Update of affair turned marriage several years later

[Cabin]

Hi there,

I doubt many of you who are currently posting will remember me or my story. My AP turned husband have been married now for over two years. We have blended our children and created a life together. Several years ago when I began posting here, I was told this would never be. But it is.

 

And it's not perfect. And it's more work with us and four kids! BUT! I love him and what we found illicitly so many years ago has not gone away and was not a mirage.

 

I post this not to suggest that "all affairs" work out. Nor to brag. But simply to remind some people on here that 'some' can and do succeed, and not every story is the same.

[l8estnews]

I am happy that your affair turned out something positive in the end.

[Orchids_07]

Would you mind reading over my thread and giving me your honest opinion. I'm so torn.

Thank you.

[Cabin]

Orchid,

My gut says this is not good for you. Make sure you are receiving the support your child deserves. In your heart of hearts, do you see him shifting everything to be with you two? If not, then you have to make choices that are painful. ☹️

Cabin

[Lady2163]

I don't know your backstory or your husband's.

 

But I'm really glad things turned out well for you!

[ThinkMore]

Thank you for posting this. I know of quite a few situations where exactly that has happened. We don't hear enough about them. There are no hard and fast rules. I think every case should be taken on its own merits with an open mind. Thank you again.

[Cloudcuckoo]

Hi there,

I doubt many of you who are currently posting will remember me or my story. My AP turned husband have been married now for over two years. We have blended our children and created a life together. Several years ago when I began posting here, I was told this would never be. But it is.

 

And it's not perfect. And it's more work with us and four kids! BUT! I love him and what we found illicitly so many years ago has not gone away and was not a mirage.

 

I post this not to suggest that "all affairs" work out. Nor to brag. But simply to remind some people on here that 'some' can and do succeed, and not every story is the same.

 

 

As long as everyone involved (and that's usually quite a lot of people...families friends etc.,) has been able to go forward with a healthy outlook that's terrific news Cabin!

 

As you say, it can't have been easy to get where you are, but tenacity and a willingness to be humble goes a long way to understanding all the dynamics doesn't it?

 

Long may it continue to be all you'd hoped for and believed in.

 

Cuckoo

[DKT3]

In one of the many support groups I attended, I recall a speaker, married four times the two middle two were to AP's.

 

He said it was like a man who walks with his weight on the inside of his foot, when you see the footprints there is little to no thread on the inside. He goes out and gets new shoes, and for awhile his footprints have full thread. The problem isn't the shoe, It's the foot.

[minimariah]

i think it would be great if you could share your experience on your current relationship with your husband - did you take any therapy, trust issues, how did you work through the pressure that comes with the situation... also... how is your relationship with the xW and your xH, what kind of custody agreement do you all have, what is your relationship with the kids like... like, how does your day to day life in a blended post affair family look like -- it would be great to read something like that because we don't see many success stories so often.

 

so if you have time & are willing to - pretty please, share.

[Cabin]

I'll try to take some time to give an overview later today. You can search posts made by me by clicking on my name. I've given more detailed updates over the years.

 

I was thinking this morning how one day, when driving together before we were both "out", he looked at me and said "I would be the best husband to you." And... Not a day since that day has he ever shown me anything less.

 

I realize these were just words, but his actions have consistently demonstrated that promise.

[Josmatjes]

In one of the many support groups I attended, I recall a speaker, married four times the two middle two were to AP's.

 

He said it was like a man who walks with his weight on the inside of his foot, when you see the footprints there is little to no thread on the inside. He goes out and gets new shoes, and for awhile his footprints have full thread. The problem isn't the shoe, It's the foot.

 

Your such a downer!

[MidnightBlue1980]

Your such a downer!

 

No, DKT3 is a realist. He has given a lot of good advice.

[ladydesigner]

Cabin it is good to have OW who have made it to the other side share their stories. I agree that there aren't enough of them, but like another poster said that it is probably because they don't have a need to come to LS because they are happy.

