Making time for lovemaking

[johan]

But, that does not mean we will stop cooking or exercising, or that the fact we currently have time for those things is further evidence that we dont want sex enough.

 

You want sex, food AND exercise? Sex is exercise. Do it in the kitchen.

 

While it's not a case of mismatched libidos, and we are both content, we want to avoid falling into a trap of being too complacent, and letting things slide. Bad idea. Because one day one partner will suddenly feel unfulfilled.

 

I hope in your search for the solution to this problem, you don't make the mistake of putting pressure on your sex life. There must be a balance between what you think you should be doing and what comes naturally. If you make to big a deal out of this, it might not work out any better than if you just allowed things to run their course. I'm going through this right now in my relationship.

 

Make sure that it isn't insecurity that is making you wonder if you're doing it enough. As if not having sex as often as you used to means that your love has waned. I'm sure your love is much more mature now. Life is what it is, and you're the same people you were. If you had more time to just be together with nothing else going on, you'd be naked soon enough. At least from the waist down.

[Thinkalot]

Originally posted by johan

 

Make sure that it isn't insecurity that is making you wonder if you're doing it enough. As if not having sex as often as you used to means that your love has waned.

 

Good point. I dont think our love has waned, but i do perhaps believe other people or stats when they reveal how often the "average" (whatever the hell that is) couple has sex...if we dont match up, I think...why not?

Or else I worry that it will become something which is a problem down the track, and lead to a lack of overall relationship satisfaction.

 

It's also true that placing too much pressure on anything isnt going to fix it. I will keep that in mind. Thanks.

Letting things run their course is what we've been doing- but lately we've both noticed and said "hey- shouldn't we try and do something about this".

 

 

If you had more time to just be together with nothing else going on, you'd be naked soon enough. At least from the waist down.

 

lol- true enough!

 

I just sometimes think, if we have trouble finding time as often as we'd both like, now- how will it be when kids come along?

[RecordProducer]

As often as you have sex right now, kids won't come so soon!

 

Just kiddiiiiiiiiiiiiiing!

[johan]

Originally posted by Thinkalot

Good point. I dont think our love has waned, but i do perhaps believe other people or stats when they reveal how often the "average" (whatever the hell that is) couple has sex...if we dont match up, I think...why not?

Or else I worry that it will become something which is a problem down the track, and lead to a lack of overall relationship satisfaction.

I think those statistics are no good. I think people have a natural bias toward overestimating their frequency.

 

I think you are putting undue pressure on it. If you actually wanted it more, you wouldn't need any statistics to convince you. You aren't having it because you don't want it. I think it's important to be honest about that. I don't think that's a bad thing, I just think it's a decision you both are making. At least I think so, because you have presented it as if it's pretty equal between you, not as if he's frustrated that you aren't interested or vice versa.

 

Possibly you are worrying that you are taking each other for granted? I guess that's something to watch out for, but it goes farther than the bedroom. Sometimes sex is the canary in the coal mine. But I also think taking each other for granted to a certain extent is one of the underrated benefits of marriage. If it doesn't get out of hand, it's even healthy. Getting married is sort of an agreement to take each other for granted. Married men are happier and live longer partly because things at home are taking care of themselves and there is less to worry about.

 

Originally posted by Thinkalot

It's also true that placing too much pressure on anything isnt going to fix it. I will keep that in mind. Thanks.

Letting things run their course is what we've been doing- but lately we've both noticed and said "hey- shouldn't we try and do something about this".

 

I'd think instead of putting more emphasis on the sex, maybe you could put less emphasis on some other things. RecordProducer sort of has a point. I think the sex would come naturally.

 

Originally posted by Thinkalot

I just sometimes think, if we have trouble finding time as often as we'd both like, now- how will it be when kids come along?

After you have kids you will have less sex for one or more of the following reasons: 1) less time, 2) more fatigue, 3) the little brats will remind you that sex is what caused them, which could be quite a turn off.

