Monel Posted June 30, 2005 Share Posted June 30, 2005 My gf and I have been together for 2 years and all these two years she has been a great,caring and understanding woman who gave a lot in the relationship.One month ago,she went initiated an cooling period as she she feel that she needs a break from the relationship.As it is a long story I shall not go on any further but for two weeks I did try to salvage the relationship but accomplished nothing only to make it worse.Now I do not even want to talk about our relationship as she will become agitated when I talk about anything to do with it.She say that by talking about it,it will only add on to her pressure as she has lot of other things to worry about right now and has no time for it.Anyway she just graduted from collage and just started working.She dun like her job but can’t leave as she is bonded by a contract and she is also very tired after she got back from work.Nowadays we seldom go out together but we still communicate via msn daily.I know she has been going out with her other friends more than I do with her now.We still have a few simple short dinner together but everytime she will be angry over the slightest mistake I made or said which made these date very unpleasant most of the time but after the last dinner I had with her.She sent me a message via cell phone to thank me for the dinner and told me that she knows that I’m very upset just now and told me to cheer up and I msg her back that I thank her for her concern.She is now gving me a very mixed signal.On one hand she told me that we are having a cooling period but somehow(dun ask me how=))I know that she has been telling others that she has broken off from her relationship and is single and when I probe her about it indirectly about it asking her whether I am holding on to something which is broken.She reply that if I think of things that way then she has nothing to say and that she is very disappointed with me.Somehow I still want to work things out but she is making me very confused. She agreed to have a dinner with me on her birthday which is coming soon.She also emphasized that it is a very special and important birthday for her as she is turning 21.I wonder does she agree to go out with me just because there isn’t any other people that can celebrate her birthday on that day or wat….Hmm….Sorry for the long post folks. Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted June 30, 2005 Share Posted June 30, 2005 Originally posted by Monel She is now gving me a very mixed signal.On one hand she told me that we are having a cooling period but somehow(dun ask me how=))I know that she has been telling others that she has broken off from her relationship and is single and when I probe her about it indirectly about it asking her whether I am holding on to something which is broken.She reply that if I think of things that way then she has nothing to say and that she is very disappointed with me.Somehow I still want to work things out but she is making me very confused. This is very common, I'm afraid. Usually when people say break, they mean that they don't have the courage for a break-up, but would like to try it out first to see if it works for them. And keep you around as a safety net, just in case. The younger they are and the more selfish they are, the more likely they are to try this ploy. I suggest that you pull back. Take no further initiative to contact her - let her come to you. Start getting on with the rest of your life - hobbies, self-improvement, exercise, etc. Don't always be available for her when she wants to chat or do things (being available about half of the time is a good rule, but don't make this too obvious). Avoid relationship talks or anything else that puts pressure on her. Don't buy her a big birthday present - keep it small, relatively inexpensive, yet thoughtful and tasteful. Do not sleep with her, kiss her or do anything sexual. If she asks why you're suddenly less available, play dumb "I thought we were on a break". If she presses, say that you need the time for a break and reflection too. Do not go back to doing the bf type stuff without a proper recommitment from her. And time to prove that it's genuine. This pulling back will give her a chance to entertain regrets, remember the good things about your relationship and see you as strong and indepent. So it is your best chance for saving the relationship. Ironically, it's also your best strategy for if you have to move on. And I'm sorry to say that your chances of saving this relationship are 50/50. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Monel Posted June 30, 2005 Author Share Posted June 30, 2005 Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo This is very common, I'm afraid. Usually when people say break, they mean that they don't have the courage for a break-up, but would like to try it out first to see if it works for them. And keep you around as a safety net, just in case. The younger they are and the more selfish they are, the more likely they are to try this ploy. I suggest that you pull back. Take no further initiative to contact her - let her come to you. Start getting on with the rest of your life - hobbies, self-improvement, exercise, etc. Don't always be available for her when she wants to chat or do things (being available about half of the time is a good rule, but don't make this too obvious). Avoid relationship talks or anything else that puts pressure on her. Don't buy her a big birthday present - keep it small, relatively inexpensive, yet thoughtful and tasteful. Do not sleep with her, kiss her or do anything sexual. If she asks why you're suddenly less available, play dumb "I thought we were on a break". If she presses, say that you need the time for a break and reflection too. Do not go back to doing the bf type stuff without a proper recommitment from her. And time to prove that it's genuine. This pulling back will give her a chance to entertain regrets, remember the good things about your relationship and see you as strong and indepent. So it is your best chance for saving the relationship. Ironically, it's also your best strategy for if you have to move on. And I'm sorry to say that your chances of saving this relationship are 50/50. Thanks for your advice,ReluctantRomeo.