A question about your child's surname

[sandylee1]

I'm after your views on this one. Some may have already been in this position and be able to share their experiences.

 

Ladies...

If you had a child and weren't married would you give the child your BFs/Partner's surname?

 

If you later split up, would you want to change the surname to yours?

 

Guys .....

 

Would you expect the child to have your surname?

 

Would you be happy for the child to have your GFs/partner's surname if that's what she wanted, because you weren't married?

 

 

I've been having some discussions about this recently (not regarding my own kids, as I'm married) and it seems to be a very sore point, especially where the woman was expecting they'd get married and now finds her Ex is gone and she has a different surname to her child/children.

 

Double barrelled seems to be a solution, but some don't like it.

[jen1447]

Ladies...

If you had a child and weren't married would you give the child your BFs/Partner's surname?

 

I don't think so. I'm not much for pointless customs and prefer common sense, and it seems like if they came out of my vagina they should be named after me. I'm sure I'd be more inclined to tradition if I was married, tho that's not in my future. (And neither is childbearing.)

 

If you later split up, would you want to change the surname to yours?

 

Eh, if they started out as one thing I'd just as soon keep it that way unless they had some real desire of their own otherwise.

[pteromom]

An unmarried woman gives the child HER surname - unless it is a situation where a couple are unmarried because they both don't believe in marriage.

[misspond]

As an unmarried woman who was in a relationship with the father of our children for 10 years, I did the work so they have his name.

[basil67]

We are unmarried by choice. The kids have their father's surname.

 

It kinda bugged me having a different name to them, so I had my surname legally changed so that we're all the same.

[GunslingerRoland]

I don't know if there is a right answer to this question. My parents weren't married and so I got my Mom's last name. But then she married someone else, divorced and remarried. So for most of my life I had a last name that matched neither of my parents. I know other kids in similar situations where they changed their name when their mother married and had to change it back when they divorced.

[PegNosePete]

My sister's kid has the father's name, simply because our surname is a bit of a mouthful and we always have to spell it out to people on the phone etc. Her partner has an ordinary name so they chose to give that to the kid.

[sandylee1]

As an unmarried woman who was in a relationship with the father of our children for 10 years, I did the work so they have his name.

 

I don't understand what you mean by saying you did the work so they have his name.

[sandylee1]

I don't know if there is a right answer to this question. My parents weren't married and so I got my Mom's last name. But then she married someone else, divorced and remarried. So for most of my life I had a last name that matched neither of my parents. I know other kids in similar situations where they changed their name when their mother married and had to change it back when they divorced.

 

 

I see what you mean.

 

I guess it's more difficult for some women to deal with actually being in a relationship with the child's father and having a different surname.

 

Some have changed it by deed poll, but that doesn't suit everyone.

[Art_Critic]

I believe in my state if the Father is on the birth certificate and a paternity acknowledgement is signed by both parties and they are not married then it has to be the Fathers last name, if not then it has to be the Mothers last name.

[The_Onceler]

We opted to use both, though their mother was insistent that we NOT hyphenate, so many people assume that their mother's surname is their middle name. It looks something like this:

 

She: Jane Doe

Me: Sam Smith

 

Kid: Lucy Lou Doe Smith

 

 

 

In order to take on my role as a father, I moved across country, changed jobs, and took on all of our combined financial burden (their mother had no savings, had left her job, and had thousands in credit card and student loan debt). If I was going to do all of that, then the kids were damned well gonna have my surname SOMEWHERE.

[OneLov]

I think it is important to look at why children traditionally inherited the father's last name: According to Satoshi Kanazawa,

 

 

"Patrilineal inheritance of family names is another social institution that emerged to convince the fathers of their paternity, by saying (if social institutions have a vocal cord) “The baby’s really yours, because it has your last name!” Russians take it one step further, by giving their children – both their sons and daughters – middle and last names after the father.

