Recently Seperated and struggling

[badladbudgie]

Hi All

 

Just thought I would share my story and would appreciate any advise or comments.

 

I never thought I would end up here, a common theme it seems from others posting on here but I really thought it true. My Wife walked out last week and is now staying in an undisclosed location we are at this point not talking only communicating via email, hard to believe we just got back from a trip of a lifetime just 12 weeks ago! She said all the usual things that I did not listen to such as I love you but i'm not in love with you anymore, why don't you treat me like a Princess, please spend time with me, date me all this numerous times and I have not really listened to her plea's.

 

Things came to a head about 3 weeks ago when we were going through a rough time and I told her that maybe we should take a break, I did not mean for us to split up only that our lives were so busy and we are so caught up in what we are doing that we were losing ourselves in the process and that we needed to take a break as a family, I tried to explain this to her but it did not make any difference.

 

We both work full time and I also run a small business on the side so our lives can be pretty stressful. I did lots at home including most of the housework, washing, cooking dinners etc and I really thought I was doing a good job of taking care of all of us. We also have a 4 year old daughter who is just beautiful and my heart is breaking that this is happening, I never wanted her to have to come from a broken home and i think she is still confused as to why Mummy is spending so much time at work these days and is staying elsewhere.

 

I have been leaning on my parents and friends big time for support but I am feeling so guilty for not listening to my Wife when she was in need and was crying out to me, especially for our Daughter's sake now Mummy and Daddy are separated. I should have been stronger for my Wife and can now see a way to fix everything if only she would drop her defenses just a little.

 

I am trying to work on being the best version of myself and refinding my confidence, just the thoughts of what I should have done keep flooding back and I kick the boot into myself. She did support me the last couple of years when I was going through indecision about a job I had left and over whether I made the right call, almost daily for nearly a year... Stupid I know but I was not in a great place and needed my Wife for support and those problems I thought so big are now just minute specks of dust that do not matter at all.

 

We went on a date a few weeks ago before she moved out and instead of being strong and letting it be her idea to come back I tried to explain all the wrong I had done and how I would change after saying to myself all day I would not do that I could not stop myself, she even said a couple of days later that there was a chance for us but I had just kept pushing and pushing and not given her the space she asked for. Have I blown it by this stupid action?

 

What to do... nothing is the best option that seems to be the answer, is there any way I can get our family back together? Any hope of reconciliation and forgiveness? Like the vows we exchanged on our Wedding Day till death do us part, in sickness and in health etc, i really meant them.

 

I love our family more than anything and would never leave or bail out on them, and this is killing me inside... help.

[Marc878]

Marriages are made they don't just happen. It's a 50/50 split on the work that's required.

 

Usually when you get the ilubinilwy it's over and done. Sorry man.

 

Only time will tell now. In the future if you get another chance make it a fun date and cut the drama.

 

If I were you I'd check your phone bill just to make sure there isn't another man in the mix. It's usually the case in these situations

[lolablue17]

You love your family but You don't love her. She knows it, and she knows that love is not something that you can bring to the table after she orders it. She has tried to give you many chances and understood that you just don't love her.

 

You are now so terrified about the divorce, until you don't listen, you don't seek the truth inside you, you just afraid of changes. She may be right, you know. You will say and do everything to make her come back, but first try to find yourself, your true feelings. You love the stability, the family, not her and if she comes back because of a good show you make, it will not last.

[rjthefirst]

Look at NC or the 180s in the Critical Reading section if you want to try to work on the relationship. I'm sorry you're going through this, I hope you can find a way to reconcile with your wife.

[Lowrider93]

Hey bud hang in there, it's a good thing you checked in here, it gives you a chance to vent your feelings and you,'ll get some good advice here too.

Unfortunately you will have to follow your head not your heart and you can make

promises to your wife until your blue in the face, that won't change anything.

Stand tall and no begging for anything from her, if she has already checked out then nothing you say will make any difference now.

If there is another man involved then it's all a matter of who your wife Is as a person, does she believe in the commitment that marriage requires?

Nonetheless you have to show her that you will live your life with or without her.

