One more on the bandwagon

[BeStronger]

I've been lurking around, reading other posts here trying to find some strength which I did.

 

Today I decided I needed to post - I needed somewhere to get my choked up emotions out.

 

My story is simple - I'm married and foolishly (or so I like to believe) got into an affair with my married co worker.

 

The affair was emotional, though we did have kisses but never went past anything more than that. For that I'm thankful.

 

We didn't know each other for long as I had just only joined the company. The flirting started 1 month into my new job, the starting of the affair began 3 months after that - when he confessed his feelings for me. I took the bait and fell for it too.

 

What I fell for, I have no idea. He was much older than I was. 15 years to be exact. He was nothing I wanted. Nothing I needed. He was never a romantic, never someone good with words. I thought he was different maybe, someone who made me laugh, someone who taught me so much in life.

 

Now that I've written this - it feels so surreal. What did I like in that guy? I don't know. He was nothing I ever needed.

 

Less than 2 months after we got together - I called it quits. He was due to go on a vacation with his wife and I think I went all insecure and bat **** and melted down. I sent him a long text, asking for a break and telling him all that I felt. How much I loved him. I think one side just hope he would have said sorry for all that he done, and beg me to stay.

 

Instead, he turned into one of the most cruel person I've met. He called me all sorts of names, and then when I tried to call him to explain how I had a meltdown I didn't even mean - he ignored my calls. My texts. My everything.

 

I couldn't understand how this had turned out this way. I panicked. I went into a psycho mode - I called him non stop. Desperate to hear his voice. To explain that I never wanted this to end. I called him I don't know every minute for like 2 hours. He ignored them all. Now that I think back, what was I doing?

 

I pleaded with him to take me back. He said said never that I couldn't get away with dumping him and then wanting him back. How did he just turn into one of the most cruel jerks on earth? I pleaded desperately. I begged. I lost all my pride.

 

Though strangely, after I did.. I felt more liberated. after I sent him a long texts saying all I wanted to say in the phone call he never answered. On strong hours I feel I could move on. Life will be good again. On weak hours like these, I just want to curl up and cry my life away.

 

We work together. Thankfully on different floors. I don't get to see him often. Though we did have a company event yesterday (after I sent him the begging text). He didn't acknowledge my presence when he saw me. Neither did I. Though our eyes did meet a few times.

 

I'm confused. Today is day 1 of NC. It's hard. But I am determined not to. I have plans to tell my husband about what I did wrong. and I will, because I know I married a good man. I wished I never hurt him. But I was selfish, stupid, foolish and naive. I knew what I was getting into, yet I still did.

 

Need some help to stay NC. Please.

Edited July 29, 2016 by BeStronger

[Josmatjes]

You can do it! It hard and will be a challenge being you work together but it's for the best. Be thankful he showed his true self so soon before it had turned physical. Your one of the lucky ones. Stead clear of him he is bad news!!

[anika99]

He didn't turn into a cruel jerk, he always was a cruel jerk but he hid that side of himself from you. Imagine the hell his wife must go through living with such an unstable freak. You didn't love the real him you loved your fantasy of him and the attention he gave you. Now your ego has taken a hit due to the rejection. This was never really love and I think once you realize that your pain is all due to your wounded ego you will let go easier.

 

 

Now I also think your MM is punishing you. He is trying to teach you a lesson about not making any demands of him or troubling him with any of your feelings. Once he sees that you aren't trying to get him back or pining for him he is going to suddenly deem you worthy of his attention again. What are you going to do when that happens? I'll tell you that this push/pull and on/off dynamic has a very powerful affect on your psyche. He has weakened you by cruelly cutting you off and withdrawing his attention. If you let him come back into your life now you will seriously weaken yourself even more.

 

 

When he comes back all the pain you feel right now will suddenly vanish. His attention will feel like salve to your wounds and you will feel so much relief. However all this does is trick your brain into believing even more that you need him to be happy and feel okay. I got trapped in this cycle once. It wasn't an affair, it was a relationship with an abusive mental case. I felt like I was trapped in hell. I walked on eggshells all of the time and whenever I said something he didn't approve of he would either go into an abusive rage or suddenly and inexplicably dismiss me from his life. In the blink of an eye he would go from telling me he I was the best and most valuable person in his life to totally rejecting me. He could sit in the same room as me and treat me like a total stranger while happily engaging with other people, seemingly without a care in the world. Then all of a sudden he would come back, sometimes within days, sometimes it took months, and every time I got back together with him I got weaker and more desperate to keep him. Soon I was going to ridiculous lengths to make sure nothing I did or said could possibly upset him and cause him to abandon me. I couldn't bear the abandonment but since I knew he could and would abandon me at the drop of a hat I was constantly on guard and anxious. So dysfunctional.

