Update of affair turned marriage several years later

[Cabin]

Hopefully exW will find happiness and peace with all of it someday, too, and I don't mean that in a condescending way towards her - it's just that I think everyone deserves happiness and peace.

.

 

100% agree. She is the mother of my stepkids; I want her to be happy. The better her life is, the better she will be in their lives.

[DKT3]

I didn't think about it at all! I shared my vow to be faithful, but it never really occurred to me that people cheat in marriages. If they did, they were "other people", "not like me"... I never gave it any thought at all!!

 

Now when I say that I will NEVER CHEAT - I know what I'm saying and I know what it means to cheat and what is required not to.

 

What does it take to not cheat?

[RecentChange]

Well I am glad it's working well for everyone so far op.

 

Personally I am a bit of a skeptic when it comes to second marriages (I can't quite get over the vowing to love and cherish forever - until you vow forever to the next person) - and the stats back it up.

 

But perhaps you will be in the 20-33% of second marriages that do last (67-80% end in divorce, 15% fail in the first 36 months).

 

I don't think 2 years is really a mark of the long haul, but hopefully you will have a wonderful 12 year update.

[DKT3]

Well I am glad it's working well for everyone so far op.

 

Personally I am a bit of a skeptic when it comes to second marriages (I can't quite get over the vowing to love and cherish forever - until you vow forever to the next person) - and the stats back it up.

 

But perhaps you will be in the 20-33% of second marriages that do last (67-80% end in divorce, 15% fail in the first 36 months).

 

I don't think 2 years is really a mark of the long haul, but hopefully you will have a wonderful 12 year update.

Absolutely correct

 

Why? People rarely face the mirror inwards, instead they place blame and convince themselves just someone else that is the problem. That makes it difficult to understand how your behavior actions and reactions impact a relationship.

 

In short, most people don't change.

[amomwhoknows]

How old are the kids now?

 

 

Did you ever have a D-day? Do your exes know the origins of your relationship?

 

Somewhere I read that he intended to have her keep the family home, pay down debt, etc. did he accomplish this? And he seemed to not be so angry at her during your affair -- just not in love -- what happened since? Was if just the proceedings?

[minimariah]

In short, most people don't change.

 

i disagree -- most people DO change. people who don't change AT ALL during their lifetime usually have a very "straight line" kind of life -- nothing "explosive" happens to them. not learning from your mistakes isn't the same thing as not changing as a person.

 

for example - i actually believe Cabin when she writes that she won't cheat. in fact, i believe her more than i would a person who tells me the same thing but was never tempted to begin with. not the same thing; when you KNOW what you're dealing with... you can make an informed statement. of course, we never know what the future brings but... some words hold more weight than the others if there is a rich experience behind them, no?

 

i read through your posts Cabin - i'm glad you mentioned your husband working on his issues because i did have a "oh, this is TROUBLE" moment when i read that he pretty much settled for someone he never had feelings for. in all fairness, his bad relationship with the xW is expected - RARELY do people move on from that much resentment. from his xW's corner it looks like a lot of unnecessary pain that could have been easily avoided - BUT once the kids are older... you don't really have to interact with her unless something big happens so that relationship has an expiration date.

 

i do have a question - how do the kids refer to you? by name or nickname or do they call you mom? what is your relationship with them like? also, you mentioned you spend more than 50% time with them by attending their functions - does the xW attend too and if she does... how do you deal with those encounters? OH and - what rotation type of custody did you choose: week on/off, half of week or something like that? (this is just me being curious about custody, you don't have to respond if you think it's too personal).

 

thanks for sharing your experience, it's a perspective that's much needed - especially for those who are reading and are exiting their marriage or their AP is exiting their marriage... but are hesitant to post.

Edited July 28, 2016 by minimariah

[Cabin]

 

But perhaps you will be in the 20-33% of second marriages that do last (67-80% end in divorce, 15% fail in the first 36 months).

 

I don't think 2 years is really a mark of the long haul, but hopefully you will have a wonderful 12 year update.

