Difference between MM and OW in affair

[DKT3]

First the sadness now the anger. IF I could put into words what is it that makes me the most angry about AP. ****I am not a victim nor am I putting total blame on him****

 

"I enjoy talking to you" "I enjoy spending time with you" I'm good enough to talk to spend time with. Share things with that you say you don't talk to anyone else about. OH and occasionally get off with. Let's not forget that! But I'm not good enough to have anything real with! YOU want to be my friend, is that supposed to be some ***tty consolation back up prize?

 

I'm angry....but the problem is I've been here before, this subsides and I go back and forth. Eventually this will fade and sadness remains. That's the hard part.

 

 

Because bad people cheat, good people cheat happy people cheat unhappy people cheat. What is the freaking point of any of it???? It's all a mess and everyone gets hurt!!!

 

Cheating boils down to boundaries. If a person has solid boundaries then no matter the state of their relationship cheating simply isn't an option. Boundaries keeps you from starting down the path that leads to affair, boundaries doesn't allow you to be mistreated in your primary relationship.

 

At the end of the day, everyone is 100℅ responsible for whatever the state of the relationship is in, we all have options, we all choose what we will and will not accept. No one is powerless, no one is a slave to love (or the delusion of love). Accepting responsible for ones own life, decisions and trajectory of the future put the outcome in your hands.

[Whoknew30]

And not all people that cheat are unhappy.

 

Someone that's content & happy doesn't cheat...if they were they wouldn't be looking for another way to be happy. Wether it's within the relationship or themselves, when someone is cheating it goes deeper than the actual sex part. I've never heard "I'm so happy" yet kept cheating... people who cheat are trying to fill a void somewhere wether or not they are "happy" in their relationship or not & if not happy internally, than how can a relationship be "happy" if the WS has those kind of internal issues that the BS doesn't know about?

[DKT3]

Someone that's content & happy doesn't cheat...if they were they wouldn't be looking for another way to be happy. Wether it's within the relationship or themselves, when someone is cheating it goes deeper than the actual sex part. I've never heard "I'm so happy" yet kept cheating... people who cheat are trying to fill a void somewhere wether or not they are "happy" in their relationship or not & if not happy internally, than how can a relationship be "happy" if the WS has those kind of internal issues that the BS doesn't know about?

 

Or some time the meet someone they feel is so special that being happy within the marriage is not enough.

 

The movie unfaithful comes to mind, I remember when it came out women were up in arms saying no one would cheat with that marriage, but it happens. Boundaries doesn't understand happy, if you don't have good boundaries then it's possible and likely that even over the course of a happy marriage one will allow someone to get closer then they should. At which point an affair becomes an option. Has nothing to do with the state of the marriage. Had Diane Lane had boundaries in the movie she would have never engaged the sexy Latin guy.

[Lois_Griffin]

Well, my family friend and his buddies told him not to do it, that if his affair partner slept with him while he was married to his first wife that there's no doubt she'll continue to sleep with him if he re-marries again.

LOL. I love it. The low life had an affair with her for 5 years and decided NOT to get together with her when he divorced because he knew she'd continue having sex with him even if he got another woman instead? That is rich.

 

My family friend said his best friend thought about it then went ahead and found himself another girl, stated dating, her married her then sought out his affair partner and continued sleeping with her.

This is the type of dirt bag that gives men a bad name. This guy has now dug a crawlspace under his lowest point in life.

[Midwestmissy]

It is about boundaries though - my wh sent hundreds of texts to his mow, but couldn't send me one that said he was unhappy. I had no way of knowing. He had a void to fill, but the mow didn't fill it. He was lying to her too. She was having an affair with a character he made up, he was having a nsa affair with someone who was also not who she claimed. She was a subordinate at work. After the first flirty exchange occurred was when the boundaries needed to be enforced. There are people who "allow" flirty exchanges and such and there are people who that never happens to/with. That's what boundaries do - they command respect. My wh and his mow had no respect for each other, and he has less for her and himself now. His issues had nothing to do with me - he didn't want his marriage to end. He was avoiding conflict, boundaries, consequences - you name it. His biggest loss was the respect of our teenagers. The mow lost her job and she was the breadwinner with 4 kids. All avoidable. Interestingly, his lack of parameters at the time invited a lot of people into his business life who screwed him over as well. People and decisions that someone with self respect would never allow to happen. He slept with dogs and got fleas in a lot of areas of his life. He thought he was using and manipulating people, but they were doing the same to him.

