Rejecting My Parents

[Wave Rider]

At this point, I've struggled with emotional problems and other difficulties enough that I'm willing to consider increasingly unorthodox ideas. I came across this provocative article about rejecting our parents if they were lousy parents, or at at least rejecting them in our own mind. It actually made a lot of sense.

 

I've struggled with unwanted problem behaviors for a very long time. Perhaps this would help.

 

My parents weren't abusive, but they were pretty emotionally neglectful, especially my dad, mostly because they were too wrapped up in their own problems to provide much emotional support for me and my two siblings. They were obviously miserable in their marriage, and I recall several times when one or both of them would talk about regretting the decision to get married. They would have conversations about how if one of them died, it was OK for the other one to remarry. My mom would say that if they got divorced, she would take us kids and move to Colorado.

 

So not really abuse, but a lot of neglect and obvious dissatisfaction with their marriage.

 

Now my parents are doing better, but they still have some of the same problems. I think they currently have a fair amount of guilt over how badly they behaved and the problems that their behavior has caused for me and my siblings, particularly my brother and me, who have really struggled with getting our lives together. Even if they had good intentions while raising us, they were still pretty lousy parents, regardless of how good their intentions were.

 

I'm inclined to reject them as parents, the same way I had to reject Mormonism to move on with my life. Just as I found out that Mormonism was built on lies, my childhood was built on a lie, the lie that my parents were good people and good parents, which is the lie that all children with bad parents have to believe to survive.

 

What do you think?

Edited July 28, 2016 by Wave Rider

[basil67]

I'm not sure how old you are, but some of this stuff is generational. I'm a Gen X and had parents who weren't particularly emotionally supportive. But times were different then. Generally speaking: If we got bullied, we were told to just ignore the bullies. We didn't have parents who brought dinner to our bedrooms when we were studying for high school exams. We had to get ourselves to sporting activities. Yes, some parents were different, but after discussions with my friends, I've found that my experience was not unusual.

 

The discussions about marrying again or what we'd do if a partner died or divorced: We've had those conversations. Not because we don't love each other, but because I don't want my husband to feel guilty about moving on if something happened to us. And I too, would likely move back to where my family is if I was without him. This is a normal conversation for me. Oh, and we discuss things like organ donation.

 

Perhaps things were worse for you than the average experience. But based on what you've said...there's nothing here worth disowning them over.

[Wave Rider]

I'm not sure how old you are, but some of this stuff is generational. I'm a Gen X and had parents who weren't particularly emotionally supportive. But times were different then. Generally speaking: If we got bullied, we were told to just ignore the bullies. We didn't have parents who brought dinner to our bedrooms when we were studying for high school exams. We had to get ourselves to sporting activities. Yes, some parents were different, but after discussions with my friends, I've found that my experience was not unusual.

 

The discussions about marrying again or what we'd do if a partner died or divorced: We've had those conversations. Not because we don't love each other, but because I don't want my husband to feel guilty about moving on if something happened to us. And I too, would likely move back to where my family is if I was without him. This is a normal conversation for me. Oh, and we discuss things like organ donation.

 

Perhaps things were worse for you than the average experience. But based on what you've said...there's nothing here worth disowning them over.

 

I don't want this to turn into a "You think THAT'S bad" contest, because I think it's more about the subjective experience about how badly we were wounded. To use Mormonism as an example, some people walk away from Mormonism with no hard feelings, while others walk away feeling like they've been psychologically abused, torn down, and taken advantage of, even when to an outside observer, both people had a similar experience in the religion. I feel I was very hurt by my parent's behavior, and so I wanted to talk about the rejection as a possibility for dealing with that.

 

I'm not really asking if rejecting my parents is morally justified. I'm asking if it would the therapeutically beneficial.

Edited July 28, 2016 by Wave Rider

[Nowty V]

I'm not really asking if rejecting my parents is morally justified. I'm asking if it would the therapeutically beneficial.

 

Surely this is a concept you can play with yourself.

 

Could it be therapeutically beneficial?

 

Talk it out with a therapist and see where that leads, a good therapist will shepherd you to where you don't want to go, those dark recesses where the dragons lie.

 

Ultimately it will be down to your perception and any possible 'mistaken certainties' that you formed during your nurture.

