Met up and got closure, BUT ex is not sure [updated 2016-08-08]

[Bialy]

And I'm hurting. I'm not grieving so hard. We never lived together and our final year we basically were platonic, but very affectionate and loving because it just didn't feel right to me. Over the years, I was hesitant to take our relationship seriously for many reasons. We stopped talking for about a couple months recently.

 

We started texting again a month ago and he told me he's finally moving into his own house. No more renting, actual home ownership. Then I learned he was dating someone that final year we were in a grey area, but he never told me. He would always accuse me of seeing someone, but I wasn't... Now I realize he was projecting this on me. He was the one actually seeing someone.

 

THIS HURTS.

 

And she may be moving in with him too, he has told me via text tonight. I feel love for this man... This really hurts and there are things that could have been handled differently on my part, but this was my first real relationship, so I screwe up. I'm 34.

 

Tonight in text, I told him that I feel happiness for him, but that this is a tremendous loss and it hurts so hard to learn all of this via text. There's a place in my heart for him and I am always here for him no matter what. I said all this.

 

Then he wrote: "I'm sorry. I wish it could have been you ."

 

Please someone help me understand this. Has anyone been told something like this? I think he's just softening the blow of all of this. He had been seeing this woman for about 6 months now.

Edited July 14, 2016 by Bialy

[whatnot]

I'm sorry you're hurting Bialy. My ex girlfriend (6-7 yrs) used to accuse me of dating every woman in my state...and even some from outta state. She was so accusatory I often wondered the same thing..."How could ANYONE be this distrustful? "

 

(I'd never experienced anything even remotely close to it before in my life).

 

Yes...i believe we tend to view others as we see ourselves. If we're honest...we tend to belive others are as well. If we're faithful we tend to project that as well. If we're dishonest...we tend to be live others are as well.

 

As to the note. To be blunt (I'm sorry Bialy)...but it's not true. If he wishes it were you it would be you.

 

Trying to make sense of things is a part of our journey. It's a part of the process. But all the figuring in the world will not give you what you truly want. For things to be different.

 

I'm so sorry.

 

Take care of yourself Bialy. And...i mean this in the most literal of ways. Take care of you. Be good to you.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Two things:

 

We never lived together and our final year we basically were platonic, but very affectionate and loving because it just didn't feel right to me. Over the years, I was hesitant to take our relationship seriously for many reasons. We stopped talking for about a couple months recently.

 

You may not want to share the reasons here publicly but if they were reasons that where legitimately his shortcomings that had you hesitant to spend the future with him and then he straightened those things out while you were apart that is one thing.

 

If you didn't want to take the relationship to the next step because you just weren't in love or you were confused about how you felt then he did the one thing he had no choice but to do and that was to move on with his life.

 

I can see that the shock of him seeing someone during that time still hurts but you were in a limbo situation fully knowing you didn't fully want him.

 

Then he wrote: "I'm sorry. I wish it could have been you ."

 

Please someone help me understand this. Has anyone been told something like this? I think he's just softening the blow of all of this. He had been seeing this woman for about 6 months now.

 

In that case I think he is sincere that he would have wanted this to be you and not the new girl, but you didn't want him.

 

Sorry if this sounds off but without knowing why you didn't want to move forward with him it's hard to gauge the situation.

[Bialy]

Thanks, folks! Both of you make really good observations. I'm thankful for your comments.

 

WhatNot - you are right. I'm going to take care of me and try to move past this as best I can, and not let the details get to me.

 

Sunkissedpatio - For 5-6 years, he had been trying to be with me seriously and make it work and stuck it out longer than any man would have, honestly. I feel bad because he was trying his best. I do believe that he is sincere when he wishes it was me, reflecting a bit more with your comment. He had been trying for years.

 

And now he has found someone that he has been seeing long enough to consider allowing moving into his new home. From what I gather, they have been dating for about 7 months, possibly a bit longer than that. That's the part that hurts the most.

 

I will make it out of this funk. Digesting these details is the hardest part.

[ExpatInItaly]

Two things:

 

 

 

You may not want to share the reasons here publicly but if they were reasons that where legitimately his shortcomings that had you hesitant to spend the future with him and then he straightened those things out while you were apart that is one thing.

 

If you didn't want to take the relationship to the next step because you just weren't in love or you were confused about how you felt then he did the one thing he had no choice but to do and that was to move on with his life.

I can see that the shock of him seeing someone during that time still hurts but you were in a limbo situation fully knowing you didn't fully want him.

 

 

 

In that case I think he is sincere that he would have wanted this to be you and not the new girl, but you didn't want him.

 

Sorry if this sounds off but without knowing why you didn't want to move forward with him it's hard to gauge the situation.

 

All of this.

 

OP, I am sorry you are hurting. I don't think he did anything with a malicious intention, but based on your description, he tried for a long time and finally saw the writing on the wall. You didn't want to be with him.

 

Now, it's time for you to heal. It won't be easy but you need to go No Contact so you can really let go of him and take steps in moving on yourself.

