Difference between MM and OW in affair

[Quiet Storm]

How misogynistic of you to tell me why I had an A. You know nothing of my situation unless you read my posts. I've been married since I was a teen & completely know why I had an A & how hard I tried to save my marriage before hand. So you know why women have A & why I did...So you know more about woman then they do themselves...interesting. I'm wondering how knowing all you know is working out for you In relationships?

 

There are many unhappily married people who never have affairs, though.

 

Unhappiness can be handled in different ways. One woman might feel "I'm so unhappy. I tried everything to fix my marriage and nothing works. I deserve to be happy. I deserve love and attention." All it takes in this scenario is bad boundaries and a guy giving her attention and she's in an affair. Her path to happiness involves nurturing a relationship with another guy.

 

Another woman might feel "I'm so unhappy. I tried everything to fix my marriage and nothing works. But I am not a cheater. I am not a liar." She won't compromise her own values and standards on her quest for happiness. If she wants to stay married despite the unhappiness, she might find happiness in her friends, her activities, her interests, her children, etc.

 

Life is a series of moments- moments of joy, moments of fear, moments of anger, moments of insecurity, moments of peace, moments of anxiety, moments of laughter, moments of pride, moments of fun, etc.

 

Unhappiness may be your conscious reason for cheating, but why did you choose to cope with that unhappiness by having an affair? Many factors (besides unhappiness) play a part- your character, your temperament, your coping skills & your ability to self soothe, your boundaries, etc.

[DKT3]

Do people in A have poor boundaries, YES they do. I don't disagree.

 

I don't know your situation or anything about you. BUT for you to tell someone else the reason they had an affair. Or how all men work....

 

This makes you bias....it makes you believe what you want to believe what helps you heal. Your wife had an A.. You can find all the science all the facts that support your point of view.

 

Not everyone fits in "your box" you see MM post on here how much they miss or love their AP. So your point that they don't think about the other person not their wife may or may not be true you don't know.

 

Bias towards what?

 

Nothing is ever absolute, no where did I say all men or all women. I did say that all affairs happened because of poor boundaries. But that is factual. However no all cheating happens because of poor boundaries. Affairs require continued efforts to lie and deceive, the. Choice to have an affair is made everyday throughout the duration of the affair. That is because of a lack of boundaries, and a personal issue that goes beyond any issue within the marriage. It is an issue all of its own.

[Whoknew30]

There are many unhappily married people who never have affairs, though.

 

Unhappiness can be handled in different ways. One woman might feel "I'm so unhappy. I tried everything to fix my marriage and nothing works. I deserve to be happy. I deserve love and attention." All it takes in this scenario is bad boundaries and a guy giving her attention and she's in an affair. Her path to happiness involves nurturing a relationship with another guy.

 

Another woman might feel "I'm so unhappy. I tried everything to fix my marriage and nothing works. But I am not a cheater. I am not a liar." She won't compromise her own values and standards on her quest for happiness. If she wants to stay married despite the unhappiness, she might find happiness in her friends, her activities, her interests, her children, etc.

 

Life is a series of moments- moments of joy, moments of fear, moments of anger, moments of insecurity, moments of peace, moments of anxiety, moments of laughter, moments of pride, moments of fun, etc.

 

Unhappiness may be your conscious reason for cheating, but why did you choose to cope with that unhappiness by having an affair? Many factors (besides unhappiness) play a part- your character, your temperament, your coping skills & your ability to self soothe, your boundaries, etc.

 

All I'm saying is, unhappiness helps to air an A, like air to a fire. There is no conscious reason to do a lot of things but it certain issues can make it certain behaviors more understandable. Humans aren't perfect (men or woman) & that is why you'll always have A & multiple other things that "aren't right" in life. Since the beginning of time

[DKT3]

Actually a lot of divorce filings are in reconcilable differences which can mean an A. Like in my state, it doesn't matter if you have a picture of you spouse having an A, doesn't matter it's 50/50 & a lot of people don't divorce bc of an A...you're a prime example. Also when you have kids, people usually don't walk in the court room screaming about an A bc they're divorcing anyways, so what the point of airing their dirty laundry to the public? Marriage is over, time to move on.

