Is childhood abuse a deal breaker?

[KittyKat67]

**:DI have started a new thread because I have come to new realzations and want insight into moving forward~~~~I asked this question because hitting your kid takes away their self esteem and some are more resillient than others to get away from it. In my culture family sticks together no matter what and I know there is something wrong with my picture, but I guess I needed to justify why I have major depression because of it. Now my dad has not really hit me in 20 years, but the underlying threat of it is what still keeps the abuse alive.

 

I have had a hard time, maybe I"m in denial. But I keep searching for justification as to actually move away. I have been dreaming and planning to move to another city, not to "escape", but I am just one of those that love new places to live...and they don't want me to and for some reason I have shrunk down emotionaly to a pathetic 15 year old.

 

The bottom line is that I am middle aged and want terribly to be at peace. People tell me, your parents live 2 hours away whats the problem? Well I get anxiety when they come visit, which isn't very often and my anger about my childhood abuse and snide remarks reneder me non functional sometimes. My parents gave me everything finanical and was there for me when I couldn't support myself. I feel trapped in my thoughts as my loyalty because they gave me money, I should live how they want me to and not move, not be a free spirit. The seesawing back and forth is brutal. I just want to know that I am really supposed to be free and live my life the way I want to. I don't have any grand expecations or want freebies in life, I know this though, if I don't feel safe, or feel ungrounded, have this much anger still, I will not be able to grow and do much of anything really, just exist but not live. I have to move away for a year..to find my center again and I feel if I never leave I will have a huge regret, but am I just being selfish? My heart says no way am I being selfish. But I am confused.

 

Is it being selfish or in some way not thinking right if I say that I need to move away for a year to heal from my childhood? For the record I was beat by both parents but maiinly my dad. I mean beat, like in fetal position with him sh*t kicking me or slapping me against the wall out of anger and rage.....I got re traumatized all over again the last few years and its not getting any better. Thats really it.

 

I have tried to do it my parents way as I am living in their hose we co own now together. After 5 plus years of hating this place, mainly I think its just due to how they had control over my living conditions which threw me back into being controlled like a kid which threw me into major clinical depression for a while, I couldn't work, hardly walk,...it was bad. I'm better now, but feel no joy anymore. For some reason, I have a block. Am I just rebelling like a kid? I refuse to really work much I am just that pissed. I have lost jobs, got in fights iwth co workers, to where I just refused to work period. They wouldn't really be open to renting or selling...and I feel trapped. so this is where I am at. I am rebelling like a kid, barely making it. I could get a 40 hour job and save and move in a year. but I am just so angry at myself for the chldhood stuff and at my parents and my situation, I am just barely making it, and isolating my self, its going on 6 plus years.......should I move..

[MrDuck]

I'm 24, i havent seen my dad since i was 16.

 

I dont feel guilty about it, not in the slightest.

He's my father, but not my dad, cause a dad dosent treat his son like that.

 

I dont hate him, or wish him ill, he loved the bottle more that he loved me and theres no point crying over it, its just the way it is. I feel sorry for him, but i cant fix him and he was such a negitive influence in my life that i dont want him in my sons life. Theres nothing there to salvage but im not cut up about it, its just the way it is.

 

Only you know whats right for you and right for your family...

 

As a kid i thought id been dealt a rough hand and that that gave me a right to idk be a jerk? Break the rules because life werent fair anyway. I liked to be centre of attention, all eyes on me!

I looked at my dad, and at the guys around me and i knew if i stayed there was only one direction my life would take... and i wantted more than that.

 

I didnt know if it was possible, i didnt know if there was more out there for me or if it was all someone elses dream, someone elses life.

But at the end of the day.. what have you really got to lose?

if your not happy anyway then there really isnt anything to be scared of. To f*** up, to make mistakes, i dont think thats the worst thing in life. I think the real injustice is to not even try, to settle.

 

I dont feel like theres any way back for me and the old man but everyone has there own set of circumstaces. There might be a way back for you and your dad, but the way i see it, only if you are coming at it as equals, only if its something you both want, and only if you meet him as the person you are not the person he wants you to be!