[basil67]

I didn't mean to put this in a competition of who's parents are worse. While I've not for a moment considered disowning my parents, I have had similar conversations with friends who've reminded me that some of my grumbles about my parents are unwarranted because they were parenting according to the era.

 

To answer your question, I can't separate 'morally justified' from 'therapeutically beneficial'. I believe that an act which is not morally justifiable cannot be beneficial to us.

 

Let's say that your parents haven't don't anything which leaves you morally justified in cutting them off. But you cut them off anyway. Will you be fine and happy in your life while knowing the heartbreak that your decision has caused them?

[Nowty V]

I believe that an act which is not morally justifiable cannot be beneficial to us.

 

I disagree but that's another thread, I would be willing to justify my opinion.

 

Will you be fine and happy in your life while knowing the heartbreak that your decision has caused them?

 

The OP is playing with a conceptual angle? Is he thinking of disowning and avoiding them? This could be folly and create more emotional problems than it would solve, but who knows.. Its his head he's wrestling with.

 

My parents passed away 10 years ago and it is only now that I am beginning to see the strengths they had and be able to love them consciously.

[beatcuff]

I'm inclined to reject them as parents...my childhood was built on a lie, the lie that my parents were good people and good parents, which is the lie that all children with bad parents have to believe to survive.

What do you think?

 

how about accept them for who they were. release them from your 'fantasy'. it appears (no details) you are proclaiming your sentence based on standard few parents can meet. there is no manual, no guidelines. we are all flawed. we all make mistakes. maybe your emotional expectations just so happen to be their flaw. or maybe their fear of being alone is a flaw that kept them together.

 

i have said many times: want to know how good a parent you were, watch how your children raise theirs.

 

BUT even knowing that and trying as hard as i have, under times of stress: i (and my wife) revert back to what my (our) parents did --- and i hate myself for allowing that to happen. but that is my flaw (among hundreds of others), then again after 18+ years of watching my parents --- well learned responses are challenging to correct.

 

i have accepted that, as you must as well. once you realize they are what they are --- you life will be much easier.

[Els]

Personally I think your expectations of your parents are way too high. I have never relied on my parents for emotional support, neither have my SO or most of my close friends relied on theirs. I don't blame my parents for it. Emotional support is something you can only really provide if your viewpoints match up somewhat, and it's not their fault I think differently from them, which is why I relied more on friends and partners for emotional support, because I chose those people and thus I chose people who could relate to me. We don't choose our kin.

 

In my view my parents were still decent parents. If you had enough food, clothes, a comfortable home, healthcare, and an education that you didn't need to work as a child to provide for yourself, I think you weren't too badly off.

 

That being said, if your parents aren't being emotionally abusive to you, how is cutting them off going to be 'therapeutically beneficial' to you? Is it a tit-for-tat thing?

[BettyDraper]

Personally I think your expectations of your parents are way too high. I have never relied on my parents for emotional support, neither have my SO or most of my close friends relied on theirs. I don't blame my parents for it. Emotional support is something you can only really provide if your viewpoints match up somewhat, and it's not their fault I think differently from them, which is why I relied more on friends and partners for emotional support, because I chose those people and thus I chose people who could relate to me. We don't choose our kin.

 

In my view my parents were still decent parents. If you had enough food, clothes, a comfortable home, healthcare, and an education that you didn't need to work as a child to provide for yourself, I think you weren't too badly off.

That being said, if your parents aren't being emotionally abusive to you, how is cutting them off going to be 'therapeutically beneficial' to you? Is it a tit-for-tat thing?

 

I had all of those advantages but I was also being emotionally and physically abused.

When I became clinically depressed, others thought I was spoiled because I grew up in a big house, I had a two parent home and nice clothing.

[Els]

I had all of those advantages but I was also being emotionally and physically abused.

When I became clinically depressed, others thought I was spoiled because I grew up in a big house, I had a two parent home and nice clothing.

 

The OP specifically said he was not abused, just not given as much attention and emotional support as he would like. Obviously if there is abuse involved my response would be different.