 

My wife had an affair, but its not the reason I divorced her, were that true we would have never remarried. I divorced my wife because she wouldn't be honest with me, because she didn't trust me enough to share her true self. I became enraged and then one day I simply didn't care. I understood it would be a benefit for my kids to have healthy parents not one who was bitter and angry and the other too scared to breathe for fear of exposure, saddest part is she knew I knew. Go figure.

[Whoknew30]

Bias towards what?

 

Nothing is ever absolute, no where did I say all men or all women. I did say that all affairs happened because of poor boundaries. But that is factual. However no all cheating happens because of poor boundaries. Affairs require continued efforts to lie and deceive, the. Choice to have an affair is made everyday throughout the duration of the affair. That is because of a lack of boundaries, and a personal issue that goes beyond any issue within the marriage. It is an issue all of its own.

 

You forgave your wife for her A? Which evidently means you really love her...but what would it have been like if she handled her situation by just leaving you? How would you have handled her just walking away & not coming back? Would that have been a better scenario for you?

 

Im honestly asking? I haven't worked in so long & conversations like this are so interesting to me.

[Whoknew30]

You forgave your wife for her A? Which evidently means you really love her...but what would it have been like if she handled her situation by just leaving you? How would you have handled her just walking away & not coming back? Would that have been a better scenario for you?

 

Im honestly asking? I haven't worked in so long & conversations like this are so interesting to me.

 

Ok sorry, I assumed when you said that you were out to eat it was the with the wife that had an affair...apologize for my assumption.

[Whoknew30]

My wife had an affair, but its not the reason I divorced her, were that true we would have never remarried. I divorced my wife because she wouldn't be honest with me, because she didn't trust me enough to share her true self. I became enraged and then one day I simply didn't care. I understood it would be a benefit for my kids to have healthy parents not one who was bitter and angry and the other too scared to breathe for fear of exposure, saddest part is she knew I knew. Go figure.

 

That's how I felt with my H. He never would share his inner self with me. I admitted to A, he didn't. I caught him & that's when it all blew up. He left for awhile bc he thought id come running & I didn't. I also cut off A bc i only did it to exit in the first place. I could have never said "I just want a divorce" I feared that bc everyone would have turned in me for not trying hard enough. At least an A gave a actual reason. Once he realized I wasn't going to come to him, is when all his walls FINALLY broke down. In almost died on him & me being so I'll & mixed in with all his emotional crap from his child hood, really messed him up. I came to understand why he did what he did (wasn't right) & I finally understood him. That's all I wanted, I felt so abandoned from him at my lowest point in life & came to understand he was terrified & just handled it wrong. That's what I mean about fear getting the best of someone. He was scared to touch me, upset me, that he was gonna lose me...he was scared of everything & it was all beyond his control, the one thing he could control was his A.

[DKT3]

You forgave your wife for her A? Which evidently means you really love her...but what would it have been like if she handled her situation by just leaving you? How would you have handled her just walking away & not coming back? Would that have been a better scenario for you?

 

Im honestly asking? I haven't worked in so long & conversations like this are so interesting to me.

 

I would have preferred she simply left, she was unhappy about my career, I travelled a ton upwards of 250-275 days a year. But our marriage in many ways was like an affair, all fun and exciting. But she longed for the everyday life with me. In the affair she had that, they would go to café ride bikes hiking or just sit and talk. We're it not for the sex stuff I would not have objected to the friendship. It wasn't an overly sexual affair (only a couple times in 20 months) because after all she was getting her fill there from me...you know hotel sex after walking the beaches of Florida, carriage ride in New York, wine country in California, even tons of international stops.

 

We spent so little actual time together that she began to stop talking to me about issues because it's not how she wanted to spend our limited time.

 

The actual affair I was over a long time ago, it was the other things. Example, buying both if us the same gifts, the oddest things got to me. Mostly the sharing with him things she didn't trust me with.

