Difference between MM and OW in affair

[DKT3]

I'm a woman that had an A & know other women that also had A...not one of us were happy. They know their unhappy that's how they get into an A, it heightens the problems bc someone else is treating them well. Not only in my personal but also satistical true, the majority of woman have A bc they're already unhappy.

 

You didn't have an affair because you where unhappy, you had an affair because you have poor boundaries

 

It's unrealistic to expect you will always be happy over the course of a long marriage, ebb and flow are present in any and every relationship.

 

Say your marriage caused the affair is a cop-out and a way to deflect responsible.

 

The bottom line is there came a point where you decided you deserved both no matter how it impacts spouse kids. That is 100℅ on you and your lack of boundaries.

[Whoknew30]

Even three years after my first affair and now a few months after it resumed and finished I am still conflicted. I am currently in therapy again to see what I can pick up from the wreckage. Maybe I am an outlier in the MM stakes, but kids and the lack of any real conflict at home and my own upbringing as a child of divorce really informed my choice to stay.

 

Perhaps I am coward and didn't leave to chase the AP but she is still in my head.

 

Kudos to you for being honest...most men aren't. I came from a family of many cheating men (it's cultural thing) & I know that they all loved their families & their wives were part of their family...do I think any of them got married bc they truly loved their wives, no. I think they picked woman that would be good mothers & good to them but every single one of them have talked about the one that got away, wether a woman from their past or one of their as partners. That's when I realized at a young age, men usually won't leave even if they do love another women. They don't want to lose their family as a whole & that they are more emtional cowards bc they just can't handle facing people they've caused so much disappointment to...it's just my personal experience & opinion not every one situation is the same.

[Whoknew30]

You didn't have an affair because you where unhappy, you had an affair because you have poor boundaries

 

It's unrealistic to expect you will always be happy over the course of a long marriage, ebb and flow are present in any and every relationship.

 

Say your marriage caused the affair is a cop-out and a way to deflect responsible.

 

The bottom line is there came a point where you decided you deserved both no matter how it impacts spouse kids. That is 100℅ on you and your lack of boundaries.

 

How misogynistic of you to tell me why I had an A. You know nothing of my situation unless you read my posts. I've been married since I was a teen & completely know why I had an A & how hard I tried to save my marriage before hand. So you know why women have A & why I did...So you know more about woman then they do themselves...interesting. I'm wondering how knowing all you know is working out for you In relationships?

[DKT3]

How misogynistic of you to tell me why I had an A. You know nothing of my situation unless you read my posts. I've been married since I was a teen & completely know why I had an A & how hard I tried to save my marriage before hand. So you know why women have A & why I did...So you know more about woman then they do themselves...interesting. I'm wondering how knowing all you know is working out for you In relationships?

 

I didn't know any of this proir to my wife's affair.

 

You can be upset, but the fact, yes FACT remains that true boundaries would keep a married person from engaging with someone not their spouse on that lvl. Thus with strong boundaries there can be no affair.

[Whoknew30]

I didn't know any of this proir to my wife's affair.

 

You can be upset, but the fact, yes FACT remains that true boundaries would keep a married person from engaging with someone not their spouse on that lvl. Thus with strong boundaries there can be no affair.

 

With a strong marriage there wouldn't be A...all the A I've seen (that's a lot, not just personally but also my career) the marriage for whatever reason, wasn't strong at that moment. Today I celebrate my 20th wedding anniversary, after being married as a teen, which now a days is almost unheard of...the reason is bc I fought like hell to save it & believe or not what saved it was my A. Not the best way for everyone but in our case, I was a good wife & knew we had issues, issues he never wanted to face. My A brought a realization to him that he could very well lose me, he never even considered that. My A was defiantly an exit A, I only did it to give a reason to divorce & that's what ended up getting him to change. Do I regret it had to come to that, yes but that's what ultimately saved it...so it's mixed emotions.

 

BTW, bc I grew up in the environment I did...no man could ever whisper sweet nothings into my ear & I'd fall for it. Even my OM told me "you're just like a man".

[enddeck]

I didn't know any of this proir to my wife's affair.

 

You can be upset, but the fact, yes FACT remains that true boundaries would keep a married person from engaging with someone not their spouse on that lvl. Thus with strong boundaries there can be no affair.

 

I completely agree with you,Forget all this bull**** I was lonely,he/ she didn't meet my needs,the other man/woman was very kind to me when I needed a friend.Its about keeping his penis and her vagina apart that's all

[burnt]

Not buying it.....if you listen to the vast majority of mw you here stuff like I didn't realize I was unhappy until in the affair....how can one not be aware that they are unhappy? And how can one blame an affair on unhappiness they were unaware of until they were in the affair. I dont buy any of it, it's all justification and rationalising.