[anika99]

I think you have to make your own decision and do whatever feels right to you. All parents are flawed and make mistakes but the majority of parents truly love their children and did their best with what they had and what they knew at the time. I'm not sure, based on the little you have told us, how your childhood was based on a lie. Perhaps you feel that way because what people saw and assumed about your family wasn't reality. Like people saw your parents as really happy and ideal because they didn't live in your house and weren't privy to the problems. That is the case for everyone though. People generally don't air their dirty laundry to the general public.

 

I think a lot of young people go through a phase where they somewhat reject their parents. They don't outwardly say they reject their parents or cut their parents out of their lives, but they go through a period of time where they realize their parents were wrong about a lot of stuff, their parents made mistakes, their parents weren't always loving and nurturing and sometimes they did crappy things, and this causes them to judge their parents rather harshly and see themselves as superior to their parents. I think in someways this taking off the rose coloured glasses and seeing out parents as the flawed human beings they are is a normal step towards reaching adulthood and becoming autonomous beings. Its a phase of growing up but usually we still love our parents, even when we are judging them and think we're better than them.

 

How do think rejecting your parents now will better your life? I've met the odd person who has completely cut their parents out of their life. They don't do it because of their parents past mistakes though. They do it because even as adults their relationship with their parents is still toxic and detrimental to their mental health. Usually people with overly critical or overly controlling parents will want to limit or completely cut off their relationship with their parents because every interaction with them leaves them feeling horrible about themselves. Are your parents doing anything mentally or emotionally damaging to you in the present? Your first post seems to say that your parents have recognized that they made mistakes and they feel remorse for those mistakes, so I'm not getting the sense that your parents are unloving terrible people who are currently having a negative impact on your life and your mental health. I feel like you want to reject as some sort of punishment for the mistakes they made years ago and I don't really see how that is going to benefit you.

 

I'm older now and I will say that the older I become the more forgiving I become. I used to stew on all the ways my mom had wronged me and she did a lot wrong, but now I also have fond memories of all the good things she did for me too. How affectionate she was, how easy she was to talk to, how when I was hurt nothing could make me feel better then her gathering me up in hug and telling me she loved me. She was also a drug user who abandoned me and until I was 10 yrs old I rarely even lived with her. I got moved around a lot and by the time I was 11 I had been in 13 different schools and lived in as many homes. Many people come from messed up childhoods but rejecting our parents doesn't give us our childhood back, it doesn't change the past. Unless your parents our abusive in someway towards you right now, I just don't see the point in rejecting them.

[BettyDraper]

The OP specifically said he was not abused, just not given as much attention and emotional support as he would like. Obviously if there is abuse involved my response would be different.

 

I was responding to your statement about not having a bad childhood if certain conditions were meant. I wasn't talking about the OP's situation; just pointing out that it's entirely possible for someone to have a damaging childhood even with certain advantages.

[JewelD]

Well, you're an adult now. Are you rejecting them because they currently have negative impacts on your life or because you think they're responsible for the way your life turned out?

 

Rejecting people and rejecting religion are very different things. I suppose you'll just have to do it and see what happens, but beforehand, just make sure you never intend to call on them for help at any point in time.

 

Nobody's parents are perfect and we can all sit and look at the things we think they should or should not have done for us. But we'll never truly understand what they go through until we have our own kids.

[Wave Rider]

I will respond to many of the things that have been said. I'm not currently thinking of cutting them out of my life, though at this point I usually only see them twice a year. Rejecting them would be more of an internal thing, something that I would keep a secret for myself. When I went to see them I'd have to act like I liked them. If I speak of my parents as the are right now, I kinda like my mom, and it's kinda fun talking to her, but I don't much care for my dad because he is too emotionally unavailable and cold and distant to be someone I'd want to spend time with. I've tried to get him to open up before and I've tried to get to know him better, but he's an emotional brick wall who lets nobody in and who will never be emotionally available for anyone. I talk to him about car repair and surfing and that's about as much family closeness as he's able to tolerate. I don't really like him that much.

 

I am considering parental rejection, even if it's just internal, because I am hoping it will help correct my lifetime problem behaviors that have been highly resistant to psychotherapeutic treatment, which are behaviors that my parents mostly dumped on me, or were my response to their actions. From my early childhood I remember that I was a pretty happy child and that I wanted to explore the world, but my parents were miserable in their marriage and it feels like they wanted to make sure that their kids were just as miserable as they were. I think I would have turned out OK if my parents hadn't dumped all their baggage on me and taught me a whole bunch of dysfunctional ways of living.