 

As for family above everything else.. i agree, but i dont believe its blood that makes family. The father figure i ever had was a man who had no reason to have to be any kind of dad to me. I'd of walked through fire for him! I never felt so proud as when he said he had 3 sons, not 2!

[Timshel]

Yes, I think you should move. Could your parents buy your portion of the house?

 

Two things: Move out at the least and if farther away is feasible and how/where you want to live your life, do so.

Second, do seek therapy for your depression and past abuse. A good therapist will act as a guide to navigate through past/current pain and facilitate cathartic perception/understanding.

 

Time apart is not being selfish or rebelling, it is coming into your own and embracing who you are beyond outdated and imposed familial roles.

 

When you are strong in your present self, your relationship with parents/family will be on your own terms and comfort. Past dynamics do need to be cast away and no longer serve as the foundation with which you perceive yourself.

 

Edit to add: My guess would be, the minute you are no longer living with your parents....you will feel much lighter.

Edited July 30, 2016 by Timshel

[Nowty V]

.......should I move..

 

I have moved, around the City I was born in and around the Country I live in. I found my issues/problem, which is in the same vein as yours, were just like a Snails shell, where I moved they came with me. I couldn't avoid my fractured self.

 

I became aware of the injury to my 'self' when I was 22, this is when I first encountered a Psychologist due to an unavoidable difficulty.

 

I am now 52 and am finally coming to an understanding and am beginning to achieve the the sense of peace and stability that has been elusive in my life.

 

I have accepted my parents could only achieve what their 'level of awareness' would allow them to do. They were good people and I love them. [they passed away 10 yr ago, its taken 42 yrs to get to this]

 

I was the youngest of 5 children, Mother was a stay at home Mum raising the family, Father was the breadwinner who worked manually within industry.

 

Dad lived by certain maxims, 'whoever paid the piper called the tune' and 'if you step out of line you're for it'

 

If I look back on my childhood I see myself as an old Black & White television set, if Dad didn't like the picture that was on he would bang the set till he got the picture he wanted.

 

Apart from the general aspects of life one must maintain, healthy diet, purpose, regular sleeping pattern. Two elements have been beneficial in my case.

 

1.] In later life I developed an interest in Muay Thai Boxing, I didn't want to fight but the workout was amazing, I trained 3 times a week and saw a real mental improvement after 6 months. This was something I did for myself and didn't involve any family members or friends.

 

2.] I sought out a therapist and worked on my abandonment issues.

 

I was sick of being the person I thought my society wanted me to be and worked toward the person I truly am.

 

It doesn't matter where your parents are on your road to recovery or what they pay for. If you have the means to achieve your 'self' it can only be good for you, and you are important.

[Tayla]

Re locating when in physical harms way can stop the current abuse. Sounds like you are carrying events from way back when. Healing in the Now is an alternate suggestion.

 

You seem to own your emotions which is a step. Outline your goals in stabilizing.

 

they say the victim becomes the aggressor....seems that holds true when dealing with social environments. Something to think about.

 

I pray that you can heal from this ....be at peace and love life....

[anika99]

You have posting about this situation for the past year, I hope you take some sort of action soon. I think you need to move away and that you could also benefit from some counselling to help you heal from the abuse you have suffered. I'm confused by why you keep trying to get your parents permission to travel. Is it because you are expecting them to pay for your expenses and financially support you while you are away? If not then just move already.

 

Your parents were awful to you and they are still awful, that's not going to change. Only you can make a change. If you are unable to maintain a job or support yourself due to the trauma of abuse the you should get some professional help right now. You have got to seperate yourself from your parents and get yourself financially independent from them. As long as you rely on them financially they will always have control over you.

[Woggle]

I don't have relationships with either one of my parents. My mother abused me and my father knew about it and told me to just let my mother get out her rage. I don't waste energy hating them anymore but I have accepted they will never change and I will not subject myself to my mother's abuse anymore. You should never feel guilty about cutting off an abuser.