 

Thanks for sharing and best of luck to you and your H!

[Daisy2013]

Thank you for sharing. While an affair isn't the best way to start a marriage or relationship, once in a while, I do think 2 people find each other and it is just "right." Perhaps one or both are truly in bad situations and do need out and this happens to be their way. Wishing you many years of happiness.

[Lady2163]

Thank you for posting this. I know of quite a few situations where exactly that has happened. We don't hear enough about them. There are no hard and fast rules. I think every case should be taken on its own merits with an open mind. Thank you again.

 

We don't hear much about them, whether they happen more often than people like to admit or simply because the mindset changes.

 

I WAS an OW. I ended it almost 2.5 years ago. Now, to some people that will always be a transgression and sin I can never receive redemption for. I'm doomed and destined to burn in hell and I don't deserve to be happy for the rest of my life. No amount of penance or good deeds will restore me in these anonymous internet users minds.

 

(Sidenote - I was seduced and manipulated by a MM 20 years older than I was in my early teens. I had several incidents of being an OW, before I truly thought and acted like an adult. I hold myself much less responsible and accountable for those acts, simply because these men were and are predators and pedophiles. Too bad their wives, families and communities will never know).

 

I have friends I talk to weekly and probably see them 2-3 times a month. They have been married for over 40 years. Yet, they started out as an affair - and it was one of the worst betrayals that you see. The two couples, were each other's best friends and neighbors. There lives were ridiculously intertwined and three of them worked together.

 

Yet, 40 years after the fact, they certainly don't identify as the Other or Affair partner. They are husband and wife. Period.

 

I've been divorced 20 years now. I don't still consider myself John Doe's wife. I barely remember to check divorced instead of single.

 

So, a man or woman who comes on here as an Other and then marries their AP, eventually doesn't relate to their role as other. The charged emotions fade into the background.

 

I'm even a sporadic poster on Loveshack. I will go pretty active for weeks at a time and then vanish. When I am active on here, I try to check this forum and if I comment on a thread I may check that thread a few times a day, but I don't always come back to the forum multiple times a day.

 

Because I'm single. Not dating. Currently celibate and cranky about it. I'm debating on getting my divorce annulled after 20 years. I'm not fond of cutting corners and saying "My ex MM" instead of " the MM I saw for 7 years" because he isn't and wasn't "MINE."

[doble]

Your such a downer!

 

Absolutely not. DKT3 is a realist. Cabin's story is by far the exception. You sound offended by his comment is it because your affair ended like the vast majority with your mm going back to his wife, but stringing you along. If anything you cheating in your marriage is the downer, not DKT3.

 

Cabin I hope things continue in a good place for you.

[Cabin]

He said it was like a man who walks with his weight on the inside of his foot, when you see the footprints there is little to no thread on the inside. He goes out and gets new shoes, and for awhile his footprints have full thread. The problem isn't the shoe, It's the foot.

 

I don't know... I guess I just don't subscribe to the philosophy that a person is eternally doomed by their past choices. Most people are works in progress, trying to get better at their lives and relationships, and what is the point of any of it if the possibility of growing and evolving isn't even a possibility?

[Cabin]

it is probably because they don't have a need to come to LS because they are happy.

!

 

I tend to think you are right. Once an A turns into a relationship, the OWs disappear from here. I know I did.

[Cabin]

We don't hear much about them, whether they happen more often than people like to admit or simply because the mindset changes.

 

So, a man or woman who comes on here as an Other and then marries their AP, eventually doesn't relate to their role as other. The charged emotions fade into the background.

"

 

Agreed. As your relationship "status" changes (not the interior stuff between the two partners, but the exterior stuff - what others accept and deem acceptable), you don't identify with the old dynamics.

 

Bad tree metaphor coming... I'll never forget the roots of my marriage, but ultimately they are roots, and my relationship and family tree is growing strong through them.