 

The two of them made a lot of stupid choices that could have been prevented by having boundaries in place. His "unhappiness", his life, our marriage got a heck of a lot worse with his affair. The cheating made everything worse and his problems just got bigger and more expensive. Lawyers and therapists running in the tens of thousands. That could have been a new house or kitchen or whatever. And the original issues are still there within him, he is dealing with them thru therapy. Had that been the route originally, we'd all be in a very different place right now. I wouldn't be here, I'd be in my new flipping kitchen.

[Whoknew30]

Or some time the meet someone they feel is so special that being happy within the marriage is not enough.

 

The movie unfaithful comes to mind, I remember when it came out women were up in arms saying no one would cheat with that marriage, but it happens. Boundaries doesn't understand happy, if you don't have good boundaries then it's possible and likely that even over the course of a happy marriage one will allow someone to get closer then they should. At which point an affair becomes an option. Has nothing to do with the state of the marriage. Had Diane Lane had boundaries in the movie she would have never engaged the sexy Latin guy.[/quote

 

Absoultly disagree, someone with already issues feels that way. Not a truly happy within themselves person. No one can just come in & make you feel so special if die thing wasn't off before. Cheating with a person also isn't the only betrayal...there's gambling, drugs, alcohol abuse, I even know a women that continues to steal & her H is ready to leave her for it. Point is if someone is internally unhappy or has inner issues, they have some type of behavior that shows it. Someone that has solid boudries most likely doesn't have the same issues as someone who doesn't have solid boundaries. So unless you're dealing with that particular person's exact issues you have no idea how you'd handle it. You may have never cheated but I don't know if you ever behaved in another way that has affected your relationship.

 

Boundary steeping is a symptom, the actual crossing of a perticular boundary itself is never the "actual" problem.

 

Diane Lane had an internal issues in that movie, she was insecure bc she was getting older & the young guy made her feel young...wether wrong or right even if she's didn't find that guy she would have still felt that way & who knows if she would have chosen to leave her husband over it. That's fortune telling to say & relationship would have been better or not if that person didn't cheat...they may have just gotten divorce anyways. If a spouse doesn't really know what's going on & or not connected to the other spouse that can cause a divorce right there & if a divorce occurs, what difference does a boundary make. Wouldn't make me feel better either way if it ends in my marriage ending.

[DKT3]

Or some time the meet someone they feel is so special that being happy within the marriage is not enough.

 

The movie unfaithful comes to mind, I remember when it came out women were up in arms saying no one would cheat with that marriage, but it happens. Boundaries doesn't understand happy, if you don't have good boundaries then it's possible and likely that even over the course of a happy marriage one will allow someone to get closer then they should. At which point an affair becomes an option. Has nothing to do with the state of the marriage. Had Diane Lane had boundaries in the movie she would have never engaged the sexy Latin guy.[/quote

 

Absoultly disagree, someone with already issues feels that way. Not a truly happy within themselves person. No one can just come in & make you feel so special if die thing wasn't off before. Cheating with a person also isn't the only betrayal...there's gambling, drugs, alcohol abuse, I even know a women that continues to steal & her H is ready to leave her for it. Point is if someone is internally unhappy or has inner issues, they have some type of behavior that shows it. Someone that has solid boudries most likely doesn't have the same issues as someone who doesn't have solid boundaries. So unless you're dealing with that particular person's exact issues you have no idea how you'd handle it. You may have never cheated but I don't know if you ever behaved in another way that has affected your relationship.

 

Boundary steeping is a symptom, the actual crossing of a perticular boundary itself is never the "actual" problem.