 

You are right - the odds are stacked against us. And we are only two years in. But we know that, and we know that our relationship requires daily/weekly maintenance so that it doesn't, little by little, slip away from us. So we try to keep our marriage at the center. I know some people think kids should be the center, but that's how you lose marriages IMO.

[Cabin]

 

Did you ever have a D-day? Do your exes know the origins of your relationship?

 

Somewhere I read that he intended to have her keep the family home, pay down debt, etc. did he accomplish this? And he seemed to not be so angry at her during your affair -- just not in love -- what happened since? Was if just the proceedings?

 

No D "day" per se, but after separation it was understood.

 

He did walk away from the family home and all the equity in it (which was substantial) and he did pay off all of their mutual debt before leaving. He wanted her to be ok and not have to move.

 

Proceedings were crazy. She wasn't satisfied keeping all the assets and him taking the debt... how's that saying go? A woman scorned...

 

She wanted his head, his job, his reputation, and she wanted to make sure he would never be viable or happy again for the rest of his life. Pretty much.

[amomwhoknows]

do you attend events when she is present? Or do you keep your distance?

[Cabin]

 

i do have a question - how do the kids refer to you? by name or nickname or do they call you mom? what is your relationship with them like? also, you mentioned you spend more than 50% time with them by attending their functions - does the xW attend too and if she does... how do you deal with those encounters? OH and - what rotation type of custody did you choose: week on/off, half of week or something like that? (this is just me being curious about custody, you don't have to respond if you think it's too personal).

.

 

They call me by my first name. We have a good rapport - I might even say great but that sounds a bit pompous.

 

I read about a dozen books on being a stepmom when we got engaged and I try to put the strategies and tips I read into practice in our home: I let their dad do most of the heavy-lifting when it comes to parenting them. I don't discipline them unless I'm the only adult there, in which case, I do what needs to be done to ensure the kids are safe and things are fair between them.

 

Some evidence that they feel bonded to me: if I kiss my daughter goodnight and they are in their own room, sometimes I'll get a shout-out asking for a kiss too, or when watching a movie on the couch, one or two will want to sit next to me and snuggle in. I take these moments as support for the fact that they are doing ok, and we are doing ok.

 

Our life isn't perfect - Sometimes I go to bed crying to my husband worrying I'm a terrible mother (and stepmom) because XYZ happened, and he reminds me that terrible parents aren't usually privately crying about every interaction that was less-than-ideal and frustrating.

[minimariah]

I think there are far more marriages resulting from affairs than the statistic that is commonly thrown around (2% or something?).

 

you know - i was thinking about this... i think it's impossible to make a statistic about it... you gotta take people's word for it. and many really won't talk about it because MANY divorced without a D-day; just like you said. i think that, for a lot of us, the statistic isn't true when we look around us... but again... our experiences are limited and maybe the statistic is true in grand scheme of things. who knows.

 

it certainly is possible to move on with your AP & have a good and healthy relationship, marriage, family.

[BenchCoach]

Went back and read through some of your threads/posts- a very sordid tale, indeed.

 

 

A question: You say there was no d-day involved for you. This comes to mean that your ex-husband had/has no idea you and this man were in an affair throughout your counseling period. He's oblivious to the fact you were cheating on him while you two were in marriage counseling, correct?That may be why everything is "amicable" between you two. As to you current husband' BS, could it be that she put things together, and that is why she is so hostile- which is understandable.

 

I know it's all said and done, but do you fear it will all be revealed at some point... how you two actually got here?

[Cabin]

do you attend events when she is present? Or do you keep your distance?

 

We all attend. We don't generally sit real close together, but there have been times when we are sitting within a few feet. We all keep it cordial.

 

Recently she and I have taken to some light texting when necessary about the kids.

 

We send a gift at Christmas, Mother's Day, and her birthday. She reciprocates.

 

It's a bit of a show for best interest of the kids - I don't believe there is any sincerity in her actions - but it doesn't matter because the kids will remember that she gave us gifts and received gifts from us and that matters more.

[Cabin]

 

I know it's all said and done, but do you fear it will all be revealed at some point... how you two actually got here?