Fathers are therefore expected to invest more heavily in children who bear their last names than children who bear the mother’s last names, because they are more likely to be convinced of their paternity. As a result, ceteris paribus,children who inherit their last names from their fathers are expected to be more likely to survive and thrive than children who inherit their last names from their mothers."

 

 

IMO, it is a personal choice. If the women wishes for the male to invest more in the child, then she is more likely to achieve this by giving the child his last name. Are there fathers who invest in children that do not have their last name? Sure. Are there fathers who do not invest in child that have their last name? Unfortunately, yes. But as a child whose step-dad did not invest a fraction of the emotional and financial resources in him as he did his own daughter, name the child after the person who is most likely going to invest in his/her future.

 

 

*** Interesting side note:

 

"Yet it’s interesting that traditionally, the man shows his commitment to the child by giving his name, while the woman shows that same commitment by giving up her own. Why are so many men still so attached to their last names?" Carol Lloyd

 

Source: Why Kids Inherit Dad?s Last Name Instead of Mom?s ? You Might Not Have Considered the Reasons Before | TheBlaze.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[mrs rubble]

My 2 sons have different fathers. I married my younger sons dad and took his name. Both sons have their fathers surname. Since I split with my ex-husband, I have reverted to my maiden name. So we now all have different names.

I'm keeping my maiden name when I get married next year too, mainly because I don't want to change names on my lisence, banks, cars etc and my first name is fairly long and so is his surname, so I'd rather have my short surname.

[kailah]

I'm pregnant from a one night stand. We haven't talked about it yet and I'm sure it will be an issue, but at this moment I want to use my last name.

 

Mostly because I don't know if he will stick around and I don't want my child to have a name of a man who isn't even in his life. I also don't want to have a different last name than my child. Though, if I ever marry and change my last name I would. Unless of course I change the child's last name too, if the dad isn't in the picture.

 

But it will likely be a battle and there may be some compromising. Legally, here, if the parents don't agree the name is hyphenated in alphabetical order.

[todreaminblue]

i have two different fathers in regards to my children...they both have the surnames of their fathers..both times i was engaged to be married...but broke up due to infidelity...

 

as i intended to marry ....the last name thing was a given.....i am traditional...i have not changed their names...my last name was changed by deed poll after i was born.......to the last name of my step father..i didnt find out until i was sixteen that he wasnt my real father and the name on my birth certificate was different..deb

[Penguin_hugs]

My parents were married, so I have my dad's surname. When they divorced- my great nan was absolutely horrified that my mum didn't go back to her maiden name and told me that I should change my name to my mum's maiden name too. Neither of us changed. My mum is still Mrs B- she likes it and she was married for nearly 20 years.

 

My dad remarried- but my step mother has never changed her surname- she believes that my mum is Mrs B and she remains Mrs K- the same as her children. That name is from her first marriage- and my dad is her third husband.

 

It gets a bit complicated!

[sandylee1]

I think it is important to look at why children traditionally inherited the father's last name: According to Satoshi Kanazawa,

 

 

"Patrilineal inheritance of family names is another social institution that emerged to convince the fathers of their paternity, by saying (if social institutions have a vocal cord) “The baby’s really yours, because it has your last name!” Russians take it one step further, by giving their children – both their sons and daughters – middle and last names after the father.

Fathers are therefore expected to invest more heavily in children who bear their last names than children who bear the mother’s last names, because they are more likely to be convinced of their paternity. As a result, ceteris paribus,children who inherit their last names from their fathers are expected to be more likely to survive and thrive than children who inherit their last names from their mothers."

 

 

IMO, it is a personal choice. If the women wishes for the male to invest more in the child, then she is more likely to achieve this by giving the child his last name. Are there fathers who invest in children that do not have their last name? Sure. Are there fathers who do not invest in child that have their last name? Unfortunately, yes. But as a child whose step-dad did not invest a fraction of the emotional and financial resources in him as he did his own daughter, name the child after the person who is most likely going to invest in his/her future.