Don't look back, could of,should of,would of,don't mean a thing. There is only the here and now and hope for the future.

 

Peace to you brother

[Lost1980]

I'm sorry you are going through this, I would take some time to look at the phone records and bank account. just to see if there is anything suspicious. If you find anything, you should find a lawyer. I'm going through a similar situation. I tried to reconcile but she didn't want to. It takes two people to get married and only one of them to end it. I wish you well.

[badladbudgie]

Hi Guys

 

Thanks for your comments, I really appreciate you guys taking the time to listen and offer advise to me. It feels so much better being able to get this off my chest and post on a website such as this and know I am not the only one out there going through this.

 

I do really love my Wife and all the small things that we shared and did for each other make me wonder why I did not recognize the fact of how much she loved me too by what she did in her actions. But as Lowrider93 said there is no point in looking back because I can't change anything in the past, I can only change the person I am now.

 

Funny how you come to a sudden realization and go on a mission to fix all the problems in your marriage when it is too late? I guess I just got comfortable and stopped doing the things we used to do when we first met and were dating which is really all she was ever asking for. I only wish I had seen my errors sooner not just for me but my Daughters sake as well.

 

Last night she sent me an email with a list of "non negotiable" rules we will both adhere to moving forward, I have not yet replied and I showed my family who were just shocked about some of the thinhs she was saying. It was a real eye opener to say the least and I can't believe that it came from my Wife and partner of 12 years that we are now resorting to email rather than having a conversation and being able to sort stuff out like adults. Some of the rules are beyond obvious such as respect each other, our only goal together now is to raise a beautiful daughter, we are no longer each others protectors, we had a relationship but this has now ended ended 16/7/16 etc etc for about 30 points. She is saying she wants to leave the legal side out of this but the way it is written is almost from a lawyers point of view (one of her friends is a lawyer whom she had mentioned numerous times how clever and smart he is) he is going through a divorce so I am feeling she may be mixing with the wrong minded people, she also told me that she had said about our marriage the ilhbnilwha conversation which I was upset about talking to another man about this? I am not the jealous type but I just did not think this was right.

 

I just feel like saying to her "who are you and what have you done with my Wife" Its so hard to have someone you love and trust everything into and now that person is just gone...devastating. But as the saying goes the only way is up.

[Lost1980]

Try to negotiate terms with her, but don't let her just run you over. Your child is the most important part of this whole situation. Everything else is just stuff. They say that you never divorce the person you feel in love with, stay strong, things will get better.

[Lowrider93]

Most anything is negotiable, if anything on her list just don't sit right with you

then stand your ground. Best to have a lawyer even if you agree on the terms.

If you don't protect your interests who will?(the lawyer).

I'm not keen on the idea of the person leaving the relationship making all kinds of demands and thinking they have all the control.

My advice would be don't argue about the small she it.

[badladbudgie]

She did say that I should come back to her with any changes I think should be made to the "non negotiable rules" and wanted my input, I guess in my mind it all looks so final.

 

I also asked for a rundown about where our finances are as I am in the dark about this and I know she has a separate account but not sure how much goes in there so I have asked for clarity.. Still waiting to hear back on that one. I know that may sound dumb but she has always looked after that side of things including both our businesses and I never thought we would end up hre anyways.

 

It may sound silly but you guys think that there is any hope in her changing her mind about us and coming back if I show her I am strong and have changed and because she wants to after sending me something like this or am I just p**sing into the wind?

 

I was considering spending $300 on the get your ex back super system by Dam Bacon as well!

[Lowrider93]

Could she come back, only she knows. I can tell you they say weakness is so unattractive. Don't waste your money on any info that says it can fix your problem, there is so much good information online at your fingertips right now,

research it. I've read a few articles about an author named Michelle Langley

(Not an advertisement just good info) She has some solid insight into

Women-Marriage-Infidelity. Much of what I went thru began to make sense

after her research and knowledge opened my eyes.

 

I hope all works out for you no matter what happens.