[Whoknew30]

I would have preferred she simply left, she was unhappy about my career, I travelled a ton upwards of 250-275 days a year. But our marriage in many ways was like an affair, all fun and exciting. But she longed for the everyday life with me. In the affair she had that, they would go to café ride bikes hiking or just sit and talk. We're it not for the sex stuff I would not have objected to the friendship. It wasn't an overly sexual affair (only a couple times in 20 months) because after all she was getting her fill there from me...you know hotel sex after walking the beaches of Florida, carriage ride in New York, wine country in California, even tons of international stops.

 

We spent so little actual time together that she began to stop talking to me about issues because it's not how she wanted to spend our limited time.

 

The actual affair I was over a long time ago, it was the other things. Example, buying both if us the same gifts, the oddest things got to me. Mostly the sharing with him things she didn't trust me with.

 

That's a extremely difficult situation for both of you. You were working & she (most likely) even though it was beyond your control felt a little abandon. No gets married to be alone & the loneliest feeling is feeling lonely while married. I remember nights laying next to my H but we felt a million miles away & I would just cry & cry...he would just brush it off. She probably trusted him more bc he was there daily...it's why I felt safe with my A partner. He actually spoke to me openly, so different than my H.

 

Marriage isn't easy & there are a million ways to screw it up...most people don't get into marriage with the thought they're going to be that person that has an A but most people also don't know how they're going to handle hard things about marriage & there's no guide to how it gets off track. I hope things are better for you now

[DKT3]

That's a extremely difficult situation for both of you. You were working & she (most likely) even though it was beyond your control felt a little abandon. No gets married to be alone & the loneliest feeling is feeling lonely while married. I remember nights laying next to my H but we felt a million miles away & I would just cry & cry...he would just brush it off. She probably trusted him more bc he was there daily...it's why I felt safe with my A partner. He actually spoke to me openly, so different than my H.

 

Marriage isn't easy & there are a million ways to screw it up...most people don't get into marriage with the thought they're going to be that person that has an A but most people also don't know how they're going to handle hard things about marriage & there's no guide to how it gets off track. I hope things are better for you now

 

We've been together since high school me 17 her 16. 25+ years is a long time, but she's alright I'll let her hang around.

 

She actually posts here, sometimes. We are doing great . We often talk about how we hit the reset button that will gas us up for the next 25 years.

[Daisy2013]

 

Someone showed a link to a video were the guy was showing how the male and female mind works, saying that for females it's all connected, but for males everything has its own box.

 

Mm keeps his boxes separate. When he is with his wife, he is WITH his work wife, thoughts of ow doesn't often enter his mind, some for when he is with mow/ow. The two don't connect. While women tend to take from the husband to give to mm.[/quote

 

My MM used to say this exactly. He would say that men have boxes and could compartmentalize when I'd ask how come it was so easy for him to be away from me. And said that women thought differently. That used to crush me. But, he didn't like it too much when our time was up and I'd say it was time for me to get back in my box. He would get all upset and say I was being snarky. I would give anything in this world to be able to box him up and forget him and never have a memory. Anything. Maybe I can become a man and the boxes would be included.

[Chica80]

Been feeling so down lately.

I feel like I give MM so much space and time in my head. I doubt he sits around thinking oh is she ok or I wonder what she is up to.....

 

I'm just venting it's been rough couple of days.

[imperfectangel]

Sorry I don't know your story. Are you in NC?

 

I think they do think about their ow but compartmentalise much better

[Lobe]

Been feeling so down lately.

I feel like I give MM so much space and time in my head. I doubt he sits around thinking oh is she ok or I wonder what she is up to.....

 

I'm just venting it's been rough couple of days.

 

SSChica, hang in there. Is there something you can do to distract or give yourself negative reinforcement with? I've heard of people who wear an elastic band on their wrist and every time they start having obsessive thoughts they literally snap the rubber band. It's supposedly highly effective though there's a "tapping" method called "EFT" I've heard of as well as one about eye movement (can't remember the acronym of that one) that don't involve causing yourself physical pain... lol

[Chica80]

Sorry I don't know your story. Are you in NC?

 

I think they do think about their ow but compartmentalise much better

 

Total NC is not possible, as we wrk together.

I've posted alot in the (destabilization thread) my story.

We just "broke up" for the gazillionth time if you want to call it that. It's been LC for about a month.