 

 

*** Interesting side note:

 

"Yet it’s interesting that traditionally, the man shows his commitment to the child by giving his name, while the woman shows that same commitment by giving up her own. Why are so many men still so attached to their last names?" Carol Lloyd

 

Source: Why Kids Inherit Dad?s Last Name Instead of Mom?s ? You Might Not Have Considered the Reasons Before | TheBlaze.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Interesting views.

 

I guess if the dad is so invested in the child, he should invest in the child's mother too by making it legal.

[sandylee1]

We opted to use both, though their mother was insistent that we NOT hyphenate, so many people assume that their mother's surname is their middle name. It looks something like this:

 

She: Jane Doe

Me: Sam Smith

 

Kid: Lucy Lou Doe Smith

 

 

 

In order to take on my role as a father, I moved across country, changed jobs, and took on all of our combined financial burden (their mother had no savings, had left her job, and had thousands in credit card and student loan debt). If I was going to do all of that, then the kids were damned well gonna have my surname SOMEWHERE.

 

Yes indeed. You have made major changes to be in their lives, but I guess to be hands on you both needed to be in the same city somehow.

 

Surnames are interesting with non married parents. Lots of combinations.

 

But would your child know the surname as as Doe Smith? Would it appear this way on the school register for example?

[Bialy]

Ladies...

If you had a child and weren't married would you give the child your BFs/Partner's surname?

 

If you later split up, would you want to change the surname to yours?

 

 

If I was unmarried, the child would have my last name.

[AMJ]

My friend named her daughter with the father's last name. They never got married. Now she's married to someone else, and just had a baby with him. Her daughter is old enough to feel very left out, as she'll be the only one in her family with a different last name.

Mom is giving her the option to change her name. It's just sad all around. Dad is still in the picture, Mom is trying to drive him away. I think she wanted to use his name to help her case for child support, to be honest. That seems to be all she cares about.

 

I really don't want to have kids with someone that I'm not going to marry. If I were in that situation though, and I knew the dad was going to stay in the picture, maybe I'd give the baby both of our names.

[Springsummer]

A guy I pay attention to has two surnames....so I can safely assume his mother didn't marry his father?

I feel sorry for him now.

[Methodical]

Personally, my child would take my last name.

 

The laws can get really screwy on surnames. For instance, my sister had been divorced for several years, met a guy and they had a child. Because they were not married at the time, the hospital insisted that her child take her ex's surname, although the child's father was listed on the birth certificate and that was the surname she wanted their child to have. She called me in tears and I went to the hospital. After a few words were exchanged, the hospital saw things differently and complied with my sister and her (now) husband's wishes.

[sandylee1]

Personally, my child would take my last name.

 

The laws can get really screwy on surnames. For instance, my sister had been divorced for several years, met a guy and they had a child. Because they were not married at the time, the hospital insisted that her child take her ex's surname, although the child's father was listed on the birth certificate and that was the surname she wanted their child to have. She called me in tears and I went to the hospital. After a few words were exchanged, the hospital saw things differently and complied with my sister and her (now) husband's wishes.[/quote

 

Where I live the hospital has no involvement with the surname you choose.

 

Methodical are you male or female?

[Methodical]

Where I live the hospital has no involvement with the surname you choose.

 

Methodical are you male or female?

 

Female .

[aileD]

I have never been in this situation, so I had to think about it.

 

If I had a kid out of wedlock that kid would have MY last name. If he wants the child to have his last name, he can make a commitment to me through marriage.

 

If he isn't willing to do that after finding out I'm having his baby, then there's a good chance that I will end up marrying someone ELSE someday. When I marry that person, and have custody of my child....both of us would change our last names to the new husband's last name.

 

I just think kids feel it's confusing and embarrassing to have different last names from their parent (that they live with), they don't want to have to explain it, etc.

 

I also feel if I were ever to get divorced I would still keep my married name so that it was the same as my children's (unless I remarried).