Met up and got closure, BUT ex is not sure [updated 2016-08-08]

[SevenCity]

SevenCity --- I never said I wanted him back when I met him for closure. He's the one expressed interest and desire to try again.

 

HE brought it up --- and yes, I'd be open to trying again because I'm more committed now than ever. I know his worth and I appreciate it 1000%. I wasn't the best girlfriend in the past --- I learned hard lessons.

 

I bring a lot to the table. If we meet on Sunday and he says he's unsure, THAT'S FINE! I was ready to continue on my original path of staying active and doing activities this summer through autumn.

 

NOTE: For the final 5 years of our "relationship" - it was open and I was dating other people. But he was desperate to stay in my life, so I would see him regularly during these past years. He was sick to his stomach about that, but he said he loved me too much and was hoping I'd wake up and see that he is committed to me.

 

In the past, I was the callous ******* in our relationship. I am willing to admit that. I HAVE CHANGED! Evolved. I have a clear focus and vision and I'm taking risks in love now that I would have never done before.

 

Hold on there. Let me reference a previous post:

 

 

Things I Discussed

-The positive memories of our relationship

-His impact on my life

-How I love him no matter what

-The hard lessons I learned

-My takeaways (#1 I will take more risks in love)

 

This is like going to a restaurant and saying "This was the best burger I've ever had, it had a lasting impact on my life, I realize I didn't tip well but I've learned and won't make that same mistake in the future".

 

I think anyone can infer that you want another burger

 

So you may not have explicitly stated "I want you back" but you sure led him to that conclusion. Let's call a spade a spade here.

 

In the past you had an "open" relationship where only you dated other people and kept him stringing along? To me that sounds like he was ok with you cheating in hopes you would come back one day.

 

This all sounds like your "Grass is greener" failed miserably and you now want what you had because you didn't find anything better.

 

Say you met the perfect guy - do you really think you would be speaking to him now? Honestly?

 

I am skeptical that you made a 180 and realized he is the one. My fear is that you will date him for a while and everything will be great then your grass is greener ideas will pop back into your head and you would have ruined him (again) and a relationship in the process.

 

Before you decide on giving it another shot, answer these questions:

1) Are you ready for marriage with him?

2) Are you ready to be the mother to his two children?

3) Are you willing to stay in a crappy house with him if things get bad?

4) If you meet the perfect guy are you going to regret being with him?

 

As much as you seem to be hurting (again, it feels more like your ego than your heart), imagine what you would do to this guy if you pulled the same crapola again.

 

I'm more worried for him than you. I wish you luck.

[LD1990]

Hold on a minute. In your first post about this, you said:

 

Then I learned he was dating someone that final year we were in a grey area, but he never told me. He would always accuse me of seeing someone, but I wasn't... Now I realize he was projecting this on me. He was the one actually seeing someone.

 

Now you're saying you two were in an open relationship and you were seeing other people. So all that pain you felt when you found out he had met someone new, was basically how he felt for the past 5 years as you dated other men.

 

You're lying to yourself if you think this is some big evolution and suddenly you're in love. You had 7 years with this guy where you kept your options open, where you two weren't even Facebook friends so people wouldn't think you two were together.

 

Suddenly, you find out there's a new woman in his life, and now you've learned to appreciate everything about him? Now you want a second chance at love? You're not in love with him, you love knowing that he loves you. Let's look at the timeline:

-You two are together, but not really. You're fine with that.

-He tells you he's with someone new and she may move in with him. Suddenly, you're in pain about the loss of the guy you hadn't even been that romantic with for the past year.

-You meet for closure. He tells you how much better you are than his new girlfriend. No more pain, you feel awesome and hey, if he wants to get back together sure, but either way you're fine.

 

When you love someone, it doesn't take 7 years to figure it out. It's gonna bite you in the ass, because there are two paths if you continue these little meetups:

1. You two get back together and you realize in a couple months that you don't actually love him. Total waste of time.

2. He decides two girlfriends are better than one and keeps both of you around.

[Bialy]

Oy!

 

Guys, please take my word for it. I seriously have always loved him and it took me 7 months of minimal contact to grow as a person and recognize why he was pushing so hard for us to be a couple for so long. He's a good man.

 

There's a chance that he may not even want to pursue "us" again. I'll know on Sunday. We are going to talk.

 

We have a solid foundation and my heart is open to give it my all and share my life with him completely. I am NOT in this to half ass it.

 

I've learned from my mistakes and I'm taking risks.

 

The old me would never have contemplated a real chance to build something with him. I'm excited and I am at a different frame of mind.

Edited July 29, 2016 by Bialy

[Bialy]

How else can I demonstrate and stress this? How much more can I prove this?