 

Diane Lane had an internal issues in that movie, she was insecure bc she was getting older & the young guy made her feel young...wether wrong or right even if she's didn't find that guy she would have still felt that way & who knows if she would have chosen to leave her husband over it. That's fortune telling to say & relationship would have been better or not if that person didn't cheat...they may have just gotten divorce anyways. If a spouse doesn't really know what's going on & or not connected to the other spouse that can cause a divorce right there & if a divorce occurs, what difference does a boundary make. Wouldn't make me feel better either way if it ends in my marriage ending.

 

Wow, what difference does it make?

 

Divorce is hard enough, adding the element of an affair adds extra pain and issues that impact reaches much farther than just divorce.

 

Discomfort isn't the same as unhappy. I'm not comfortable with the fact that I have hair growing in places it shouldn't but don't have where it use to be, does that make it ok to cheat on my wife? Is it fair to my wife to say that I'm unhappy internally so therefore can't be happy with her or our marriage?

 

Here in the real world were humans are imperfect and flawed it's impossible to be happy all the time, it's important to understand this. In the land of milk and honey where unicorns fart rainbows one can have the expectations of everlasting and eternal happiness.

[Whoknew30]

It is about boundaries though - my wh sent hundreds of texts to his mow, but couldn't send me one that said he was unhappy. I had no way of knowing. He had a void to fill, but the mow didn't fill it. He was lying to her too. She was having an affair with a character he made up, he was having a nsa affair with someone who was also not who she claimed. She was a subordinate at work. After the first flirty exchange occurred was when the boundaries needed to be enforced. There are people who "allow" flirty exchanges and such and there are people who that never happens to/with. That's what boundaries do - they command respect. My wh and his mow had no respect for each other, and he has less for her and himself now. His issues had nothing to do with me - he didn't want his marriage to end. He was avoiding conflict, boundaries, consequences - you name it. His biggest loss was the respect of our teenagers. The mow lost her job and she was the breadwinner with 4 kids. All avoidable. Interestingly, his lack of parameters at the time invited a lot of people into his business life who screwed him over as well. People and decisions that someone with self respect would never allow to happen. He slept with dogs and got fleas in a lot of areas of his life. He thought he was using and manipulating people, but they were doing the same to him.

 

The two of them made a lot of stupid choices that could have been prevented by having boundaries in place. His "unhappiness", his life, our marriage got a heck of a lot worse with his affair. The cheating made everything worse and his problems just got bigger and more expensive. Lawyers and therapists running in the tens of thousands. That could have been a new house or kitchen or whatever. And the original issues are still there within him, he is dealing with them thru therapy. Had that been the route originally, we'd all be in a very different place right now. I wouldn't be here, I'd be in my new flipping kitchen.

 

His lack of boundaries was due to a bigger problem, which spilled into every aspect of his life. Is it ok, no of course not...internal issues are not black & white. People usually make bad choices when having problems or issues. When was the last time you saw someone screw up bc they were so happy & content. Maybe he needed that bottom to finally change & if you choose to forgive him & move on, isn't it more important to actually be with a man you truly know & have a good marriage vs a new kitchen? If you didn't know all those years how unhappy he was, then you really didn't know who you were married to, so your marriage was kind of based on a lie if you two really didn't know what was going on with each other. Is that what you really wanted in your marriage?

[elaine567]

Someone that's content & happy doesn't cheat...if they were they wouldn't be looking for another way to be happy.

 

People derive happiness from all different sources, being happy is not solely derived from the marriage.

People in happy marriages still go dancing, play tennis, climb mountains... to make themselves happy, whilst taking nothing out of the overall happiness in their marriage.

So why can't they spend time with an OM/OW instead?

 

Why do they need to be "internally unhappy" or have "inner issues" to have an affair, when it is all good and considered healthy to spend time in other pursuits?

[DKT3]

People derive happiness from all different sources, being happy is not solely derived from the marriage.

People in happy marriages still go dancing, play tennis, climb mountains... to make themselves happy, whilst taking nothing out of the overall happiness in their marriage.

So why can't they spend time with an OM/OW instead?

 

Why do they need to be "internally unhappy" or have "inner issues" to have an affair, when it is all good and considered healthy to spend time in other pursuits?

 

It's a way to not totally accept responsibility

[Whoknew30]

 

Wow, what difference does it make?