=) Actually I feel the same too.I'm just her safety net at the moment but I need someone else to confirm that my hunch is correct.Sigh....it is such a sad thing that such an wonderful relationship would end up like that in such a short time without any warning.=( I know she has been communicating with a lot of new guys lately and a lot of unknown guys is also trying to make friends with her but from what I know from certain sources.She isn't ready for another new relationship anytime soon as she wants to take a break from relationships.Well she has been running into certain some financial problems lately and approached me for help.I borrowed her a reasonable sum of money as I know nobody else will help her if I dun and I dun want her approach other people as I'm afraid that they will make use of her.After I delivered the cash to her,I went home but I did not speak to her on msn as I usually did but to my surpise she messaged me instead to thank me for my help and that she really appreciated what I have done.I told her to be careful with her projects the next time as I can't always help her as my resources is limited too.I also emphasized that as long as we worked together like we did in past,both of us can overcome almost anything.She did not comment on this but only express her appreciation once again.She said she will return a portion of the money to me as soon as she received the payment from her client.I told her to go easy with it as I know that she is quite hard up at the moment and told her to return the amount after she is more stable.I trust her so I borrowed her the sum but if she dun return me the sum.I assure there won't be a second time for me to help her like this again.Well...even if I do help,it will certainly be in a limited form Anyway I have decided have very limited contact with her after her birthday like being available only half the time or even lesser as you mentioned as I got other things to worry about too. Well it is hard and easier to say than done but I have to do it. Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedInOC Posted June 30, 2005 Share Posted June 30, 2005 Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo This is very common, I'm afraid. Usually when people say break, they mean that they don't have the courage for a break-up, but would like to try it out first to see if it works for them. And keep you around as a safety net, just in case. The younger they are and the more selfish they are, the more likely they are to try this ploy. I suggest that you pull back. Take no further initiative to contact her - let her come to you. Start getting on with the rest of your life - hobbies, self-improvement, exercise, etc. Don't always be available for her when she wants to chat or do things (being available about half of the time is a good rule, but don't make this too obvious). Avoid relationship talks or anything else that puts pressure on her. Don't buy her a big birthday present - keep it small, relatively inexpensive, yet thoughtful and tasteful. Do not sleep with her, kiss her or do anything sexual. If she asks why you're suddenly less available, play dumb "I thought we were on a break". If she presses, say that you need the time for a break and reflection too. Do not go back to doing the bf type stuff without a proper recommitment from her. And time to prove that it's genuine. This pulling back will give her a chance to entertain regrets, remember the good things about your relationship and see you as strong and indepent. So it is your best chance for saving the relationship. Ironically, it's also your best strategy for if you have to move on. And I'm sorry to say that your chances of saving this relationship are 50/50. Excellent advice RR. In "Love Must Be Tough" he teaches that the best response to someone who wants to pull away from you is to "pull away from them." Show they they are free to leave. You want them in your life, but do not "need" them. And whatever he does he should not dump all his feelings on her whenever they talk. Keep the conversations light hearted, happy and as positive as possible. Any discussions involving the relationship will only serve to put pressure on her and force her away from him. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Monel Posted July 3, 2005 Author Share Posted July 3, 2005 Damn...I sent her an email saying that I'm going for my cooling period too after her birthday as I need to concentrate on my own business too.She wish me all the best.I sensed something odd and immediately phone and sms her mutiple times but she replied none of them .I told her that I am not giving up,I just need time too to attend to my own business and I was abit drunk at that time since I was at the club with friends.Right after I got home,I speak my last few words to her since and told her to go to sleep if she is tired.She repiled with an"K bye bye" which I found odd,she nvm reply good night in this manner before and shortly there after she went offline.After that I checked and found that I was blocked by her on msn.I was really sad and devasted to know that.I couldn't sleep the whole night and I guess it is the end...It's really hurts when someone you spent your life with for two years do this kind of things to you.I guess I have to move on now...It is really hard and painful... Link to post Share on other sites