 

 

Do not let him come back into your life. You will ruin yourself if you get sucked into his black hole of mind games. Talk to your husband and consider looking for a new job.

[Adoraxx]

He didn't turn into a cruel jerk, he always was a cruel jerk but he hid that side of himself from you. Imagine the hell his wife must go through living with such an unstable freak. You didn't love the real him you loved your fantasy of him and the attention he gave you. Now your ego has taken a hit due to the rejection. This was never really love and I think once you realize that your pain is all due to your wounded ego you will let go easier.

 

 

Now I also think your MM is punishing you. He is trying to teach you a lesson about not making any demands of him or troubling him with any of your feelings. Once he sees that you aren't trying to get him back or pining for him he is going to suddenly deem you worthy of his attention again. What are you going to do when that happens? I'll tell you that this push/pull and on/off dynamic has a very powerful affect on your psyche. He has weakened you by cruelly cutting you off and withdrawing his attention. If you let him come back into your life now you will seriously weaken yourself even more.

 

 

When he comes back all the pain you feel right now will suddenly vanish. His attention will feel like salve to your wounds and you will feel so much relief. However all this does is trick your brain into believing even more that you need him to be happy and feel okay. I got trapped in this cycle once. It wasn't an affair, it was a relationship with an abusive mental case. I felt like I was trapped in hell. I walked on eggshells all of the time and whenever I said something he didn't approve of he would either go into an abusive rage or suddenly and inexplicably dismiss me from his life. In the blink of an eye he would go from telling me he I was the best and most valuable person in his life to totally rejecting me. He could sit in the same room as me and treat me like a total stranger while happily engaging with other people, seemingly without a care in the world. Then all of a sudden he would come back, sometimes within days, sometimes it took months, and every time I got back together with him I got weaker and more desperate to keep him. Soon I was going to ridiculous lengths to make sure nothing I did or said could possibly upset him and cause him to abandon me. I couldn't bear the abandonment but since I knew he could and would abandon me at the drop of a hat I was constantly on guard and anxious. So dysfunctional.

 

 

Do not let him come back into your life. You will ruin yourself if you get sucked into his black hole of mind games. Talk to your husband and consider looking for a new job.

 

This is a great post, anika, and I'm going to save it. Thanks for writing it... This is totally how my xMM treated me and how I felt

[lemondrop21]

This is a great post, anika, and I'm going to save it. Thanks for writing it... This is totally how my xMM treated me and how I felt

 

Agreed, thank you!! My xMM was not quite this bad, but this is a very good summary of how you end up feeling when these dynamics come into play. I think that it may be the case that he is also very affected by you and because he is emotionally unstable and controlling, deals with it in the only way he knows how to - by withdrawing, by being cruel, by making you feel insane. He then feels better because he is the one in control of the situation.

 

This dynamic played out over and over with my xMM and me - the push/pull - and still does, although it's more subtle now. I learned how to play the game too out of self-defense. I now have family matters to deal with and so I give less of my mental energy to it, but it still resurfaces on certain days (hence why I am here). Telling your husband should help but will not completely solve things, and keep in mind that men are less forgiving of affairs (but more offended by PAs than EAs).

 

Best of luck to you and please know that you are not a psycho, affairs just do this to people...

[Friskyone4u]

Congratulations on dodging hopefully a big bullet, and also on planning on telling your husband the truth. That will be hard but you will not have to lie a lie, and you will be less likely to slip again.

 

Too bad everyone on the "slope" cannot read your post BEFORE they take the final plunge. It would save a lot of heartache for a lot of people. You ought to stick around .

[BuddyX]

Have you deleted all contact avenues? If so, then you are on your way to freedom. If not, then you're playing with fire.

 

Focus on you and your marriage.

[What_Did_I_Do]

He didn't turn into a cruel jerk, he always was a cruel jerk but he hid that side of himself from you. Imagine the hell his wife must go through living with such an unstable freak. You didn't love the real him you loved your fantasy of him and the attention he gave you. Now your ego has taken a hit due to the rejection. This was never really love and I think once you realize that your pain is all due to your wounded ego you will let go easier.

 

 

Now I also think your MM is punishing you. He is trying to teach you a lesson about not making any demands of him or troubling him with any of your feelings. Once he sees that you aren't trying to get him back or pining for him he is going to suddenly deem you worthy of his attention again. What are you going to do when that happens? I'll tell you that this push/pull and on/off dynamic has a very powerful affect on your psyche. He has weakened you by cruelly cutting you off and withdrawing his attention. If you let him come back into your life now you will seriously weaken yourself even more.