[Bialy]

Thanks, expat. I really appreciate the feedback. I wish I had posted this thread last week when I was overly emotional and feeling an even greater deal of loss.

 

For 6 years, we were not connected on Facebook. That was my choice. I didn't want our mutual friends to know we had been seeing each other and in regular communication.

 

Well, after we had our say via text four days ago, and I told him how I'm happy for him, but this is very hard for me, regardless. I really do love and care for him as a person.

 

Then he sent me a Facebook friend request. I was shocked. I was even more shocked that I accepted. Now I regret it a bit. We're both not active FB users, so it's not a big deal, but I feel like it's his way of keeping tabs on me. And I guess that's what I'm doing too.

 

That life chapter over. New one begins now. Feeling much better with each day.

[Rupert]

Bialy,

 

This is very similar to my relationship on so many levels. I am similar age as you, and we could not take the next step with my ex. We were in limbo as well for a long period of time

 

We also were very affectionate in our late months, but also was very platonic. She tied the being platonic to not being desired, which wasn't the case, but I can understand why.

 

I am now here grieving just like everyone else.

 

Stop texting and feeding him. You need to let it go. LET IT GO. Stop contacting him. He loves you, there is no doubt, but your not the right one (the right one is out there)

[Bialy]

Thanks, Rupert. I'm on Day 2 of NC. I've got the closure I need, which helps.

 

Tomorrow is Day 3 - each day will get better.

[Bialy]

Day 4 of NC. It's morning here right now. And I was feeling good. I grab my iPhone and start browsing my apps like I always do.

 

I notice that he removed me as a FitBit friend... It's insane how something so minor can change an entire mood. We had been connected to it for a couple years. I noticed that he added the new woman in his life about a week ago.

 

This makes me wonder if after years of us not being connected on FB, and then he suddenly added me last Monday, if he regrets that.

 

Some days are better than other days. It's crazy how emotions are so heightened even for very minor things.

 

I think I'm going to use this thread to occasionally chronicle these changes and how I'm feeling.

[Rupert]

I got you. Keep pushing. I just walked my dog, and like always, in my head I keep double thinking stuff.

 

I really want to text her right now just asking for her to take time and talk about it again with me go counseling etc. I am fighting with tooth and nail. I think I may cave.

[Bialy]

I got you. Keep pushing. I just walked my dog, and like always, in my head I keep double thinking stuff.

 

I really want to text her right now just asking for her to take time and talk about it again with me go counseling etc. I am fighting with tooth and nail. I think I may cave.

 

Same here. I literally had the same thought. The last time I saw him was over a month ago. I was extremely tempted to reach out and ask for face-to-face closure today.

 

I'm glad I didn't shoot him a message about that. A friend told me there's nothing else that needs to be discussed... He's moved on and this "off-and-on again relationship" was over so long ago that there isn't any need to discuss. My friend said it would be awkward and weak. In her words, "there's nothing left to talk about..."

[SevenCity]

Day 4 of NC. It's morning here right now. And I was feeling good. I grab my iPhone and start browsing my apps like I always do.

 

I notice that he removed me as a FitBit friend... It's insane how something so minor can change an entire mood. We had been connected to it for a couple years. I noticed that he added the new woman in his life about a week ago.

 

This makes me wonder if after years of us not being connected on FB, and then he suddenly added me last Monday, if he regrets that.

 

Some days are better than other days. It's crazy how emotions are so heightened even for very minor things.

 

I think I'm going to use this thread to occasionally chronicle these changes and how I'm feeling.

 

I always find it amazing how normal people like you or I turn completely crazy analyzing and over analyzing every move of someone who broke our hearts. It's like you become a forensic detective reading into every minuet detail looking for answers.

 

I guess that's why people are such a big fan of NC.

 

Just know that you are not alone. Hang in there.

[Bialy]

Day 6 of NC. Feeling okay. Way better than yesterday. I'm trying to break out of the habit of thinking about him in a positive light. If the relationship was good, I wouldn't have kept us in a grey area for so many years.

 

So, I'm basically reminding myself of all of the bad times and mixed feelings I had over the years. It has been helping. I woke up this morning in a pretty good mood.

 

I'm so curious about what's going on in his life. Absurdly curious. I'm planning on going on a couple short vacation trips in August to switch things up and enjoy my own summer instead of wondering about his.

[Bialy]

This is so freakin' hard! Y'know, if my ex was just dating someone randomly, that would be one thing.

 

But I think this might end up being the person he spends the rest of his life with. This is HARD

 

I know it shouldn't matter at this point, but this is icing on the cake of this breakup. I'm trying to be positive because I've always told myself that I consider him a friend, even if we may not see each other --- and that would mean being happy for him no matter what.

 

It's tough when someone moves on -- especially when that someone told you they were in love with you and were their world... I really never thought this day would come I always thought he'd always be there. I was definitely selfish for thinking that.