 

Do you know of George M. Stratton's psychology experiments? One in which he wore glasses that inverted images up-down and left-right. Within a few DAYS (not months or years) his mind and his vision adjusted to the warped images his eyes were forced to view. He was actually in shock when those glasses were removed!

 

If you stay in an environment long enough, your mind, body, and senses start to adjust to its surroundings and process everything as "normal". Then when you are removed from that environment, you actually end up getting a shocking realization of how strange the actual "normal" environment now feels.

 

The human mind and psychology are mind boggling and complex.

 

When you live in a bad/unhappy/dysfunctional marriage day after day, year after year, your mind forces itself to adapt by subconsciously convincing itself that what's present is the norm.

 

I have recently left my marriage. For over a decade and a half I was in this marriage, constantly depressed, but never knew that the source was my marriage. I had an affair, but I am not the one to initiate it. Once I had the affair, that's when I started to put the pieces together about how broken my marriage was. I looked up "spousal emotional abuse" and I checked off all but one symptom. I really thought that all marriages were celibate from start to end, because that was my reality.

 

If you still aren't buying it, then how do you explain Stockholm Syndrome or Battered Wife Syndrome where the abused continue to defend and support their captors and abusers? Once removed from the abusive environment, these women all end up with the same line "it's like I had blinders over my eyes all this time". How do you explain so many billions of children who are abused who grow up to be abusive parents themselves and never know that there's a different reality out there?

 

Human psychology is fascinating.

Edited July 30, 2016 by burnt

[DKT3]

With a strong marriage there wouldn't be A...all the A I've seen (that's a lot, not just personally but also my career) the marriage for whatever reason, wasn't strong at that moment. Today I celebrate my 20th wedding anniversary, after being married as a teen, which now a days is almost unheard of...the reason is bc I fought like hell to save it & believe or not what saved it was my A. Not the best way for everyone but in our case, I was a good wife & knew we had issues, issues he never wanted to face. My A brought a realization to him that he could very well lose me, he never even considered that. My A was defiantly an exit A, I only did it to give a reason to divorce & that's what ended up getting him to change. Do I regret it had to come to that, yes but that's what ultimately saved it...so it's mixed emotions.

 

BTW, bc I grew up in the environment I did...no man could ever whisper sweet nothings into my ear & I'd fall for it. Even my OM told me "you're just like a man".

 

So what happens if your husband becomes unhappy with the marriage next month and has an affair? What would you say then?

[Whoknew30]

I completely agree with you,Forget all this bull**** I was lonely,he/ she didn't meet my needs,the other man/woman was very kind to me when I needed a friend.Its about keeping his penis and her vagina apart that's all

 

A or not only sexual, there are emotional A were two people never touch but fall for each other bc only based on emotion & touching. One can still fall in love with someone that way.

[DKT3]

Do you know of George M. Stratton's psychology experiments? One in which he wore glasses that inverted images up-down and left-right. Within a few DAYS (not months or years) his mind and his vision adjusted to the warped images his eyes were forced to view. He was actually in shock when those glasses were removed!

 

If you stay in an environment long enough, your mind, body, and senses start to adjust to its surroundings and process everything as "normal". Then when you are removed from that environment, you actually end up getting a shocking realization of how strange the actual "normal" environment now feels.

 

The human mind and psychology are mind boggling and complex.

 

When you live in a bad/unhappy/dysfunctional marriage day after day, year after year, your mind forces itself to adapt by subconsciously convincing itself that what's present is the norm.

 

I have recently left my marriage. For over a decade and a half I was in this marriage, constantly depressed, but never knew that the source was my marriage. I had an affair, but I am not the one to initiate it. Once I had the affair, that's when I started to put the pieces together about how broken my marriage was. I looked up "spousal emotional abuse" and I checked off all but one symptom. I really thought that all marriages were celibate from start to end, because that was my reality.

 

If you still aren't buying it, then how do you explain Stockholm Syndrome or Battered Wife Syndrome where the abused continue to defend and support their captors and abusers? Once removed from the abusive environment, these women all end up with the same line "it's like I had blinders over my eyes all this time". How do you explain so many billions of children who are abused who grow up to be abusive parents themselves and never know that there's a different reality out there?

 

Human psychology is fascinating.

I don't disagree with any of it, except what does it have to do with having an affair?

[elaine567]

I think happy people have affairs and I think unhappy people have affairs.

I think people who love their spouses have affairs and those who do not love their spouses have affairs.

 

I think love and happiness have little to do with it in some cases and they play a huge part in other cases.

 

I think generalisations especially over gender, are not really helpful as every case is complex and different. People are complex and different.

Some women cheat for "extra" and can compartmentalise brilliantly, whilst some men cheat in search of "love" and are completely besotted in a short space of time.