 

There is nothing to be revealed at this point. My good relationship with my ex is despite what happened, not because he doesn't know.

[minimariah]

It's a bit of a show for best interest of the kids...

 

bingo. EVERYTHING is a bit of a show - from both sides - in cordial & friendly relationships between the exes. you are forced to mantain a relationship, after all. well, it's like that in most situations. and that's totally fine -- if you can keep it cordial and civil with good communication and encouraging and respecting the relationship with the other parent... that's as close to perfect as it can get. everything else is an added bonus and situations like the one with your xH are RARE, you already know that.

 

i think you'll all be just fine. good luck!

[Cabin]

BS, could it be that she put things together, and that is why she is so hostile- which is understandable.

 

It is understandable to be in pain and be heartbroken and disillusioned when your whole life is changing and you don't have any control over it. I have empathy for her struggle.

 

There is a great TED Talk about how we respond to infidelity: Esther Perel: Rethinking infidelity ... a talk for anyone who has ever loved | TED Talk | TED.com

 

As for her hostility, the question is... if a person cheats on you and leaves you, are you justified in doing ANYTHING you want to "get back at them"?

[BenchCoach]

But he's unaware of the circumstances he was facing, correct? You were pretty much checked-out of the marriage, throughout your counseling period. Your mind was made up. That's what I'm asking.

 

I'd beg to differ, that if he were to know what was happening during your affair, he wouldn't be as cordial toward you or your AP/current husband. What I'm getting at is, don't you think it's a bit cruel... having him interact with your new family in this way? He's shaking the hand of the man who was bedding his wife behind his back.

 

As to the other BS, you don't think she'll figure it out and expose you at some point? You did say she was hell-bent on destroying your current husband, did you not?

 

 

I don't mean to "rain on your parade," just something to think about.

 

 

It seems to be working out... for now.

[Cabin]

But he's unaware of the circumstances he was facing, correct? You were pretty much checked-out of the marriage, throughout your counseling period. Your mind was made up. That's what I'm asking.

 

I'd beg to differ, that if he were to know what was happening during your affair, he wouldn't be as cordial toward you or your AP/current husband. What I'm getting at is, don't you think it's a bit cruel... having him interact with your new family in this way? He's shaking the hand of the man who was bedding his wife behind his back.

 

As to the other BS, you don't think she'll figure it out and expose you at some point? You did say she was hell-bent on destroying your current husband, did you not?

 

It seems to be working out... for now.

 

There is nothing left to come out; all parties know everything. The children know/understand in varying degrees and that is something we will address as they initiate conversations with us about it.

 

Our respective exes, families, and close friends all know. Others within our professional and social circles know, again in varying degrees. Most people are too classy to ask, and many people, when it comes down to it, probably really don't care.

[minimariah]

As for her hostility...

 

to be honest - i expected a much worse situation when you first wrote that; your interaction with her is cordial + you send gifts to each other... you even text... that's VERY good. i'm sure there is drama you didn't mention buuut it doesn't seem bad at all! not bad at all.

[Cabin]

to be honest - i expected a much worse situation when you first wrote that; your interaction with her is cordial + you send gifts to each other... you even text... that's VERY good. i'm sure there is drama you didn't mention buuut it doesn't seem bad at all! not bad at all.

 

I'm trying!!! It's literally the least I can do and I know that I owe her a debt. So I try to do my best for her kids as a result.

 

BUT... I wouldn't even know where to begin with the grenades she threw in his lap... allegations of sexual behaviour between him and the children, allegations of domestic violence against her, multiple attempts to have him fired...

 

She threw the book at him: involved child welfare agencies and police like they were her personal revenge assistants.

 

She took steps that were highly reckless for herself, her children, and of course him... but I don't think she really cared... all she really cared about what seeing it all burn.

[Cabin]

 

if you can keep it cordial and civil with good communication and encouraging and respecting the relationship with the other parent... that's as close to perfect as it can get. everything else is an added bonus and situations like the one with your xH are RARE, you already know that.

