Difference between MM and OW in affair

[Chica80]

Before I say anything else I want to say this is a generalization and does not apply to every person and every situation ....

 

A little background: 17mo. EA/PA I was married he was engaged. Am now in process of filing divorce he married 1 yr.

 

I've been reading some interesting old post. There is one I read that really stood out to me. I will try to paraphrase....the OW will always think well if he loves me and is unhappy how can he stay? Because for her ultimately love is the end goal it's everything....

For a MM love is not the goal, even if he does love her if he is unhappy etc....The A only helps him to stay married longer. Because he can be the responsible man, still love his wife take care of children, get other needs met etc.

 

People have A for many reasons complacency lack of sex narcissist etc...

 

I guess for me in trying to process things I'm trying to change grow and become stronger....But the why is the hardest for me. I know my whys, he said he doesn't know why...It's not the typical MM grew apart my wife neglects me I love you's etc....(no not serial cheater has never cheated before, doesn't want to have a side relationship)

 

No this is someone about to start their life. With someone they say they love

 

So interested to see what you all think....

Edited July 29, 2016 by Sunshinechica

[MidnightBlue1980]

Before I say anything else I want to say this is a generalization and does not apply to every person and every situation ....

 

A little background: 17mo. EA/PA I was married he was engaged. Am now in process of filing divorce he married 1 yr.

 

I've been reading some interesting old post. There is one I read that really stood out to me. I will try to paraphrase....the OW will always think well if he loves me and is unhappy how can he stay? Because for her ultimately love is the end goal it's everything....

For a MM love is not the goal, even if he does love her if he is unhappy etc....The A only helps him to stay married longer. Because he can be the responsible man, still love his wife take care of children, get other needs met etc.

 

People have A for many reasons complacency lack of sex narcissist etc...

 

I guess for me in trying to process things I'm trying to change grow and become stronger....But the why is the hardest for me. I know my whys, he said he doesn't know why...It's not the typical MM grew apart my wife neglects me I love you's etc....(no not serial cheater has never cheated before, doesn't want to have a side relationship)

 

No this is someone about to start their life. With someone they say they love

 

So interested to see what you all think....

 

It is not the first time I heard of someone getting married while having an affair. I had a coworker. She had a BF for 10 years. They bought a house and she was packing their stuff and found his wedding albums. He had gotten married and had a child in the middle of their relationship.

 

My friend had a friend who had a LTA with a married guy. During the 10 years the guy got divorced and married someone new, kept the OW on the side the whole time.

 

The difference Sunshine is you know this guy got married while with you. I think that behavior is really bad. It screams you do not love the person you are marrying and that is unfair and wrong. As to why someone would do it, its because the reasons are different - they like each woman for different reasons. Typically they will continue to cheat on the wife but probably never leave.

[enddeck]

The difference is a lot of men will have an affair if they think they will get away with it,whereas women are more emotionally involved.Not always but a fairly big percentage.

Men will have an affair after affair as long as they are sure they will not be caught,they never want to lose their marriage.I worked on building projects all over Europe when I was younger and you would see men who were happily married still have a ons or even an affair lasting a couple of months as long as their wife had no chance of ever finding out.

[Chica80]

 

The difference Sunshine is you know this guy got married while with you. I think that behavior is really bad. It screams you do not love the person you are marrying and that is unfair and wrong. As to why someone would do it, its because the reasons are different - they like each woman for different reasons. Typically they will continue to cheat on the wife but probably never leave.

 

I agree with you on the unfair point. I angry at him for that. I've never vilified his wife, shes innocent. Everyone sees them like oh so cute great couple....

 

But yes I agree we are very different. I just don't see it, it does not fit with the rest of him who he is. At all nobody would.

[loveisanaction]

The difference is a lot of men will have an affair if they think they will get away with it,whereas women are more emotionally involved.Not always but a fairly big percentage.

Men will have an affair after affair as long as they are sure they will not be caught,they never want to lose their marriage.I worked on building projects all over Europe when I was younger and you would see men who were happily married still have a ons or even an affair lasting a couple of months as long as their wife had no chance of ever finding out.