[Thinkalot]

Originally posted by johan

I think those statistics are no good. I think people have a natural bias toward overestimating their frequency.

 

probably very true

 

I'd think instead of putting more emphasis on the sex, maybe you could put less emphasis on some other things. RecordProducer sort of has a point. I think the sex would come naturally.

 

 

so where do you draw the line between not placing too much emphasis on it, or worrying about it, to just letting things slide, and being complacent? between what is a natural change and healthy, to what could be considered being in a rut, taking things for granted in a bad way, lacking passion etc

 

There is no denying, we don't have as much free time, we are busier, we are more tired, and we want sex less. I feel it's largely because of the reasons I have just listed, but obviously it's also party due to getting comfy and into a nice pattern together in our marriage, and having less desire than when the relationship was younger.

Perhaps though it's also partly due to taking the other for granted, to not paying enough attention to the relationship, to not making enough effort to keep sex interesting... I have been reflecting on this issue lately, since posting here, and have realised it has to be a combination of all these things, and not just a matter of time, or tiredness.

 

 

As for putting less emphasis on other things, I have also thought about that. There isn't much to be done about changing my husband's work hours...he is slaving away, consolidating our savings, in readiness for us to take a year off with the caravan next april, to travel around australia.

I simply have taken to doing more activities myself, because he is late at work etc

 

I think this whole sex thing concerns me more than it concerns him. I dont miss it, or especially want it more, but then again, I definately feel like we should have more, and more passion and excitement would be nice.

 

At the same time though, just having peace, and no arguments is lovely when that happens. And i 'd take sitting in two armchairs, reading books, with our slippers on in front of the heater, over having a huge argument, followed by hot sex, followed by another argument...any day.

 

It's finding the balance. Right now, I think we could do with shifting ours a bit.

 

 

After you have kids you will have less sex for one or more of the following reasons: 1) less time, 2) more fatigue, 3) the little brats will remind you that sex is what caused them, which could be quite a turn off.

 

[moimeme]

I wouldn't worry too much. April isn't all that far away and then you two'll be at it like a pair of rabbits for the year. That caravan needs good springs

[SexDates]

OP: Based on _what you've said_ I think RecordProducer has continued to hit the nail on the head re your posts. It may be worth your rereading the thread.

 

However, I can't help but be confused about your posts. It seems you're asking some thing but somehow seeking something you did not tell us yet. It seemed to start with having more sex, but is ending with that's not exactly the question, and along the way, just about everything is being done by the both of you except sex. No problem with that, but then you're somehow saying it's a problem, but as well, saying it's not a problem. Huh?

 

On a personal note, I find the whole "I'm too BLAH to have sex" (where BLAH is replaced by your favorite verb, so can be busy, tired, etc) kinds of discussions in total left field. If you both want to, then just do it (I don't think this is easier said than done). If there is really some syncronization problem (he gets home at 3am and you're already asleep, etc) then make the sex date, be willing to be woken up, do it in the morning as soon as you wake up, do it _before_ courting rituals (and who knows, maybe you'll be horny enough to do it twice after you did it and had the ritual!!).

 

It also sounds like you are not even having the courting rituals. Do you go out to a movie? Romantic dinner? Snuggle times? Make out sessions?

 

You (as can he) can also plan a surprise for when he get home (light out, candles all over (but be safe, candles are dangerous if not in correct containers), fav beverage, you in a yummy outfit), etc. Maybe some teasing words, body language, etc.

[Thinkalot]

LOL!

 

The most common joke we hear from our friends right now is that "(thinkalot) will be pregant before the year away is out!"...or, "you'll come back preggers" etc etc

 

and to be honest, if that happens, thats OK. I reckon after the trip we'll be ready...dont want to be too old a mummy (having just turned 32 already)

 

I hope this isnt TMI, but the caravan really does rock! we have to be careful if we are at a busy van park.