[Bialy]

Say you met the perfect guy - do you really think you would be speaking to him now? Honestly?

 

I'll never meet the perfect guy because this is real life. No such thing as perfection.

 

I've learned relationships are about physical and emotional compatibility and commitment --- and making sacrifices when need be because nothing and no one is perfect.

 

I'm definitely not perfect.

[Bialy]

Before you decide on giving it another shot, answer these questions:

1) Are you ready for marriage with him?

2) Are you ready to be the mother to his two children?

3) Are you willing to stay in a crappy house with him if things get bad?

4) If you meet the perfect guy are you going to regret being with him?

 

Yes, I want to spend the rest of my life with him.

 

His 17 year old and 14 year old don't need a mother. They have a very involved mother and he sees them every other weekend. At most, we'll be doing activities together. The kids are already at a point where they want to spend time with their friends than their parents.

 

He no longer lives in that awful house. Even his kids hated it. Even HE hated it! LOL. He stayed there for 6 years because it was close to work and he was putting a house on standby while he continued to build up his career.

[SevenCity]

How else can I demonstrate and stress this? How much more can I prove this?

 

I think it is tough for us to swallow because people don't do that. They do, however, seem to fall magically in love with someone they can't have.

 

The fact that you went into this just seeking closure and didn't seem to care if you got back together or not in the post after you met up speaks volumes. You should listen.

 

If you went in with the intent to get him back that would be different.

 

What love chance did you take? He proposed the reconciliation and left the ball in your court. You were not vulnerable- he was.

 

Let me reference my situation. I broke up with my gf of 7 years (long story). I love her and want to marry her - I always have. For the past two months I've been doing everything in my power to show her how I've changed and how we deserve a second chance. For the first three weeks she was heartbroken and angry and I got no effort from her. I persisted and things have gotten more positive but I'm not there yet and may never be.

 

Meanwhile, I've pretty much put my life on hold waiting for her decision. I've never done this before because I never wanted to. Nor will I ever do this again. She may not be perfect but WE are.

 

That, is wanting someone back. I've suffered for two months, lost 20 lbs, and have been a wreck. It would have been easier to move on.

 

I just want you to see the difference between REALLY wanting someone back and wanting them back because you can't have them. I've had that situation as well so I know the difference.

 

The ego is powerful and can make you think you love someone when you don't. You might not even be able to tell the difference. It's only once you get them back you'll know.

 

I hope for both your sake's your feelings are true.

[Bialy]

I wish we all lived in the same area! If you met me in person, you'd understand that my feelings are genuine and sincere. It's hard to breakdown 7 years of time with someone.

 

I'm so excited at the possibility of building a strong life with him. When I met with him a few days ago, I was preparing for him to tell me he was engaged --- not that he wants to try again and that I'm the one he's ever wanted.

 

I have to keep my expectations low for Sunday because I don't want to get hurt myself -- that's why I continue to reiterate that I love him no matter what --- if he decides he does not want to get back together again --- I understand and respect that --- he has a lot on his plate and is probably wracking his brain and speaking to friends and family about this.

[SevenCity]

I wish we did too. I think a meetup would be good for a lot of us!

 

 

I hope things work out for you and him. Having had my heart torn out by women I tend to be sensitive to these types of things.

 

Funny thing about me, if my ex had anyone else I would drop it faster than you can imagine. It's funny how it doesn't bother some people or worse makes them want the ex more. For me, once they have someone else I lose all desire and am turned off. And I'm not a jealous person at all - it's something else about it.

[BC1980]

I wish we all lived in the same area! If you met me in person, you'd understand that my feelings are genuine and sincere. It's hard to breakdown 7 years of time with someone.

 

I'm so excited at the possibility of building a strong life with him. When I met with him a few days ago, I was preparing for him to tell me he was engaged --- not that he wants to try again and that I'm the one he's ever wanted.

 

I have to keep my expectations low for Sunday because I don't want to get hurt myself -- that's why I continue to reiterate that I love him no matter what --- if he decides he does not want to get back together again --- I understand and respect that --- he has a lot on his plate and is probably wracking his brain and speaking to friends and family about this.

 

I think your emotions are genuine, but I wonder how long they will last. Like someone else said, you don't suddenly decide you want a future with someone after being ambivalent for 7 years. At least, it isn't likely. Someone on this forum once wrote that the most attractive guy or gal is the one driving away. Your feelings might change once you get him, and reality sets in. But I know you will need to experience it for yourself, which is fine.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Again, I have to agree with what Seven is saying as well as the others, which is why I asked you all those questions.

 

It isn't that I don't believe your feelings are genuine right now, but I wonder if those feelings are in the right place? Like I said before, I wonder if once the novelty of getting back together passes all those old insecurities about the relationship won't creep back up.