 

This is true..

 

A family friend once told me the story of his best friend who was getting married. This was his best friend's second marriage. Whilst he was still married to his first wife his best friend had an affair, the affair lasted almost 5 years. Him and his first wife divorced (not because of the affair); he asked my family friend and a few close buddies for advice because he was thinking of marrying his affair partner, he liked her and she was madly in love with him.

 

Well, my family friend and his buddies told him not to do it, that if his affair partner slept with him while he was married to his first wife that there's no doubt she'll continue to sleep with him if he re-marries again.

 

My family friend said his best friend thought about it then went ahead and found himself another girl, stated dating, her married her then sought out his affair partner and continued sleeping with her.

[DKT3]

Two things that many women find hard to believe 1) mm usually just doesn't get emotionally invested in the affair or AP. The ego boost the extra sex the excitement on the side is the top three goals 2) mm simply don't change how they view their wives. When mw have affairs it's more often then not like a scale, they have to take form the husband to give to married man, soon they have more invested in the mm then the husband.

 

Far too often the mw ends up divorced and mm remains married this is why.

[OneLov]

....But the why is the hardest for me. I know my whys, he said he doesn't know why...It's not the typical MM grew apart my wife neglects me I love you's etc....(no not serial cheater has never cheated before, doesn't want to have a side relationship)

 

No this is someone about to start their life. With someone they say they love

 

So interested to see what you all think....

 

Since we are talking in generalizations, this situation is not uncommon. As for the "why," please see below:

 

Reason No. 3

Marriage hits guys harder

Compared with dating and an engagement, marriage is serious business. It can seem like a drag, especially to men. "They feel this sudden responsibility to be a good provider and a good husband," says Terri Orbuch, Ph.D., a marriage therapist and research professor at the University of Michigan. "These expectations can make young men feel old and boring."

Ruth Houston, author of Is He Cheating on You? 829 Telltale Signs and founder of infidelityadvice.com, has conducted more than 10,000 interviews with cheaters and says: "Men want to recapture how they felt when they were dating, and if they can't do it with their wives, they'll look elsewhere."

 

Source: Newlywed Cheating On the Rise

[Whoknew30]

Two things that many women find hard to believe 1) mm usually just doesn't get emotionally invested in the affair or AP. The ego boost the extra sex the excitement on the side is the top three goals 2) mm simply don't change how they view their wives. When mw have affairs it's more often then not like a scale, they have to take form the husband to give to married man, soon they have more invested in the mm then the husband.

 

Far too often the mw ends up divorced and mm remains married this is why.

 

Disagree, most wives have A bc they truly weren't happy in their marriage to begin with & an AP gives them a actual reason to leave. Women won't just leave for no reason (even if they want to) especially when kids are involved.

 

Agree men can have A & not get emotional & men usually love their wives but they also don't leave bc of money & the kids. Men can love another woman but their reputation & how the people perceive them will always be on their mind. They can be bigger emotional cowards then women...that's why more married men have "the one that got away" vs married women.

[Whoknew30]

This is true..

 

A family friend once told me the story of his best friend who was getting married. This was his best friend's second marriage. Whilst he was still married to his first wife his best friend had an affair, the affair lasted almost 5 years. Him and his first wife divorced (not because of the affair); he asked my family friend and a few close buddies for advice because he was thinking of marrying his affair partner, he liked her and she was madly in love with him.

 

Well, my family friend and his buddies told him not to do it, that if his affair partner slept with him while he was married to his first wife that there's no doubt she'll continue to sleep with him if he re-marries again.

 

My family friend said his best friend thought about it then went ahead and found himself another girl, stated dating, her married her then sought out his affair partner and continued sleeping with her.

 

 

I know a guy kind of in the same situation. He has been having an A with a MW since before he got married, through the engagement & now through his marriage. I think the only reason he married his W is bc married woman won't get a divorce. It's kind of a sad situation. He loves his wife but I don't think in the same way he loves OW. I personally think if a person continues to put themselves in a position (with same A for years) to ruin their lives...there is something there. Excitement for sex only lasts so long.

