself. He sounds like a great guy but c'mon you can't expect gihim to be wildly attracted to you being overweight. 1
JewelD Posted July 27, 2016 Posted July 27, 2016 seriously, why are people acting like overweight=unattractive? Majority of Americans are overweight and plenty of people are in relationships with people who are attracted to them. Hell, damn near every person on "My 600lb Life" has a husband/wife/gf/bf. Being overweight does not automatically make one unattractive. Just like being thin does not automatically make one attractive. 3
Dis Posted July 27, 2016 Posted July 27, 2016 My best friend told me a very similar story last night, about how her bf says he loves her personality, she's just missing the hot body. I don't agree with what everyone else is saying, it's bs. I wouldn't date someone I was not attracted to physically in the hopes that they lose weight. If you're not satisfied with the way your partner looks when you decided to be with them, you shouldn't be dating them. Kudos for him for being honest, doesn't make the situation any better. You obviously want a man who IS head over heels for you physically and I think everyone deserves that. Who tf wants a partner who looks at them as just "meh"? and what happens if you lose the weight and he's still not that into you physically? Your self esteem has little to do with it as even someone with high self esteem might feel a little crappy finding out their partner doesn't find them hot. I wouldn't want to deal with that, honestly, especially if it's causing strain in the sex aspect of your relationship. Regardless of what you look like, there is ALWAYS someone out there who will find you hot just as you are as well as enjoy your personality. If you want to lose weight, do it because YOU want to, not because you think your bf will like you better for it. I agree with this too So...OP, you have 2 options #1-Loose weight so you can feel better about yourself #2-Find another guy thats attracted to you...as you are I agree with Jewel...I wouldnt want to be with a guy that didnt find me attractive But at the end of the day...I do think getting healthy and fit would be good for you regardless of whether your with this guy or not
frus69 Posted July 27, 2016 Posted July 27, 2016 If I were you I'd hit the gym and get my dream body instead of being sad and moping
SwordofFlame Posted July 27, 2016 Posted July 27, 2016 Where in the post did her bf say she is ugly? I certainly don't see it. Could she be hotter? Yes. Do you expect the guy to lie and tell her she's the hottest woman ever? Are you guys suggesting that OP look for chubby chasers?
JewelD Posted July 27, 2016 Posted July 27, 2016 Where in the post did her bf say she is ugly? I certainly don't see it. Could she be hotter? Yes. Do you expect the guy to lie and tell her she's the hottest woman ever? Are you guys suggesting that OP look for chubby chasers? He made it pretty clear he's not enthralled with her on the physical level. He doesn't have to lie, but she doesn't need to feel 'grateful' because she's overweight and a man likes her personality. Seems to me the attitude of some posters is, "you're overweight, you should take what you can get and be glad he's not lying to you". Would we suggest to a thin woman that she get plastic surgery if her bf wasn't head over heels into her physically? and no, chubby chasers are engaging in fetishism. This might come as a shock, but there are MANY MANY MANY men who are genuinely attracted to plus size women. Keeping that fact in mind, I see no reason she should put up with a man who doesn't make her feel like she's the most beautiful woman in the world. 1
SunnySide0418 Posted July 27, 2016 Posted July 27, 2016 seriously, why are people acting like overweight=unattractive? Majority of Americans are overweight and plenty of people are in relationships with people who are attracted to them. Hell, damn near every person on "My 600lb Life" has a husband/wife/gf/bf. Being overweight does not automatically make one unattractive. Just like being thin does not automatically make one attractive. Ong, he says he's attracted to her just not great over heels. And have you seen the bf/gf odd those overweight people you speak of? Let's just say typically like attracts like ..
pteromom Posted July 27, 2016 Posted July 27, 2016 She deserves someone who is head over heels for her as she is now. This would not be ok with me, and I would move on. There are plenty of men who are very attracted to thicker girls. 5
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