 

Having said all that, I am trying really hard not to do what some posters did to me with my situation when I first came here and that is to project my own experiences on you based on limited information posted here. I've said this once and I'll say it a million times more each situation is far more dynamic and complex than the few issues we share here.

 

My observation in this case has been that you don't seem like someone who is love/heart broken and feeling like you lost the love of your life, which is totally believable that could happen after some time apart. It's like you said Bialy, if we could meet in person and talk about this face to face we might be able to get a better sense of things and you.

 

Just because you don't seem all that demonstrative in terms of having lost your true love doesn't mean you aren't feeling that. You could be the type of person that is just less demonstrative in how you express yourself so I don't want to fall into that judgy pattern of projecting my expectations based solely on what I know, onto you.

 

Also, you said this was your first grown up serious relationship so your inexperience combined with the fact he is a lot older and already did all the things ahead of you leads me to think maybe it was part of the learning curve for you.

 

Funny thing about me, if my ex had anyone else I would drop it faster than you can imagine. It's funny how it doesn't bother some people or worse makes them want the ex more. For me, once they have someone else I lose all desire and am turned off.

 

I'm the exact same way!! But in this case we have already seen that Bialy and her man made their own unconventional rules for their relationship so what might apply to us may not necessarily work for them.

 

I liked the comment about the ego vs love. That is so true.

[Bialy]

Yeah, if I could give one of you my cell number to discuss, you would understand so much better.

[Sunkissedpatio]

It's not about us or our opinions it is about you and really thinking this through and knowing in your heart deep deep down he is the man you want to be with for the rest of your life, warts and all....Because if there is any doubt in you at all the best and most honourable thing you can do is not lead this guy on anymore and let him get on with his life.

 

You owe it to yourself too.

[Bialy]

I don't have any doubt. I'm more confident now than in my entire life. He's not someone I met a few months ago. I've known him for 8 years.

 

I couldn't feel more good about this possibility at a second chance at building a solid relationship. I just hope that he wants me now as much as I want this so much.

 

I have a stable career, I am ready to be his EVERYTHING. He's older than me and I don't care. I would love him until our final days if he gave me a chance to make him happy. I'll take care of him. He is a wonderful, loving man - NOT perfect and can be very insecure. But who isn't?

 

I didn't want to go into these details like this to prove myself to forum members because I'm trying to keep my expectations low for Sunday. I wanted to keep this inner excitement to myself until I know how he feels and what he has been thinking about these past few days.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Fair enough! I wish you all the best and really hope he wants the same things and you can both salvage things.

 

I love it when people reconcile around here.

[LD1990]

All these declarations of your undying love for him would be a bit more heartwarming if you weren't going on a date with a guy who has a serious girlfriend.

 

You're not the one who's cheating here. But you know that he lives with his girlfriend. You know that she's planning to meet his mother, and her family is planning to come for Thanksgiving. And you suspect that he's not being upfront with you about how serious their relationship is.

 

He suggested going on a bike ride and seeing Star Trek. Call it a "talk" all you want, but you two already had one of those. This is a date. Do you think his girlfriend would be cool with it, or the messages he has been sending you?

 

He's disrespecting his girlfriend here. Now, that's not really your concern, but karma has a way of biting people in the ass for stuff like this.

[SevenCity]

I don't have any doubt. I'm more confident now than in my entire life. He's not someone I met a few months ago. I've known him for 8 years.

 

I couldn't feel more good about this possibility at a second chance at building a solid relationship. I just hope that he wants me now as much as I want this so much.

 

I have a stable career, I am ready to be his EVERYTHING. He's older than me and I don't care. I would love him until our final days if he gave me a chance to make him happy. I'll take care of him. He is a wonderful, loving man - NOT perfect and can be very insecure. But who isn't?

 

I didn't want to go into these details like this to prove myself to forum members because I'm trying to keep my expectations low for Sunday. I wanted to keep this inner excitement to myself until I know how he feels and what he has been thinking about these past few days.

 

I know that excitement of seeing a lost lover. I can imagine this will be a long couple of days until your meetup happens.

 

I'm rooting for you. I really hope this works out and you both find the happiness that you deserve.

 

His gf will get hurt in the process but it will be better for her in the long run.

 

Please keep us posted how it goes.

[BC1980]

All these declarations of your undying love for him would be a bit more heartwarming if you weren't going on a date with a guy who has a serious girlfriend.

 

You're not the one who's cheating here. But you know that he lives with his girlfriend. You know that she's planning to meet his mother, and her family is planning to come for Thanksgiving. And you suspect that he's not being upfront with you about how serious their relationship is.

