When love turns to hate…

[mrs.peel]

I’ve been reading here long enough to know that there’s nothing remarkable about my affair- except for maybe the length. An embarrassingly long time ago I fell in love with a MM. The beginning was like most affairs- fun and exciting and intensely passionate. Unfortunately it was also marred by lies, which set the foundation for a toxic, damaging relationship that I’m afraid I may never recover from. I wish so much that I had ended it the moment I realized his nature. It would have saved me years of heartache, and probably my life would not have been ruined.

 

After all this time every good memory feels tainted and I can’t even look at pictures of him without feeling a little sick. I can finally say I’m almost over him- mostly I think he’s gross and I hate him.

 

However, it’s still difficult to let go. And I feel consumed by anger. What is painful is the realization that the great “love of my life” was a massive fraud. That the person I loved is just a run-of-the-mill creep. But like I said, I discovered his nature very early on. So even though I was duped- and probably used, I was a willing participant. Wtf is that all about?

 

I’m not sure why I’m posting. I just feel really broken and broke down and could use some support or advice on how to put myself back together. I’ve never suffered from a bad break-up before, and honestly don’t know move forward…

[MidnightBlue1980]

I’ve been reading here long enough to know that there’s nothing remarkable about my affair- except for maybe the length. An embarrassingly long time ago I fell in love with a MM. The beginning was like most affairs- fun and exciting and intensely passionate. Unfortunately it was also marred by lies, which set the foundation for a toxic, damaging relationship that I’m afraid I may never recover from. I wish so much that I had ended it the moment I realized his nature. It would have saved me years of heartache, and probably my life would not have been ruined.

 

After all this time every good memory feels tainted and I can’t even look at pictures of him without feeling a little sick. I can finally say I’m almost over him- mostly I think he’s gross and I hate him.

 

However, it’s still difficult to let go. And I feel consumed by anger. What is painful is the realization that the great “love of my life” was a massive fraud. That the person I loved is just a run-of-the-mill creep. But like I said, I discovered his nature very early on. So even though I was duped- and probably used, I was a willing participant. Wtf is that all about?

 

I’m not sure why I’m posting. I just feel really broken and broke down and could use some support or advice on how to put myself back together. I’ve never suffered from a bad break-up before, and honestly don’t know move forward…

 

Hi Peel. I could have written your post. I have also struggled with anger and many times went crazy on him. You move forward one day at a time and try not to go backwards. Think of him as an addiction, your drug of choice. Where are you in the A? Is it over or ongoing?

[13Hearts]

For me, the worst break-ups have been when I cannot wrap my head around what the other person has done. That is when it hurts the most and is hardest to let go. I think I become so enamored with the people I involve myself with that when they say "I love you," I think it means the same as how I feel. I think I have been wrong about this.

 

The best way for me to get over a bad break up is to refocus on me, my accomplishments, and my strengths. And do my best to figure out WTH is wrong with men. It always helps to talk with GFs about them.

 

Why do you feel your life is destroyed? How old are you?

 

I’ve been reading here long enough to know that there’s nothing remarkable about my affair- except for maybe the length. An embarrassingly long time ago I fell in love with a MM. The beginning was like most affairs- fun and exciting and intensely passionate. Unfortunately it was also marred by lies, which set the foundation for a toxic, damaging relationship that I’m afraid I may never recover from. I wish so much that I had ended it the moment I realized his nature. It would have saved me years of heartache, and probably my life would not have been ruined.

 

After all this time every good memory feels tainted and I can’t even look at pictures of him without feeling a little sick. I can finally say I’m almost over him- mostly I think he’s gross and I hate him.

 

However, it’s still difficult to let go. And I feel consumed by anger. What is painful is the realization that the great “love of my life” was a massive fraud. That the person I loved is just a run-of-the-mill creep. But like I said, I discovered his nature very early on. So even though I was duped- and probably used, I was a willing participant. Wtf is that all about?

 

I’m not sure why I’m posting. I just feel really broken and broke down and could use some support or advice on how to put myself back together. I’ve never suffered from a bad break-up before, and honestly don’t know move forward…

[MidnightBlue1980]

For me, the worst break-ups have been when I cannot wrap my head around what the other person has done. That is when it hurts the most and is hardest to let go. I think I become so enamored with the people I involve myself with that when they say "I love you," I think it means the same as how I feel. I think I have been wrong about this.

 

Yes. This. I've struggled for 7 months to understand why someone would say I love you but their behavior says the opposite. I just wrote a post on the destabilization thread. I don't want to hijack this thread.

 

To answer the question, to get over a breakup, 1. NC with him 2. No contact with anything that reminds me of him. 3. Time 4. Something new to focus on. Back when, that meant a new guy. Now, I made a big life change for my job. You need to majorly distract yourself. I have a friend who lost 70 lbs after her divorce and does all this exercise stuff.

