How to make it clear without having to repeat the same thing?

[Kuchi2]

Boyfriend of 8 months and I are doing pretty good. Just yesterday, a conversation of us moving together came up (it has come up before, but nothing as definite, more like a passing comment).

 

Short back story: We are both homeowners, the only issue is, we can't move in together yet even if we wanted to. I have 2 members of my family renting 2 rooms in my home, and he has fully rented out his home shortly after we were dating due to financial struggles (was a better option than selling a home he liked and eventually wants to move back into), so he is temporarily living with his mom. He has a daughter with an ex, and I have a son with my ex.

 

So, yesterday I pitched it to him that he should consider giving his tenant up to a 1yr's notice (June or July of next year) to move out, and we should move into his home because it's better than mine for many reasons (Better school zone. Better floor plan- mine is 2 floors and his is 1 floor. If we stay in mine, we will need to split up our kid's bedrooms and they are young, one would be upstairs near our room, and one downstairs alone, so it wouldn't be as safe. And safer community since it's gated). I had asked him if he was on board with this idea, and he said it was music to his ears and he is 100% on board.

 

The only thing is (and I'm posting in this section for a reason lol), I want to be married in the future. We had already discussed the idea of marriage about 2 months ago. He is not against marriage, but not for it. He doesn't want to ever get divorced (and I share the same mentality. We never been married before). So because he doesn't see marriage as a sacred thing, more like "paper" and divorce rates are high, he isn't that ecstatic about marriage. I told him that I want marriage and if we are incompatible in this area, we need to be clear now because we will just waste each other's time. He said that he wants to be with me, and he will get married to me because it will make me happy and complete. And if marriage makes me happy, then it'll make him happy. Just recently, I told him I have picked our first dance (or the idea) and his comment was "Let's do it!!". Then, he sends me a link of a town in Italy and asks "Honeymoon??". He also mentioned twice before that we need to go to the mall and get me sized. So, he has it in mind, but my only concern is that I don't want to be moving in, sharing financial information and co-mingling funds, thinking of buying house/car together, kids, etc without an actual marriage commitment. So, how do I make it clear to him about me wanting marriage/engagement and not to co-habit as gf/bf before we start making things real serious (as we have kids and they get affected aswell). We have about a year until we move in together, so there's plenty of time, but I kinda of want to make it known without having to bring it up again or make him feel pressured (I don't talk about it often, just when I asked him if we are compatible in this section and definitely haven't given him any time frame for that).

[Lois_Griffin]

Well, it kind of sounds like he's doing it FOR you and that he got a bit caught up in the excitement, talking about getting you 'sized' and showing you pictures of a honeymoon spot.

 

But talking and looking at pictures really doesn't mean anything.

 

He's not unique. No one wants to get divorced.

 

I have to say I always find it a bit hypocritical of those who say marriage is such a losing venture, yet they're happy to cohabitate and reap all the benefits of it as though they are married. Except in the back of their minds, they have that 'get out of jail free' card because they didn't want to make the ultimate commitment.

 

Honestly? It sounds as though he's giving you a whole lot of lip service about how he'll do it because it will make YOU happy. I'd never marry a man with that mentality because I don't think you'll ever hear the end of it and he could very well grow to eventually resent you for 'making' him do it.

[BettyDraper]

Well, it kind of sounds like he's doing it FOR you and that he got a bit caught up in the excitement, talking about getting you 'sized' and showing you pictures of a honeymoon spot.

 

But talking and looking at pictures really doesn't mean anything.

 

He's not unique. No one wants to get divorced.

 

I have to say I always find it a bit hypocritical of those who say marriage is such a losing venture, yet they're happy to cohabitate and reap all the benefits of it as though they are married. Except in the back of their minds, they have that 'get out of jail free' card because they didn't want to make the ultimate commitment.

 

Honestly? It sounds as though he's giving you a whole lot of lip service about how he'll do it because it will make YOU happy. I'd never marry a man with that mentality because I don't think you'll ever hear the end of it and he could very well grow to eventually resent you for 'making' him do it.

