Husband doesn't want to reconcile

[Crazylady1981]

I'm new here but have been reading lots of different posts so was hoping somebody might have some advice or a similar experience to share.

 

About six weeks ago my husband of ten years (together for fifteen) and father of my three children told me he didn't love me anymore and that he was leaving as he didn't want us to end up hating each other. While I had known things weren't right between us for a while, every time I had brought it up with him he insisted he loved me and always would. I was devastated but a few days later managed to convince him to try counselling.

 

 

A few days later he told me it was definitely over and that there was no point in trying anything. A few days after this I found emails to another woman in which he referred to things happening between them at work. He then told me it was already over and that the other woman was staying with her husband but he still has feelings for her. He moved out immediately and is renting a house which he needs to decorate so that our children can stay with him

There.

I love this man with all of my heart, we have always said we are soul mates and the idea of not being with him is killing me saw he is my best friend. He has told me he never deserved me, he will never find anyone as good as me but although he loves me he is not in love with me. I have begged him to come home on two separate occasions, asked him to try counselling but he thinks there is no point.

He cries a lot when he talks about us with me and has even told his dad he felt suicidal.

My question is, should I give up on him (which will kill me inside) , give him more time or what?

[SevenCity]

Although it's not what you want to hear, yes you should give up. He broke your trust and was with someone else.

 

I'm sorry your going through this.

[Marc878]

He's probably been having an affair for awhile. If you do want to try and save the marriage you're only option at this time is full exposure. Him/her friends, family and work. I suspect you're probably the last one to know.

 

Exposure should be done without warning all at once let them deal with the fallout. Affair thrive in secret and in the dark.

 

Trying to nice him back will get you nowhere in this situation.

Edited July 30, 2016 by Marc878

[Crazylady1981]

Everyone does know about it. He has said it started as friendship etc but then he fell for her. We have had a very happy life together, just had baby number three around six months ago. I just think we could get through this if we worked on it together but can't understand why he doesn't want to?

[Lowrider93]

Hi Crazylady, sorry to hear about your situation, I too am going thru the same situation.

Anytime I hear the " I love u but am not "In" love with u" it makes me cringe,

I believe it dimminishes the meaning of love. It's a cop out in my view.

You essentially caught him with his pants down with this other woman and he

will have to live with any guilt for his infidelity, unless he's an uncaring pos.

 

Would you really want to be with someone who looks outside his marriage

to resolve HIS issues.

Focus on yourself and your children, they will always be there for you.

Get yourself a lawyer, with three children he,'ll be paying about 30% of his wages in child support and if you have been married 10+ years your also entitled

to some alimony too. There really is life after divorce.

 

One day at a time!

[Jeff1690]

Hey same boat here. Read my post Wife of 23 years for the details. I got the same love you but not in love. Then I took the advice from here and did some digging. Needless to say it was devastating. My wife did not admit her infidelity even after me giving her 3 damning pieces of evidence. Her response was to bring home uncontested divorce papers.

 

Counting the dating of 2 years and 23 years together we have been together almost half our lives, 47 years old. This was a woman that up until last year shared everything with me, well until the last year when she started her affair. Refused marriage counseling said no one could make her fall back in love with me. Of course as I was begging and in hindsight making myself look like a fool she had already given her heart to another.

 

I can almost guarantee from talking to others that reconciled with their cheating spouses it never leaves their mind every time the cheater leaves for a business trip our a night on the town with the guys or gals.

 

If my wife came to me on bent knees crying for forgiveness I will never take her back. I was a good husband, father and faithful. She destroyed my family my dreams and my belief and trust in her. I pray she and her lover end quickly after the divorce and her little fantasy world crashes around her. One son has already discovered the infidelity and I have asked him to remain silent so it does not ruin my cash buyout of the house and other agreed upon arrangements. He has promised to do so.

 

I am picking up the pieces and trying to wrap my mind around this. She has been cheating over a year and I have only found out about this 6 or 7 weeks ago. Take the advice I have been given here, look forward there are great guys and gals out there who would love to have a giving faithful spouse.

 

You just had your baby. Get back into shape if you have not already. Start looking beautiful and seductive. I recently had surgery for an ACL and have been down for months and gained 20 lbs. first time in my life I have had a gut. Down 14lbs. already now that I have been cleared to work out again.

