Met up and got closure, BUT ex is not sure [updated 2016-08-08]

[Densel]

After you poured your heart out to him, what was his reaction? What did he say?

 

I am thinking he lied to you about the new girl moving in is because he dont want to loose u.

 

And why need so long to end a relationship?

Does he know what he really wants?

Who ever he is breaking up with, it has to be a clean break. If not the unresolved issues will carry forward to the next person.

Dealing with co-own house will need more time.

[Blanco]

He was telling me today before I found this out that he is going to end it with her -- either in a week's time or that it could take longer because "things are complicated."

 

Cool, he's been boning up on his copy of The Married Guy's Guide to Having an Affair.

[LD1990]

I doubt if he'll reach out to me. I'm not going to text or call anymore.

 

You doubt he'll reach out? Didn't you two end things today with you telling him you want to make it work and him reciprocating? I'd imagine he will try and get in touch with you again, since he doesn't know you looked up his house information and as far as he knows you want to get back together with him.

 

At least you've confirmed that he's a liar and you can't trust him.

[Bialy]

So he hadn't even told you they were living together? I thought at some point here in one of the posts you mentioned they lived together or maybe they were planning to?

 

Anyway, WAIT so what would you do if in two weeks he says to you: "Ok I am free let's do this?"

He never told me that he was living with her. He told me today, "She's not living with me. She's trying to."

 

Sunkissedpatio - he won't get back to me in two weeks saying that he's free -- I honestly think he's just bullsh-ting me and stringing me along. He's loving this and all of the emotion involved, I'm sure, but how is he going to tell this other woman all of this just 2 weeks after they moved into this new house?

 

SHOULD I reach out to him one last time to tell him that he shouldn't ruin his current situation?

 

After you poured your heart out to him, what was his reaction? What did he say?

 

I am thinking he lied to you about the new girl moving in is because he dont want to loose u.

 

And why need so long to end a relationship?

Does he know what he really wants?

Who ever he is breaking up with, it has to be a clean break. If not the unresolved issues will carry forward to the next person.

Dealing with co-own house will need more time.

He was very emotional and kept saying, "this is everything I've ever wanted to hear during our time together. The timing is so bad. I wish you had told me this a couple months ago. Right now, it's so complicated."

 

I'm leaving out a lot -- but that's the paraphrased version.

 

You doubt he'll reach out? Didn't you two end things today with you telling him you want to make it work and him reciprocating? I'd imagine he will try and get in touch with you again, since he doesn't know you looked up his house information and as far as he knows you want to get back together with him.

 

At least you've confirmed that he's a liar and you can't trust him.

Should I say something to him and abort it all?

 

Should I text: "Ray, I now understand why you said this is complicated for you. You two are living together and she's co-owner of the house [insert screenshot as proof]

[ExpatInItaly]

Considering that he's obviously a liar, it is also entirely possible they met or started their relationship earlier than you think. For them, this might not be such a rush. He isn't a transparent person, so it's not impossible he's fudging the timeline, even though you two were still together.

 

I think you need to just forget about him. If he reaches out again, tell him you know they're living together and good luck.

 

And move on.

 

It's well and truly over.

[LD1990]

I'd say you should block him everywhere he could possibly contact you and be done with this. If you want to send him a message, go for it, but you certainly don't owe him that after his lies.

[Bialy]

Considering that he's obviously a liar, it is also entirely possible they met or started their relationship earlier than you think. For them, this might not be such a rush. He isn't a transparent person, so it's not impossible he's fudging the timeline, even though you two were still together.

 

I think you need to just forget about him. If he reaches out again, tell him you know they're living together and good luck.

 

And move on.

 

It's well and truly over.

I know for certain that he didn't fudge on the timeline of meeting this person. He IS fudging on how serious things have been, which is definitely just as worse.

 

I'll leave it be and not communicate with him anymore. That was my plan. One of my relatives is so angry about this and feels I shouldn't let him think I don't know the truth about the living situation.

 

I'd say you should block him everywhere he could possibly contact you and be done with this. If you want to send him a message, go for it, but you certainly don't owe him that after his lies.

I'm leaning towards this. Just avoiding him altogether. I firmly believe he has no intention of breaking it off with this woman -- he's a spineless manipulator --- he right now has a swelled head because of all of the loving things I've said to him.

 

And now I know this. Just wow! Unbelievable.

[Sunkissedpatio]

SHOULD I reach out to him one last time to tell him that he shouldn't ruin his current situation?