 

I have often wished that my parents would have gotten divorced. They stayed together, and right now they have a functional marriage, but I wouldn't call it a good marriage. I think that me and my siblings would have been better off if they had gotten divorced. I can't say for sure what would have happened if they had divorced, but at least then we wouldn't have to watch our caretakers be openly hostile to each other and be obviously miserable with each other.

 

The lie that the child must believe is that their parents are good, sane, caring, loving individuals who do things right. The child must believe this, because the child knows that if their caretakers are crazy and unstable and miserable, the child's situation is truly hopeless. So the child must blame themselves for their parents' bad behavior.

 

I have sometimes wondered to myself why they even wanted children if they were so miserable. And more than anything in the world, my dad seems to just want everyone to leave him the frick alone. If what my dad wants in life is for people to leave him alone, I don't know why he wanted a wife and kids. I have sometimes wished that my parents had never had children, because if I'd never been born I would not know that I didn't exist and life would be good. But my parents did decided to have children and then dump all their baggage on their children, so now I have to deal with their problems. I would have been totally fine with them never getting married and never having children, as my mom has once told me that she wished.

 

So yeah, I wish I has been raised by different parents. I think that if they had been different, I'd me much psychologically healthier and I wouldn't struggle with these chronic behavioral problems that resist treatment. I would prefer a new parental model. That's why I am considering rejecting them.

Edited July 28, 2016 by Wave Rider

[BettyDraper]

I will respond to many of the things that have been said. I'm not currently thinking of cutting them out of my life, though at this point I usually only see them twice a year. Rejecting them would be more of an internal thing, something that I would keep a secret for myself. When I went to see them I'd have to act like I liked them. If I speak of my parents as the are right now, I kinda like my mom, and it's kinda fun talking to her, but I don't much care for my dad because he is too emotionally unavailable and cold and distant to be someone I'd want to spend time with. I've tried to get him to open up before and I've tried to get to know him better, but he's an emotional brick wall who lets nobody in and who will never be emotionally available for anyone. I talk to him about car repair and surfing and that's about as much family closeness as he's able to tolerate. I don't really like him that much.

 

I am considering parental rejection, even if it's just internal, because I am hoping it will help correct my lifetime problem behaviors that have been highly resistant to psychotherapeutic treatment, which are behaviors that my parents mostly dumped on me, or were my response to their actions. From my early childhood I remember that I was a pretty happy child and that I wanted to explore the world, but my parents were miserable in their marriage and it feels like they wanted to make sure that their kids were just as miserable as they were. I think I would have turned out OK if my parents hadn't dumped all their baggage on me and taught me a whole bunch of dysfunctional ways of living.

 

I have often wished that my parents would have gotten divorced. They stayed together, and right now they have a functional marriage, but I wouldn't call it a good marriage. I think that me and my siblings would have been better off if they had gotten divorced. I can't say for sure what would have happened if they had divorced, but at least then we wouldn't have to watch our caretakers be openly hostile to each other and be obviously miserable with each other.

 

The lie that the child must believe is that their parents are good, sane, caring, loving individuals who do things right. The child must believe this, because the child knows that if their caretakers are crazy and unstable and miserable, the child's situation is truly hopeless. So the child must blame themselves for their parents' bad behavior.

 

I have sometimes wondered to myself why they even wanted children if they were so miserable. And more than anything in the world, my dad seems to just want everyone to leave him the frick alone. If what my dad wants in life is for people to leave him alone, I don't know why he wanted a wife and kids. I have sometimes wished that my parents had never had children, because if I'd never been born I would not know that I didn't exist and life would be good. But my parents did decided to have children and then dump all their baggage on their children, so now I have to deal with their problems. I would have been totally fine with them never getting married and never having children, as my mom has once told me that she wished.

 

So yeah, I wish I has been raised by different parents. I think that if they had been different, I'd me much psychologically healthier and I wouldn't struggle with these chronic behavioral problems that resist treatment. I would prefer a new parental model. That's why I am considering rejecting them.