[badladbudgie]

The guilt over our Daughter now being from a broken home is tearing me apart. All she knows is Mummy and Daddy and still draws pictures of us all together, that is the most heartbreaking thing and the hardest by far for me to deal with. She will be given so much love from both sides I know but she is so innocent in all of this and never asked to be put in this position. Anybody have any advise on how I can overcome this and be strong for my Daughter?

[standtall]

First of all, accept that you are not going to get your wife back. It seems that during your time of mutual emotional abandonment, something happen...ie the other guy by the way it sounds. It's done, it's over. Do the 180 and start moving on...the quicker you do this, the quicker you take the control she has over you and restore it back to yourself.

 

Do not trust anything she says from this point on, and hire a mean nasty lawyer.

[Marc878]

Hi Guys

 

Thanks for your comments, I really appreciate you guys taking the time to listen and offer advise to me. It feels so much better being able to get this off my chest and post on a website such as this and know I am not the only one out there going through this.

 

I do really love my Wife and all the small things that we shared and did for each other make me wonder why I did not recognize the fact of how much she loved me too by what she did in her actions. But as Lowrider93 said there is no point in looking back because I can't change anything in the past, I can only change the person I am now.

 

Funny how you come to a sudden realization and go on a mission to fix all the problems in your marriage when it is too late? I guess I just got comfortable and stopped doing the things we used to do when we first met and were dating which is really all she was ever asking for. I only wish I had seen my errors sooner not just for me but my Daughters sake as well.

 

Last night she sent me an email with a list of "non negotiable" rules we will both adhere to moving forward, I have not yet replied and I showed my family who were just shocked about some of the thinhs she was saying. It was a real eye opener to say the least and I can't believe that it came from my Wife and partner of 12 years that we are now resorting to email rather than having a conversation and being able to sort stuff out like adults. Some of the rules are beyond obvious such as respect each other, our only goal together now is to raise a beautiful daughter, we are no longer each others protectors, we had a relationship but this has now ended ended 16/7/16 etc etc for about 30 points. She is saying she wants to leave the legal side out of this but the way it is written is almost from a lawyers point of view (one of her friends is a lawyer whom she had mentioned numerous times how clever and smart he is) he is going through a divorce so I am feeling she may be mixing with the wrong minded people, she also told me that she had said about our marriage the ilhbnilwha conversation which I was upset about talking to another man about this? I am not the jealous type but I just did not think this was right.

 

I just feel like saying to her "who are you and what have you done with my Wife" Its so hard to have someone you love and trust everything into and now that person is just gone...devastating. But as the saying goes the only way is up.

 

if I were you I'd go online and check my phone bill. Know what you're dealing with. There maybe another man in the mix. If that is the case you can work on yourself til you fall over and it won't matter.

[Lois_Griffin]

Sadly, when a woman is done, she's done. I've rarely - if ever - seen a woman change her mind once it was made up.

 

My spidey senses are also tingling about this lawyer "friend' of hers. I have the feeling he's a bigger player in this show than you realize.

[SadSteve1976]

I'm new here just as of today. I myself just moved back in with my wife and 3 girls 8 months ago. I felt exactly the same as you man. This was a 4 year seperation. We have been together since I was 15! I'm 40 this month! Your situation is very similar except I was thrown out. But I did not want it as you don't. My advice is beware. Even though we were seperated I trusted her. I believed her. Like you said till death do us part. I meant it also. Throught this time apart I always tried to get back home. It was the hardest time of my life. But my point is I asked her many, many times about boyfriends, relationship, dating sites, sex. She told me the kids were her priority. And the answer was always no! After 4 long horrible years I move back home. She continues to lie to me until after finding things constantly she confesses to sleeping with 4 men. All in my home, and in my bed. And to make things worse it all was just sexual. Talk about a knife in the heart. And the fact she could lie to my face. So be weary my friend. Ask questions and ask for honesty. If I would have known then what I know now I would have moved on and never taken her back!!!! I know it would be hard to start the divorce but what I'm going through now I would have taken that divorce and be happily in another's arms now and not care about her past lovers. Good luck. And a bit of advice. I found all undeniable evidence on her Facebook!!!!! I wish you the best. Be strong! Your daughter needs a strong dad!!!