 

He suggested going on a bike ride and seeing Star Trek. Call it a "talk" all you want, but you two already had one of those. This is a date. Do you think his girlfriend would be cool with it, or the messages he has been sending you?

 

He's disrespecting his girlfriend here. Now, that's not really your concern, but karma has a way of biting people in the ass for stuff like this.

 

This is also something I can't wrap my mind around. A guy who would do this to his GF. It's disgusting behavior quite honestly. To actually ask a woman to move in with you and make plans that seem to cement a future. Then, to go behind this woman's back and go on a date with his ex to discuss a possible future. It's coldhearted and speaks volumes about his character.

[Densel]

You are allowing him to be wishy washy.

 

You are going to watch movie with him??

 

Goodness. Fancy watching movie and then proceed to talk about relationship status. This is ironic.

 

Do you even know what you are doing?

[ExpatInItaly]

Good grief. OP, you are in dire need of a reality check.

 

This ex of yours is a low-quality man. I don't know about you, but I only go on dates and discuss relationship potential with men who are, you know, single. His behavior here is reprehensible and he would not have a chance with me.

 

it's a pity you don't have higher standards for yourself.

 

I have to add - what on earth are you thinking participating in this? To knowingly involve yourself with a man who isn't single speaks very poorly of your character too. Why are you allowing yourself to behave like this?

[Trinity_84]

One of the things that stand out to me was that OP keeps talking about her ex's living situation (that one of her red flags was his crappy house and that he's moved out now so it's all good.)

 

What if **** goes bad for him and he has to move back into that crappy house again??? Would she stand by him?

 

Doubtful.

 

I dunno, the red flags read very superficial to me. Perhaps we're not getting the whole picture.

 

I wish both the best but it does seem like "grass is greener gone wrong" syndrome.

[mg101]

I think it is tough for us to swallow because people don't do that. They do, however, seem to fall magically in love with someone they can't have.

 

The fact that you went into this just seeking closure and didn't seem to care if you got back together or not in the post after you met up speaks volumes. You should listen.

 

If you went in with the intent to get him back that would be different.

 

What love chance did you take? He proposed the reconciliation and left the ball in your court. You were not vulnerable- he was.

 

Let me reference my situation. I broke up with my gf of 7 years (long story). I love her and want to marry her - I always have. For the past two months I've been doing everything in my power to show her how I've changed and how we deserve a second chance. For the first three weeks she was heartbroken and angry and I got no effort from her. I persisted and things have gotten more positive but I'm not there yet and may never be.

 

Meanwhile, I've pretty much put my life on hold waiting for her decision. I've never done this before because I never wanted to. Nor will I ever do this again. She may not be perfect but WE are.

 

That, is wanting someone back. I've suffered for two months, lost 20 lbs, and have been a wreck. It would have been easier to move on.

 

I just want you to see the difference between REALLY wanting someone back and wanting them back because you can't have them. I've had that situation as well so I know the difference.

 

The ego is powerful and can make you think you love someone when you don't. You might not even be able to tell the difference. It's only once you get them back you'll know.

 

I hope for both your sake's your feelings are true.

 

 

Can you elaborate? I'd really like to hear the difference you noticed from a man's perspective and details on how exactly you've been working to show you changed. Thanks.

[SevenCity]

Can you elaborate? I'd really like to hear the difference you noticed from a man's perspective and details on how exactly you've been working to show you changed. Thanks.

 

 

Let me see if I can pm you later.

[Bialy]

Everyone please relax.

 

1- I have not deconstructed my entire time with him. This is extremely complex and if you knew more, I know your perspectives would change. I've been trying to give some insights, but it's not nearly the entire picture for everyone to become extremely judgemental.

 

2- Before I joined this forum, up to today, I have been very reflective about the past, present, and future. I have written all of the positives and negatives of the last 8 years of my life. I've written down my present and future goals. I have written down how I've changed and my outlook on life has changed.

 

3- Someone made the comment that why it should matter that his previous home was in bad condition. He was having a difficult time living in a 2 bedroom place with his two children and visiting relatives. He wanted to change that. It was a big goal for him to settle into a new place. I was so proud of him when I learned he took that step. I don't understand why this isn't something to be proud of.

 

4- We are not having sex. We have not had sex since December 2015. I have no intention of having sex with him.

 

5- Tomorrow we are meeting at noon to talk.

[SevenCity]

Can you elaborate? I'd really like to hear the difference you noticed from a man's perspective and details on how exactly you've been working to show you changed. Thanks.

 

Looks like I can't pm. See if you can send me a pm and maybe I can reply. I would be happy to elaborate via email if you send me your address (I don't want to post mine here)