Is he cheating?

[Rizzie]

Ok bear with me here as this will probably get lengthy with some details. But I'm just fed up and at my wits end an looking for some advice/answers. So me an my boyfriend have been together for 9 years. For the past 2 of those years he has worked at this business. His work is attached to one other business, I believe by a door inside the building and if not a door in the back alley. It is a cash loan place who's employees are all younger females. For awhile every day he was bringing home the free pens and notepads those kind of loan places give out. Every day. Indicating how often he went over there. Over these 2 years I have found a hair tie and belly button ring in his car. Both of which I KNOW were not mine. The hair tie was a completely different one than the kind I use and after having 2 babies I hadn't worn a belly button ring in well over a year. He still tried to convince me they were mine and im over dramatic and crazy. One night he didn't know I was going to pick him up at work, he thought he'd be riding his bike. His work closes at 9 pm, I arrived at 8:45. His lights were already off and doors locked and he was no where to be seen. After knocking a few times, I went back and waited in the car. He came out about 15 minutes later and said he was in the bathroom. He seemed EXTREMELY flustered and nervous. One day when I was dropping him off a pretty young girl sitting in her white car smiled and waved to him. He acted like he didn't see her even though it was obvious e had. That same white car started to park over by his side with a pink leopard print sun shade. When I asked him about it he said it belonged to an old lady at the hair salon (with a pink leopard print shade?) and since then I haven't seen the car. That's the thing it always the same thing. I ask him, he denies it, then it all stops. I asked him about all the pens and notepads. About the girls car. I told him I thought it was a girl at the cash loan place and he denied vehemently, got PISSED, and pointed out how easy it would be for me to cheat and maybe I was doing it. About a week ago he told me a new employee was bragging to my boyfriend and another former employee about how he got head from a girl at the loan place. So obviously I'm not pulling this out of thin air and this is something that goes on over there. He snaps on me all the time lately. And then goes back to being overly nice. That's the most weird thing. We have always had a healthy sex life. Before all this I would say 3-4 times a week. But now, we have had sex 3 times in 2 months. That has NEVER happened in all of our relationship. But he is still completely fine. Normally his mood and how our day goes depends on if he gets some. He is much easier to deal with and way more joking and playful if he's gotten his. And if not its not going to be a good day. Well he sure is happy and joking and playful for someone who has only had sex 3 times in 2 months! I was stupid and questioned him before I had solid proof, and now I feel like if he is cheating he's just gonna get better at hiding it. I'm a very intuitive person I can just FEEL something is going on. But I feel like now I will never know unless I can get him to confess. Not sure what my exact question is beside do you think he is cheating?

[Zahara]

An ex was a cheater. I had a gut feeling but couldn't quite put my finger on it. Most times I shrugged it off but there were times I felt confident about it. One day I found a hair tie in a drawer in his bathroom and one in his car. That's when my antenna really went up. Of course, when I confronted he said the same thing, "You must be cheating and you're trying to cover the scent by blaming it on me." It's called gaslighting. Read about it. Then I started connecting the dots -- always snappy at me, sex dwindled, less available, etc.

 

A few weeks later, I caught him.

 

Listen to your gut. I can't tell you if he is 100% cheating but there some disturbing signs. Keep your radar up.

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, it sounds like he's up to no good.

 

All of the facts given together - especially considering how much sex has dwindled - don't paint a promising picture. There are a number of parallels between your boyfriend's behaviour and my ex's when he was cheating.

 

Have you asked your boyfriend about the lack of sex? There could be a number of reasons, but put into context of the other suspicious circumstances, it's worrying.

 

As Zahara said, when you're with someone a long time, you know them well enough to know when something isn't right. Unfortunately, very few cheaters ever come clean on their own so I wouldn't expect a confession from him.

 

You mentioned you have had two babies - is he their father? If so, I understand you have a lot invested in keeping your family together. Depending on what you feel you need to confirm if he's being unfaithful, you might need to do more observing and investigating before making your next move in the relationship. This will no doubt be more difficult now that he knows you're got your antennae up. But some cheaters do in fact make "mistakes" and get lazy enough to hang themselves.

