Did she leave for love or money?

[Tonofbricks]

My wife and I are separated for about 2weeks now but the story goes back further than that. I had the BD on May 5th and has deteriorated ever since. The whole script ... Ilubnilwy , space , done , laundry list of things Brie wrong. Tried counciling but she stuck by her being "done" and wanted to end marriage. Had suspicions of OM but no proof. Further into June she keeps asking for separation agreement insistently. I drag my feet so she finally finds one on Internet. She modifies it with a dating clause .. Which is already in there if she had read it. So her intentions were clear. Also in this agreement she asked for no money..none. Wanted to keep house and leave kids in it and we rotate days staying their.

 

Found proof that an EA had begun in March and that she had feelings for OM. OM is direct opposite of me. He is overweight, heavy drinker , loud , salesman type , not spiritual. They knew each other in HS and it's rumored that they slept together then. She is older and usually in HS underclassmen where a social no no . I was unaware of this and if had known would not have let our kids date (ages 13/14) my wife used his son as a reason to contact OM ... Discussing kids and outings ect.

 

Now I am coming to the realization that she probably left for the money. The last couple of years have been a struggle financially. I pay for everything. Work 50-55 hrs a a week just to break even. About 8 yrs ago she took a job at a school taking a 10k pay cut from a job she hated. The change was because this would make her happy. We both agreed .. I just wanted my wife to do happy. I took on the added pressure and she offered no help financially to this day . I often would plan vacations (Disney) but when asked to help with $ she balked.

 

This OM is divorcing and I have learned specifics of his financial situation from his wife as we speak regularly. He makes over twice what I do. They have a beach property , not on but near. My wife loves the beach and said she'd like live there. OM wife drives new Lexus and the car payment is almost what my house payment is. My wife has jealously of this couple and has told om wife this. The country club , vacations , cars, shopping, bigger house are all things I could not provide but he could.

 

So now she says she is in love with this guy and it's only been 3months since BD. She is out of my house and living with parents.. As she makes so little she can't afford a place to live. Can an affair start during marriage then transition to a healthy relationship /marriage? Is she simply leaving me for him and $ ? Why stay in a marriage with someone you don't love and be broke , when you could go with OM (not in love) and be comfortably taken care of? Has she secretly been a gold digger from the beginning of has it developed from our lack of mobility financially? My dead end job that had us strapped monthly...she never offered any help is what now looking back really hurts.

[basil67]

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

 

You haven't given a description of your marriage being happy and loving - so perhaps this was the sign that it was all coming. We can't tell you if she's in love with him or his money. But if he's a salesman type, then he probably has the gift of being a good conversationalist which would easily woo a woman.

 

And yes it can work out long term. I've only known two people who left their marriages for an affair partner and both made a long and successful second marriage.

[road]

Why she left does not matter.

 

 

What matters is what do you want to do. Fight and save the marriage or divorce your WW.

[Tonofbricks]

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

 

You haven't given a description of your marriage being happy and loving

 

And yes it can work out long term. I've only known two people who left their marriages for an affair partner and both made a long and successful second marriage.

 

It was a loving marriage but the stress of day to day takes its toll especially when financial strain is there. Said she thought about our problems for 2yrs never telling me about them...it was a cycle of her not getting what she needed and I the same ... Withholding

 

Not what I want to hear about "them"... It was a relationship started on lies and deception... How canthatvever be right? Others have told om that she's after his $ and is her new meal ticket . She'll probably quit her job as she's always wanted , move to a swank new house and be in a new Lexus by years end... Probably take the kids to Disney for a week something I just couldn't afford..

What I'm trying to say is that the proof will be in her actions and it will be seen by everyone ... Then they can judge her true intentions..

[Tonofbricks]

Why she left does not matter.

 

 

What matters is what do you want to do. Fight and save the marriage or divorce your WW.

 

Adultery is the deal breaker for me . Divorce is the only option now.

