Difference between MM and OW in affair

[Whoknew30]

 

I'm not sure I understand what you're saying here.

 

I'm confused. But the relationship I had after my divorce was a year later, and it wasn't a marriage.

 

Our second marriage is a work in progress, as are all marriages. Do I still have affects from the affair? Absolutely, as does ever bs, the affair has changed me forever, it changed how I veiw relationships, it changed how I look at the world. Is that good or bad? Both.

 

This much I'm confident in, it would have been much easier had she left without the affair. Not to mention the affects it's had on our son, we now fear it's damaged his views of relationships.

 

 

I'm confused, did you remarry your first wife?

 

What view changed? That sometimes people handle problems in the wrong manor? That's nothing can be as bad as cheating? These are all things that by adulthood everyone should know...people make bad choices sometimes. If it has changed your whole view in a negative way, that's really more of an internal issue. When something bad happens in life, you either get better or get bitter...if you get bitter, one can't blame anyone else for that. Yes, you can ask that they take ownership of what they did to you but ultimately we choose how to handle things either positively or negatively. Saying you don't have a choice in that is no different than someone saying I had no choice in having an A. You also don't know if it would have been easier if she just left...a lot of what is said is called fortune telling...meaning you think that but you don't know. If you got a divorce & you couldn't let go of the A, after marriage was over it sounds like it's more of an ego problem you need to face. If you were never home (going by what you said) doesn't sound like that's much of a marriage to begin with. Honestly if I wasn't ever home, tracking while married an A wouldn't be such a shock to me. Once again not that's it's right but a lonely existence can definitely help in bad choices.

 

Your son should be taught that love can be great & it can be hurtful. That one will never know what marriage can bring. It can fail or succeed, like anything in life. It's called teach him reality, not in a negative way but isn't that with everything and anything, one has a possibility of being betrayed in life in pretty much any situation? You'll never go wrong with truth in raising kids...if it makes you feel better my H & I both had A. My daughter is a extremely well adjusted 17 year old (according to a family therapist) that is a honor student, works 2 jobs full time (on her own, we didn't even tell her to get a job) & has never been in any trouble & this after my H & I were completely honest with her, that our marriage problems had absolutely nothing to do with her. We're very open with her & honest about how nothing is perfect & sometimes love & marriage isn't either. She dates but had no problem telling guys she doesn't want anything serious bc she's not ready for that in her life right now...if you have a bitter way if thinking it will pass on to your son. Kids aren't dumb, they can see right through their parents.

[Midwestmissy]

I'm pretty sure the 20+ yrs I spent with my husband prior to the affair were not a lie. His awareness of himself is what's different. He loved me, we had amazing life moments - but like so much else, what smacks you in the face in your 40s can be shocking. His understanding of his upbringing changed. His awareness that every time he was unhappy, he blamed me - also changed. So we didn't live a lie - which I think some ow love to believe - we grew up. My life with him since the age of 18 hadn't been a lie. The lies were during the affair. He wasn't aware of issues until after. They never appeared. Great partner, dad, entrepreneur. His inner turmoil didn't manifest so our marriage wasn't a lie.

[Whoknew30]

I'm pretty sure the 20+ yrs I spent with my husband prior to the affair were not a lie. His awareness of himself is what's different. He loved me, we had amazing life moments - but like so much else, what smacks you in the face in your 40s can be shocking. His understanding of his upbringing changed. His awareness that every time he was unhappy, he blamed me - also changed. So we didn't live a lie - which I think some ow love to believe - we grew up. My life with him since the age of 18 hadn't been a lie. The lies were during the affair. He wasn't aware of issues until after. They never appeared. Great partner, dad, entrepreneur. His inner turmoil didn't manifest so our marriage wasn't a lie.[/quote

 

Him having internal issues & blaming you are two different things. He is wrong to blame you for what was going on with him but he had things going on with him that you didn't know about, which is a disconnect in a marriage. His affair was wrong but if he had been struggling with issues he couldn't tell you that many years before had an A, then everything wasn't so great for him. That doesn't take away moments bc one can't be down every day also like not jumping for joy everyday. He was unhappy & all I hear is "he was blaming me" (which once again wrong) but he was still unhappy before the A (now I'm going by what you've stated) & this is my point sometimes about BS...you're saying everything was fine except for A but say he was unhappy bc (whatever reason) before A bit A was the only problem...with all due respect that doesn't make any sense.

 

His inner turmoil did manifest...it turned into an A.

[DKT3]

Again unhappiness doesn't turn into affairs, if they do then there would be 100% affairs in 100% of relationships. So why isn't there?

[Whoknew30]

Again unhappiness doesn't turn into affairs, if they do then there would be 100% affairs in 100% of relationships. So why isn't there?

 

No but 100% of A are based on unhappiness wether bc of a unhappy relationship or unhappy within inside. So why out of those 100% do you think they do it...let me guess bc of ALL the millions in history that have had A, their only problem was bad boundaries?

 

She said his feelings didn't manifest into anything but yet he had A...that was his symptom of a bigger internal problem...others gamble, drink, do drugs, become workaholics, are abusive...so there are the other answers to what others do when having some kind of problem...none of them are healthy ways of dealing with issues yet millions of people all over the world handle their issues in one of those manners.

[Midwestmissy]

Wow, you know so much. Your life must be perfect. You seem pretty defensive about other peoples issues - I'm coming up on 50 - I've learned a lot in 5 yrs compared to the 44 before. Not sure how old you are, but you might need to loosen up on your convictions about my marriage. Or anyone else's. Until you've set foot in someone else's life you really don't know. So please don't make assumptions. You're spouting off a bit.