 

That is entirely up to you! You are in the same predicament I was in when I came to LS I had my ex-fiance (two weeks since the break-up) followed by a PI and found out about his OW which he hid from me. I had written him a letter letting him know the steps I was taking to improve things for us and he kept me hanging with "I need to sort out some things first before I can give you a definite answer to the letter, he also told me he missed me like crazy and was having a really hard time getting over all the great things about us"

 

I couldn't get on with my life until I confronted him about what a lying cheating scumbag coward he was, people here were telling me to "let it go and forget about it don't confront him"

 

The best thing I did was confront him. It felt GREAT to get off my chest that I knew everything and to let him know there was no chance in hell for us EVER after that. That way there were no loose ends left between us. That certainly gave me my closure. I didn't want a response to my letter after that and me confronting that quashed that possibility.

 

That was my situation. You do what you feel in your heart is best for you.

[ExpatInItaly]

I know for certain that he didn't fudge on the timeline of meeting this person. He IS fudging on how serious things have been, which is definitely just as worse.

 

I'll leave it be and not communicate with him anymore. That was my plan. One of my relatives is so angry about this and feels I shouldn't let him think I don't know the truth about the living situation.

 

 

I'm leaning towards this. Just avoiding him altogether. I firmly believe he has no intention of breaking it off with this woman -- he's a spineless manipulator --- he right now has a swelled head because of all of the loving things I've said to him.

 

And now I know this. Just wow! Unbelievable.

 

How do you know this? Based on his word?

 

Anyway, if it gives you some relief, go ahead and tell him what you know about his living situation. But I think in the end, it's not going to change anything. He will come up with some lame excuse. You two will continue to argue.

 

It doesn't change the fact that he's with someone else and is a shady character

[Sunkissedpatio]

Anyway, if it gives you some relief, go ahead and tell him what you know about his living situation. But I think in the end, it's not going to change anything. He will come up with some lame excuse. You two will continue to argue.

 

It doesn't change the fact that he's with someone else and is a shady character

 

True but it does make guys like these pay for their mistakes if you do confront them. By letting them get away with it they get to walk away feeling like they did no harm and they get to feel like they are seen as "special" in our minds or like the "one that got away" In my case I wanted him to know that I knew he was a rotten liar and that getting rid of him was the best thing not something I'd be left pining over.

 

They have black holes for souls, but I wanted him to know I knew who he actually was in the end. For me there was satisfaction in that.

 

The thing about narcissits is that the worst thing you can do to them is to take them off their pedestal and the potential of blowing their "do good" persona in front of everyone is more threatening to them than anything else. They live for the praise of others and how others see them, they live off the lies that they portray - it is their oxygen. I had no intention of telling all his family about what actually happened but the idea that he would be watching his back over that was satisfactory enough to me.

[LD1990]

I really don't see how confronting people in this kind of situation makes them "pay for their mistakes." He already lied. If she confronts him he's just going to lie more. He won't feel guilty. If he was going to feel guilt about this, he already would have. Is a stern talking to really going to do much damage?

 

I highly doubt any ex is going to lose sleep at night because he was confronted about his wrongdoings.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Because otherwise they think you still hold them in the same regard that they portrayed in all the lies they use to cover up their shtty-azz persona. I wanted him to know that I know he is scum. I know my ex cared what I thought of him.

 

And it appears that in this case this muppet cares what Bialy thinks of him too.

[Sunkissedpatio]

 

I highly doubt any ex is going to lose sleep at night because he was confronted about his wrongdoings.

 

You don't know that. I'd rather put it out there and let the chips fall where they fall.

[Bialy]

My ex couldn't tell the truth even when I gave him several clear opportunities. He is definitely in the frame of mind of maintaining the deception that it's a strong possibility that "we" can become a reality.

 

He didn't care what I thought about him he didn't care at all to tell me he was even dating someone. However, these past two days that we met up, he really showed how affected he was by all of the loving affirmations I made. I know he absolutely loves it and it has been giving him a high.

 

In this case --- it's better for me to just disappear. He's got his cake - a home and a partner and a life in the works (that's going to bleed him financially!)

 

I could barely sleep last night. It's 6am my time right now and I have to get ready for work. Joy.

[lana-banana]

It's not just you, Bialy. I actually exclaimed "Wow! What the hell?" when I read it. But it puts everything into perspective. This was never about reconciliation, this was about priming you for an affair. His only goal was to see if you would be open to becoming his side piece.

 

I agree there's no point to confronting him. Confrontation is rarely a good idea and it's never a good one when you're up against such a shameless liar. You can't make anyone feel guilt or remorse, especially when they've shown zero capacity for either. Even going to his girlfriend is useless because it would be criminally easily for him to paint you as a pitiful, obsessed ex who can't let go.