 

i think you'll all be just fine. good luck!

 

Thank you. I am very lucky my ex married a woman who has lived through the whole blended family/multiple parents experience. She really helped pave the way for how we would all interact!

[minimariah]

I'm trying!!! It's literally the least I can do and I know that I owe her a debt. So I try to do my best for her kids as a result.

 

that's great & you seem to have a healthy attitude about it all. i'm glad your husband managed to get joint custody & the kids spend enough/equal time with both of their parents - it's only right.

 

but like i said - things did seem to improve, no? she did make it difficult but hey... at least NOW it's somewhat peaceful. that's a good thing. i'm sure you'll never be anything close to friends with her but you don't have to anyway. being cordial and friendly is more than enough.

 

i think you have a good thing going on.

and kudos to you for being mature about it and informing yourself about stepparenting... VERY praise worthy.

[Cabin]

 

i think you have a good thing going on.

and kudos to you for being mature about it and informing yourself about stepparenting... VERY praise worthy.

 

Thank you very much. There is no changing mistakes made, right? So now I do the best I can moving forward!

[BenchCoach]

There is nothing left to come out; all parties know everything

 

Ahhh, I see. Excuse my ignorance to that fact. I wasn't aware that the affair had been revealed. My apologies.

 

Well, it does seem that everything is working out.

 

 

Just out of curiosity, how were the circumstances of your current relationship revealed? You say there was no d-day. Am I to assume that not everyone was receptive. Did you lose any friends, family, acquaintance's do to this?

[anika99]

More detailed update -

 

Roughly...

 

-AP and I met a work, friends for a little while, attraction/interest immediate

 

-Both of us were married with children. Not proud; can't change that fact.

 

-A lasted about 12-18 months (if you count EA before PA) before moves were made to begin marital separations

 

-Another 12-18 months of legal proceedings (mine was quick and painless and I maintain a very good relationship with EX-H now; his was about as awful and dramatic as one could possibly imagine - then imagine worse! )

 

-He lived with his children for a couple of years in his own home and I lived with mine in my own home. This was CRITICAL.

 

-We gradually interacted with the children over those years.

 

-After conversations with the children, we decided to be married.

 

-Once we all agreed we would get married/blend families, he proposed within two months and we married a few months after that.

 

-We share custody 50/50 with the kids. We see them more than 50% though because they are very busy with travel sports and we attend/drive them regularly.

 

-Kids get along *very well* - fight and love being together like any siblings I've ever encountered.

 

-My EX is remarried and has new children. They come over for meals, I babysit for them sometimes, we take care of each other's pets when the other is vacationing. We weird other people out, I think, because of how normal we've made our "family". I include my EX and his wife and kids in "my" family and I love them.

 

-Dynamics with his ex are hostile and he limits communication as much as humanly possible and keeps it all focused on the kids. Time will tell, but I doubt this will ever improve. Too much anger for one another.

 

Anyway, that's the gist of it. We will tackle questions from the kids as they age and their understanding of our relationship evolves...

 

Wow Cabin, I am impressed. I admit, I'm an affair naysayer, but a lot of that is because the people I see involved in affairs are so often childish, selfish, and full of romantic fantasy. I have read numerous stories from OW whose MM has left home (meaning ran away) and moved right in with the OW and then when the MM's family freak right the f*ck out, he runs right back home, because their never was a real plan in place to end the marriage and tend to the well-being of the children. It was just an impulsive fantasy act of rebellion and once reality hit it couldn't be sustained.

 

It sounds like you and the MM handled the situation with a lot of care and thought for your children and your exes. Of course cheating is never the right way to handle things but it sounds like you really did the best you could under the circumstances. I don't hear any bitterness or hate in your posts directed towards your husband's ex even though she tried her best to ruin him. It sounds like your husband also tried to handle his ex with care and empathy and that he made sure her and his kids were still financially taken care of after the divorce. I think you really are a compassionate empathetic person who has taken this experience, learned from it and grown.

 

I wish you the best and really hope you do have a long successful marriage with your husband.