day 30 of NC.....will he eventually call or do I give up hope?

[too_risky]

It's now day 30 of NC. Well, I should rephrase that a little. I sent him his stuff in the mail (LDR) and he got it one week ago today. He immediately sent me an email saying thanks for sending it etc etc etc. It was a nice email and kinda funny and light hearted. He also said at the end "I still love you". Long story short, I went through alot the past year and needed to sort some things out so I took a break from the relationship for 2 weeks just to clear my head. At the time he thought things might be over between us and we had NC for the whole 2 weeks. I called him, we started talking again. I never explained the "break", he never asked why. A few weeks later he tells me "someone is interested in him". We had been together for 3 years. I did the usual beg, plead, cry etc and finally gave up and walked away. That was on May 31st. Other than me sending him the stuff and his email last thursday we haven't talked in any form. I want him back. No question in my mind. I haven't responded to the email. I have continued with NC of any form whatsoever. He didn't say anything in the email for me to respond to so I didn't see a need to write back. My question is, was this a bad idea? Should I keep up with the NC? I know as of May 31st he was still dating the girl he met (he had only been dating her for a month at the time). I'm assuming he's still with her now. How long do you go NC before you give up hoping? Do some ex's eventually call cause they fear they lost you? any advice?

[Zaira]

What is wrong with letting him know how you feel? You broke it off, you haven't had any contact with him - so maybe he feels like you don't have those feelings for him anymore and he's trying to move on with his life.

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

You did the right thing by not responding to his email. He has not contacted you except to tell you that he "got back the stuff you sent".

 

This is the same guy who left you at the airport, alone in a strange city all night. I hardly think he really feels that degree of concern for you now. I know, it's so hard to accept, it hurts so much. And if I was in your place, I too would have been wondering whether this was my last chance to contact him.

 

But please, ignore that feeling. Because you know that if you do contact him to tell him how you feel, he will - a) listen to you b) tell you that he "still loves you", but he's already in another relationship, and c) hang up.

 

The reason why his email was animated, and he says that he still loves you, is because he feels guilty. He is trying to get over his guilt of leaving you and going with someone else, by being "nice" to you. Actually, I think that he was already attracted to this woman before you went on NC for two weeks.

 

I've also seen that when people are ready to embark on another relationship, the current one is as good as finished. And once a person's mind moves away from you, it's nearly impossible to get back to where you were before. But he still thinks well of you, and he does feel guilty that he's having a good time currently while knowing that you're not. That explains his nicety.

 

I don't know if people do contact after NC - I'm still waiting myself! I honestly don't know, in my case, he has NOT contacted me even once, it's been six weeks. And I'm slowly beginning to think he won't, ever.

It might be different in your case, however - he might contact you - can't say for what reason, though. But whatever it is, whether he does or does not contact you - let him make the first move. That way you will ensure that you're always making the right move, the ball is always in his court. That's the approach I'm taking too.

 

Remember, you were the one who once told me that every day is a new challenge, and we have to somehow keep our dignity intact. And so, let's keep our faith in ourselves!

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by too_risky

How long do you go NC before you give up hoping? Do some ex's eventually call cause they fear they lost you? any advice?

 

I think the point of NC is to move on. My personal experience is that they always want to come back at some point, but this is not everyone's experience - depends on specifics.

 

It usually takes a while though. 6 months to 1 year is typical. Actually they always try to come back after I'm over them. Go figure...

 

It may be that he had his eye on this girl already, but it may also be that he took the advice routinely given on this site - if she wants a break, she really wants a break-up, but doesn't have the courage for it yet.

 

Whatever, you have to let this thing with the girl run its course. In 3 months or so, find an excuse to send a short but friendly email, so he knows the door is still open. In the meantime, get on with your life...

[too_risky]

Thank you all so much for the advice. I still haven't responded and hadn't really planned to. I just needed reassurance. He is the one who left me at the airport. I hurt him too in alot of ways. I know the ball is in his court, I just wasn't sure how to go about making sure he knew the door was still open. He also wrote to a mutual friend of ours a week or so ago telling her that he wanted to get financially able to take care of me by getting his new business going. He never said any of that to me. He told her that he loved me. I do have courage, I do make it through the challenges of each day. Today was a good day, I didn't cry for the first time in 2 months. I know if it was meant to be, it will be. I just don't want to be that fool waiting around for something that's never gonna happen. I was just curious if anybody else's ex eventually contacted them even after a bad break up. Just looking for a shread of hope I suppose.

[strange love]

**** im tired of all the sob stories on here

 

especially mine

 

But on the other hand I always have some good advice

 

Listen your whole thing is kind of ****ed up

 

Hes over there

 

Your god knows where. Honestly what do u expect to happen, LDRs are hard enough.

I dont even know why people get into them, probably for fear of commitment.

 

 

And in saying that one of you has to make some solid moves, you or him.

You can sit and wait forever, or take action. I mean hello he said he loves you.

Do I honestly have to spell it out

 

Guys dont usually do or say certain things one is I love u ..ok. I know im a mixture of all the bad guys and good guys that have been written about on the site.