[lolablue17]

Your wife is not a young girl who admire appearance. Is he a salesman? So he sells her the fantasy of living in the beach, no money problems, and a fresh new male attention who treats her like a princess.

 

You cannot offer a new fresh male attention (No long term husband can) + life with no money problems.

 

I understand he is divorcing his wife, right? So he will have less money than he thinks, and the fresh enviroment holds for 1-2 years the maximum. She knows it but she can't resist herself from living in a dream.

 

Her problem will began when the dream is over and reality will take place.

[Tonofbricks]

Your wife is not a young girl who admire appearance. Is he a salesman? So he sells her the fantasy of living in the beach, no money problems, and a fresh new male attention who treats her like a princess.

 

You cannot offer a new fresh male attention (No long term husband can) + life with no money problems.

 

I understand he is divorcing his wife, right? So he will have less money than he thinks, and the fresh enviroment holds for 1-2 years the maximum. She knows it but she can't resist herself from living in a dream.

 

Her problem will began when the dream is over and reality will take place.

 

This is my feeling as to what is going on. She never low that entitled feeling that I put away a long time ago.. I was happy to be healthy , wonderful kids and modest lifestyle. I bought house, kept her in a nice (not new ) car , dinners out (i paid) , family vacations ( modest) , did work around house .. Cooked ,washed clothes , picked up kids .. No more mr nice guy stuff ...

 

It's early in this situation so my anger is high and really just want some pain to come her way for what she's done. I won't dwell on this long as I know it's not healthy but it sure would feel good now ..

 

The leaving for money is just my way of explaining why she did it... Several other key points too numerous to mention shows me that this was her "plan" and not so much being talked into anything.. I know most will say it doesn't matter why but just that she's gone...it just goes to show that you really never know anyone but yourself.

[lolablue17]

...it just goes to show that you really never know anyone but yourself.

 

This is so true... Sometimes you can surprise yourself too... :)

[Marc878]

Full exposure to his/her friends, family, etc if you want yo try and salvage the marriage.

 

Fastrack the divorce and get good terms if you want the marriage to end.

 

I suspect you are seeing her for who she really is at this point. There may be nothing to salvage or work on.

[Tonofbricks]

Full exposure to his/her friends, family, etc if you want yo try and salvage the marriage.

 

Fastrack the divorce and get good terms if you want the marriage to end.

 

I suspect you are seeing her for who she really is at this point. There may be nothing to salvage or work on.

 

Forgot to mention txt's my d13 found on her MacBook ... Between best friend of om and my wife.. Spoke of killing me and disposing of my body easily .. And was it bad , my wife asked ,that she didn't care.

 

Many have said once this affair rind its course that she'll come back wanting to work on it. I hope she does so I can tell her NO!

[Bufo]

Can a relationship with such a sordid start evolve into a normal, loving one? Yes it can. Now the odds of it happening are about as good as me winning Super

Bowl MVP award next year. Or tonight's Lotto. I wouldn't worry about it happening.

 

Not only is his divorce going to cost him half of his assets, it will likely cost him spousal support and child support if there are kids. I suspect your WW hasn't factored those realities into her equation. The @@it will hit the fan when she sees what's left to keep her in the style she'd like to become accustomed to.

 

Your issues aren't his finances or even her motivation. Your issues are getting out of infidelity and protecting your kids. Getting out of infidelity means D or R. Right now R is off the table since WW hasn't one drop of regret for what she's done. You can't R by yourself. You can figure out for yourself what I think the eventual path will be. And I have no idea how far away beachfront paradise is from you but if it's not in the next town, you will need to fight for custody/visitation. Having XX chromosomes no longer entitles one parent to custody and control of visitation. How old are the kids? Don't let her brainwash them into believing her vision of SAHM and beachfront paradise.

 

And is OM really the type who is happy to take on a second family? Or is he on the road most of the time?