 

Divorce is hard enough, adding the element of an affair adds extra pain and issues that impact reaches much farther than just divorce.

 

Discomfort isn't the same as unhappy. I'm not comfortable with the fact that I have hair growing in places it shouldn't but don't have where it use to be, does that make it ok to cheat on my wife? Is it fair to my wife to say that I'm unhappy internally so therefore can't be happy with her or our marriage?

 

Here in the real world were humans are imperfect and flawed it's impossible to be happy all the time, it's important to understand this. In the land of milk and honey where unicorns fart rainbows one can have the expectations of everlasting and eternal happiness.

 

If my marriage ends...I don't really care the reason (minus real abuse) either way it was failed. Could have, would have, should have...it's all over once you're divorced. If someone cheats on you to the point you leave, well why would you want to be with them anyways? Talk to someone that's been divorced bc the reason, I'm not happy & I just don't love you anymore...bet you don't hear well it was so much better than cheating. At least in cheating you know that the WS had something broken not perticulary you or your relationship & if divorced simply bc they aren't in love with you anymore, how sad to know you've been married to someone that you never really knew or you would have known they were having issues. Once again either way, if not willing to really open up, it's not a marriage I'd want to be in & or would make it better or worse cheating or none...actually id rather have cheating be the reason for divorce vs we couldn't make it work just because...that would really make me think there is something wrong with me, that one day my spouse just didn't want to be with me bc they felt our marriage just plained sucked.

[Whoknew30]

People derive happiness from all different sources, being happy is not solely derived from the marriage.

People in happy marriages still go dancing, play tennis, climb mountains... to make themselves happy, whilst taking nothing out of the overall happiness in their marriage.

So why can't they spend time with an OM/OW instead?

 

Why do they need to be "internally unhappy" or have "inner issues" to have an affair, when it is all good and considered healthy to spend time in other pursuits?

 

Honestly, everyone is different but I believe it's bc they are getting something out of the other person, that you can't get from tennis. Wether wrong or right, look at athletes that dominate in their sport & still not fullfilled emotionally or internally. It's not an excuse for bad behavior, it's the motive. We can all say this is wrong or right (captain obvious) but there is always a reason. Wether a 10 year A or a drunk one night stand. There is always a reason behind someone's behavior, wether or not other's understand it or the person doing it understands it themselves...people commit behavior wether bad or good bc they are getting something from it or they would have never done it in the first place.

[DKT3]

His lack of boundaries was due to a bigger problem, which spilled into every aspect of his life. Is it ok, no of course not...internal issues are not black & white. People usually make bad choices when having problems or issues. When was the last time you saw someone screw up bc they were so happy & content. Maybe he needed that bottom to finally change & if you choose to forgive him & move on, isn't it more important to actually be with a man you truly know & have a good marriage vs a new kitchen? If you didn't know all those years how unhappy he was, then you really didn't know who you were married to, so your marriage was kind of based on a lie if you two really didn't know what was going on with each other. Is that what you really wanted in your marriage?

 

Whoknew, I think you're missing the point. Boundaries won't save a relationship, sometimes fundamental differences are there that can be compromised.

 

What boundaries will do is not allow you to accept that which is not good for you. If the marriage is bad boundaries will force you to fix it or remove yourself from the situation.

 

No matter the internal issues or unhappiness strong boundaries will prevent you from engaging in actions that can lead to inappropriate behavior with anyone outside of your marriage.

 

Not having an affair doesn't automatically make an unhappy person happy, but its a lot easier to get there by not having the affair. It doesn't mean it will save your relationship, but it will save your dignity and keep you from additional pain.

[Whoknew30]

Whoknew, I think you're missing the point. Boundaries won't save a relationship, sometimes fundamental differences are there that can be compromised.

 

What boundaries will do is not allow you to accept that which is not good for you. If the marriage is bad boundaries will force you to fix it or remove yourself from the situation.

 

No matter the internal issues or unhappiness strong boundaries will prevent you from engaging in actions that can lead to inappropriate behavior with anyone outside of your marriage.

 

Not having an affair doesn't automatically make an unhappy person happy, but its a lot easier to get there by not having the affair. It doesn't mean it will save your relationship, but it will save your dignity and keep you from additional pain.