 

He is just seven months into a relationship and looking to cheat. "Wow, what the hell?" indeed. I say buy a bottle of good scotch and have your girlfriends over to tell the story. You ought to celebrate: you didn't just dodge a bullet here, you dodged a cannonball.

[Sunkissedpatio]

If you don't tell him that you know you are going to look crazy, you meet him to tell him you still love him and want to make it work and then you disappear!?!?

 

To me that is leaving the door open. He will definitely contact you again because in his mind "you" are happening.

 

But you do what you feel is best for you Ugh you'll need a lot of coffee today..

[Bialy]

It's not just you, Bialy. I actually exclaimed "Wow! What the hell?" when I read it. But it puts everything into perspective. This was never about reconciliation, this was about priming you for an affair. His only goal was to see if you would be open to becoming his side piece.

 

I agree there's no point to confronting him. Confrontation is rarely a good idea and it's never a good one when you're up against such a shameless liar. You can't make anyone feel guilt or remorse, especially when they've shown zero capacity for either. Even going to his girlfriend is useless because it would be criminally easily for him to paint you as a pitiful, obsessed ex who can't let go.

 

He is just seven months into a relationship and looking to cheat. "Wow, what the hell?" indeed. I say buy a bottle of good scotch and have your girlfriends over to tell the story. You ought to celebrate: you didn't just dodge a bullet here, you dodged a cannonball.

Okay, that last sentence made me laugh out out!!! Cannonball is right.

 

Here's something else - you are absolutely right on his desire to not let me go and keeping me on the side with lingering hope --- he said, "I'm open to getting a second property -- in the city. Maybe we can invest in one together and you can live in it? I'd help out with the downpayment."

 

I said no at the time -- it doesn't make any sense.

 

NOW, with a better idea of what is going on, I understand what he was angling at -- an opportunity to keep me in his radar and keep the option of "us" always open.

[Sunkissedpatio]

 

Here's something else - you are absolutely right on his desire to not let me go and keeping me on the side with lingering hope --- he said, "I'm open to getting a second property -- in the city. Maybe we can invest in one together and you can live in it? I'd help out with the downpayment."

 

 

 

Ya, guys like that will alway have a side piece. Quite frankly who cares what his new girlfriend thinks, it's not about confronting her or how it looks to them. The point is letting HIM know that you know what he is made of and you want no part of that. There is great satisfaction in that.

 

There is nothing pathetic about that, what is pathetic is thinking that this new relationship will end up succeeding. It will end up in the same predicament down the line. Guys like that already fill their new woman with all sorts of lies about their past relationship and they don't change because the same problems they had in the past will plagued them again. Confronting him will not make you look any worse than he has already gone out of his way to make you look.

 

And at the end of the day why would you care what two losers think of you? Generally we care what people we look up to and respect think of us, everyone else's opinion doesn't matter.

[lana-banana]

Okay, that last sentence made me laugh out out!!! Cannonball is right.

 

Here's something else - you are absolutely right on his desire to not let me go and keeping me on the side with lingering hope --- he said, "I'm open to getting a second property -- in the city. Maybe we can invest in one together and you can live in it? I'd help out with the downpayment."

 

I said no at the time -- it doesn't make any sense.

 

NOW, with a better idea of what is going on, I understand what he was angling at -- an opportunity to keep me in his radar and keep the option of "us" always open.

 

He offered to keep you in a paid apartment? Does he think this is Shanghai in 1925? I don't know what's more unbelievable---that a grown man is this stupid, or that he thinks you are.

 

No doubt it's very, very tempting to call him on this garbage. But as soon as you engage him again, even for a moment, you allow even the slightest bit of this toxic mess to come seeping back into your life. He'd bombard you with all kinds of sob stories about why it's not what you think. You don't need that. Even composing a seemingly devastating last text to send him will take way more of your time and energy than he deserves. Block him on every available avenue, including your phone, and don't answer any calls from unfamiliar numbers.

 

Take heart. You are worth so much more than this piece of garbage.

Edited August 1, 2016 by lana-banana

[Bialy]

Thanks everyone for the support and advice - a lot of you suspected this would be disastrous (but who knew it would be THIS disastrous... mind-boggling the extent of the lies!)

 

I never expected this to turn out like this AT ALL. I'm still in a "WOW!" state of mind.

 

I'm just going to disappear --- there really isn't anything to confront him about at all. Nothing. This is probably the ultimate sense of closure in that there is absolutely nothing.

 

I totally dodged a cannonball.