[moimeme]

Bah. Festoon the thing with cowbells and keep the whole park up nights

[Thinkalot]

Originally posted by moimeme

Bah. Festoon the thing with cowbells and keep the whole park up nights

 

LOL!

 

could be a new turn on- knowing people are listening?

[Thinkalot]

HI all. Since posting this thread my husband and I have been making more of an effort to create time for sex. Talking about it and focussing on it even seemed to increase desire in the short-term which was good.

 

But we have both come to realise a disturbing fact. Obviously not having regular sex is the result of a combination of things, as people pointed out earlier in this thread- everything from being too busy, too tired (general life demands), to being comfortable, secure, complacent in the marriage, through to lack of desire for other reasons.

 

I thought, honestly, our main hurdle was that our lives had been so busy lately- that, and probably being in a comfy rut, secure and happy.

 

But since then, my husband and I have both come to realise a large part of the problem is that we dont seem to desire sex anymore. Even when there is time.

While this could be seen as no big deal, considering its mutual, and therefore we are continuing to cruise along in a comfortable pattern ofl ife, and it's not like one of us is feeling rejected etc.... we both see it as a really big deal and like something in our marriage which needs healing and which we are both very aware is missing and which we want back!

 

We have gone from having the best sex either of us has ever experienced, to having sex maybe 2 times a month lately. Sometimes less than that. Occassionally more. When we do have sex it is still great. We still find each other physically attractive etc, and often touch and cuddle, so it's not like we've started to feel turned off by the other person or anything.

 

The thing is, we just dont seem to want each other, or feel in the mood much at all. We used to be a very sexual couple (I dont mean just at the start), and I used to feel like a very sexual woman. NOw that's just gone- as though it has been switched off and I cant seem to switch it back on and tap back into it.

My husband, who used to want sex a lot, feels pretty much the same.

 

We've discussed this together and our concern, and we feel sad.

 

We have a theory that this has come as a result of our very bad fighting in the past, as a result of my OCD and obsessive questioning of him etc and also our poor communication skills (which we have been working on and which have since improved), which has caused him to have a build up of frustration and anger, and in fights he has (and occassionally still does) yell, swear, name-call.

WE both feel like we've been trampled on by the other in the past- he feels like my obsessive questions and all the other stuff that has gone with the OCD has been like repeated attacks and I of course have been attacked by him in response,with the things he says in fights getting ugly.

 

Things are better now. My OCD is more under control, our communication skills are better, we are learning how to manage each other's fiesty personalities etc.

But it's like all we've been through has left its mark...and part of that mark has been to put a wedge between us and to suffocate desire and our sexual lilfe.

 

How do we reignite it? Where do we go from here?

We want to make this change but so far we dont know what to do. I have been thinking we need to go back to basics...start with more touching and stroking etc and try and build physical /sexual closeness back??

[johan]

I really think it's a mistake to put pressure on your sex life. You love each other and you're affectionate and those things are the true barometer. You sound like you're choosing to connect emotions to something that doesn't seem to really upset either of you.

 

On the other hand, it's important to care about it. Make time for each other and maintain the affection and respect. Sex will happen all by itself.

[Thinkalot]

Thanks. It's not just me worried about us, it's both of us. It's hard to see this downturn of desire as not being related to emotions etc in some way.

 

I know your view is to let things take their course, but it feels like we've been doing that for a while and the course needs a bit of changing because we both feel bored with it and want some more spark. But actually getting that to happen is the hard part.

 

We both feel let down from time to time also, if we try to initiate and the other isnt into it...

 

we are only just married, we have no kids, our sex life should be more active than this, and we'd both like it to be, and wonder why we aren't just wanting it more anyway.

 

I know i tend to overanalyse things, and think too much lol...but since this time it's not just me feeling/thinking these things, we need to do something...it's just so far we've tried without too much success.

 

We got quite upset about it last night, hence this post today.