 

A defiantly cause more problems then they help, with that I agree & im not saying A are right bc it's not but as you said crossing boundaries forces a change & in many marriages I personally think that's why people do have A, to force some kind of change.

[Chica80]

Whoknew, I think you're missing the point. Boundaries won't save a relationship, sometimes fundamental differences are there that can be compromised.

 

What boundaries will do is not allow you to accept that which is not good for you. If the marriage is bad boundaries will force you to fix it or remove yourself from the situation.

 

No matter the internal issues or unhappiness strong boundaries will prevent you from engaging in actions that can lead to inappropriate behavior with anyone outside of your marriage.

 

Not having an affair doesn't automatically make an unhappy person happy, but its a lot easier to get there by not having the affair. It doesn't mean it will save your relationship, but it will save your dignity and keep you from additional pain.

 

Whoknew DKT

I think you are both right, but you may be missing each others point. Good boundaries will stop you from doing something that is hurtful to yourself, or others. If you had good boundaries you would be able to say hey that is not ok its not ok for you to treat me that way. Its not ok for.....pick your choice.

 

BUT.... what Whoknew is saying sometimes people who are unhappy inside or have something missing also don't know how to set good boundaries. Or even know that their coping mechanisms are not helpful or healthy. Its not an excuse it doesn't justify the behavior. But like anything else its something you have to learn if you don't know how.

[Chica80]

A defiantly cause more problems then they help, with that I agree & im not saying A are right bc it's not but as you said crossing boundaries forces a change & in many marriages I personally think that's why people do have A, to force some kind of change.

 

Yes I agree, its what I wanted a change.

[Whoknew30]

Yes I agree, its what I wanted a change.

 

Me too...all the talking in the world wasn't changing anything. We were stuck in misery at the time.

[wmacbride]

How then, if not thinking of the OW do MM manage to text and phone all day and half the night?

 

Poppy.

 

Have you never heard of multi tasking?

 

People think they can drive, do their hair, listen to music, think about the day ahead and text all at the same time, be fully engaged in none of the above tasks.

 

Seriously though, I don't text much because it's a lazy form of communication where one doesn't have to be all that engaged.

[wmacbride]

His lack of boundaries was due to a bigger problem, which spilled into every aspect of his life. Is it ok, no of course not...internal issues are not black & white. People usually make bad choices when having problems or issues. When was the last time you saw someone screw up bc they were so happy & content. Maybe he needed that bottom to finally change & if you choose to forgive him & move on, isn't it more important to actually be with a man you truly know & have a good marriage vs a new kitchen? If you didn't know all those years how unhappy he was, then you really didn't know who you were married to, so your marriage was kind of based on a lie if you two really didn't know what was going on with each other. Is that what you really wanted in your marriage?

 

I see my brother do this all the time.

he is happy and content. Loves his life, travels the world and makes more in a week than many make in a year. He owns several houses/condos around the globe, owns several businesses and makes more in a month than most make in a year, and can do what he wants when he wants.

 

He was happy with his former wife ( she was his ow whom he divorced to marry) and loved her very much.They were together as much as possible, and she traveled the world with him, every bit as driven as he is.

 

Until he met Miss A, then Miss B, then Miss C, and so on ad nauseum. His second wife divorced him because she realized he was doing to her what he did to his first wife. He is a happy, fully functional and very successful man. he just has a short attention span and feels he is entitled to be with as many women as he likes, whether he's married or not. Even when he's happy with one, his boundaries are so weak that he's open to others.

 

If he ever meets a woman who is fine with an extremely open marriage, he will have met his perfect partner.

[Whoknew30]

I see my brother do this all the time.

he is happy and content. Loves his life, travels the world and makes more in a week than many make in a year. He owns several houses/condos around the globe, owns several businesses and makes more in a month than most make in a year, and can do what he wants when he wants.

 

He was happy with his former wife ( she was his ow whom he divorced to marry) and loved her very much.They were together as much as possible, and she traveled the world with him, every bit as driven as he is.