[Jeff1690]

if I were you I'd go online and check my phone bill. Know what you're dealing with. There maybe another man in the mix. If that is the case you can work on yourself til you fall over and it won't matter.

Do this. I checked mine after my wife said she wanted divorce. Found 6000 minutes of cell calls on her line to OM in four months alone. Just one of those months she talked to him more than me and my 2 sons in 1 year.

[LancasterAmos1966]

Anybody have any advise on how I can overcome this and be strong for my Daughter?

 

Badladbudgie, sorry to hear about your situation. Rejection sure hurts, and it will take deliberate effort on your part to emotionally recover from this.

 

But many, like myself, saw the ending of a marriage relationship but went on to recover. And you don't need another wife to recover!! I wasted my time at a marriage counselor trying to salvage my marriage, but one thing I did learn from him was that I needed to learn how to live by myself. That has taken me awhile to learn.

 

When marriages are ending, there seems to be a pattern of arguments, finger pointing, changing the history of events, etc.

 

Not my original thought, but I sure believe it to be true: A partner can not leave someone they love. So they will make stuff up. It might be true or they might exaggerate, or they might just lie. It makes no difference, because they get what they want. They want OUT.

 

And if you hold on, eventually they will do something big. Like move out, have an affair. They are hoping this is the dealbreaker that will cause you to file divorce, get angry, and let them go.

 

Letting go isn't easy!! But you can do it.

 

I'd suggest that instead of looking back with total disgust and bitterness, have an attitude of thankfulness. Be grateful your wife shared her life with you for a few years. Be grateful you experienced love, and could share it back with her.

 

Being bitter, calling her names like a narcissistic evil person won't help you recover. She just wants out.

 

Try to put yourself into her shoes for a minute. What if YOU wanted out. Would you want her pestering you? Would you want her trying to hang onto you? Probably not!! You'd want your freedom, and you'd want out.

 

It's normal for one partner to be the "initiator" and the other partner to be the one that wants to hang on.

 

You ask for advice on how to be strong for your daughter: Show thankfulness to your wife for the time she shared with you, and then begin a new life without her. Store family photos at a friends house (Don't shred them because in a few years your emotions won't be raw), buy a single bed are some things I'd suggest.

 

Oh, and don't hold any tears inside!! Let them out whenever you must.

[planning4later]

Marriages are made they don't just happen. It's a 50/50 split on the work that's required.

 

Usually when you get the ilubinilwy it's over and done. Sorry man.

 

Only time will tell now. In the future if you get another chance make it a fun date and cut the drama.

 

If I were you I'd check your phone bill just to make sure there isn't another man in the mix. It's usually the case in these situations

 

Exactly. Good advice. As a man in this culture you have been shamed and programmed to believe that anything and everything in a relationship is your fault. Could you have done more? Sure. But do not for one second think it was all your fault. There are women who have husbands that give HALF as much attention and still stay and make the best of it.

[desertfunguy]

It sounds like she left your four year old with you. That is pretty nutty abandonment if that is true. I am going through something similar, and have now just disengaged and am not feeding the frenzy and drama. I think you need to look at the positives in this. I cannot see how you could ever want to go back with someone who would act like this. This is really not nice under any circumstances. You need to probably get pretty tough in this situation, start with a lawyer of your own. You will feel better with a shark on your side. Cut off her communication completely. Send your demands, in the form of a legal demand letter from your lawyer and let her law school flunky friend choke on it. Close bank accounts that you have access to and move all of your money out of her reach. The only thing that she will respond to is ruthlessness on your part, because this is what she is doing to you. Don't jeopardize your daughter, and keep her out of it, because mommy will see her in the end. Use the attorney, and follow their guidance to the letter, and forget all emotion. You need to put your eye on the future. Go on Match, and just look at all of the available women. Most are divorced, and some may be good ones, who had guys, who are like your wife. We just need to choose better. You are not alone. I had a female coworker tell me she was going through the same thing I am with her husband. Made me feel a million times better, because I now understand I am not a loner in this. This is epidemic, because of our new emasculated society. We will smile again, and it will be sooner, rather than later.