[mrs.peel]

I’m old enough to know better- mid-40s. Gah. My life was destroyed because I lost almost everything- my career, friends, the respect of my family, my self-esteem, my sanity. My husband wanted us to move to get away, so I lost my beautiful house, my community.

 

I know I’m not a victim and did this to myself. I just f***ing want to get over him. :'(

[Poppy47]

Cheer up Mrs Peel,

 

I was like you for 8 years. I am now 13 weeks NC and recovering quickly. You will be too before long.

 

Best Wishes,

 

Poppy.

[Aliceislost]

How long was your A? Are you still married? Do you have children?

[mrs.peel]

It was almost a decade. However the last 2 years have been long-distance. I have teenage children. I'm still married, but it's rocky.

 

We've broken-up like 1,000 times before, but this time feels the most final. I don't feel love towards him anymore, and I'm tired of feel crazy. Plus he seems to be moving on..

[Satu]

From my journals:

 

 

After the affair

 

 

Learn to enjoy the ordinary.

 

Ordinary is good.

 

The intensity of affairs can be exciting, but they are something that happens on the periphery of the real. A big part of an affair is make believe, fantasy in motion; like living in a different dimension from everybody else.

 

Welcome back to the real world, where people are usually exactly what they appear to be.

 

Decompress.

 

 

Take care.

[mrs.peel]

Thank you everyone. I am feeling more calm...

 

I should clarify that I've known him about a decade. The affair didn't happen right away, but it did go on for too long.

[Aliceislost]

How much time has passed since your H found out?

 

Without being judgemental, why are you still with H apart from finances and children? You clearly don't love him

 

And I know this is a OW/OM thread, but when you say its a rocky marriage, what did you really expect? And are you doing anything to save the marriage?

Edited July 28, 2016 by Aliceislost

[mrs.peel]

You can judge me Alice. I know it's terrible.

 

I don't want to talk about my marriage so much as I'm still figuring that out. Mostly I need to purge myself of this horrible, toxic affair and get my mental health and life straightened-out. That's what I need advice on.

[Aliceislost]

I'm sure you'll get a lot of good advice here. But you are being very vague which doesn't help.

 

You could start by giving a bit of a background, how long ago you were discovered and what was the affair dynamic thats bothering you, what is happening in your life currently, etc

 

Flippant posts like "MM was a jerk. I hate him. Please help me" doesn't really generate any meaningful advice

[Satu]

You can judge me Alice. I know it's terrible.

 

I don't want to talk about my marriage so much as I'm still figuring that out. Mostly I need to purge myself of this horrible, toxic affair and get my mental health and life straightened-out. That's what I need advice on.

 

 

I'd like to put some questions to you. There are no right or wrong answers.

 

 

1. What is your desired outcome? What do you want to happen?

 

2. Can you describe what your life would be like if you reached that desired outcome?

 

3. How would you be relating to the people around you? How would they be relating to you? How would you feel? What would you be doing?

[mrs.peel]

I'm not meaning to be flippant. It's a hard balance between privacy issues and giving enough history for meaningful advice. I guess I was thinking that the backstory didn't matter so much since affairs seem to follow a general script. Plus I wrote the original post in a moment of desperation.

 

Here is some history..

 

I've been married for over 18 years. We got married early in our relationship because I was pregnant. I loved H and our family, but didn't actually want to get married. I told him that I couldn't vow fidelity and he understood. Another child and many years later I met MM. H knew him as well and honestly I thought our affair was pretty open. We were good friends and did lots of things together and didn't really hide it. I was totally addicted to MM and our dynamic was intensely passionate. Looking back, it was probably mostly about sex for him, although I'm sure he cared about me as a friend. I never liked being in an affair and it crushed me in a lot of ways. I tried to get out, especially when I discovered MM was up to some shady stuff with other women. I never really trusted him but he always reeled me back in. I'm not saying I was a victim at all- I'd like to get to the bottom of why I hated myself so I would do something that was clearly so damaging to me. A few years ago H and the kids discussed the idea of moving. This seemed like a good way out and an opportunity to start over. So we sold our house, packed-up, said goodbye to our friends, and moved across the country. After we moved, everything came out and to be honest I'm not entirely sure what will happen with H and I.

 

The move has been a very difficult adjustment and I'm currently not working. I've been very lonely and I tried to convince myself I could just be friends with MM. Things started seeming shady again on his end and I knew I couldn't put myself through the jealousy and insanity again so I ended it for good. I can't say I miss him exactly, but I do miss having someone to keep in touch with. I've tried for years to do that with H, but he isn't the best at communication. H is a great person and I seriously don't know why he puts up me. I'm pretty much a sh*t.

Edited July 28, 2016 by mrs.peel

[mrs.peel]

Good questions Satu.