 

 

Ugh!!!!!!!!!! I always thought that at the very least we'd be friends, y'know? That he wouldn't shut me out. But he did because obviously his current relationship is significant. I realize how much I depended on him for emotional support.

 

I regret how callously I treated him that final year. I took his love for granted I can't stress this enough. This sucks.

 

Tomorrow is a new day and I hope these feelings subside after my gym class tomorrow. I'm actively looking for volunteering and new social activities in my area to keep my mind distracted.

[Belle88]

I literally have been going through the same thing even though I have moved on and have a boyfriend. I think it's hard when you imagine your life with someone then they end up with someone else. I kept thinking...this could be the girl that he marries or has babies with. It's so hard

[Bialy]

Absolutely!!!

 

I'm trying to find my sliver of peace. My family, of course, knows that I'll weather this storm and will find my happiness like he has with this woman. I'm predicting the worst - that I won't. at least I'll never find someone as head over heals in love with me as he was.

 

I'd be lying if I said that I wish I could try again with him. But that ship has sailed and I'm sticking to NC for sanity's sake.

 

It just doesn't help the healing process that he sent me very loving texts in return, leading up to NC.

 

"I love you very much too. "

"ill always love you deeply as well. You are and always will be one of my favorite people. "

[serendipity90]

I know how you feel.. I can relate.

 

My ex seems to pick girls with mental health issues and his new gf has similar issues to him so he feels he can relate to her more. He also told me they have a lot in common in both liking art and being quite similar.

 

Time will tell I guess. I'm trying not to think about it too much. What will be will be.

[Bialy]

"What will be will be" --- perfect phrase for this!

[juniorrocha]

Well, you said you wouldn't like to try with him again. Use that thought to fully move on.

 

You're pessimistic about your life, too. Who said no one else will really love you again? Obviously it's not going to be the way he did, 'cause each one is unique, but there are so many people out there, you could find someone who actually loves you even more!

 

Just be patient and take your time. You'll find someone to love you (and for you to love) when you least expect it to happen.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Bialy it is so soon for you, you JUST broke up and you were together for 7 years. That is no flash in the pan relationship. It takes time to get over the sudden change of having your best friend and lover out of your life of 7 years!!

 

This notion that people expect others to be over what they feel at any give time. I mean we are all different and we all feel the loss of a relationship for different lengths of time. We don't just shut down and move on, well some do, but some don't.

 

I know how you feel though. I too still have my days and it has been a month and half for me and he has moved on, he left me for someone else. We were engaged. It's hard it's really hard. And all the hopes and dreams that you have is so hard to let go of as well. Even if you adhere to all the "rules" post-breakup, it still majorly hurts and there are days where everything feels so pointless.

 

Ha! I was feeling pretty great the past few weeks and decided to go check out an online dating site last weekend just to see what's out there and boy was that EVER a mistake. I was turned off instantly by all the guys on there, was constantly comparing to my ex and just realized I am SO NOT ready to be doing that so I aborted mission as soon as it started to feel "icky" But I was left with this big empty feel and yearning for my ex I hadn't felt in a while and been dreaming about him constantly and really REALLY wished I hadn't done that.

 

So I know how you feel about seeing the future is dismal.

 

Just recognize your heart is still closed off and the negative thoughts are a product of that, not a reflection on reality and what's in store for you in the future.

[Bialy]

Thanks all! You've given me more perspective on this.

 

Some days I feel solid. Then I have days like yesterday that make me feel completely out of sorts.

 

I know things will get better and subside - someone invent a time machine because I want to fast forward out of this topsy turvy phase of this!!!

[DanH]

Sunkissedpatio, that sums up exactly how I feel too.

 

6.5 years just finished...

(well, I just realised it was 5 weeks today she told me we are over. I continued to give space and hope for another 2.5.... okay still am really )

 

i still feel wretched. In fact I've just been prescribed beta blockers for the anxiety on top of the anti depressants I had last week.

 

She was to be my wife first week of September, but a fortnight after telling me that, maximum I had this text how she was "just starting seeing sum1"

I suspect that text to have been very carefully worded and in effect I've been dumped for someone else. Whilst having been deflected other reasons...

( " you kept me waiting too long Dan..." the one has me scratching my head the most )

 

I'm amazed at the clarity you're able to bring here already. I don't think I've truly even accepted it's over yet.

[DanH]

..Oh yes and if one more of my friends (male or female) tells me to hit the dating sites and "shag around"... I may well scream.

[Bialy]

I'm really sorry to read this, Dan! Heart-wrenching.

[asphyxis]

It's hard. I've been told he's interested in other women already and I've seen him make responses on how I was no good for him. It's a terrible feeling knowing just a few days prior to the break up, even though things were rocky, we still talked. And absolutely, this was a guy I was planning my life with. "You were the person I wanted to spend my life with, I would be so honored". How do you do from meaning everything to them walking out like you're just some ordinary person? I get that I had made mistakes, but I'm human. (Nothing cheating wise) I feel like the love of my life just walked away and it sucks.