 

Until he met Miss A, then Miss B, then Miss C, and so on ad nauseum. His second wife divorced him because she realized he was doing to her what he did to his first wife. He is a happy, fully functional and very successful man. he just has a short attention span and feels he is entitled to be with as many women as he likes, whether he's married or not. Even when he's happy with one, his boundaries are so weak that he's open to others.

 

If he ever meets a woman who is fine with an extremely open marriage, he will have met his perfect partner.

 

He equates ego to happiness. He has to concur every challenge...that's not content & internally happy. Your brother allows his ego to run his life...all the men in my family are like this. All successful but it's never enough. When you can't ever be fulfilled & always need more...you're not truly happy & content.

 

Look at Bruce Jenner, one of the most successful athlete bc of major internal problems but everyone thought he was happy bc he was successful & only due bc he was trying to run from himself.

[DKT3]

He equates ego to happiness. He has to concur every challenge...that's not content & internally happy. Your brother allows his ego to run his life...all the men in my family are like this. All successful but it's never enough. When you can't ever be fulfilled & always need more...you're not truly happy & content.

 

Look at Bruce Jenner, one of the most successful athlete bc of major internal problems but everyone thought he was happy bc he was successful & only due bc he was trying to run from himself.

 

Here is the danger in what you're saying which is also living in a fantasy....who the hell is 100℅ happy with all aspects of their lives? Not one person who has every walked the earth.

 

To me, if I'm honest, it sounds like lame blameshifting. A way to just knock the edge off of taking responsibility and saying, "I did some horrible sh#t"

 

What your doing is giving yourself an out, and not facing the true issue. That is you and every other person that has engaged in this behavior is ultimately 100% responsible for their actions.

[Whoknew30]

Here is the danger in what you're saying which is also living in a fantasy....who the hell is 100℅ happy with all aspects of their lives? Not one person who has every walked the earth.

 

To me, if I'm honest, it sounds like lame blameshifting. A way to just knock the edge off of taking responsibility and saying, "I did some horrible sh#t"

 

What your doing is giving yourself an out, and not facing the true issue. That is you and every other person that has engaged in this behavior is ultimately 100% responsible for their actions.

 

When I say happy...content/peace. Peace is happiness. Married, not married, kids no kids...when you sit & you can be present & not worried about this or that & just content in the present & not consumed by anything in a negative way...That's being happy. If I have to explain what being "happy" means to adults & have to explain its not a jump up & down feeling everyday...that's sad, that should be obvious to anyone over there 20's. I didn't realize that everything said has to be that literal for comprehension.

 

People do bad things all the time...what do you want? People have A, you divorced, aren't you remarried? If you're content & at peace with someone else, what does it matter? Not being able to get over things is also a bad trait to carry & can affect someone's ability to be happy. Something bad happened, you mourn it & move on for your own wellbeing. If you can't, it's no longer the other person's problem, it's turn into inability to really move on your own life.

 

 

I owned my A, my H didn't catch me & I didn't care what happened from it at the time. I was ready to get a divorce & if we had then once we had signed those divorce papers, none of it would have mattered bc there's nothing else to say after it's over...done & new beginning. We decided to work on it & truly forgave each other & that's that. We're good, we both comprehend why we did what we did & hold no animosity. So when you say blamshifting the truth, I don't understand what you're saying. We had a bad marriage & bad choices, who said I wasn't responsible for my behavior? You just want to hear "I'll feel bad forever for my A" & I won't say that because I don't. It's over for my H & I, he no longer feels bad for his mistakes bc we chiose to move on vs spending the rest of our lives being jaded...now that's a miserable way to live.

[DKT3]

If only it were that simple.

 

There is alot more inner workings and phycology behind it then that.

 

Let me add, one of the worst mistakes that BS's make is accepting blame for the affair. I did it, if only I had said this or done that then she would not have.....

 

You see in doing that it gives me control or say in my wife's fidelity. It's born from fear. Likewise saying I cheated because I was unhappy is born from fear, saying you cheated because you are flawed and lack boundaries mean that it didn't take special circumstances for you to embark on a horrible path.

[Whoknew30]

If only it were that simple.

 

There is alot more inner workings and phycology behind it then that.