 

Now he told u, "someone is interested in me" did he say I met someone, did he say iminterested in them too. Listen I have people interested in me doesnt mean im going to run off with them, especially gay guys thanks but no thanks.. tempting sometimes though wink wink

 

Write him an email, keep it light.. a simple how are you or what ever u like dont get heavy.

 

Toss the ****ing NC ok..

 

theres my advice

.

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by too_risky

I was just curious if anybody else's ex eventually contacted them even after a bad break up. Just looking for a shread of hope I suppose.

 

Yes, but if the break-up was bad, they usually need a little encouragement. Find a pretext to send him a casual email one time. As strange says, keep it light - sends a message that the door might be open, helps them pluck up courage.

[too_risky]

Thanks for the advice. I did try to let him know the door was still open. When I found out that things might be over between us, I flew down there right away to try and clear things up. It didn't help. It only left both of us more confused. When he said "someone is interested in me" I think it was to let me down easy. He is still dating this girl. He told me so when I flew down there on May 31st. He said he didn't love her and that they weren't exclusive but nonetheless, he was still dating her so yes, he is obviously interested in her too. I did find a reason to contact him after a month of NC. I sent him some things that I had of his along with a light hearted note. The things I sent were mixed with things that would remind him of "us" that I had bought. At the end of my note I wrote "I love you 100% unconditionally. No matter what you do, no matter what you choose. I will love you still. That day he sent me the email back and at the end it said "I still love you too". In his email to our mutual friend he said that he wanted to get his business successful in order to take care of me. But, he also said he wanted the best for me and wanted me to be happy either with someone else or maybe in time with him. What the f*** does "in time" supposed to mean? I dont know how to take that. Does it mean "after I'm done with this new relationship?" or does it mean "after I'm done hurting and punishing her for hurting me?"

 

I am also finishing school and won't graduate until May 2006 (I'm not a young pup tho, I'm 35, he's 32. I'm just a late bloomer for college). He said that school is most important and he knew I had to finish that before I could do anything with my life. UUuuuggghhh. I'm trying to be patient and let him come to me, let him sort his feelings out if he wants someone else or not. I dont' want to push him any further away but I also don't want to loose him. I'm soo confused and lost. Now that you know more of the story, any new tips?

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by too_risky

Now that you know more of the story, any new tips?

 

Flying down to see him is NOT keeping it light IMO.

 

OK, I think he knows the door would be open. In fact, maybe he's too sure of that. My advice is to maintain NC and get on with the rest of your life. The ball is firmly in his court now.

[VirginiaBob]

"Long story short, I went through alot the past year and needed to sort some things out so I took a break from the relationship for 2 weeks just to clear my head."

 

I kind of think of a relationship as a trial marriage and if you decided to take a break for 2 weeks in a marriage, that would just be f***ed up. So he probably thought the same thing "she is not marriage material, I should look elsewhere", and did.

[Jeannie]

Is he really dating someone else or just saying that to ruffle your feathers? To get his attention - stop all contact - sit tight and wait (but don't sit around staring at the phone - stay busy with hobbies/work, etc.).

 

You want him to come back to you - this way you'll know he wants to be with you. If he's dating someone else he doesn't really want to be with you or he'd put more effort into being with you!

[too_risky]

Thanks for your advice Jeannie. I have been trying to "sit tight". As I said, he sent me an email after he got his stuff and at the end it said "i still love you". I'm not sure he is dating someone, I think he is but who knows. If he's not, why would he blow me off so much? This man worshipped the ground I walked on. To clear things up, the "break" I took for 2 weeks was because I had cancer and he didn't know about it. I had to sort myself and my feelings about it before I could explain it or deal with it with someone else. I'm sure he was expecting me to respond to his email. Normally, I would have. But, I didn't. It's been so hard. Every day I think of something I should write or respond with. I feel like I'm the one who took him for granted and didn't let him know how much I loved him and pushed him away. He finally got sick of me and gave up on me and started dating. I have done everything I know to try to show him I love him but nothing has worked. I don't know if I should keep trying to prove myself or to give it time and "sit and wait" as you say. I think sometimes in my mind that if I quit trying, he will think "well, she only said all of those things to get me back cause she knew she lost me and I was with someone else" and if I quit, he'll think I didn't mean those things. I also think, like you said, if he wanted me back he would put effort into it. But what if he's afraid now? What if he's waiting to see if I'm sincere? Any advice on that one?

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by too_risky

I also think, like you said, if he wanted me back he would put effort into it. But what if he's afraid now? What if he's waiting to see if I'm sincere? Any advice on that one?

 

I think this is the key - if he wanted you back, he would put effort into it.

 

Lost romances usually make us re-examine our behaviour. And this is a good thing - I definitely think you made a mistake with the break and not sharing the cancer with him in the first place.

 

But you know, we're human. We make mistakes. An important part of love is loving someone enough to get past the mistakes - "love is patient, kind and keeps no record of wrongs".