 

I just feel so angry at times. Why do you get to have the perfect happy life. Lovely wife happy life etc.... (I feel this way when I'm upset, hurt)

 

Anyone else feel this way?

 

LOBE Thank you. I try, yes distract myself stay busy etc. I don't know about the physical pain......haha I already feel alot of that.

[DKT3]

Total NC is not possible, as we wrk together.

I've posted alot in the (destabilization thread) my story.

We just "broke up" for the gazillionth time if you want to call it that. It's been LC for about a month.

 

I just feel so angry at times. Why do you get to have the perfect happy life. Lovely wife happy life etc.... (I feel this way when I'm upset, hurt)

 

Anyone else feel this way?

 

LOBE Thank you. I try, yes distract myself stay busy etc. I don't know about the physical pain......haha I already feel alot of that.

LC is still contact.

 

The long you engage the longer you will hurt, hell maybe even fall back into it a couple more times. NC is the only way to go, and it is possible, if you want it to be. Sometimes we use any excuse we can to do or not do what's best.

[Chica80]

LC is still contact.

 

The long you engage the longer you will hurt, hell maybe even fall back into it a couple more times. NC is the only way to go, and it is possible, if you want it to be. Sometimes we use any excuse we can to do or not do what's best.

 

Yes agree about LC...you're right. We always do fall back.

He's a type of crutch. A safe place and a destructive place.

[whatever29]

There are many unhappily married people who never have affairs, though.

 

Unhappiness can be handled in different ways. One woman might feel "I'm so unhappy. I tried everything to fix my marriage and nothing works. I deserve to be happy. I deserve love and attention." All it takes in this scenario is bad boundaries and a guy giving her attention and she's in an affair. Her path to happiness involves nurturing a relationship with another guy.

 

Another woman might feel "I'm so unhappy. I tried everything to fix my marriage and nothing works. But I am not a cheater. I am not a liar." She won't compromise her own values and standards on her quest for happiness. If she wants to stay married despite the unhappiness, she might find happiness in her friends, her activities, her interests, her children, etc.

 

Life is a series of moments- moments of joy, moments of fear, moments of anger, moments of insecurity, moments of peace, moments of anxiety, moments of laughter, moments of pride, moments of fun, etc.

 

Unhappiness may be your conscious reason for cheating, but why did you choose to cope with that unhappiness by having an affair? Many factors (besides unhappiness) play a part- your character, your temperament, your coping skills & your ability to self soothe, your boundaries, etc.

 

I was with someone for 18 years, but never married. To us it was just a piece of paper and it didn't matter. He just wasn't the type to cheat. At about 10 years into the relationship, I went back to college 700 miles away. I was 30 and living on campus even. Would have been easy to cheat, yet I never did. I had male friends and it seemed they just respected that I was committed. Did I consider cheating, yes just for sex. We all need to be touched by another. Still I never did it. Probably because of those chemicals, I knew I wanted more.

 

Over time, we became bored with each other. We were roommates sleeping in separate rooms for the last six years or so. It got old sleeping alone and begging him for sex. Still I did not cheat. I still respected him and had a different type of love for him.

 

Over time I realized I had to work on love within myself in order to give it to others. I knew that having an affair would not solve the problem between us.

 

I also had to realize that time was passing and I needed to end the life we had together. That was the only way to be happy. We are still friends. We get together every week. It's like nothing really changed except we don't live together anymore.

 

I guess the point is - I agree not all unhappy people cheat.

[DKT3]

I was with someone for 18 years, but never married. To us it was just a piece of paper and it didn't matter. He just wasn't the type to cheat. At about 10 years into the relationship, I went back to college 700 miles away. I was 30 and living on campus even. Would have been easy to cheat, yet I never did. I had male friends and it seemed they just respected that I was committed. Did I consider cheating, yes just for sex. We all need to be touched by another. Still I never did it. Probably because of those chemicals, I knew I wanted more.

 

Over time, we became bored with each other. We were roommates sleeping in separate rooms for the last six years or so. It got old sleeping alone and begging him for sex. Still I did not cheat. I still respected him and had a different type of love for him.