 

 

When he comes back all the pain you feel right now will suddenly vanish. His attention will feel like salve to your wounds and you will feel so much relief. However all this does is trick your brain into believing even more that you need him to be happy and feel okay. I got trapped in this cycle once. It wasn't an affair, it was a relationship with an abusive mental case. I felt like I was trapped in hell. I walked on eggshells all of the time and whenever I said something he didn't approve of he would either go into an abusive rage or suddenly and inexplicably dismiss me from his life. In the blink of an eye he would go from telling me he I was the best and most valuable person in his life to totally rejecting me. He could sit in the same room as me and treat me like a total stranger while happily engaging with other people, seemingly without a care in the world. Then all of a sudden he would come back, sometimes within days, sometimes it took months, and every time I got back together with him I got weaker and more desperate to keep him. Soon I was going to ridiculous lengths to make sure nothing I did or said could possibly upset him and cause him to abandon me. I couldn't bear the abandonment but since I knew he could and would abandon me at the drop of a hat I was constantly on guard and anxious. So dysfunctional.

 

 

Do not let him come back into your life. You will ruin yourself if you get sucked into his black hole of mind games. Talk to your husband and consider looking for a new job.

 

Ditto!! This is exactly how my MM treats me.

 

OP, once you are well into your healing process, you'll look back and see how sick and twisted this behaviour was.

[MidnightBlue1980]

This is a great post, anika, and I'm going to save it. Thanks for writing it... This is totally how my xMM treated me and how I felt

 

Yes. I didn't know these terms but this is how xMM treats me. When I act up, I get punished by the silent treatment and ignored. When he comes back, it's like a drug. Its awful.

[ladydesigner]

He didn't turn into a cruel jerk, he always was a cruel jerk but he hid that side of himself from you. Imagine the hell his wife must go through living with such an unstable freak.

 

Exactly! Great post. I've experienced this 'jerk' behavior from both sides as I have been a fMOW and current BS. Just coming from the BS side we too get treated badly by our WS when we address issues in the M, hence the 'abusive wife' and the cheating. Some of these MM and MW are a real piece of work!

[Cephalopod]

What's wrong with your husband?

[whatever29]

Do not feel bad you flipped out. That's just human nature. He set the table and then pulled the tablecloth out from underneath you. The dishes went everywhere and you feel broken.

 

You desperately try to make sense of it and backtrack. Anything to get them to return. It's all just a game to them.

 

Know that you will never get closure from this person. It does not matter, they are not worth it. There will never be an answer as to why. Close them off from hurting you within yourself and keep up the NC.

 

You can do it! We are all here for you.

[BeStronger]

Thank you everyone for your replies.

 

It was a tough week. I told my husband about it, he didnt say much. I know he was hurt, but he chose to forgive me and my infidelity. It made me feel much worst about hurting him.

 

I met exMM. We had to work together (what were the odds) on a project together. We were professional most parts of it, till one part when he said "I wanted to clarify what happened.", thats when I lost it. I started asking why he didn't answer my call, why he ignored me. He said he was hurt by what I had said. We spoke a little more about what happened, but he ended up cutting me off and saying he had to go.

 

When I asked if we could talk again, he said "we'll see". Then the next day he texted me telling me about work related stuff. We texted awhile, then when i started sounding chummy again, he said "you're not out of the woods yet. Its a dense forest".

 

Then we went NC for 2 days again. I'm left once again, wondering and confused. I have to see him tomorrow again for work. I'm so tempted to ask him out for lunch. I want to kiss him so bad. What's wrong with me!

 

Today's a rough day. I miss him.

[Poppy47]

Thank you everyone for your replies.

 

It was a tough week. I told my husband about it, he didnt say much. I know he was hurt, but he chose to forgive me and my infidelity. It made me feel much worst about hurting him.

 

I met exMM. We had to work together (what were the odds) on a project together. We were professional most parts of it, till one part when he said "I wanted to clarify what happened.", thats when I lost it. I started asking why he didn't answer my call, why he ignored me. He said he was hurt by what I had said. We spoke a little more about what happened, but he ended up cutting me off and saying he had to go.

 

When I asked if we could talk again, he said "we'll see". Then the next day he texted me telling me about work related stuff. We texted awhile, then when i started sounding chummy again, he said "you're not out of the woods yet. Its a dense forest".

 

Then we went NC for 2 days again. I'm left once again, wondering and confused. I have to see him tomorrow again for work. I'm so tempted to ask him out for lunch. I want to kiss him so bad. What's wrong with me!

 

Today's a rough day. I miss him.

 

If you read some of the earlier posts, it was predicted that he would easily hook you and reel you in again. He has.

 

You have confessed to your husband and still you are eager to kiss this piece of garbage again.

 

Why? You are lucky your husband forgave you. He might not again.

 

Poppy.

[BeStronger]

If you read some of the earlier posts, it was predicted that he would easily hook you and reel you in again. He has.

 

You have confessed to your husband and still you are eager to kiss this piece of garbage again.

 

Why? You are lucky your husband forgave you. He might not again.