 

Let me add, one of the worst mistakes that BS's make is accepting blame for the affair. I did it, if only I had said this or done that then she would not have.....

 

You see in doing that it gives me control or say in my wife's fidelity. It's born from fear. Likewise saying I cheated because I was unhappy is born from fear, saying you cheated because you are flawed and lack boundaries mean that it didn't take special circumstances for you to embark on a horrible path.[/QUOT

 

A BS can't accept fault for WS A but they can accept fault for a crappy marriage. You said you were never home, well ultimately it's not your fault your wife had an A but it is your partly your fault the marriage itself broke down, your marriage still would have been broken without the A, you maybe want to believe it would be so much easier for he to just have left, but you don't k ow that bc that's not what happened. Which I dont know what any of it matters if you're remarried? So your wife cheated & you got divorced...it's over! It isn't difficult, you had a bad marriage & it ended, you cry a second & move on...if it's so complicated, then how can you say you're at a healthy place to be remarried?

 

So who cares if I'm flawed, i own it & a 100% ok with who I am & the mistakes I've made...it's called human. Just to let you know if you're still holding to bad things from your first marriage into your new one, you're also flawed & not being fair to your wife bc your mentality allowing another relationship you had affect your thinking, you don't think that's an emotional boundary you're over stepping, that you moved on to another marriage with emotions from first not settled...I wouldn't like that as a wife, it's disrespectful. That's my point were all flawed & just bc one cheated or didn't doesn't make someone more or less broken. I'd rather deal with a cheater that realized their faults, learned & moved on, then a person that is jaded & has one way thinking...& I don't mean you, I'm talking in general. A lot of people I know that cheated learned lessons & became better people & I know a lot of people that didn't cheat but can't look at themselves at all & want to believe all their problems came from being cheated on...it's just as bad.

[DKT3]

If only it were that simple.

 

There is alot more inner workings and phycology behind it then that.

 

Let me add, one of the worst mistakes that BS's make is accepting blame for the affair. I did it, if only I had said this or done that then she would not have.....

 

You see in doing that it gives me control or say in my wife's fidelity. It's born from fear. Likewise saying I cheated because I was unhappy is born from fear, saying you cheated because you are flawed and lack boundaries mean that it didn't take special circumstances for you to embark on a horrible path.[/QUOT

 

A BS can't accept fault for WS A but they can accept fault for a crappy marriage. You said you were never home, well ultimately it's not your fault your wife had an A but it is your partly your fault the marriage itself broke down, your marriage still would have been broken without the A, you maybe want to believe it would be so much easier for he to just have left, but you don't k ow that bc that's not what happened. Which I dont know what any of it matters if you're remarried? So your wife cheated & you got divorced...it's over! It isn't difficult, you had a bad marriage & it ended, you cry a second & move on...if it's so complicated, then how can you say you're at a healthy place to be remarried?

 

So who cares if I'm flawed, i own it & a 100% ok with who I am & the mistakes I've made...it's called human. Just to let you know if you're still holding to bad things from your first marriage into your new one, you're also flawed & not being fair to your wife bc your mentality allowing another relationship you had affect your thinking, you don't think that's an emotional boundary you're over stepping, that you moved on to another marriage with emotions from first not settled...I wouldn't like that as a wife, it's disrespectful. That's my point were all flawed & just bc one cheated or didn't doesn't make someone more or less broken. I'd rather deal with a cheater that realized their faults, learned & moved on, then a person that is jaded & has one way thinking...& I don't mean you, I'm talking in general. A lot of people I know that cheated learned lessons & became better people & I know a lot of people that didn't cheat but can't look at themselves at all & want to believe all their problems came from being cheated on...it's just as bad.

 

I'm not sure I understand what you're saying here.

 

I'm confused. But the relationship I had after my divorce was a year later, and it wasn't a marriage.

 

Our second marriage is a work in progress, as are all marriages. Do I still have affects from the affair? Absolutely, as does ever bs, the affair has changed me forever, it changed how I veiw relationships, it changed how I look at the world. Is that good or bad? Both.

 

This much I'm confident in, it would have been much easier had she left without the affair. Not to mention the affects it's had on our son, we now fear it's damaged his views of relationships.