 

Over time I realized I had to work on love within myself in order to give it to others. I knew that having an affair would not solve the problem between us.

 

I also had to realize that time was passing and I needed to end the life we had together. That was the only way to be happy. We are still friends. We get together every week. It's like nothing really changed except we don't live together anymore.

 

I guess the point is - I agree not all unhappy people cheat.

And not all people that cheat are unhappy.

Edited August 6, 2016 by DKT3

[Chica80]

I agree about the finding happiness internal...it's one of my own personal struggles. Self love self acceptance self respect self worth.

 

For me I just wanted a way out. I was tired and exhausted of the constant trying and fighting. Feeling like I was alone and the only one trying. The only one to make an effort. Of feeling lIke I was loved as long as I behaved as long as I performed aand acted how I was supposed to.

Is it an excuse. No its not. It's poor coping poor boundaries..

 

It's hearing things I needed to hear that I couldn't believe: that I'm normal that I'm worthy that I'm whatever fill in the blank.

 

I believed (still think) he's is amazing . If somehow this amazing person this person I admire and look up to picked me chose me over everything else. Than I was worthy. I mattered. But I knew it would never be. So it reinforces what I think about myself. .

 

Sorry this is long. Just thinking out loud.

[Grey Cloud]

I agree about the finding happiness internal...it's one of my own personal struggles. Self love self acceptance self respect self worth.

 

For me I just wanted a way out. I was tired and exhausted of the constant trying and fighting. Feeling like I was alone and the only one trying. The only one to make an effort. Of feeling lIke I was loved as long as I behaved as long as I performed aand acted how I was supposed to.

Is it an excuse. No its not. It's poor coping poor boundaries..

 

It's hearing things I needed to hear that I couldn't believe: that I'm normal that I'm worthy that I'm whatever fill in the blank.

 

I believed (still think) he's is amazing . If somehow this amazing person this person I admire and look up to picked me chose me over everything else. Than I was worthy. I mattered. But I knew it would never be. So it reinforces what I think about myself. .

 

Sorry this is long. Just thinking out loud.

 

That's funny you should mention about being loved only if you were behaving and acting/performing how you were "supposed" to.

 

That is so true! When I was laid back and chilled and made no demands of my xMM I was fun and sexy etc. The minute I challenged him or appeared emotional he used to give me the silent treatment. Then I would apologise for being "dramatic" (his words), like I had done something wrong and then he would come back around. That is why I am now in permanent NC (after 5 long and draining months being in LC as "friends").

 

Btw, I doubt your xMM is amazing. No such thing as the perfect guy - especially one who lies and cheats on his wife! Every xMM appears amazing in the affair to the OW - why else would they be with a manipulative, lying cheat?

 

I bet after some time and distance you will see he wasn't so amazing after all and there were several red flags that were ignored being so swept up in the fog. Don't attach your self worth to this man. You are better than that!

[Chica80]

That's funny you should mention about being loved only if you were behaving and acting/performing how you were "supposed" to.

 

That is so true! When I was laid back and chilled and made no demands of my xMM I was fun and sexy etc. The minute I challenged him or appeared emotional he used to give me the silent treatment. Then I would apologise for being "dramatic" (his words), like I had done something wrong and then he would come back around. That is why I am now in permanent NC (after 5 long and draining months being in LC as "friends").

 

Btw, I doubt your xMM is amazing. No such thing as the perfect guy - especially one who lies and cheats on his wife! Every xMM appears amazing in the affair to the OW - why else would they be with a manipulative, lying cheat?

 

 

I bet after some time and distance you will see he wasn't so amazing after all and there were several red flags that were ignored being so swept up in the fog. Don't attach your self worth to this man. You are better than that!

 

Oh I wasn't talking about MM I was talking about H. If I "performed" how I was supposed to I was "rewarded" with love. If not I was "punished" emotionally. He admitted as much during MC. We would have an argument and I thought we had made up. He would still be angry about it and push me away, and I had no idea except just feeling rejected.

 

I would not say that our A is always "Fun and light" I don't hold back. If i'm angry I say so. We joked once this is the worst affair ever as it was a lot of work and not really getting any "percs". The constant emotional roller coaster.