idlez Posted July 3, 2005 Share Posted July 3, 2005 sounds what i've been going threw, trust me on this man. if you truly love, i mean truly. without conditions, give her time. samething happened to my ex and me, i ended up getting blocked and had NC. she was turning 21 as well, and we had made plans to go out on her 21st, which fell threw.just let her live for a bit, then start contact again later on. a lot of times when girls turn 21 after a long relationship they know they have so much more out there to try, some don't try, some do. just let her do her thing, don't push her. she seems like she is trying to find herself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Monel Posted July 3, 2005 Author Share Posted July 3, 2005 Wow your situation is really similar to mine.She unblocked me again just now and I explained to her that the intentions of my email is not giving up but merely going to have my own space too.I told her that I'm sorry to bug her eversince the cooling period and I realized my mistakes and see that both of us really have the need for our own space.I told her maybe one day we can work things out and be together again and I can't force u to love me.She seem to response in a better tone now.After that she told me that her parents will be going to have a dinner with her and I told her to go ahead and spent some time with her family then.She asked me whether I'm disappointed and I reply her that I wouldn't say that I'm not disappointed but since your family has such good will then maybe you should go with them.I also told her to spend more time with her parents as they are getting old but both of us still got plenty of time for that if we have the chance.Ok,she seem pretty happy and fine...then after that I told her what I actually planned on her birthday and she compliment that I'm sweet.Then I told her that in the mean time,I will get on with my life and change for better.The better person who has given her so much happiness and joy in the past.After that I nvm contact her since...Well...end of story.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Monel Posted July 3, 2005 Author Share Posted July 3, 2005 Actually I went for a cooling period too because I have enough of her too.Eversince the cooling period began,I found that she hasn't been very truthful to me,there is a lot of doubts like the person she is with and the places that she went to.etc I dun know whether she is telling the whole truth all the time and dun know whether to believe the things that she told me.I try not to think of nonsense and tell myself that she is testing me.etc blah blah...My mind cannot stand it.I have enough of all these doubts,guess and mind games.It is very stressful and if I carry on I will get crazy soon.She isn't like this in the past,I dun know what got into her.I know that she also blocked one of her good long term male friends recently.I dun know what the hell is going on with her right now.I think she really needs to sort herself out and I need to sort myself out too. Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted July 4, 2005 Share Posted July 4, 2005 Originally posted by Monel I think she really needs to sort herself out and I need to sort myself out too. Good revelation. Stick with this. And don't chase her. Or start explaining. Or anything else desperate and needy. Link to post Share on other sites
VirginiaBob Posted July 4, 2005 Share Posted July 4, 2005 "She agreed to have a dinner with me on her birthday which is coming soon." you are wasting your time and prolonging the inevitable. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Monel Posted July 4, 2005 Author Share Posted July 4, 2005 Surpisely the same night,she agreed to have a make up post birthday dinner with me.I dun know whether I should do this but I was thinking of setting a dateline for our cooling period maybe after her contract ends which is about five months later.That will be the date when we will talk things out again and I was thinking of telling her that within this time frame if she thinks that there is no point in carrying on with the cooling period anymore and wants a proper breakup.She can tell me and inform me about it and that I will accept and respect her decision. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Monel Posted July 4, 2005 Author Share Posted July 4, 2005 Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo Good revelation. Stick with this. And don't chase her. Or start explaining. Or anything else desperate and needy. The past one month has been pretty hard one.Actually I'm still in a depression I believe,I lost my job too because I resigned when the things become too much to bear.I cannot say that I had put everything down completely. Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted July 4, 2005 Share Posted July 4, 2005 Originally posted by Monel She can tell me and inform me about it and that I will accept and respect her decision. While you're at it, why don't you hand her your testicles in a jar? For goodness' sake, be a man. You're 50% of this relationship (such as it). Why are you meekly giving her all the power? Start calling at least some of the shots. Take a decision. Take time out. And read "No more Mr Nice Guy". It's in ConfusedinOC's signature line. Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted July 4, 2005 Share Posted July 4, 2005 Originally posted by Monel Actually I'm still in a depression I believe,I lost my job too because I resigned when the things become too much to bear. Sorry man. Take my previous post with a pinch of salt then. But I still think you'll be happier if you take half the power in this relationship. Imbalanced power is bad for any romance. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Monel Posted July 4, 2005 Author Share Posted July 4, 2005 Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo While you're at it, why don't you hand her your testicles in a jar? For goodness' sake, be a man. You're 50% of this relationship (such as it). Why are you meekly giving her all the power? Start calling at least some of the shots. Take a decision. Take time out. And read "No more Mr Nice Guy". It's in ConfusedinOC's signature line. Yeah right...I understand...I was actually having doubts about it too because I feel it's like I handing her the keys to get out but I hate to be kept in the dark all the time and wasting my time while she actually doesn't have any more interest at all to continue with the relationship at all.I was thinking that if she is not interested then I will probably get a call again within a day or two and that it will also show how sincere she is in continuing with the relationship.Maybe I will just propose about the dateline thingy and I will set a date for it.Will it be wise if I do that? Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted July 4, 2005 Share Posted July 4, 2005 Originally posted by Monel Maybe I will just propose about the dateline thingy and I will set a date for it.Will it be wise if I do that? Get on with your own life. Don't set any datelines - this is a difficult minefield to navigate. In fact, don't be drawn. Be mysterious and partly unavailable. Girls think a *lot* about relationships. Thinking without firm data is gonna drive this girl crazy and your silence will be a much stronger signal than most things you could say. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Monel Posted July 4, 2005 Author Share Posted July 4, 2005 Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo Sorry man. Take my previous post with a pinch of salt then. But I still think you'll be happier if you take half the power in this relationship. Imbalanced power is bad for any romance. Yeah...I understand...I'm trying very hard to cope during the past one month and in fact I feel much better today after I told her that I'm going on a cooling period too and I think it will take time.I believe I will get over it slowly.Right now I'm going to find a new job and concentrate on my part-time studies. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Monel Posted July 4, 2005 Author Share Posted July 4, 2005 Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo Get on with your own life. Don't set any datelines - this is a difficult minefield to navigate. In fact, don't be drawn. Be mysterious and partly unavailable. Girls think a *lot* about relationships. Thinking without firm data is gonna drive this girl crazy and your silence will be a much stronger signal than most things you could say. k right thanks for your input.... Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted July 4, 2005 Share Posted July 4, 2005 Originally posted by Monel Right now I'm going to find a new job and concentrate on my part-time studies. Sounds good to me... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Monel Posted July 4, 2005 Author Share Posted July 4, 2005 Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo While you're at it, why don't you hand her your testicles in a jar? For goodness' sake, be a man. You're 50% of this relationship (such as it). Why are you meekly giving her all the power? Start calling at least some of the shots. Take a decision. Take time out. And read "No more Mr Nice Guy". It's in ConfusedinOC's signature line. Actually I'm ashamed to say that I am the bad guy, the jerk, the loser and the sinner all the while in this relationship.I dun know wat devil had got into me in the past...I can't blame anyone.Now it is too late for regrets.In this relationship,I'm the who is actually calling the shots all the time.This is retribution... I did a lot of stupid things which hurted her which made her fed up of me plus pressure form her work and her parents drove her crazy as her mum is a typical bimbotic money obsessed woman who has never liked me.When I was serving my conscription in the police force in the police special operations/riot unit which also frequently went out to roam at hot crime spots and do the usual patrol thingy on the streets.My temper became very bad and I also developed a sort of arrogant attitude towards people as time goes by.She and I got together when I was still in the force but it was still not so bad at that time as I was still a rookie.After I was discharged from my service,I found a job in the IT sector but the market and economy are not as good outside as compared to the government service in my country.Pay is low,stress and workload is high,soon I began to feel worthless,weak,without the self confidenence and pride that I used to have in the past and sometimes the stress from my work drove me crazy,and I took it out on her and I also suggested to end the relationship several times but she always begged me not to and in the end I always took back my words as I also can't bear to do it too.... Everything seem to be back to normal all the time and we were still a very loving couple.Sex life was great,everythings looks good,I was looking far ahead and planning for the future and already reserved myself for her but I am too insensative...I hate myself...I did not realised that everytime I do that,I'm putting great stress on her...I am too inmature....After she graduated from colleage,she soon found a job and she becomes very tired everytime after she comes home and so most of the time she just sleeps,less time,less outings,less meetings and also have less sex.I feel nelgected and began to bug her and try to attract her attention and things began to get sour then there was one day,I had a heated arguement with her for no reason because of problems in my work.That was the worst I ever scolded her and I cut her off completely for the rest of the day.After that,I cool down and I apologized to her about wat I did yesterday but things are nvm the same again.That was her last straw and one week later she told me she is going on a tour with her parents but I discovered accidentally later that she went with her unknown friends instead of her parents.I trusted her completely in this relationship and I was devasted to know that she lied to me.At that moment my mind will starts to run wild and I tot that she was having an affair with some other guys and all the inactivity in our relationship during the past one month seem to indicate that.I confronted her the very moment she got back and she got very upset and demanded for a cooling period.I begged her not to and she was hell bent on it.She won't listen to anything I said to her and she said if I want to get back to her,I will have to prove it to her that I can and would change.For the first time I know things have become very serious and there is no turning back.We hugged each other and cried the whole night but she assure me that we are not breaking and things are not as bad as I tot and that we can still talk and go out as normal but the only things is I can't hold hands with her....She also told me that as long as we are willing to work hard together,things will surely improve.At first when this thing began,it was still quite fine and we talk a lot and still behave as normal until one day she posted her pictures of her trip in her friendster profile and I began to questioned her about the surroundings and the guy who is taking the pictures together with her very close to each other on the