There are no hard rules, no formulae.

[Whoknew30]

So what happens if your husband becomes unhappy with the marriage next month and has an affair? What would you say then?

 

He already did that at the same time I had my A. We're in a completely different place than we were 8+ years ago & we went through so much at such a young age, that anyone could understand why it went bad for awhile.He didn't know how to talk to me & kept so much in bc he didn't want to burden me. Now he's an open book & even with tough days (we have a special needs child since A) we're just closer after everything we've been through. He's finally the man I wanted, compared to the boy I married that had potential.

 

I won't get into specifics but due to what I went to school for & studied I've learned to look deeper into people's actions then just surface. Wether good or bad behavior, it always goes deeper than what one sees. When people have A it's always a sysmptom of something else...either within the person or their relationship. It's not a defense for A bc yes, it's wrong but emotion healthy people & or relationships don't go through A.

[DKT3]

A or not only sexual, there are emotional A were two people never touch but fall for each other bc only based on emotion & touching. One can still fall in love with someone that way.

 

A couple months back my wife and I were eating , across from us were a table of women who were talking about a couple guys sitting at the bar. "Omg he is hot, I bet he has blah blah" after about 15 mins the two men approached the table and introduce themselves, all four women looked puzzled, one held up her left hand and another said my name is very married. Ended the conversation and the men moved on. Let's say she engaged him, let's say she exchanged numbers and ended up in an affair. Let's say he was her soulmate. We will never know, why? Because her boundaries where solid. Solid boundaries mean no affair, no matter the state of the marriage.

[elaine567]

My MM tried to justify why he was having an A, by saying that she was always criticizing him, they didn't talk, etc. I understand about the boxes for men and things being connected for women. I just don't buy that the MM man really, truly loves his W or he wouldn't be cheating on her. He wouldn't want to.

 

But that is looking at it from a monogamous perspective. If he doesn't believe in monogamy, then why couldn't he love two women or more...

[DKT3]

He already did that at the same time I had my A. We're in a completely different place than we were 8+ years ago & we went through so much at such a young age, that anyone could understand why it went bad for awhile.He didn't know how to talk to me & kept so much in bc he didn't want to burden me. Now he's an open book & even with tough days (we have a special needs child since A) we're just closer after everything we've been through. He's finally the man I wanted, compared to the boy I married that had potential.

 

I won't get into specifics but due to what I went to school for & studied I've learned to look deeper into people's actions then just surface. Wether good or bad behavior, it always goes deeper than what one sees. When people have A it's always a sysmptom of something else...either within the person or their relationship. It's not a defense for A bc yes, it's wrong but emotion healthy people & or relationships don't go through A.

 

This is my point, but emotionally healthy people have solid boundaries. Not only to prevent affairs but also to prevent mistreatment within the marriage, which would lead to a healthier marriage or divorce. But never affairs.

[Whoknew30]

A couple months back my wife and I were eating , across from us were a table of women who were talking about a couple guys sitting at the bar. "Omg he is hot, I bet he has blah blah" after about 15 mins the two men approached the table and introduce themselves, all four women looked puzzled, one held up her left hand and another said my name is very married. Ended the conversation and the men moved on. Let's say she engaged him, let's say she exchanged numbers and ended up in an affair. Let's say he was her soulmate. We will never know, why? Because her boundaries where solid. Solid boundaries mean no affair, no matter the state of the marriage.

 

That may not have been the case at all. You don't kno those women. Even when I had my A, when I'm out with my friends I'm out with my friends, it isn't about picking up men. That's same one that said I'm very married may be having an A, you don't know. I would have never had an A with anyone else but the man I had an A with & that's the truth & it sure didn't happen at a bar with my friends.

[DKT3]

That may not have been the case at all. You don't kno those women. Even when I had my A, when I'm out with my friends I'm out with my friends, it isn't about picking up men. That's same one that said I'm very married may be having an A, you don't know. I would have never had an A with anyone else but the man I had an A with & that's the truth & it sure didn't happen at a bar with my friends.

 

Maybe, maybe she was sleeping with everyone in her office, but not that guy.

 

In that snapshot of her life she showed solid boundaries with a guy she clearly had a physical attraction to.

[elaine567]

That may not have been the case at all. You don't kno those women. Even when I had my A, when I'm out with my friends I'm out with my friends, it isn't about picking up men. That's same one that said I'm very married may be having an A, you don't know. I would have never had an A with anyone else but the man I had an A with & that's the truth & it sure didn't happen at a bar with my friends.

I agree, the fact she made a big deal of saying "I am very married" may indeed indicate she was having an affair.

A smokescreen to hide her true self and mislead her friends.