 

My goal is to get back as much as possible to the shape I was in when I was a Marine. Won't get all the way back due to age and body changes. But by God when she sees me around town I am gonna make her think why the hell did I give up a great husband who looks like that. Statistics show most love affair relationships end. So when the fairy tale is over he will realize what he lost.

 

Then when he comes back and you are looking all pretty and awesome shape and happy you can smile and say tough **** buddy. I got men lining up at the door to date me. have a good life. I pray for this to happen so I can say it to my wife (well except I will be in awesome shape and it will be women lining up at the door lol).

Edited July 31, 2016 by Jeff1690

[Angelica21]

Yes, you should give up on him. I'm so sorry.

 

Follow through and get a divorce.

 

It will be very hard for everyone, but it's the right thing to do. Everyone will make it through the divorce process, it's just very tough.

 

Your husband doesn't love you any more. I'm so sorry. But a marriage can't continue in a healthy way when one spouse is not in love.

 

There is a song by Bonnie Raitt with a very sad and accurate point: "I can't make you love me if you don't. You can't make your heart feel something it won't."

[elaine567]

He told you he was moving out as he doesn't love you any more , you then find he has another woman, but he still moved out despite the fact the OW went back to her husband.

 

My guess he is so upset and crying because the other woman is gone and not because he is upset about his marriage or you finding out about his affair.

He had already resolved to go, before you found out.

 

I am very sorry but there is nothing to reconcile here.

[Crazylady1981]

You are much stronger than me Jeff! I just think we should try to fix things as we really loved each other and there are three young children involved

[CarrieT]

OP, you want to fix things never but you can't. He is in affair fog and already emotionally detached from you. Read about "The 180" and implement its step immediately.

 

The more begging and pleading you do to come back to you, the more it pushes him away.

[carhill]

I agree with Carrie - do the 180 and, since he's stated clearly that it's over, have him served this week and be sure the filing includes generous motions to reflect your currently caring for an infant and two other children.

 

IMO, his crying is from getting caught, not remorse. Also, unless you've verified with the spouse of his affair partner, do not believe the affair is over.

 

I'm mentioning the filing now because the longer you wait, the more he can drain marital assets without recourse. The filing stamps a date on such matters. I learned this, hmm, about 26 years ago as I watched, yeah, literally at the bank, a MW drain the ranch bank account of a mid 5 figure amount, no small change at that time, just because she could.

 

My SOP would be file, leave mediation and MC on the table as options, and move forward. His move. Up to you if you want to get into the machinations of the affair or not. If you do, start with the affair partner's spouse. That should get things moving.

[Lois_Griffin]

A few days after this I found emails to another woman in which he referred to things happening between them at work.

Of course you did. I knew it before I read that sentence.

 

Men don't usually leave. Not even if it's a rotten marriage. They stay right where they are because most are too cowardly to get up and do anything about it. They stay because they need a mommy to take care of them and want a family to come home to, and because the devil they DO know is definitely more desirable than the one they don't. So I fully expected to hear there was a woman involved.

 

Your husband is lying. His affair isn't over by a long shot. He doesn't want you knowing his business and he doesn't want you throwing a monkey wrench in his and the OW's plans for a future happily ever after. She's still home alright, but NOT because "they broke up," but probably because she's planning on leaving her husband on her own timeline when it's right for her.

 

But you'd be VERY mistaken to believe his affair is over.

 

Your FIRST order of business is to tell her husband. Immediately. There's nothing like a cold dose of ice water thrown on cheating cockroaches to send them scurrying. But the truth is, he deserves to know the TRUTH. Especially if she's squirreling away money and/or getting her ducks in a row and planning on putting the screws to this poor guy when she leaves. The right thing to do is TELL HIM. So do it.

I have begged him to come home on two separate occasions, asked him to try counselling but he thinks there is no point.

I implore you - STOP humiliating yourself. This is known as the "pick me" dance and its about as degrading as it gets. Don't EVER lower yourself to begging someone to love you. Ever. He already 'picked' you when he married you. But he broke the rules and disrespected you and deserted his children all to move into his own place because of his affair. Why WOULD you beg someone of this low moral character to come back to you?