 

Poppy.

 

Thank you for responding Poppy. I am indeed lucky that he has forgiven me. I am not about to ruin that trust again.

 

But to be honest, I dont know why i wanna kiss him again. I feel so disgusted with myself. But I just feel so hurt and rejected. I want everything to be ok again.

[Eighty_nine]

Thank you for responding Poppy. I am indeed lucky that he has forgiven me. I am not about to ruin that trust again.

 

But to be honest, I dont know why i wanna kiss him again. I feel so disgusted with myself. But I just feel so hurt and rejected. I want everything to be ok again.

 

by hurting you he is leaving you dependent on his forgiveness and acceptance- he's doing this on purpose to manipulate you. saying "you're not out of the woods yet"- how condescending! if he was halfway decent, he'd apologize and move on. but it wasn't some miscommunication-- the whole incident was his calculated way to manipulate you after you were intolerant of his vacation with his wife and tried to end it. It is all a game to keep you in, keep you down, and keep you desperate for their acceptance. He brings you down and then you mistakenly think you need him to feel good again.

[Poppy47]

Please give some thought to how your husband feels at this time. Forget wanting to get anything from the scum bag. He's a manipulator of emotions.

 

Poppy.

[BeStronger]

lissvarna, thank you for your words. You're right. When he told me "you're not out of the woods yet", you know how desperate I am when I hung onto the word "YET". I kept telling myself, there was hope. He said the word yet. How silly I am.

 

You're right. Right now I feel like all i need is him to text me again, and I'll be swept into his arms again. How silly. I know I need to be strong, but I find myself checking my phone non stop the past few days. I just want to see his name on my phone once more. How do I stop this. I go from ok to strong to depressed to ok again.

 

Poppy, the only reason why I haven't texted him after 2 days is because I remind myself of how lucky I am to have my husband. Someone who would continuously check in on me. Just yesterday he asked me "Did he text you?" I said no. He said "It hurts me to see you sad. Do you want to text him? " How could he have been so forgiving of me.. yet here I am.. wanting to kiss the scumbag. How could I be so mean?

 

I think i'm reeling from the withdrawal that he seemed to have moved on so quickly from me. I thought... he loved me. How wrong I must have been.

[BuddyX]

Your husband has some bad case of Nice Guy syndrome. It appears he is unwilling to protect so you're going to have to do it for him.

 

Frankly, you're husband lost all respect from me. If I was in his place, I would tell you to change #, change jobs, and if there was ever any contact with OM I would have divorce papers on your desk.

 

This is the part where you set boundaries. NC period.

[BeStronger]

Your husband has some bad case of Nice Guy syndrome. It appears he is unwilling to protect so you're going to have to do it for him.

 

Frankly, you're husband lost all respect from me. If I was in his place, I would tell you to change #, change jobs, and if there was ever any contact with OM I would have divorce papers on your desk.

 

This is the part where you set boundaries. NC period.

 

He didn't ask me to text him to continue anything, but rather to clarify cos he knows I have unfinished things to say. He says he doesnt want me to "hold on to the things i'll never say" cos it'll make me hang on even longer.

 

I am determined to do NC. Its just hard.

[BuddyX]

"You get closure by closing the door not by opening it for one last look..."

 

I can guarantee you nothing good will come out of breaking NC

[ShatteredLady]

Your husband could be like me & in complete & utter shock. I discovered that my H was STILL talking to her after I knew. I'm still completely & utterly devastated. You have no idea what pain is!

 

If you want to keep your husband please wake-up & realize how thin the ice that you're taking for granted is. Don't wait for the divorce papers to realize what you've got at home.

[Poppy47]

Your husband has some bad case of Nice Guy syndrome. It appears he is unwilling to protect so you're going to have to do it for him.

 

Frankly, you're husband lost all respect from me. If I was in his place, I would tell you to change #, change jobs, and if there was ever any contact with OM I would have divorce papers on your desk.

 

This is the part where you set boundaries. NC period.

 

I like this post.

 

If the husband were the AP I'll bet it would be a different tale.

 

Poppy

[anika99]

"Poppy, the only reason why I haven't texted him after 2 days is because I remind myself of how lucky I am to have my husband. Someone who would continuously check in on me. Just yesterday he asked me "Did he text you?" I said no. He said "It hurts me to see you sad. Do you want to text him? " How could he have been so forgiving of me.. yet here I am.. wanting to kiss the scumbag. How could I be so mean?"

 

Your poor husband. He wants to be loving and supportive but he's handling this all wrong. His kindness is only helping you stay hung up on the creepy married dude. The thing is that your husband could find his anger at any moment. Might be tomorrow, might be in several months, and when that happens the tables will turn. if you continue to engage with the other guy then you are wilfully and deliberately further damaging your marriage and the day will come when you will have to face the consequences of that.