bed!!!Up until now she hasn't really told me who she is really with on that trip.She explained things to me but I was not quite convinced but broke the discussion with her to do my own things.Then at around 11pm,she msg me to say that she is going to bed,I wished her good night and proceed with my own business after that I sensed something odd as it was a saturday night and it is highly unsual that she slept so early.I phone her home immediately and her mum told me that she is not at home.After that I phone her and sms her multiple times but there was no reply.I confronted her again first thing the next afternoon but she told me that she liason with her mum to lie to me that she went out but actually in fact she was testing me.For the first time,she initated a breakup as she said things will nvm be the same again as there is no trust there anymore and I begged her not to do it and she agreed not to but then she told me that our problems cannot be solved in a few days,few weeks or a few months now and she really really want to take a break now. I was really devasted and the things that I did later in the following weeks to convince her back and the cloud of mistrust served to make the things worse and things has went downhill eversince.Later more incident happened...One night I got this hunch that she went out instead of watching tv as she told me.I went to her house and found out that she is indeed not at home and caught her coming home with another guy but they are clearly not doing anything intimate but I confronted the guy anyway and demand who is he to her.He reply that he is just her friend and he just walked away despite me shouting at him and asking him back to talk things out but she told me to stop and I asked her to explain things and why she want to lie to me again.She told me that she is indeed watching tv but at the last minute that guy friend of hers called and she went out with him.Fine...I said then she says that I have no business to meddle with her private life and that she has no obligation to let me know who she is with either during the cooling period.In order not to make things worse,I gave in and broke off arguement with her and went home.The next day a saturday again,she told me that she is going shopping with a female friend of hers in town and after what happened the pervious night,I decided to find out who she is really with.I managed to track her down exact location and she was with a female friend indeed but was later discovered by her when she saw me in the department store and she was furious....My scorpio character has got better of me. Only when I bumped into this forum then I realised that things are not really as bad in the beginning.I really really hate myself for not discovering this forum earlier and ended up destroying my relationship.Now then I realised that all the things that I have done is wrong and very very wrong.Actually this is my first long term relationship too and frankly speaking,I do not have much experience and I do not even understand wat the term about cooling period is all about in the first place when this thing began....I really regreted what I have done....the incident really woke me up back to the reality but when I try to make amendment and changes with her...she won't let me...it is already too late... Link to post Share on other sites
aares Posted July 9, 2005 Share Posted July 9, 2005 Hey man, thanks for posting in my thread! After reading your thread, I realize our relationships have a lot in common...our ex's pretty much act the same way, and it is messed up. You need to stop blaming yourself for the breakup...just because you both get into a heated arguement, even if you started it, that isnt a reason for everything to change between you two, forever. I dont understand on how she wants you to change? What exactly does she want you to change about yourself? You being arrogant towards her is a problem, but she should talk to you about it, especially since she knows you had a good deal of pressue on your shoulders during your police work. Repeatedly she has lied to you about doing different things with her parents/friends or sleeping but instead she does something completely different. From what you said, it doesnt exactly seem like she is trying to find someone else, but obviously she might be...no one knows except for her. I suggest you stop following her around...if she is going to lie to you repeatedly, then I suggest forgetting about her completely. If she needs to hide what she is doing, she is most likely up to something. Stop trying to spy on her...that wont get you anywhere, and she will be more pissed and it sounds like she was when she spotted you while shopping. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Monel Posted July 9, 2005 Author Share Posted July 9, 2005 Thanks aares,it is now then I realised that our relationships have problems all the while...she did not discuss it with me because I nvm allow her the room to do so.I will just flare up and cut her off and she will just bear with the all problems.The problems always seem to go away but it nvm has...it is a flashpoint just waiting to blow up one day.Nowadays she has been thinking to much and she accused me of not being sincere in planning her birthday dinner and being together with friends but it is her who pull it off and went off with her parents instead.I have my part-time studies to handle and it will always be late when I finished my studies and she will always be busy with her own business during weekends so how am I going to plan a nice date that will fit us both.I dun know why she got so angry because of that.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Monel Posted July 9, 2005 Author Share Posted July 9, 2005 Anyway this accusation happens after almost no contact... Link to post Share on other sites
strange love Posted July 9, 2005 Share Posted July 9, 2005 I dont really have advice for you more a question What sign is your ex? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Monel Posted July 9, 2005 Author Share Posted July 9, 2005 She is a cancer.Actually it is a good match with a scorpio.lol Link to post Share on other sites
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