He cries a lot when he talks about us with me and has even told his dad he felt suicidal.

Yeah, I'm sure he does - all while he's painting and decorating his new love nest "for his children" who he deserted. And while he waits for his OW to make her break.

My question is, should I give up on him (which will kill me inside) , give him more time or what?

Honestly?

 

I'd be at my lawyer's in the morning. Right now, he's still feeling a little guilty for leaving and he's digesting the overwhelming fact that he actually left his family for the OW. Now is the time I'd be drawing up the real property settlement papers because he'll be real amenable to signing them. A LOT more now than he'll be 6 months from now. That's a promise.

 

Those two things would be at the top of my priority list. But I'd take care of the legal/financial end FIRST before blowing the whistle on your husband and his side piece.

[Lois_Griffin]

Everyone does know about it. He has said it started as friendship etc but then he fell for her.

Let me guess.

 

That's what HE told you, that "everyone knows."

 

Let me guess some more. He also told you her husband knows about the affair as well, so you don't need to bother telling him. You know, because he already knows and all.

:rolleyes:

[Crazylady1981]

All our friends and family know About it because I told them. Her husband doesn't know and the ow is apparently having counselling herself to help her with her own infidelity (she has only been married for eighteen months! And this is the second time she has cheated).

He has said I can keep everything, money, house, car etc I have said I will take him off the mortgage in a few years when I can afford to buy him out.

I think I know deep down it is over but I just wish we had tried to save it instead it feels like he's just tossed everything we had in the bin without a second thought

[CarrieT]

I just wish we had tried to save it instead it feels like he's just tossed everything we had in the bin without a second thought

Because it is not a second thought for him... You are in the first throws of all this while I'm sure he has been thinking about it for years.

 

He has probably planned out his exit a dozen different ways but was too cowardly to go through with it until just now.

 

So in his mind, giving you everything is one of his ways of appeasing the guilt.

[elaine567]

He may be in full guilt mode at the moment, but once he talks to family and friends and even the OW, then his plans to walk away leaving you with "everything", may change significantly.

Get an attorney involved ASAP.

[Mr. Lucky]

Get an attorney involved ASAP.

 

Couldn't agree more. You don't need promises, you need terms of separation.

 

He has told me he never deserved me, he will never find anyone as good as me but although he loves me he is not in love with me.

 

Cheaters aren't bad people, they're just weak and they say these kinds of things to let you down gently. Applying the Loveshack translator, he's simply saying "I'm in love with someone else and leaving you for her".

 

Unfortunately, end of story...

 

Mr. Lucky

[turnera]

Everyone does know about it. He has said it started as friendship etc but then he fell for her. We have had a very happy life together, just had baby number three around six months ago. I just think we could get through this if we worked on it together but can't understand why he doesn't want to?

Please explain. Did YOU call his parents and siblings and tell them he was cheating on you? Did YOU call his best friends and cousins and aunts and uncles and tell them he was cheating on you? Did YOU call your own parents and tell them he was cheating on you? Have YOU called the woman's husband to tell him?

 

If not, you have not exposed. And exposure is the best way to get a cheating husband to stop.

[turnera]

Everyone does know about it. He has said it started as friendship etc but then he fell for her. We have had a very happy life together, just had baby number three around six months ago. I just think we could get through this if we worked on it together but can't understand why he doesn't want to?

 

Research about PEA chemicals. It's the 'high' you feel when you're first dating. He's feeling this with his affair [partner] and so he 'thinks' he's in love. Educate yourself.

Edited August 1, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language

[BluesPower]

These experienced posters are totally correct. Your husband is a liar, I will bet you 100 to 1 that he is still seeing her.

YOU HAVE TO TELL HER HUSBAND. WHY WOULD YOU EVER GIVE A **** ABOUT HER SITUATION, SHE I IS TAKING YOUR HUSBAND AND MARRIAGE FROM YOU.

I realize that you are reeling from the shock of it all. Get a lawyer and file now.

Look I wasted another 15 years of my life with a cheating spouse because I arrogantly thought that I could fix it and love her through it. What a fool I was. Don't be a fool.

[Redhead14]

Couldn't agree more. You don't need promises, you need terms of separation.