[Whoknew30]

Wow, you know so much. Your life must be perfect. You seem pretty defensive about other peoples issues - I'm coming up on 50 - I've learned a lot in 5 yrs compared to the 44 before. Not sure how old you are, but you might need to loosen up on your convictions about my marriage. Or anyone else's. Until you've set foot in someone else's life you really don't know. So please don't make assumptions. You're spouting off a bit.

 

I've been with my H since I was 15, married to him since a teenager. We just celebrated 20 years of marriage. I'm not defensive at all & when did I ever say I didn't have issues & or am perfect? That's my point, I'm not perfect, my Hnosnt perfect...but you're upset bc of what you said. I have walked through my H having issues which turned into marital problems & eventually A...& I know that if one spouse has internal issues they never communicated that turned into an A, that it isn't fine. How can any relationship be "good" of one spouse isn't happy inside? How do you get defensive from that?..it's called logical. I didn't know my H issues before A & our marriage wasn't good... It couldn't be, he was unhappy.

 

It's like a car, just bc the car is still running doesn't mean that the car is in great shape...there are parts that will eventually affect how it drives.

[DKT3]

I know for a fact that everyone that cheats isn't unhappy. It's asinine to say as much. Some people are simply selfish and entitled, some dont give a crap about their spouses other then the lifestyle they provide.

 

But at the end of the day Whoknew, telling the Om NO you would have not had an affair. The state of your marriage didn't make you say yes. Doesn't being unhappy make you more vulnerable? If course, no one will dispute that, but you said yes.

[Whoknew30]

I know for a fact that everyone that cheats isn't unhappy. It's asinine to say as much. Some people are simply selfish and entitled, some dont give a crap about their spouses other then the lifestyle they provide.

 

But at the end of the day Whoknew, telling the Om NO you would have not had an affair. The state of your marriage didn't make you say yes. Doesn't being unhappy make you more vulnerable? If course, no one will dispute that, but you said yes.[/quote

 

If they weren't unhappy somewhere, within themselves they wouldn't be looking to anyone for that feeling. Look it up, people only continue a behavior bc they're getting something from it. I said yes bc I point blank was so unhappy in my marriage I didn't care & used it as a exit strategy.

 

Is the problem here you don't want to believe your wife was unhappy? That unhappiness can turn into not caring? That's what happened with me & it was my marriage, his unhappiness & bottling everything up was the absolute number one reason I no longer cared & went for the A...my h was the only guy I had ever been with sexually, I had never done drugs, not a drunk, don't over spend. In my situation, my boundaries were always good...until i was that unhappy that I just point blank needed to force a change & I had the A....in any other circumstance wouldn't have ever done it. Now is my A my fault, yep but did misery help me along...yep.

 

Also if a spouse only cared about the lifestyle their partner gave them, they wouldn't be happy in their marriage bc if internally good, they would have never just married for money...so once again more issues going on there. Selfish people are selfish for a reason, wether bad experience & or mental issues. Kind of like having a bad marriage & carrying it with you. Different people react & hold onto different issues that can later on affect their relationships & or how they handle the problems in their relationships.

 

Show me a person that's cheated & I'll find out a deeper reason, unless it was a one time complete drunken stupor, than usually no issues besides they got too waisted. That was my specialty for my degree, getting to the bottom of people's behaviors...it always goes deeper than surface.

[DKT3]

I know for a fact that everyone that cheats isn't unhappy. It's asinine to say as much. Some people are simply selfish and entitled, some dont give a crap about their spouses other then the lifestyle they provide.

 

But at the end of the day Whoknew, telling the Om NO you would have not had an affair. The state of your marriage didn't make you say yes. Doesn't being unhappy make you more vulnerable? If course, no one will dispute that, but you said yes.[/quote

 

If they weren't unhappy somewhere, within themselves they wouldn't be looking to anyone for that feeling. Look it up, people only continue a behavior bc they're getting something from it. I said yes bc I point blank was so unhappy in my marriage I didn't care & used it as a exit strategy.

 

Is the problem here you don't want to believe your wife was unhappy? That unhappiness can turn into not caring? That's what happened with me & it was my marriage, his unhappiness & bottling everything up was the absolute number one reason I no longer cared & went for the A...my h was the only guy I had ever been with sexually, I had never done drugs, not a drunk, don't over spend. In my situation, my boundaries were always good...until i was that unhappy that I just point blank needed to force a change & I had the A....in any other circumstance wouldn't have ever done it. Now is my A my fault, yep but did misery help me along...yep.

 

Also if a spouse only cared about the lifestyle their partner gave them, they wouldn't be happy in their marriage bc if internally good, they would have never just married for money...so once again more issues going on there. Selfish people are selfish for a reason, wether bad experience & or mental issues. Kind of like having a bad marriage & carrying it with you. Different people react & hold onto different issues that can later on affect their relationships & or how they handle the problems in their relationships.

 

Show me a person that's cheated & I'll find out a deeper reason, unless it was a one time complete drunken stupor, than usually no issues besides they got too waisted. That was my specialty for my degree, getting to the bottom of people's behaviors...it always goes deeper than surface.

 

And some people believe in Bigfoot.

 

My wife was unhappy, I have stated that, and even stated it to you. But you know what, so was I. So by your reasoning I should have been cheating.

 

At this point this is a useless debate. And has derailed the thread. So I'm out

[Whoknew30]

 

And some people believe in Bigfoot.

 

My wife was unhappy, I have stated that, and even stated it to you. But you know what, so was I. So by your reasoning I should have been cheating.

 

At this point this is a useless debate. And has derailed the thread. So I'm out

 

Thread started as why women men cheat...you don't like the answers you got from women , bc you know more of why a women would cheat vs a women themselves right? I'd believe in Bigfoot over the belief that a man that doesn't listen to women will ever have a good relationship with one...good luck