book for ow/mow

[norudder]

Wondering if others have read "When Good People Have Affairs"? I thought it was a good resource even as an OW in an affair because it gives you insight to what your MM may be thinking/dealing with and honestly, should support your decision to not be in the affair.

 

I was a MOW in an affair and ended up divorcing, this book was helpful even after the fact. I didnt like how the book recommended not disclosing, and made an attempt at weighing out OW vs BS because I think the M should be evaluated on its own, even if the OW has shown you what may be missing from it, but it did encourage introspection. The most beneficial insight to OW though is to see just how many types of affairs there could be and what purpose they serve and to come to terms with the fact that it is hardly ever (*with rare exceptions*) actually about you as person and your relationship. The affair relationship is a catalyst for the married person. Whether you can have a relationship outside of that is a completely separate issue. I think alot of OW could see their MM in the situations described. It made me sad and a little sick sometimes to see myself as I mayve been through MM's eyes as the affair had two very different purposes for the each of us.

[ladydesigner]

I am a fMow and have heard a lot about this book. I will check it out. My A was a RA (still an A though I am not denying that). I feel A's are a way of coping for the WS, but am very interested to see what this book has to say! I have trouble understanding my WH's A maybe this would give me better insight.

[norudder]

It does address RA. I think revenge/retaliatory affairs are coping as well. Dealing with the first wayward's affair through RA is still a coping mechanism, fueled by anger. RA can be response to other behavior as well, not just an A (a spouses alcoholism, etc), when fueled by anger.

 

My struggle was figuring out if I was coping (poorly) with my ExH's personality, issues in the M by nature of our interpersonal dynamic I was contributing to, inner FOO issues and/or general external life stressors (kids, financial). Lots of sifting! Much more self aware now thanks to lots of therapy. And books...

 

Hope it helps!

[lemondrop21]

Yes, I found this book helpful as an OW although one can never truly know what is going on in the MM's marriage. Kirshenbaum has another book called "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" that I found excellent on its own, for anyone experiencing relationship ambivalence.

[pooldog]

The Chump Lady blog taught me more than anything else about the kind of a cheater so I will never accept this again

[cocorico]

My H found that book (When Good People Have Affairs) very useful during our A. It helped him understand why he had succumbed to an A, and to make sense of the dynamics of his M with the xBW. It motivated him to go to IC, and to leave the M.