 

You're so right. Talk is cheap.

 

It's very common for men to want all the benefits of marriage without the commitment. Women are not forced to provide all the perks without marriage if they want to be wives. We can stand up for ourselves.

 

OP, simply be honest about what you're looking for and refrain from going back on your word by allowing your boyfriend to move in with you before marriage. If you shack up which is against your morals, you will not have a leg to stand on if your boyfriend decides not to marry you after all.

[Mr. Lucky]

He doesn't want to ever get divorced (and I share the same mentality.

 

Don't understand this statement at all in light of your two children. Obviously you were each in "relationships" which ended and nuclear families were split. How is that different from divorce? If marriage is just a piece of "paper", why is divorce so significant?

 

The only thing is (and I'm posting in this section for a reason lol), I want to be married in the future. We had already discussed the idea of marriage about 2 months ago. He is not against marriage, but not for it. He doesn't want to ever get divorced (and I share the same mentality. We never been married before). So because he doesn't see marriage as a sacred thing, more like "paper" and divorce rates are high, he isn't that ecstatic about marriage. I told him that I want marriage and if we are incompatible in this area, we need to be clear now because we will just waste each other's time. He said that he wants to be with me, and he will get married to me because it will make me happy and complete. And if marriage makes me happy, then it'll make him happy. Just recently, I told him I have picked our first dance (or the idea) and his comment was "Let's do it!!". Then, he sends me a link of a town in Italy and asks "Honeymoon??". He also mentioned twice before that we need to go to the mall and get me sized. So, he has it in mind, but my only concern is that I don't want to be moving in, sharing financial information and co-mingling funds, thinking of buying house/car together, kids, etc without an actual marriage commitment. So, how do I make it clear to him about me wanting marriage/engagement and not to co-habit as gf/bf before we start making things real serious (as we have kids and they get affected aswell). We have about a year until we move in together, so there's plenty of time, but I kinda of want to make it known without having to bring it up again or make him feel pressured (I don't talk about it often, just when I asked him if we are compatible in this section and definitely haven't given him any time frame for that).

 

Do you see how hard you're working behind the scenes to make this happen on your schedule?

 

Step 1 - pitch cohabitation

Step 2 - tie cohabitation to specific date

Step 3 - insist on marriage

Step 4 - tie marriage date to cohabitation date

 

Dragging him to altar will not inure to your benefit in the long run. You have every right to want to be married. Unless he's equally interested in exercising his same right, you'll have a decision to make...

 

Mr. Lucky

[todreaminblue]

You have to stand firm ...and not move in together.....until you are married.....i have been there and done that...lived with two different men and had two broken engagements.....im not going to say its all their fault.....life takes over...you become comfortable with the situation when you really shouldnt.....bills.... sudden expenses ......thinking its ok we can do it later...later doesnt eventuate......not in my case anyway.....maybe not in yours......if you really want to marry and that is a more important commitment than living together...then wait...till you are married to take that step..stand strong.....good luck....deb

[Kuchi2]

Don't understand this statement at all in light of your two children. Obviously you were each in "relationships" which ended and nuclear families were split. How is that different from divorce? If marriage is just a piece of "paper", why is divorce so significant?

 

For me, the reason why I want marriage commitment before buying a house and having kids is because I had already done the cohabitation with my ex, my child's father. I wanted to get married then too, but my child was a surprise (not a surprise as whoops we're having sex, but surprise because we were using contraceptives), and then I just shortly after realize I wont ever say yes to that man, even though he eventually asked me after my child was born. So it's not that I never wanted marriage before, but it just didn't worked out the way I wanted. I learned alot by my last relationship, that I want to make things right going forward.

 

For him, he just never wanted and was never at a point with someone that he would consider asking to marry him. I asked him why he never even gotten engaged with his baby's mother, and he said he never wanted to (not sure if to her, or in general. Didn't pish it).

 

Regarding pitching the moving in together. This was after we had discussed the marriage talk, and me saying I want to get married before any of house buying or kids. Mainly it came up because we were talking about school, and the school I want my child in for kinder is in his school zone, which his child will be attending too same year.