 

I agree about the LC/NC. WE AP and I had an argument tonight. He invited some friends out tonight. Said "You're welcome to come to, though I doubt you will want to"

 

I don't know why it made me so angry!! This is all kind of messed up. WE can't be together and yes they are legitimate and real reasons. But I'm supposed to want to stay friends? Smile at you pretend I'm ok. Smile at your wife and act like nothing.... Watch her hold your hand and always holding onto you.?

 

 

***Sorry I guess I should clarify. The awful feelings were there w H. I think that's why I allowed myself to be w MM. I thought AP was so great and if he chose me then it would validate me that I was worthy****

Edited August 6, 2016 by Sunshinechica

[Chica80]

First the sadness now the anger. IF I could put into words what is it that makes me the most angry about AP. ****I am not a victim nor am I putting total blame on him****

 

"I enjoy talking to you" "I enjoy spending time with you" I'm good enough to talk to spend time with. Share things with that you say you don't talk to anyone else about. OH and occasionally get off with. Let's not forget that! But I'm not good enough to have anything real with! YOU want to be my friend, is that supposed to be some ***tty consolation back up prize?

 

I'm angry....but the problem is I've been here before, this subsides and I go back and forth. Eventually this will fade and sadness remains. That's the hard part.

 

 

Because bad people cheat, good people cheat happy people cheat unhappy people cheat. What is the freaking point of any of it???? It's all a mess and everyone gets hurt!!!

Edited August 6, 2016 by Sunshinechica

[Mind-Chants]

Do you know of George M. Stratton's psychology experiments? One in which he wore glasses that inverted images up-down and left-right. Within a few DAYS (not months or years) his mind and his vision adjusted to the warped images his eyes were forced to view. He was actually in shock when those glasses were removed!

 

If you stay in an environment long enough, your mind, body, and senses start to adjust to its surroundings and process everything as "normal". Then when you are removed from that environment, you actually end up getting a shocking realization of how strange the actual "normal" environment now feels.

 

The human mind and psychology are mind boggling and complex.

 

When you live in a bad/unhappy/dysfunctional marriage day after day, year after year, your mind forces itself to adapt by subconsciously convincing itself that what's present is the norm.

 

I have recently left my marriage. For over a decade and a half I was in this marriage, constantly depressed, but never knew that the source was my marriage. I had an affair, but I am not the one to initiate it. Once I had the affair, that's when I started to put the pieces together about how broken my marriage was. I looked up "spousal emotional abuse" and I checked off all but one symptom. I really thought that all marriages were celibate from start to end, because that was my reality.

 

If you still aren't buying it, then how do you explain Stockholm Syndrome or Battered Wife Syndrome where the abused continue to defend and support their captors and abusers? Once removed from the abusive environment, these women all end up with the same line "it's like I had blinders over my eyes all this time". How do you explain so many billions of children who are abused who grow up to be abusive parents themselves and never know that there's a different reality out there?

 

Human psychology is fascinating.

 

There is a fundamental flaw in this argument. Human Behavior is product of Nature and Nurture (Environment Conditions as you call it). What you just described is just the environment part. But it is not the same for all. Some people are just strong enough to face situations, some are just not.

Regarding Stockholm Syndrome, some people fall into the abusive environment by captors and accept it while some others fight every moment and wait for that narrow opportunity to escape. And in some cases they are for decades. Ariel Castro case, Natascha Maria Kampusch case etc.

[elaine567]

I think they do think about their ow but compartmentalise much better

 

But is it not also easier and more necessary to compartmentalize when there is something to compartmentalize.

MM compartmentalize wives and gfs because they would be in all sorts of trouble if they didn't. They need to keep things in separate boxes and they need to introduce some distance too, else they would not know if they were coming or going.

 

Wife - likes shopping for jewellery, vanilla, wears red bikini...

GF - likes playing sports, not vanilla, wears blue bikini...

 

Note to self - do not buy blue bikini or handcuffs for wife AND do not buy jewellery or red bikini for gf.

 

There is no need to compartmentalize, if the MM is your one and only.