 

Do yourself a favor and get a legal consultation. Knowledge is power and you need to know what D will likely look like. Save that murder email,,btw. That's a hard one to explain to the judge.

[Tonofbricks]

Can a relationship with such a sordid start evolve into a normal, loving one? Yes it can. Now the odds of it happening are about as good as me winning Super

Bowl MVP award next year. Or tonight's Lotto. I wouldn't worry about it happening.

 

Not only is his divorce going to cost him half of his assets, it will likely cost him spousal support and child support if there are kids. I suspect your WW hasn't factored those realities into her equation. The @@it will hit the fan when she sees what's left to keep her in the style she'd like to become accustomed to.

 

Your issues aren't his finances or even her motivation. Your issues are getting out of infidelity and protecting your kids. Getting out of infidelity means D or R. Right now R is off the table since WW hasn't one drop of regret for what she's done. You can't R by yourself. You can figure out for yourself what I think the eventual path will be. And I have no idea how far away beachfront paradise is from you but if it's not in the next town, you will need to fight for custody/visitation. Having XX chromosomes no longer entitles one parent to custody and control of visitation. How old are the kids? Don't let her brainwash them into believing her vision of SAHM and beachfront paradise.

 

And is OM really the type who is happy to take on a second family? Or is he on the road most of the time?

 

Do yourself a favor and get a legal consultation. Knowledge is power and you need to know what D will likely look like. Save that murder email,,btw. That's a hard one to explain to the judge.

 

I love the way you think... Yes on the legal counsel , had that secured about 1mo after BD. Am now in process of tweeking sep agreement , lawyer has it and is shoring up holes.

 

I have inside info as I've been talking constantly with om's wife.. Giving her tips on how to solve different issues and what she's intitled to. So me informing her as to the amounts has peaked her interest.. She is seeing a lawyer this week. During our conversations is when the ightbulb went off , she's in it for his $.

 

My D's are different now... Can't discribe it .. Just different.. I know how hard it is on me , I'm sure it's confusing to them and difficult to understand. This is what I grieve the most ... The death of my family and wish for my D's to escape childhood unscathed. Wife I could care less about.

 

The beachfront oasis is a single wide trailer a mile from beach.. She works a 10 mo school job and can take off during the summer and stay there .. I guess shuttling the kids back every other week as per our agreement.

 

But I do like your thinking on state of that relationship.. The tanking of it will give me some satisfaction in an otherwise $hitty sitch.

[Bufo]

Thanks for the additional information. You seem to be doing really good and staying ahead of the wave. Just don't get wrapped up in the inevitable "why?" question. You'll never get a truthful or even rational answer from her.

 

You've contacted a lawyer and the other BS. Those are two important steps the collective mind of LS has to beg newbie BS's to do.

 

Of course your kids are confused. Things are not the same as they have been for their entire lives. They deserve an age appropriate answer from you (as well as frm WW but you can't force that to happen) and possibly counseling. The school (if they are that old) may have some recommendations for you. Worth looking into in any event. They need to know that you will always be there for them and will always love them. From their point of view they have already lost one parent and are probably scared half to death that they'll lose you, too.

 

Weekends tend to be slow. The cavalry will arrive Monday morning with their experiences and advice. Check in and read. Not all advice will seem helpful, and you are of course free to reject whatever you want to. But remember the BTDT status of many should cause you to evaluate what's being said to you.

 

It may be time for what we call "the 180" which helps you detach from WW. In short, limit communication to the topics of kids and finances. Do not tell her you don't want a divorce, for instance. Don't beg her to return or tell her the kids miss her horribly. Read up on the 180 here. Use what is helpful to you, and recognize at just because some portions if it are counterintuitive doesn't mean they are wrong.

 

Finally (you never thought I'd get to that point, did you?) read some other threads. You'll see lots of us have been through ornate going through the same @@it.

[2.50 a gallon]

ToB

 

 

Did you save the text threatening dispose of your body?

