sweet-pea Posted July 29, 2016 Share Posted July 29, 2016 (edited) I hate that I am having to ask this because I was once in an emotionally abuse marriage and now here I am 3 weeks out of a relationship and questioning myself and having doubts. I could really use some validation or reinforcement or something. Most of all I just need answers. I'll be brief (I hope) Dated for 8 months and from the beginning he told me had trust issues and insecurities. *He challenged my friendships with men, so much I in turn distanced myself from them, *His best friend greeted me with kiss and he accused me initiating it. *He would never be my FB friend because he `didn't want to see all of my pictures with me and other men' (that didn't exist) *He told me he felt that from the time I left work and got ready for bed that time was off limits to him and asked if I could tell him my whereabouts *He told me women only dress up and go out with women to troll for men. I continued to go out with my friends and he tried to hide his anxiety, but instead would grill me with questions about my evening *The one time I didn't initiate sex when he was thinking it was a good idea he said it confirmed to him I did not desire him at all. *He wanted a picture of me but didn't want the one that had my son included. I cropped my son out and it still wasn't good enough. *Accused me of being hung up on my ex husband (divorced 15 yrs)(not!) I could go on and on but in the end I found myself accommodating to his insecurities and changing my behavior as well as censoring myself. When we tried to have discussions about this it turned into a huge battle where he didn't hear me and always ended up the victim. In the end he left because he said `we couldn't resolve conflicts' He went from pursuing me to totally vanishing. It's really disturbing and hurtful I know how this sounds and the other parts of him I loved so much. I don't think he's a bad man, just a very insecure, injured man. I was silly enough to think that if I could win his trust everything would be ok. Instead . . he left. I get in my head. . But my heart isn't catching up and I guess because he left I second guess my part. I've been through something similar and one would think I know better. I am hoping that writing this down and getting feedback will help it get through to me somehow. Maybe after the emotions settle it might become clear but in the meantime . . has anyone experienced this and can you relate?? Edited July 29, 2016 by sweet-pea add Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted July 30, 2016 Share Posted July 30, 2016 I hate that I am having to ask this because I was once in an emotionally abuse marriage and now here I am 3 weeks out of a relationship and questioning myself and having doubts. I could really use some validation or reinforcement or something. Most of all I just need answers. I'll be brief (I hope) Dated for 8 months and from the beginning he told me had trust issues and insecurities. *He challenged my friendships with men, so much I in turn distanced myself from them, *His best friend greeted me with kiss and he accused me initiating it. *He would never be my FB friend because he `didn't want to see all of my pictures with me and other men' (that didn't exist) *He told me he felt that from the time I left work and got ready for bed that time was off limits to him and asked if I could tell him my whereabouts *He told me women only dress up and go out with women to troll for men. I continued to go out with my friends and he tried to hide his anxiety, but instead would grill me with questions about my evening *The one time I didn't initiate sex when he was thinking it was a good idea he said it confirmed to him I did not desire him at all. *He wanted a picture of me but didn't want the one that had my son included. I cropped my son out and it still wasn't good enough. *Accused me of being hung up on my ex husband (divorced 15 yrs)(not!) I could go on and on but in the end I found myself accommodating to his insecurities and changing my behavior as well as censoring myself. When we tried to have discussions about this it turned into a huge battle where he didn't hear me and always ended up the victim. In the end he left because he said `we couldn't resolve conflicts' He went from pursuing me to totally vanishing. It's really disturbing and hurtful I know how this sounds and the other parts of him I loved so much. I don't think he's a bad man, just a very insecure, injured man. I was silly enough to think that if I could win his trust everything would be ok. Instead . . he left. I get in my head. . But my heart isn't catching up and I guess because he left I second guess my part. I've been through something similar and one would think I know better. I am hoping that writing this down and getting feedback will help it get through to me somehow. Maybe after the emotions settle it might become clear but in the meantime . . has anyone experienced this and can you relate?? Yes I have experienced this and wrote about this relationship several times. That kind of relationship does lasting damage to you if it goes on to long. I know you are hurt because he suddenly abandoned you but you are truly better off without him. He is mentally and emotionally controlling and abusive. He will suck the soul out of you and leave you feeling joyless. Guys like this almost always have a good side, that's what hooks you and reels you in but as time goes on they give you their good side less and less while becoming more and more critical and accusatory. This would have only gotten worse for you. Guys like him are bottomless pits and you can never do enough or give enough to meet their demands. No matter how much attention you give them or how much you walk on eggshells trying to appease them they still find fault and cut you down. Guys like this use the pitiful wounded soul angle to play to your empathy and nurturing nature. It's BS. They are not sad wounded souls, they are narcissistic selfish users. You should Thank God he left you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria25 Posted July 30, 2016 Share Posted July 30, 2016 I feel ya... Insecure guys are the worst. You can never, ever assure them of your faithfulness and commitment to them. They are controlling and abusive. Then, the irony, they dump you for some chick that has them by the stones. Don't feel bad. They guilt trip you all the time and try to make you crazy. Nothing's wrong with you...you're perfect. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lbjanieb Posted July 31, 2016 Share Posted July 31, 2016 Do you really want someone that you have to bend over backwards to keep assuring your whole life? HE has to deal with HIS insecurities. I mean, he couldn't stand a photo with your son in it? Huge red flag - you want someone who loves your kids almost as much as you do. Please just stay away, even if he tries coming back and he might, and enjoy being yourself without having to walk on eggshells worrying about what someone might think of everything you do/say/wear. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
asphyxis Posted July 31, 2016 Share Posted July 31, 2016 My ex has severe insecurity issues. Always saying how awkward and goofy he looked and how he wished he looked like chiseled ab guys with rugged has lines. I had to constantly reaffirm my love and attraction towards him. He blamed his sexual dysfunction issues on me at times. He also said that he didn't want to look at my Facebook because of all the guys that would hit on me ans accused me of being a lesbian that didn't know what I wanted when he dumped me through a text. I've tried endlessly to make sense of it and none of it has made sense to me. He was angry a lot towards the end. I consider it a favor in my behalf, you should too. It sucks and hurts but as time goes on, you'll see relief. I felt relief when the relationship ended too, I just miss my image I had of him. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted August 3, 2016 Share Posted August 3, 2016 Read this book. It will really help. Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds Of Angry And Controlling Men 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sweet-pea Posted August 3, 2016 Author Share Posted August 3, 2016 Thanks of responses and sorry it's taken me a while to come back. I am like a moth to a flame I suppose with these types. They are just a different shade of the same thing. I mistakenly took his admitted vulnerabilities as a sign of strength. I naively thought my love would heal him. <choke> Now I am left trying to get my balance back again. I can't believe I have found myself in this sick familiar place once again. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted August 4, 2016 Share Posted August 4, 2016 Until you do the hard work to fix your self esteem, you will continue to attract crappy men. Can you get into therapy? Link to post Share on other sites
Author sweet-pea Posted August 4, 2016 Author Share Posted August 4, 2016 I've been in and out of therapy and ran back the minute this one ended. My past choices have been arrogant cocky types. This one seemed so sensitive I naively thought it would be otherwise. Besides people rarely show their dark side on the onset. They wait until you are hooked and slowly unfold their issues. But like I said earlier, it's just the a different shade of the same thing. I swore I learned my lesson. It really rattles me and I trying to forgive myself. At the same time I miss him. At least the good parts of him. My emotions feel like they are in the spin cycle right now. Still trying to sort them out. The stories and validations help. . that and therapy. Link to post Share on other sites
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