 

It isn't your fault if you are damaged as a result of your childhood. However, as an adult you bear full responsibility if you decide to stay the same. How do you plan on handling your behavioral and psychological issues as a man and not a child? At some point, you need to stop blaming your parents and come to terms with the fact that they will never be different. Your father is not going to change.

 

I am not close to my mother because she was an abusive parent and she is also quite toxic even though she wants to be close friends. She feels that being my mother gives her the right to be insulting and overbearing while enjoying power over me and a friendship. I keep her at an arm's length though I have not completely cut her off. I have let go of all the fantasies of my mother becoming a more loving person and accepted that she will always be the way she is. I have also worked on my psychological damage with counselor and taken a hard look at how my past behavior mimicked what I saw growing up.

[turnera]

The thing that helped me the most was to be able to emotionally distance myself from my dad so I could look at him as a PERSON, and not my father. I compared him against other men that I knew, against a bunch of topics, and determined where I thought he stood in terms of being a decent person (he didn't rate too well).

 

I also read a ton of books about how our childhood affects us and how screwed up many parents are; which allowed me to stop taking them so personally. They were only human.

 

That attitude, for me, though, dates back to high school, where I was teased a lot for being poor and wearing hand me downs. It occurred to me one day that these people who do this to someone else must REALLY hate themselves or have serious self esteem issues or be serious f'd up, to be hurting and laughing at another person.

 

It allowed me to step back and not take it personally. It wasn't about me. It was about them. Right?

 

Don't know how easy that would be for you, but it's worked wonders for me.

 

Reading up on Buddhism might help you, too.

 

Or reading De Mello's book Awareness. Very enlightening.

[Els]

I was responding to your statement about not having a bad childhood if certain conditions were meant. I wasn't talking about the OP's situation; just pointing out that it's entirely possible for someone to have a damaging childhood even with certain advantages.

 

But my statement was directed at the OP, and as such omits certain conditions that the OP already mentioned did not happen. Of course it's possible for rich kids to be abused, and that is not any less damaging.

[xxoo]

 

The lie that the child must believe is that their parents are good, sane, caring, loving individuals who do things right. The child must believe this, because the child knows that if their caretakers are crazy and unstable and miserable, the child's situation is truly hopeless. So the child must blame themselves for their parents' bad behavior.

 

There's childhood. And then there are the teen years, where kids normally separate from parents, question the way their parents do things, and start to figure out that their parents are flawed humans. Not only do I remember going through that stage, I have a daughter in that stage right now. I hear all about the problems other parents have; their kids do not think they always do things right. Most adolescents come out the other side understanding that their parents are just people with struggles of their own.

 

Instead of rejecting your parents, I suggest that you try to accept them as they are. Forgive them for the ways they failed you. You are adult peers now, no longer dependent on them. Be an adult and release your parents of these responsibilities.

[major_merrick]

I think that when to cut parents out of your life, you need to consider your physical and mental health/safety of paramount importance. If someone jeopardizes that, you need to move away from them.

 

My childhood was mostly bad. My dad drank and beat us, and my mom was abusive in other ways. When my sister was born, my mom refused to take care of her after about a year and dumped that on me. Basically, I got to be a mom at age 10, without knowing what to do. We had almost no food or clothing, but I got what I could. I did my best and raised the girl, but I obviously made some mistakes. I was glad when my dad divorced my mom when I graduated high school, because I thought he was the whole problem. It turns out, my mom was just as much of a problem, and she eventually went to prison as a sex offender.

 

Today, I have no contact with my dad - I don't even know where he is or if he is still alive. I have a little contact with my mom, but I keep my distance. I like it that way. I'm not subjected to their damaging influence and I'm free to live my own life as best I can. I've let go of any "happy family" fantasies that I once had as a kid. I guess if I had different parents I'd be a much different (possibly healthier) person. But then I wouldn't be me.

 

Decide if cutting people out of your life or limiting their access to you is in your best interest. Once you're an adult, your primary duties are to the people who depend on you (partner and/or kids) and then to yourself.