That is a death threat, take it serious, contact the authorities and get a restraining order.

In short get her out of the house, file for D and custody of the kids.

Then ask for child support. She will have to pay, no matter what.

Let OM have her, while you get her pay check and you will be free to find some one new.

[Tonofbricks]

ToB

 

 

Did you save the text threatening dispose of your body?

That is a death threat, take it serious, contact the authorities and get a restraining order.

In short get her out of the house, file for D and custody of the kids.

Then ask for child support. She will have to pay, no matter what.

Let OM have her, while you get her pay check and you will be free to find some one new.

 

Yes I have them saved and lawyer has copy as well. I take the language very serious in that txt but know deep down she's not capabable of doing physical harm to me. It was more the general hate that emanated from them that upset me. Here is a woman that I loved for 15yrs saying that she cares so little for me.

There is quite abit more to this story , the manipulative stuff with om son and my d13 that is also disturbing.

 

W makes so little money paying any amount would probably just make it harder on my kids. In my sep agreement I have stipulated that there be no overnight guests until married. Hopefully this would keep a potential rotation of boyfriends out of my kids lives ... At least for a little while. She is focused on this om now but who knows what the future will bring.

 

As for custody a 50/50 is what we have now and will probably be. W only redeeming quality is that she for the most part is a good mother. But I am monitoring her actions and behaviors too protect my kids. I think this is some sort of mlc phase she's going through ,so hopefully for kids sake she snaps out before they grow up.

[Marc878]

Yes I have them saved and lawyer has copy as well. I take the language very serious in that txt but know deep down she's not capabable of doing physical harm to me. It was more the general hate that emanated from them that upset me. Here is a woman that I loved for 15yrs saying that she cares so little for me.

There is quite abit more to this story , the manipulative stuff with om son and my d13 that is also disturbing.

 

W makes so little money paying any amount would probably just make it harder on my kids. In my sep agreement I have stipulated that there be no overnight guests until married. Hopefully this would keep a potential rotation of boyfriends out of my kids lives ... At least for a little while. She is focused on this om now but who knows what the future will bring.

 

As for custody a 50/50 is what we have now and will probably be. W only redeeming quality is that she for the most part is a good mother. But I am monitoring her actions and behaviors too protect my kids. I think this is some sort of mlc phase she's going through ,so hopefully for kids sake she snaps out before they grow up.

 

I've seen this done before. Not enforcible. Bank on her moving him in ASAP

 

Sorry man

[Lowrider93]

By the time Other man's wife gets done with him she may own the beach house,

Hook up with her and you may be the one who is smiling.

I'll lay odds that her relationship with this other guy will in due time crash and burn. You should pack her bags and drop her off at om,s house.

 

Believe in karma, what goes around comes around, payback is a bitch!

 

You can be proud of the effort you put forth in providing for your family regardless of it not being enough for her.

[standtall]

Yep,,,she left for the money, attention, their kids connection,...no doubt. Throw her to the curb, get the meanest, nastiest lawyer you can find. The lawyer will not help you a whole lot when it comes to money, but he might help with child custody.

[Tonofbricks]

Yep,,,she left for the money, attention, their kids connection,...no doubt. Throw her to the curb, get the meanest, nastiest lawyer you can find. The lawyer will not help you a whole lot when it comes to money, but he might help with child custody.

 

Altesdy threw her to the curb.. But have to be careful that curb is where my kids are too. She landed at least temp at MIL house, back in her childhood bedroom. This is not what she or om had planned. The discoveries that I made kinda f'd up their plans. They wanted to keep it low key until all parties had split then casually move in together and profess their love had blossomed after all the turmoil. I discovered them txt's as early as February , before any talk of separating had started.

 

We live in s smallish community and word is getting out. My daughter had already been ridiculed about her mom "dating" her old BF's dad.. A relationship that went on for more than a year. Already being called stepbrotherlover.. Those kinds of things leave emotional scars on middle school aged kids forever. Don't know how my W could be so selfish and oblivious to the damage she's doing and has done.