[DKT3]

I don't know... I guess I just don't subscribe to the philosophy that a person is eternally doomed by their past choices. Most people are works in progress, trying to get better at their lives and relationships, and what is the point of any of it if the possibility of growing and evolving isn't even a possibility?

 

Not at all what I'm saying....hell I married my unfaithful wife twice:lmao:

 

What the story is saying is if the issues that lead you to believe an affair is a viable option for a bad situation. Carrying that same mentality will result in the same outcome. Changing partners isn't the answer, changing you is.

[Cabin]

More detailed update -

 

Roughly...

 

-AP and I met a work, friends for a little while, attraction/interest immediate

 

-Both of us were married with children. Not proud; can't change that fact.

 

-A lasted about 12-18 months (if you count EA before PA) before moves were made to begin marital separations

 

-Another 12-18 months of legal proceedings (mine was quick and painless and I maintain a very good relationship with EX-H now; his was about as awful and dramatic as one could possibly imagine - then imagine worse! )

 

-He lived with his children for a couple of years in his own home and I lived with mine in my own home. This was CRITICAL.

 

-We gradually interacted with the children over those years.

 

-After conversations with the children, we decided to be married.

 

-Once we all agreed we would get married/blend families, he proposed within two months and we married a few months after that.

 

-We share custody 50/50 with the kids. We see them more than 50% though because they are very busy with travel sports and we attend/drive them regularly.

 

-Kids get along *very well* - fight and love being together like any siblings I've ever encountered.

 

-My EX is remarried and has new children. They come over for meals, I babysit for them sometimes, we take care of each other's pets when the other is vacationing. We weird other people out, I think, because of how normal we've made our "family". I include my EX and his wife and kids in "my" family and I love them.

 

-Dynamics with his ex are hostile and he limits communication as much as humanly possible and keeps it all focused on the kids. Time will tell, but I doubt this will ever improve. Too much anger for one another.

 

Anyway, that's the gist of it. We will tackle questions from the kids as they age and their understanding of our relationship evolves...

[Cabin]

. Carrying that same mentality will result in the same outcome. Changing partners isn't the answer, changing you is.

 

 

Totally agree. I know I will NEVER cheat on my husband - because I've learned so much and reflected on my choices/actions and what was driving them. My husband recognizes that his cheating was the result of his own issues and the issues that he had that allowed him to marry someone he didn't love in the first place.

[DKT3]

Totally agree. I know I will NEVER cheat on my husband - because I've learned so much and reflected on my choices/actions and what was driving them. My husband recognizes that his cheating was the result of his own issues and the issues that he had that allowed him to marry someone he didn't love in the first place.

 

So did you think you would cheat on your first husband?

[Cabin]

So did you think you would cheat on your first husband?

 

I didn't think about it at all! I shared my vow to be faithful, but it never really occurred to me that people cheat in marriages. If they did, they were "other people", "not like me"... I never gave it any thought at all!!

 

Now when I say that I will NEVER CHEAT - I know what I'm saying and I know what it means to cheat and what is required not to.

[lemondrop21]

I'm glad everything turned out well for nearly everyone involved (although it sounds like, for your now-husband's exW, not as great... but everyone else doing ok). Hopefully exW will find happiness and peace with all of it someday, too, and I don't mean that in a condescending way towards her - it's just that I think everyone deserves happiness and peace.

 

I think there are far more marriages resulting from affairs than the statistic that is commonly thrown around (2% or something?). But it's considered distasteful to talk about. Oftentimes you don't even know. I knew a couple for about a year who were super conservative, Bible-quoting southerners and I eventually found out that they started as an affair. Not something they prefer to advertise.

 

I like reading posts about adults who are now acting maturely - whether in reconciliation, divorce situations, or whatever. Especially when kids are involved. It gives me hope that people can pick up from massive s*it storms. Good job Cabin.