[DKT3]

Disagree, most wives have A bc they truly weren't happy in their marriage to begin with & an AP gives them a actual reason to leave. Women won't just leave for no reason (even if they want to) especially when kids are involved.

 

Agree men can have A & not get emotional & men usually love their wives but they also don't leave bc of money & the kids. Men can love another woman but their reputation & how the people perceive them will always be on their mind. They can be bigger emotional cowards then women...that's why more married men have "the one that got away" vs married women.

 

Not buying it.....if you listen to the vast majority of mw you here stuff like I didn't realize I was unhappy until in the affair....how can one not be aware that they are unhappy? And how can one blame an affair on unhappiness they were unaware of until they were in the affair. I dont buy any of it, it's all justification and rationalising.

 

It's socially acceptable to blame the husband for the wife's indiscretion. My own mother's first question to me upon finding out about my wife's affair was "what did you do"

Edited July 29, 2016 by DKT3

[MidnightBlue1980]

Not buying it.....if you listen to the vast majority of mw you here stuff like I didn't realize I was unhappy until in the affair....how can one not be aware that they are unhappy? And how can one blame an affair on unhappiness they were unaware of until they were in the affair. I dont buy any of it, it's all justification and rationalising.

 

I agree. xMM said he had been looking for an affair for 5 years. He had been unhappy for 10 for very specific reasons. I was not really unhappy. He just said he loved me and I got sucked in for the all the usual reasons.

[DKT3]

Here is what I don't understand, when I was truly unhappy with my marriage another woman could have easily lured me away. It took me 14 months to pull the trigger on divorce, but if I had a woman I loved or even cared for i would have bounced in a matter of weeks.

[Chica80]

Disagree, most wives have A bc they truly weren't happy in their marriage to begin with & an AP gives them a actual reason to leave. Women won't just leave for no reason (even if they want to) especially when kids are involved.

 

Agree men can have A & not get emotional & men usually love their wives but they also don't leave bc of money & the kids. Men can love another woman but their reputation & how the people perceive them will always be on their mind. They can be bigger emotional cowards then women...that's why more married men have "the one that got away" vs married women.

 

 

Yes I agree....it's what I was trying to say....so many times on here, oh it was just sex it didn't mean anything....the sex thing I can understand a couple times, but after a whIle that's not the only reason...and these long term A that go on years....that's not just sex.

 

Reputation and how one is perceived especially in certain jobs or positions...

 

I'm not saying it justifies it or makes it ok.....it's not every relationship every A is so black and white.

 

I guess something that really stood out for me is love does not conquer all it is not the end all be all.

[lftbehind]

Two things that many women find hard to believe 1) mm usually just doesn't get emotionally invested in the affair or AP. The ego boost the extra sex the excitement on the side is the top three goals 2) mm simply don't change how they view their wives. When mw have affairs it's more often then not like a scale, they have to take form the husband to give to married man, soon they have more invested in the mm then the husband.

 

Far too often the mw ends up divorced and mm remains married this is why.

 

I don't see how the MM has such a high opinion of his wife, but will still cheat on her. I don't think that they really love the wife.

[DKT3]

I don't see how the MM has such a high opinion of his wife, but will still cheat on her. I don't think that they really love the wife.

 

Men and women are wired differently, some saying it's biological instinct. I won't get into the boring scientific evidence, but simply put, men don't need to justify to himself why he is sleeping with a woman not his wife. This need to justify for women is what actually does the damage in the marriage and its why the BH divorce at a much higher rate the the BW. That justification is normally done by demonizing the husband.

 

Someone showed a link to a video were the guy was showing how the male and female mind works, saying that for females it's all connected, but for males everything has its own box.

 

Mm keeps his boxes separate. When he is with his wife, he is WITH his work wife, thoughts of ow doesn't often enter his mind, some for when he is with mow/ow. The two don't connect. While women tend to take from the husband to give to mm.