[Lois_Griffin]

The beachfront oasis is a single wide trailer a mile from beach.

LMAO!!!!

 

THAT is hysterical.

 

Gosh, I can sure see why she's being 'lured' by his rich and famous lifestyle! I mean, come on! What woman doesn't dream of a SINGLE WIDE trailer a block from the beach? Hell, if she plays her cards right, she might even win the Miss Trailer Park 2017 crown next Spring!

 

The whole time I was writing this post, that show from a few years ago, "My Name is Earl" was on my mind.

 

I think you're VERY smart to divorce her. Very, very smart.

 

Maybe as a parting gift, you can buy her a couple cheap plastic pink flamingos she can put in the postage-stamp sized 'front yard' of her single-wide mansion by the sea.

 

:lmao::lmao:

[Tonofbricks]

LMAO!!!!

 

THAT is hysterical.

 

Gosh, I can sure see why she's being 'lured' by his rich and famous lifestyle! I mean, come on! What woman doesn't dream of a SINGLE WIDE trailer a block from the beach? Hell, if she plays her cards right, she might even win the Miss Trailer Park 2017 crown next Spring!

 

The whole time I was writing this post, that show from a few years ago, "My Name is Earl" was on my mind.

 

I think you're VERY smart to divorce her. Very, very smart.

 

Maybe as a parting gift, you can buy her a couple cheap plastic pink flamingos she can put in the postage-stamp sized 'front yard' of her single-wide mansion by the sea.

 

:lmao::lmao:

 

Some people will give up so much for so little in return.

Flamingos ... That's an idea... I'll buy them before so she pays half anyway...

[Bufo]

Besides the flamingos be sure to get her a cd (or cassette tape) of bad, sad country songs where the lament is that everything has gone wrong. She could play it while sitting on a half-broken folding lawn chair overlooking her pet flamingos and the beach one mile away.

 

And if you are feeling particularly flush with cash, stop by the building supply place and pick up a few cinder blocks for her car as sooner or later she'll need them. No matter how fancy her car is today.

 

Has she figured out yet that her having part time kids is part of the deal?

[standtall]

Altesdy threw her to the curb.. But have to be careful that curb is where my kids are too.

 

Who has the kids right now? Most courts in the US say that a spouse can do whatever they want, leave, join a cult, become a turnip, whatever... but the kids usually stay put..where they have roots and stability.

[Tonofbricks]

Who has the kids right now? Most courts in the US say that a spouse can do whatever they want, leave, join a cult, become a turnip, whatever... but the kids usually stay put..where they have roots and stability.

 

Right now while I'm waiting to get back into see my lawyer , we have a verbal agreement to split 50/50 week to week. Just went through our first cycle an went smoothly. Until the separation agreement is finished and signed I guess this will have to work.

 

As for some who have mentioned MWD and DBing , I found that site and books ... Good info and techniques work. I have nc with W .. Literally causes me to be sick , anxious and angry when she is around or talking to me. ... Txt are ok but only about kids. If we had no kids I would never see this woman again in my lifetime...but I'm not so lucky...

 

Om wife did tell me that my W brother cheated on his wife a few years back. I had been in this family for over 10yrs and no body told me / never knew....om wife said "everyone " knew ... Well my inlaws forgot to tel me...

What kind of home did you have to be raised in ... 2 kids unfaithful ... I know the odds on infidelity / divorce but parents are still married and appear happy.. Even raised W in church .. Very active in it... Vows are worthless to these people!

Edited August 1, 2016 by Tonofbricks
Fat thumbs and stupid auto finish

[standtall]

TOB, you sound like you have control of this and a solid plan. Heck, the way you're reacting is exactly how I would want myself to react to the same situation. Time and your positive attitude will correct your situation and help you move forward.