[Whoknew30]

This is my point, but emotionally healthy people have solid boundaries. Not only to prevent affairs but also to prevent mistreatment within the marriage, which would lead to a healthier marriage or divorce. But never affairs.

 

Once again You don't know that. Many people use A as a exit strategy bc they can't just say "I want a divorce" they usually need a solid reason. Unless major problems (A mixed in) I didn't see one or personally know a couple that just said I want a divorce. You've got money tied in, statuesque, kids, extended family tied & ext...divorce is a public failure & no one likes to look like a failure & it causes fear & unknown. That's why it's easier to have an A than just be honest & walk away if one is unhappy. Once again is that right, no but it is what it is. Many people get ties into the obvious when an A is involved "it's not right & they should have, could have done it this or that way" but humans don't always work like that & fear pretty much takes over logic.

[Whoknew30]

Maybe, maybe she was sleeping with everyone in her office, but not that guy.

 

In that snapshot of her life she showed solid boundaries with a guy she clearly had a physical attraction to.

 

You don't know a whole lot about women but think you do, which is will only hurt you in a relationship. That's a potential problem within a relationship right there. Im a pretty attractive girl & till this day (even in front of my husband) I get approached by other attractive men, that I say no to...doesn't mean anything. I'm just not complete slut, which most women aren't.

[Chica80]

I didn't know any of this proir to my wife's affair.

 

You can be upset, but the fact, yes FACT remains that true boundaries would keep a married person from engaging with someone not their spouse on that lvl. Thus with strong boundaries there can be no affair.

 

Do people in A have poor boundaries, YES they do. I don't disagree.

 

I don't know your situation or anything about you. BUT for you to tell someone else the reason they had an affair. Or how all men work....

 

This makes you bias....it makes you believe what you want to believe what helps you heal. Your wife had an A.. You can find all the science all the facts that support your point of view.

 

Not everyone fits in "your box" you see MM post on here how much they miss or love their AP. So your point that they don't think about the other person not their wife may or may not be true you don't know.

[DKT3]

Once again You don't know that. Many people use A as a exit strategy bc they can't just say "I want a divorce" they usually need a solid reason. Unless major problems (A mixed in) I didn't see one or personally know a couple that just said I want a divorce. You've got money tied in, statuesque, kids, extended family tied & ext...divorce is a public failure & no one likes to look like a failure & it causes fear & unknown. That's why it's easier to have an A than just be honest & walk away if one is unhappy. Once again is that right, no but it is what it is. Many people get ties into the obvious when an A is involved "it's not right & they should have, could have done it this or that way" but humans don't always work like that & fear pretty much takes over logic.

 

Over 2/3 of divorced files in the US don't cite infidelity as the reason. Meaning over 2/3 of the marriages that end in the US don't need affair to end.

 

I agree the circumstances can aide in the decision to have an affair, but those circumstances are not the reason a person ultimately ends up in an affair.

 

As much as I enjoy this debate, we are going in circles. Beat to agree to disagree and move on.

[Chica80]

I think happy people have affairs and I think unhappy people have affairs.

I think people who love their spouses have affairs and those who do not love their spouses have affairs.

 

I think love and happiness have little to do with it in some cases and they play a huge part in other cases.

 

I think generalisations especially over gender, are not really helpful as every case is complex and different. People are complex and different.

Some women cheat for "extra" and can compartmentalise brilliantly, whilst some men cheat in search of "love" and are completely besotted in a short space of time.

There are no hard rules, no formulae.

 

YES totally agree.

[elaine567]

This makes you bias....it makes you believe what you want to believe what helps you heal. Your wife had an A.. You can find all the science all the facts that support your point of view.

 

 

noun: confirmation bias

 

1. the tendency to interpret new evidence as confirmation of one's existing beliefs or theories.
   

 

Confirmation bias, also called confirmatory bias or myside bias, is the tendency to search for, interpret, favor, and recall information in a way that confirms one's pre-existing beliefs or hypotheses, while giving disproportionately less consideration to alternative possibilities

[Whoknew30]

Over 2/3 of divorced files in the US don't cite infidelity as the reason. Meaning over 2/3 of the marriages that end in the US don't need affair to end.

 

I agree the circumstances can aide in the decision to have an affair, but those circumstances are not the reason a person ultimately ends up in an affair.

 

As much as I enjoy this debate, we are going in circles. Beat to agree to disagree and move on.

 

Actually a lot of divorce filings are in reconcilable differences which can mean an A. Like in my state, it doesn't matter if you have a picture of you spouse having an A, doesn't matter it's 50/50 & a lot of people don't divorce bc of an A...you're a prime example. Also when you have kids, people usually don't walk in the court room screaming about an A bc they're divorcing anyways, so what the point of airing their dirty laundry to the public? Marriage is over, time to move on.