[lftbehind]

Men and women are wired differently, some saying it's biological instinct. I won't get into the boring scientific evidence, but simply put, men don't need to justify to himself why he is sleeping with a woman not his wife. This need to justify for women is what actually does the damage in the marriage and its why the BH divorce at a much higher rate the the BW. That justification is normally done by demonizing the husband.

 

Someone showed a link to a video were the guy was showing how the male and female mind works, saying that for females it's all connected, but for males everything has its own box.

 

Mm keeps his boxes separate. When he is with his wife, he is WITH his work wife, thoughts of ow doesn't often enter his mind, some for when he is with mow/ow. The two don't connect. While women tend to take from the husband to give to mm.

 

My MM tried to justify why he was having an A, by saying that she was always criticizing him, they didn't talk, etc. I understand about the boxes for men and things being connected for women. I just don't buy that the MM man really, truly loves his W or he wouldn't be cheating on her. He wouldn't want to.

[not-so-sure]

Disagree, most wives have A bc they truly weren't happy in their marriage to begin with & an AP gives them a actual reason to leave. Women won't just leave for no reason (even if they want to) especially when kids are involved.

 

Agree men can have A & not get emotional & men usually love their wives but they also don't leave bc of money & the kids. Men can love another woman but their reputation & how the people perceive them will always be on their mind. They can be bigger emotional cowards then women...that's why more married men have "the one that got away" vs married women.

 

Even three years after my first affair and now a few months after it resumed and finished I am still conflicted. I am currently in therapy again to see what I can pick up from the wreckage. Maybe I am an outlier in the MM stakes, but kids and the lack of any real conflict at home and my own upbringing as a child of divorce really informed my choice to stay.

 

Perhaps I am coward and didn't leave to chase the AP but she is still in my head.

[DKT3]

My MM tried to justify why he was having an A, by saying that she was always criticizing him, they didn't talk, etc. I understand about the boxes for men and things being connected for women. I just don't buy that the MM man really, truly loves his W or he wouldn't be cheating on her. He wouldn't want to.

 

And that's what I'm talking about filling in the blanks. It's serves a purpose for you to believe he doesn't love his wife. It makes it more real for you. See he doesn't have to do much, your convincing yourself he doesn't.

 

Justifying to you, not to himself, again telling you what you want to hear.

 

If it was true that mm really loved mow and didn't love the wife then men would leave more often.

 

Don't fill in the blanks, judge his honest actions to get your true answers.

[Poppy47]

Men and women are wired differently, some saying it's biological instinct. I won't get into the boring scientific evidence, but simply put, men don't need to justify to himself why he is sleeping with a woman not his wife. This need to justify for women is what actually does the damage in the marriage and its why the BH divorce at a much higher rate the the BW. That justification is normally done by demonizing the husband.

 

Someone showed a link to a video were the guy was showing how the male and female mind works, saying that for females it's all connected, but for males everything has its own box.

 

Mm keeps his boxes separate. When he is with his wife, he is WITH his work wife, thoughts of ow doesn't often enter his mind, some for when he is with mow/ow. The two don't connect. While women tend to take from the husband to give to mm.

 

How then, if not thinking of the OW do MM manage to text and phone all day and half the night?

 

Poppy.

[Adoraxx]

Men and women are wired differently, some saying it's biological instinct. I won't get into the boring scientific evidence, but simply put, men don't need to justify to himself why he is sleeping with a woman not his wife. This need to justify for women is what actually does the damage in the marriage and its why the BH divorce at a much higher rate the the BW. That justification is normally done by demonizing the husband.

 

Someone showed a link to a video were the guy was showing how the male and female mind works, saying that for females it's all connected, but for males everything has its own box.

 

Mm keeps his boxes separate. When he is with his wife, he is WITH his work wife, thoughts of ow doesn't often enter his mind, some for when he is with mow/ow. The two don't connect. While women tend to take from the husband to give to mm.

 

I totally believe this is true. When xMM is with W, I don't cross his mind unless he's really really bored and then he might send me an email. It's like when he wants to use a tool and then after using the tool, he puts it back in the shed until he wants to use it again for some kind of reason.