[jen1447]

I don't doubt that he's being deceptive in general due to the confluence of circumstances but it's technically possible she's not living there, even if she's listed on the property deed and/or mortgage. (Like if their relationship really did blow up and she moved out already - it takes some time to extricate yourself from all that.) The real way to find out would be to send somebody round in the evening and at night to see if her car's there.

 

fwiw, ultimately I think it'd be best for you closure-wise to tell him you know. The way I'd do that is invite him to tell a direct and easily verifiable lie - ask him (text is fine) if he's living w her, if he says no, ask why he has a mortgage w her, if he says well it's not what it seems x-y-z, ask why her car's there at 1:00 a.m. on a Tuesday. No way out of that for him and it'll all be closed up for you.

[Bialy]

I don't doubt that he's being deceptive in general due to the confluence of circumstances but it's technically possible she's not living there, even if she's listed on the property deed and/or mortgage. (Like if their relationship really did blow up and she moved out already - it takes some time to extricate yourself from all that.) The real way to find out would be to send somebody round in the evening and at night to see if her car's there.

 

fwiw, ultimately I think it'd be best for you closure-wise to tell him you know. The way I'd do that is invite him to tell a direct and easily verifiable lie - ask him (text is fine) if he's living w her, if he says no, ask why he has a mortgage w her, if he says well it's not what it seems x-y-z, ask why her car's there at 1:00 a.m. on a Tuesday. No way out of that for him and it'll all be closed up for you.

 

Good food for thought. I was just talking to my mom and she has known about him for so long that she feels bad for him and the situation he has gotten himself into. (For me, of course, she's relieved that I've learned about this now.) She said something along the lines of what someone on here said: to get over me, he went through the motions with someone else and now finds himself in a bizarre, impulsive predicament and financial web --- all tangled up in lies.

 

My mom's suggestion was similar to yours --- if he reaches out to meet, ask him to call me. Then, over the phone say that I had seen the county property profile information unexpectedly --- then just express some genuine sadness towards him and wish him luck. "He's the loser in all of this."

[Blanco]

If you call him, he's going to BS you and you'll risk getting wrapped back up in this mess. I do think you should send him an email to give finality to the situation, but it needs to be brief, and most importantly, almost void of emotion. Something along the lines of:

 

"I am now aware of your current living arrangement. I do not wish to see you or communicate with you again. Please respect these wishes. Thank you."

 

Then immediately block his number, mark his email address as spam, etc. Do not get into some back-and-forth with him where he's giving you justifications for his outright deceptions. You've wasted enough time with this.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Yup, best course of action email to close the chapter then block. You absolutely do not need to get sucked into any back and forth that is easily avoidable. No meeting up again no phone call, just seal the deal by letting him know and be done with it. You'll regret it if you don't.

 

It doesn't make sense to just dissapear you rehashed this whole scenario with him after all this time and he has clearly moved on and you will avoid the last confrontation now? Then he will think you are playing same indecisive games as before. It makes you look as unstable as before.

 

I still think what your mother thinks - he really got himself in a pickle because he had to and you rejected him but ultimately just wants you.

 

The other thing is, he could be doing this as payback to you for having strung him along for as long as you did so now the tables are turned. You know him best, if he's the type to get revenge etc.

[LD1990]

fwiw, ultimately I think it'd be best for you closure-wise to tell him you know. The way I'd do that is invite him to tell a direct and easily verifiable lie - ask him (text is fine) if he's living w her, if he says no, ask why he has a mortgage w her, if he says well it's not what it seems x-y-z, ask why her car's there at 1:00 a.m. on a Tuesday. No way out of that for him and it'll all be closed up for you.

 

"Why was her car there at 1 a.m.?"

"She came over because she had a really stressful day, she only stayed an hour, why are you stalking me?"

 

Liars can find an excuse for anything, even if it's the dumbest excuse of all time. Trying to get them to admit their lies is just an exercise in frustration for the accuser, and the liar usually turns things around to make the accuser seem like the crazy one. And if she tells him she has been checking up on him, it's going to give him a huge ego boost to know she cared that much.

 

It doesn't make sense to just dissapear you rehashed this whole scenario with him after all this time and he has clearly moved on and you will avoid the last confrontation now? Then he will think you are playing same indecisive games as before. It makes you look as unstable as before.

 

Who cares how she looks to this guy? Like you already said, why would she care what two losers think of her?

 

 

Bialy, I definitely agree with everyone's suggestions that if you do communicate, make sure it's via text, not over the phone. Talking to him again is just going to be a pain in the ass. He's going to keep trying to lie and maybe even turn the situation around to blame you for checking up on him.