[gorf]

I agree to the previous poster. You dont have anything solid at this point. What I mean is, hair ties and bellybutton rings? Maybe he found them and they reminded him of you. Coming out 15 minutes late. Maybe he was smoking weed behind the building and knew you would not be ok with it, or something like that. Maybe Im wrong and he's cheating. But it could also not be true. You have your guard up and you are seeing everyyyyyyything at this point. I get it. But just take into account that maybe its just him dealing with personal insecurity at this point. Maybe less sex cause he heard one little thing and got turned off until he can figure it out. Know what I mean? 2-3 times a month.... that sounds like something a woman would do who is cheating. Not a guy. Even if it is you and some other random woman in the back ground. Know what I mean. Again, maybe he is up to something. But just keep your guard up, try not to be too harsh, cause that will make him hide more if he really is hiding something like that, and know that you don;t have anything solid. By that I mean forget hair ties and bellybutton rings.. you haven't caught "him with her" in any instance.

[ExpatInItaly]

I agree to the previous poster. You dont have anything solid at this point. What I mean is, hair ties and bellybutton rings? Maybe he found them and they reminded him of you. Coming out 15 minutes late. Maybe he was smoking weed behind the building and knew you would not be ok with it, or something like that. Maybe Im wrong and he's cheating. But it could also not be true. You have your guard up and you are seeing everyyyyyyything at this point. I get it. But just take into account that maybe its just him dealing with personal insecurity at this point. Maybe less sex cause he heard one little thing and got turned off until he can figure it out. Know what I mean? 2-3 times a month.... that sounds like something a woman would do who is cheating. Not a guy. Even if it is you and some other random woman in the back ground. Know what I mean. Again, maybe he is up to something. But just keep your guard up, try not to be too harsh, cause that will make him hide more if he really is hiding something like that, and know that you don;t have anything solid. By that I mean forget hair ties and bellybutton rings.. you haven't caught "him with her" in any instance.

 

I have to respectfully disagree with this.

 

When my ex-boyfriend was cheating, our sex life dried up. For the final 2-3 months of the relationship we didn't have sex at all. And believe me when I say I tried! He always had an excuse.

 

I learned later that he felt "so guilty" knowing what he was doing behind my back that he couldn't physically bring himself to be intimate with me, if you catch my drift. That came straight out of the horse's mouth.

 

While I agree the lack of sex could be down to several other reasons, it's also not untrue that some men stop having sex with their partners when they're being unfaithful.

[Traceycprc]

You can't beat your gut feeling! I ignored mine for weeks to finally find he was cheating with his so called friend. Our sex life also dried up for several months, he blamed me! Usually this is a huge sign he is having sex elsewhere. I'm sorry been there wore the t-shirt of denial, but you will find out! And you ignoring your gut feeling will no longer help! Good luck.

[VeveCakes]

Kept the hair tie and belly ring because they remind him of the OP? You can't be serious.

 

Sounds like he's cheating. Time for surprise visits or VAR.

[Chi townD]

Hard to say without concrete proof. All the things you described could have been easily explained away! Decrease sex could be stress and frustration from work. Hair pin, he could have loaned out his car to one of the girls next door to go get food. He went to the bathroom that's why the 15 minutes. If you don't believe him then why did he lock up and essentially locking someone in his place of business? See how easy the excuses can come and they are viable and for the most part believable.

 

But, you need to go with your gut. The FIRST thing you have to do is STOP QUESTIONING HIM! You have to play it up as if everything is alright in the universe. The more you accuse him, the more he'll be on his guard. The more he thinks you're clueless, then the more relaxed he becomes and THAT'S when he's going to make a mistake.

[ksol9]

Women are intuitive by nature. If one partner thinks there is a problem within the relationship...there's a problem. Cheaters always get caught. Eventually something will come out especially now that you are suspicious. They are defensive and try to turn things on you because they aren't willing to be honest. You stay because you don't have hard proof. There's no way to prepare yourself for it when it happens, but the proof will fall in front you. Trust in that.

 

Sorry you're going through this. It's no way to live. There's so many other more important things that deserve your attention, but it impossible to focus. It's draining I know. Tell him that you suspect something is going on, mention the lack of sex. Expect him to get defensive. If he truly loves you and is concerned that you are struggling with trust, he will be completely transparent and help you to understand. Warn him that if he is doing anything to jeopardize your relationship, he will lose you.

 

Hope he isn't doing anything wrong. Betrayal like this is the compete worst thing to go through. One of the things I don't wish on my worst enemy. It will shake you to your inner core. Hope you will be ok.