 

I'm just not sure what to do. A good part of me believes he will in the future, just don't know when. I definitely don't want it now, but since we are looking to moving in together in a year, I see that as the time frame.

[Mr. Lucky]

For him, he just never wanted and was never at a point with someone that he would consider asking to marry him. I asked him why he never even gotten engaged with his baby's mother, and he said he never wanted to (not sure if to her, or in general. Didn't pish it).

 

What commitment does he - and you - see in marriage that having a child together doesn't also embody? To me, co-parenting is the more permanent bond as, while I can divorce a spouse, I can't "un-parent" her as the mother of my child.

 

Sounds like the two of you have to agree on what commitment is - and why one asks for it - before you take the next step...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Miss Peach]

I am a single mom too. I have lived with a few BFs so for me alone I never really saw it as too big of a deal. But bringing kids into it and changing things for them is a bigger deal to me. For me I would be hesitant to do cohabitation with kids without at least being engaged. If you two are seriously considering it, there is nothing wrong IMO with setting boundaries and timelines. Also, having been divorced, I wouldn't make any decisions until at least a year regardless of what I felt/thought about a guy.

 

I do agree with the previous posters that if the actions don't match up here then you may need to make a difficult choice.

[NTV]

IDK, just to play devils advocate here, if I were seeing a chick for 8 months and she was talking marriage, I would be splitsville. That's the type of life agenda thing that would make me feel like my face was just put into a groom cutout.... like who I was didn't really matter as much as how I could fulfill some 'role' that I was being used for.

 

 

TBH Kuchi, I think you need to really take a hard look at why you have this agenda to begin with and why you feel you need to have a man that conforms to it. I say that because I can tell you that all the life planning and agenda making in the world won't make you happy--exception probably being retirement planning lol--so what happens when you get what you think you want and you don't feel fulfilled like you think you should be?

[Miss Peach]

IDK, just to play devils advocate here, if I were seeing a chick for 8 months and she was talking marriage, I would be splitsville. That's the type of life agenda thing that would make me feel like my face was just put into a groom cutout.... like who I was didn't really matter as much as how I could fulfill some 'role' that I was being used for.

 

I see your point here. At 8 months BF and I said we could see the other as a spouse but that's different than saying I want to get married. It would be a red flag to me to get married in less than a year.

[MJJean]

I believe that two fully fledged adults in a committed relationship should have a general idea if they want to marry within a year. If one or both eventually want marriage and the relationship isn't heading that way, why waste each others time? Since you've already discussed marriage and he seems totally on board, just gently remind him you'd prefer to marry BEFORE living together. And, by gently, I mean you say it straight in a calm and loving tone of voice.

Edited August 5, 2016 by MJJean

[Kuchi2]

IDK, just to play devils advocate here, if I were seeing a chick for 8 months and she was talking marriage, I would be splitsville. That's the type of life agenda thing that would make me feel like my face was just put into a groom cutout.... like who I was didn't really matter as much as how I could fulfill some 'role' that I was being used for.

 

 

TBH Kuchi, I think you need to really take a hard look at why you have this agenda to begin with and why you feel you need to have a man that conforms to it. I say that because I can tell you that all the life planning and agenda making in the world won't make you happy--exception probably being retirement planning lol--so what happens when you get what you think you want and you don't feel fulfilled like you think you should be?

 

I didn't state I wanted to get married now. I only stated I want that in my future and I hope we were on the same boat. I didn't not pressure him nor give him a deadline, but at this point in our relationship, we should have a good idea on how we see our lives headed with the other person, or what we hope anyways, and not waste time if we both have different relationship goals... that is the point of dating.

[Kuchi2]

Since this post, we have talked about it some more and have come to a conclusion. We will still move with each other as planned (in a year), because he wants to live together before marriage. But he has also confirmed he sees marriage in his future, and once we are settled together in the house and some time passes, he will seek engagement.