 

 

 

Cheaters aren't bad people, they're just weak and they say these kinds of things to let you down gently. Applying the Loveshack translator, he's simply saying "I'm in love with someone else and leaving you for her".

 

Unfortunately, end of story...

 

Mr. Lucky

Cheaters aren't bad people -- People who are weak, lie, sneak around, manipulate, use poor judgement, are selfish, can't control impulses, can't communicate with their spouses, have no moral compass, aren't bad people?????? Exactly what does define a bad person?

[Mr. Lucky]

Exactly what does define a bad person?

 

Guess I don't believe, with few exceptions, there are bad people. There's just humans, with the mixed bag, lapses and weaknesses we all present. Though those qualities can certainly cause us to do bad things, I try to hate the sin, not the sinner...

 

Mr. Lucky

[ladydesigner]

I would expose the A to the OW's H then file for D with your own lawyer. You can always stop a D. You can also remarry after a D. Do the 180 and start detaching! Then put all your energy and focus into YOU and those kids!

[Crazylady1981]

The only reason I have not told the ow's husband is that in the emails I read she was encouraging my husband to try counselling with me and to give it another go etc

[BluEyeL]

Hey same boat here. Read my post Wife of 23 years for the details. I got the same love you but not in love. Then I took the advice from here and did some digging. Needless to say it was devastating. My wife did not admit her infidelity even after me giving her 3 damning pieces of evidence. Her response was to bring home uncontested divorce papers.

 

Counting the dating of 2 years and 23 years together we have been together almost half our lives, 47 years old. This was a woman that up until last year shared everything with me, well until the last year when she started her affair. Refused marriage counseling said no one could make her fall back in love with me. Of course as I was begging and in hindsight making myself look like a fool she had already given her heart to another.

 

I can almost guarantee from talking to others that reconciled with their cheating spouses it never leaves their mind every time the cheater leaves for a business trip our a night on the town with the guys or gals.

 

If my wife came to me on bent knees crying for forgiveness I will never take her back. I was a good husband, father and faithful. She destroyed my family my dreams and my belief and trust in her. I pray she and her lover end quickly after the divorce and her little fantasy world crashes around her. One son has already discovered the infidelity and I have asked him to remain silent so it does not ruin my cash buyout of the house and other agreed upon arrangements. He has promised to do so.

 

I am picking up the pieces and trying to wrap my mind around this. She has been cheating over a year and I have only found out about this 6 or 7 weeks ago. Take the advice I have been given here, look forward there are great guys and gals out there who would love to have a giving faithful spouse.

 

You just had your baby. Get back into shape if you have not already. Start looking beautiful and seductive. I recently had surgery for an ACL and have been down for months and gained 20 lbs. first time in my life I have had a gut. Down 14lbs. already now that I have been cleared to work out again.

 

My goal is to get back as much as possible to the shape I was in when I was a Marine. Won't get all the way back due to age and body changes. But by God when she sees me around town I am gonna make her think why the hell did I give up a great husband who looks like that. Statistics show most love affair relationships end. So when the fairy tale is over he will realize what he lost.

 

Then when he comes back and you are looking all pretty and awesome shape and happy you can smile and say tough **** buddy. I got men lining up at the door to date me. have a good life. I pray for this to happen so I can say it to my wife (well except I will be in awesome shape and it will be women lining up at the door lol).

 

I've been in a similar situation, it was several years ago. I also made a fool of myself at the time of the heartbreak, and tried to reason and convince him not to throw away our life together.

 

The good news is that I did just what you recommended. I got in better shape, started dating and now he acts like he wants me back, keeps trying to talk to me on the phone, he's nervous when addressing me and finds ridiculous reasons to get in touch (last one, he needs a soup recipe lol--while I keep him at arm's length) and his mom keeps begging me to take him back. I'm getting remarried next year and I can't wait to spring the news of my remarriage on him. Can't wait! Not telling him I"m engaged because I'm afraid he'd start coming over and try to disrupt my life. But once I'm married, I can't wait to gloat, even if that makes me a bad person, I don't care. The tables have turned.

 

OP, don't be a fool, instead of begging him to stay tell him to get out and not let the door hit him in his arse! You can't convince him by crying and reasoning, you just humiliate yourself. It's over. Start grieving so you can put your life back together as soon as possible.