[New_Wife]

I can relate to most of what you've written, Thinkalot. I'm relatively newly married myself, and our schedules are hideous for alone time. My hubby works nights, I work days, and weekends are it. Add to that the kids, and poof! No bootie.

 

His desire has slid from once a day to "oh for God's sake". He told me that the sex thing worries him because I seem to want it so much more than him. Which was weird, because I don't really want it that much, I just like to flirt. We had a nice long talk about it (and other things) and came to realize that it'll sort itself out over the course of the rest of our lives.

 

That sounds over simplistic, but in the end - it's just a thing. I don't stress over my bowel movements too much, and they come when they're supposed to. Gross example - but it works really.

 

If you love each other - you're already blessed beyond most. Embrace that. If my husband gets home and I'm awake when he reaches for my hand at night - that makes up for 10 days without sex in a heartbeat. It's that closeness. The intimacy. When he tells me what's on his mind, even if it makes me upset, it makes me feel closer to him because I know what's going on.

 

I think we've been led to believe by movies and TV that truly loving couples are on each other like stink on poop - but the reality is slightly different. I've never loved another the way I do him - but the amount of times we knock boots per week does not define that.

 

I hope my ramble wasn't too weird.

[ThumbingMyWay]

Originally posted by New_Wife

 

If you love each other - you're already blessed beyond most. Embrace that. If my husband gets home and I'm awake when he reaches for my hand at night - that makes up for 10 days without sex in a heartbeat. It's that closeness. The intimacy. When he tells me what's on his mind, even if it makes me upset, it makes me feel closer to him because I know what's going on.

 

 

thats beautiful

[whichwayisup]

How do we reignite it? Where do we go from here?

We want to make this change but so far we dont know what to do. I have been thinking we need to go back to basics...start with more touching and stroking etc and try and build physical /sexual closeness back??

 

Start over in the sense of respect and not crossing the line when it comes to anger. Name calling and being disrespectful has to stop completely. Set boundries up and stick to them, both of you.

 

Make special time to be alone. Go out on dates, pretend you don't know eachother and let him pick you up at a bar. Flirt and be silly.

 

I DO believe all that passion is there, just buried.

[Thinkalot]

Thanks so much all. New Wife..your words did ring true.

 

And this weekend, we sat down calmly and talked about this. We realised it will probably sort itself out, but that also we've probably come to take each other for granted a bit...we've become busy with other things, and felt secure and content, knowing the other person will still be there. Then it becomes a habit not to have sex as much. Then the less you have it, the less you want it etc.

 

Obviously any nasty fighting doesn't exactly help build closeness either, but in talking further we didn't think that was the main part of the problem, just a part.

 

So we concluded, that we simply need to make more time for each other...make our relationship a higher priority again. Then the sex and intimacy will follow. That combined of course, with fighting fair and not being disrespectful etc.

 

We actually talked not about the things that are wrong with us, but all the things that are RIGHT with us...all the things that make our relationship great...and we came to realise we have a lot to be thankful for. We have much in common, we treat each other nicely (MOST of the time these days...still occassionally a BAD fight), and have shared views on finances, housework, kids, travel etc

 

At night we cuddle into each other, and always say I love you and feel secure, and then do the same thing in the morning before we get up.

 

We started to feel so positive and happy about us, it was really a great conversation.

All we need to do now is shift our priorities and make sure we carve out more time, and that's easy done.

 

So, Johan, you are right...all that passion is still there...it was lurking just beneath the surface, just buried under other life stuff, and habit etc.

We uncovered it on the weekend and had a lovely day off together, just being together....surfing , picnic etc. I think we needed to just sit down and talk it through like that...with the focus not on the sex, but just on us.

 

Thanks everyone!

 

P.S. we also realise that being busy and tired IS of course a part of our life too, so sometimes, no matter how connected we are or how much we make time for each other, sex might still not happen as often as we might ideally like