 

I once asked him how it's possible that he doesn't think of me when he's at home and he said: "Well, I just keep busy. I do this and I do that and when I'm busy, I'm not thinking. Sure, I sometimes think of you. When I'm in the bathroom for example. Or when I'm smoking a cigarette." But that's about it. The rest of the time he is focused on doing multiple chores and of course focused on his W ( who is btw just as psychopathic as he is and I know her fairly well so it's not that I'm saying that just because she is his W. But that's a whole other topic).

[Grey Cloud]

I don't see how the MM has such a high opinion of his wife, but will still cheat on her. I don't think that they really love the wife.

 

I used to think like this. I never understood how my xMM could cheat if he loved his wife and thought that he must not love her. But I have seen enough now to realise that he really does love her. The difference is that he doesn't respect that love. Fulfilling his needs are selfishly more important and if he can get away with it without her knowing then he will. Other men respect the love they have for their wife's and would never consider cheating as an option.

[enddeck]

I worked with a guy once on a building job which kept us away from home Monday to Friday.I wasn't that close to him but we ended up sharing a house with some other people.

He always had a girlfriend,not always the same one but there was always a girl on the scene.I could never understand why he always went home at the weekend though.

About eight months into this contract he invited me to his wedding.I was very surprised and asked him who he was marrying.It turned out he had a long term girlfriend and a son who he went home to at the weekend.

He got married,went on honeymoon and then came back to work on the following Monday,that night he was out with another girl.He had only came back from honeymoon the previous day!

I was his boss and one day I asked him what the hell he was playing at.He told me he lived two separate lives and never let them interconnect.When he was at home he was a devoted boyfriend/husband,but once he was away from home he was a single man playing the field.That was almost twenty five years ago and cell phones,Facebook Instagram were unheard of so he would not get away with it now.

This is what people mean by boxes.

[BuddyX]

While Its easy to generalize men, let's not forget the women who fall for this crap. If a man keeps telling you the sky is green and you believe him, then that's a you problem.

 

Men will try to procreate and spread the seed as much as possible. You women, are our counter balance. You tell us No. You keep thr dyanamic in check.

 

"If you keep dancing with the devil, don't ask yourself why you're still in hell."

[DKT3]

While Its easy to generalize men, let's not forget the women who fall for this crap. If a man keeps telling you the sky is green and you believe him, then that's a you problem.

 

Men will try to procreate and spread the seed as much as possible. You women, are our counter balance. You tell us No. You keep thr dyanamic in check.

 

"If you keep dancing with the devil, don't ask yourself why you're still in hell."

 

Correct,

 

I wanted to not throw science in the mix, but I will a little. The female body produces two chemicals when breastfeeding and with orgasming called oxytocin and prolactin. They serve two purposes 1) produce milk 2) promote bonding and falling in love. Thus known as the cuddle chemicals.

 

The male body produces a small amount of oxytocin but not during sex.

 

This is a major factor in why men can have sex more freely without emotional entanglement. It's also the reason that women, once sexual in affairs have a hard time connecting with the husband.

 

What's the difference? Biology oxytocin, prolactin... social conditioning boys will be boys, men cheat, husbands force women to cheat. We cheat because we are dogs, women cheat because we are dogs.

 

Every person that has ever cheated does so for one of two reasons...1) too cowardly to end a bad relationship 2) selfish and entitled, believing it's their right to have both.

[Whoknew30]

Not buying it.....if you listen to the vast majority of mw you here stuff like I didn't realize I was unhappy until in the affair....how can one not be aware that they are unhappy? And how can one blame an affair on unhappiness they were unaware of until they were in the affair. I dont buy any of it, it's all justification and rationalising.

 

It's socially acceptable to blame the husband for the wife's indiscretion. My own mother's first question to me upon finding out about my wife's affair was "what did you do"

 

I'm a woman that had an A & know other women that also had A...not one of us were happy. They know their unhappy that's how they get into an A, it heightens the problems bc someone else is treating them well. Not only in my personal but also satistical true, the majority of woman have A bc they're already unhappy.