[KittyKat67]

 

they say the victim becomes the aggressor....seems that holds true when dealing with social environments. Something to think about.

 

...

 

So does this mean I am the agressor now? I don't understand

[KittyKat67]

You have posting about this situation for the past year, I hope you take some sort of action soon. I think you need to move away and that you could also benefit from some counselling to help you heal from the abuse you have suffered. I'm confused by why you keep trying to get your parents permission to travel. Is it because you are expecting them to pay for your expenses and financially support you while you are away? If not then just move already.

 

Your parents were awful to you and they are still awful, that's not going to change. Only you can make a change. If you are unable to maintain a job or support yourself due to the trauma of abuse the you should get some professional help right now. You have got to seperate yourself from your parents and get yourself financially independent from them. As long as you rely on them financially they will always have control over you.

 

No I am not expecting them to pay a cent. I am fully capeable of supporting myself. That is not the problem. For one reason, up until recently I didn't reallly feel it was my right to move since my parents have financially helped me so much while living here to maintain this house. But after almost several years of this and I"m still not feeling good about living here, Its about my health and quality of life. It's hard for me to rationalize leaving when on paper I have everything here. But according to my therapist, I have some serious ptsd and has gotten pretty bad. You have to understand, as a form of control, my parents took away my self esteem so that they could have control. when you get disempowered and still feel that way towards them, its not as as it seems to do the right thing.

[Nowty V]

I don't understand

 

I think not but Tayla would have to confirm.

 

More along the lines of the student becomes the master IMO. It means the person who was learning something has become very very good at that thing.

 

If you take the right steps and heal the hurt you suffered from your parents [albeit good intentioned] oppression, you may rise above them.

 

After all it may be down to how you interpreted what was happening from age 0 to 5 yrs, and how you built on that going forward.

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mett%C4%81

 

Try and find some love within, it conquers fear

Edited July 30, 2016 by Nowty V

[Tayla]

So does this mean I am the agressor now? I don't understand

 

Its means that when reviewing current behavior or interactions, ( fights with co workers? Struggljng to keep a job) may deserve a second review,

 

I suffer from ptsd, i get how the flasbacks intercede in daily life interactions...managing thru here and now staves off the old behaviors or old coping mechanisms...

 

I sincerely wish you more peace....

[KittyKat67]

Its means that when reviewing current behavior or interactions, ( fights with co workers? Struggljng to keep a job) may deserve a second review,

 

I suffer from ptsd, i get how the flasbacks intercede in daily life interactions...managing thru here and now staves off the old behaviors or old coping mechanisms...

 

I sincerely wish you more peace....

 

ahh ok I understand. Actually looking back my anger was really bad and my energy and vibes I was giving off was not friendly. I am hypersensitive to mean people and well I guess when I give off bad vibes people are just responding to my vibration..I get that. Thats part of the reason I refused to work last year before I started therapy. I didn't feel healthy enough to interact with people.

Edited July 30, 2016 by KittyKat67

[DevotedBaker54]

The most important thing here should be your health! If your mental and emotional health is so bad that you cannot hold a job, then maybe moving isn't a bad idea. You won't be living close to your parents forever, and it sounds like you would be much happier and healthier away from them

Just take care of yourself and the rest will follow!

[KittyKat67]

The most important thing here should be your health! If your mental and emotional health is so bad that you cannot hold a job, then maybe moving isn't a bad idea. You won't be living close to your parents forever, and it sounds like you would be much happier and healthier away from them

Just take care of yourself and the rest will follow!

 

yes thank you for saying that, I just want to know what its like to live away from my parents and yes not beign able to function is definately a reason to consider moving

[KittyKat67]

UPDATE: I also went into early menopause late 20's. I have been really avoiding any type of hormone stuff but I can't function so today I got some hormones for the first time and I already feel better. I do believe that everything I wrote is true, but I also believe that my lack of resilliancy is due to the women thing..lol.....I'll update again in a month