 

My desired out come is to be happy, and indifferent to MM. Long-term, I would like to be financially independent with meaningful work and find love—maybe with H?

 

I’d like to have friends in my location, and feel like I belong to a community.

 

I want to grow-up, and not be selfish, and have my children respect me.

 

I want to stop crying so much.

[Aliceislost]

Well that answers some questions...

 

As Satu said, what is the objective you are looking for? Having an objective is key in such situations.

 

Another thing, no matter what keep NC. You said you want to sort mental state. If that is so thats the way to go. In this effort you could enlist someone as your accountability partner. Which bring me to second point, Individual Counseling. Because a counselor can act as your accountability partner. ASAP

 

How is your H doing?

 

Pardon me for asking it in your thread, but I'm a betrayed spouse so I will always have more sympathy for the betrayed

[Aliceislost]

And you said you told H that you can't vow fidelity and he understood. Does that mean you have a "don't ask don't tell" policy in your marriage?

[mrs.peel]

I'm sorry you were betrayed Alice. I don't really know how H is doing. He is generally a positive person and maybe not so in touch with his feelings. He was very hurt and angry in the beginning. I offered to leave. I think he's still not sure.

[mrs.peel]

And you said you told H that you can't vow fidelity and he understood. Does that mean you have a "don't ask don't tell" policy in your marriage?

 

I thought we did, but it turns out we didn't.

[Aliceislost]

I will not really understand how you can be so apathetic to your H but doesn't a part of you feel that you have some responsibility to help him heal?

 

You said you are lonely. Trying to help your H may prove to being an upside for you because then you will have something occupying your mind.

 

As they say, idle mind is devil's workshop

[mrs.peel]

I'm not apathetic. I think H and I just don't really know what we want to do yet. We are good friends, good family, good roommates, shared history, finances- all of that. It's a bit non-traditional and maybe things will change, but it's not a crisis that needs to be solved immediately.

[pooldog]

Give yourself a hug and a mulligan

 

Everyone wants love and sometimes something that looks like love is a big hole that traps you and doesn't give you real love and love that leads to marriage

 

It is just like buying the wrong dress

 

So don't think about what you lost because you can't lose what you didn't have but you can close this door and walk away quickly to meet the love of your life who is single

 

Enough one is now lost

[Satu]

*snip

 

The move has been a very difficult adjustment and *I'm currently not working. **I've been very lonely and I tried to convince myself I could just be friends with MM. Things started seeming shady again on his end and I knew I couldn't put myself through the jealousy and insanity again so I ended it for good. I can't say I miss him exactly, but ***I do miss having someone to keep in touch with. ****I've tried for years to do that with H, but he isn't the best at communication. H is a great person and I seriously don't know why he puts up me. I'm pretty much a sh*t.

 

From your answers to my questions and other comments you've made, I think you have a lack of people in your life, and you don't have enough sources of satisfaction in your daily existence.

 

You need a friend or two, at least.

 

You need a couple of people who like you just because you're you.

 

I'm sure your husband fulfils some of your needs, but thats not enough.

 

I get the feeling that you're emotionally deprived and isolated.

 

I also get the feeling that you've been in this situation for a long time.

 

 

There are things you can do to help yourself. Here are a few starter ideas to think about. They sound a bit simplistic, but if you do them, they will make your life more enjoyable:

 

 

5 steps to wellbeing

 

Connect - connect with the people around you: your family, friends, colleagues and neighbours. Spend time developing these relationships.

 

Be active – you don't have to go to the gym. Find the activity that you enjoy and make it a part of your life.

 

Keep learning – learning new skills can give you a sense of achievement and a new confidence. So why not sign up for that cooking course, start learning to play a musical instrument, or figure out how to fix your bike?

 

Give to others – even the smallest act can count, whether it's a smile, a thank you or a kind word. Larger acts, such as volunteering at your local community centre, can improve your mental wellbeing and help you build new social networks.

 

Be mindful – be more aware of the present moment, including your feelings and thoughts, your body and the world around you. Some people call this awareness "mindfulness", and it can positively change the way you feel about life and how you approach challenges.

 

Source here.

 

 

All of the above involve you interacting with other people in a healthy way.

 

I honestly think thats what you need.

 

 

There is a self-assessment that you can do here. I recommend it.

 

 

You're not "pretty much a sh*t." by the way.

 

 

Take care.

[ladydesigner]

(((mrs.peel))) the way to get over this MM is to end the contact and tell him no more, not even friends. Friendship allows hope and I don't think that is what you are looking for.

 

Try to replace your addiction to MM with a new healthier one! Maybe join a meet up group and meet some new friends and getting involved in the community. There is a whole world out there for you to find your happiness! Focus on healing You! Happiness can never be found in someone else!