 

He already understands my position and also I have made it clear that I can't wait forever for something that won't happen and that I will also have to reconsider our relationship at that point. There was no deadline mentioned, because I don't want to put a specific date on this. We both have an understanding from the other, and our relationship is as strong as usual. As we learn more from each other and live together, time will tell.

[Mr. Lucky]

but at this point in our relationship, we should have a good idea on how we see our lives headed with the other person, or what we hope anyways, and not waste time if we both have different relationship goals...

 

You do both have a "good idea" of where you're headed, just not the same one.

 

At least the pending "move-in" deadline gives you a realistic date by which, absent action by him, you can make a decision...

 

Mr. Lucky

[SammySammy]

IDK, just to play devils advocate here, if I were seeing a chick for 8 months and she was talking marriage, I would be splitsville. That's the type of life agenda thing that would make me feel like my face was just put into a groom cutout.... like who I was didn't really matter as much as how I could fulfill some 'role' that I was being used for.

 

 

TBH Kuchi, I think you need to really take a hard look at why you have this agenda to begin with and why you feel you need to have a man that conforms to it. I say that because I can tell you that all the life planning and agenda making in the world won't make you happy--exception probably being retirement planning lol--so what happens when you get what you think you want and you don't feel fulfilled like you think you should be?

 

I'm thinking the same thing. She's only known this guy eight months and she's already trying to nail down a wedding date, move into his house, combine families, commingle funds ....

 

It's just too much. Tow much, too soon. With a guy who has told her he's not enthused about getting married again.

 

I think it would be best to solidify their relationship first. If they want to be married at some point, plan the wedding, have the wedding and THEN move in together.

 

That's the only way I'd stay in this relationship. Otherwise, this rush to "clarify" things about a wedding after only eight months would push me out the door.

[SammySammy]

I didn't state I wanted to get married now. I only stated I want that in my future and I hope we were on the same boat. I didn't not pressure him nor give him a deadline, but at this point in our relationship, we should have a good idea on how we see our lives headed with the other person, or what we hope anyways, and not waste time if we both have different relationship goals... that is the point of dating.

 

Why can't you decide those things without living together?

[Kuchi2]

I'm thinking the same thing. She's only known this guy eight months and she's already trying to nail down a wedding date, move into his house, combine families, commingle funds ....

 

It's just too much. Tow much, too soon. With a guy who has told her he's not enthused about getting married again.

 

I think it would be best to solidify their relationship first. If they want to be married at some point, plan the wedding, have the wedding and THEN move in together.

 

That's the only way I'd stay in this relationship. Otherwise, this rush to "clarify" things about a wedding after only eight months would push me out the door.

 

You're just jumping into conclusions about a wedding date. Read what I wrote and you can see i never honed it down to i want to get married now. I never set a date nor some timeline. I just know what I want in my future and wanted to be clear with him so we're not 3 or 5 yrs in and there's no question of being married. We will be almost 2 yrs into our relationship once we move.

 

Couples in committed relationships do talk about the future. Marriage, kids, house, money, etc. Its what sets if you see that person as a long term potential.

[BettyDraper]

Since this post, we have talked about it some more and have come to a conclusion. We will still move with each other as planned (in a year), because he wants to live together before marriage. But he has also confirmed he sees marriage in his future, and once we are settled together in the house and some time passes, he will seek engagement.

 

He already understands my position and also I have made it clear that I can't wait forever for something that won't happen and that I will also have to reconsider our relationship at that point. There was no deadline mentioned, because I don't want to put a specific date on this. We both have an understanding from the other, and our relationship is as strong as usual. As we learn more from each other and live together, time will tell.

 

 

If you both want marriage, why can't you be engaged while living together?

It's as if you view moving in together as a step towards marriage while he thinks it is just a trial run. It doesn't sound like you're on the same page and your boyfriend is just telling you what he wants to hear.

 

There's no reason to live with your boyfriend with no ring and no planned nuptials if marriage is so important to you. Just to be clear, when I speak of "planned nuptials" I'm not saying that the only acceptable wedding is a large one. Plans to go to the courthouse are fine if that's what you want.