[anika99]

I read the article you linked and it seems to be about accepting that your parents never loved you and the people who left comments and supported the article and rejecting your parents, tended to have awful stories of physical and even sexual abuse. I kind of think that article was written for people who were raised in terribly abusive situations. Do you think your parents never loved you? I'm sure there are parents who honestly and truly don't love their children. I don't think my stepfather's mother ever loved him. In the end she rejected him and he spent the rest of his life longing for a connection with her. Very sad. I also don't think my best friend from childhood mother loved her. She was not abusive but she showed zero warmth to my friend. Her mother also seemed to reject her as an adult. She moved far away and showed little interest in her daughter and her grandchildren and yet my friend still tries to this day to get her mother's love and attention. Also very sad.

 

 

I know I made mistakes with my kids and those mistakes have affected them as an adult but I wholeheartedly reject the notion that I did not love them and I don't believe that my mother didn't love me even though she made even worse mistakes as a parent then I did. Even though I know that there are parents out there who truly don't love their children and I think that article was meant for them. Most parents love their kids and most people have come from varying degrees of dysfunction but that doesn't mean they weren't loved.

[BettyDraper]

But my statement was directed at the OP, and as such omits certain conditions that the OP already mentioned did not happen. Of course it's possible for rich kids to be abused, and that is not any less damaging.

 

Glad you realize that privileged children can also have terrible childhoods.

[BettyDraper]

I read the article you linked and it seems to be about accepting that your parents never loved you and the people who left comments and supported the article and rejecting your parents, tended to have awful stories of physical and even sexual abuse. I kind of think that article was written for people who were raised in terribly abusive situations. Do you think your parents never loved you? I'm sure there are parents who honestly and truly don't love their children. I don't think my stepfather's mother ever loved him. In the end she rejected him and he spent the rest of his life longing for a connection with her. Very sad. I also don't think my best friend from childhood mother loved her. She was not abusive but she showed zero warmth to my friend. Her mother also seemed to reject her as an adult. She moved far away and showed little interest in her daughter and her grandchildren and yet my friend still tries to this day to get her mother's love and attention. Also very sad.

 

 

I know I made mistakes with my kids and those mistakes have affected them as an adult but I wholeheartedly reject the notion that I did not love them and I don't believe that my mother didn't love me even though she made even worse mistakes as a parent then I did. Even though I know that there are parents out there who truly don't love their children and I think that article was meant for them. Most parents love their kids and most people have come from varying degrees of dysfunction but that doesn't mean they weren't loved.

 

This is key. When I hear some adults complain about their parents, it's very hard for me not to ask them what they would do if they had to live in fear and isolation for most of their lives as children. The OP doesn't seem to have any serious issues with his parents such as abuse that went on for years and continued into adulthood.

 

Wave Rider, when I read your posts I see an adult who is unwilling to accept responsibility for his emotional damage and do something about it rather than responding like a child to mistakes his parents made. Have you sought counseling? Have you considered that your parents are just people instead of the infallible gods of your childhood?

 

My mother was horribly abusive growing up and as I became an adult, the abuse shifted from physical and emotional to only emotional abuse. I have had nearly 5 years of counseling and I keep a polite distance from my mother despite the fact that she is trying to force a close friendship with me. I have also learned to feel compassion for my mother as another woman. Poor thing did what was expected of her rather than what she wanted and she didn't know any better than to take out her resentment on her children. I believe that mother loved me but she rarely knew how to show it in ways that were not destructive. FWIW, I wish that my main problem with my mother was that she was emotionally unavailable. I am sharing my story so that you can see that other adult children had to survive far worse circumstances when we were kids.

 

Count your blessings and learn to take ownership of your emotional deficits.

[Emilia]

I've cut my mother off (my father died a while ago) and I agree with others here that it should be a justified last resort you can't come back from. I did that not simply because my mother is a cold person but because it took me years to realise that not being fed and cared for as a kid wasn't normal. Yes I know how stupid that sounds and this is my point: in my mind bad treatment was normalised and I cut myself off to unlearn that kind of acceptance. That being undermined when you are achieving something that in return teaches you to undermine others when they are achieving something is a very bad thing.

 

In short, the dynamic I learned at home affected my interpersonal relationships in a very negative way.

 

I'm not really sure OP that you would be in a similar position but only you will know this.