Former eating disorder sufferer, sister negative influence

[katie949]

I'm 22 and I've suffered from an eating disorder on-and-off (not diagnosed as anorexia, but I've underweight, once quite seriously- 4kg under- twice in the past 7 years. I've had therapy once.) I am currently a healthy weight (110lbs at 5"3).

 

Anyway, long story short, I find that certain types of people/situations are negative influences for my own self-perception and consciousness of my own diet. For example, people who are vary concerned about their calorie intake & diet/closely monitoring it tend to make me feel stressed: I can't help but compare my own diet, and feel guilty about my own food intake, and I (sometimes without meaning to) restrict my own calories more, lose my appetite etc....I'm much happier around people who are more relaxed about food; they may be slim and healthy, but they don't scrutinise or obsess.

 

Anyway, my younger sister used to be a little overweight, ate lots of junk and sweets, until she went to university and had a more 'normal' diet. She then lost some weight, and is now a healthy weight, but not super slim. She seems to me to be quite focused on her food, buying everything low calorie & zero fat, not eating foods she used to enjoy.....Hence, I feel quite anxious and unhappy at home, and avoid going home when she's there. I stayed in my university town over the Easter vacation (6 weeks) and avoided coming home this summer....I'm only home now because I'm broke!!

 

I've tried explaining my situation to my mum, but she is not very understanding and just yells at me. I just feel my sister is a negative influence on me and I'm already bad enough with my dietary habits and scrutiny - I don't need more of it thrown in my face at home.

 

How can I cope with this situation? I have to stay at home for another 3 weeks or so

[anika99]

Firstly, congratulations on the progress you have made in recovering from you eating disorder.

 

 

As for your sister making you uncomfortable and stressed with her eating habits, well you can't change or control how your sister eats or how anyone else eats for that matter. I think you need to emotionally or mentally separate yourself from other people and keep your focus on yourself. Decide that what is good for you might not be good for others and vice versa. If your current eating habits are good for you and you are healthy then there is no need to compare your diet to the diets of others.

 

 

When unpleasant feelings of guilt, stress or anxiety come up find healthy ways to relieve those feelings. Perhaps through mediation, taking a long walk or some physical activity that you find enjoyable, or lose yourself in a good book or call a friend. Conversely you could just let those unpleasant feelings pass through you while reminding yourself that they are just normal feelings and you don't have to act on them.

 

 

If you are early into your recovery and your sister is a huge trigger to you then maybe just avoid taking meals with her or even talking about food and dieting with her. As for your mom was she aware of your eating disorder? You say you were 4 kg underweight at one point, that's not good but that's also not seriously underweight. Being 10 pounds underweight would probably not even be noticed by a lot of people. I had problems with food when I was young too. A healthy weight for me at that time would have been about 110 - 115 LBS but the most I usually weighed was about between 100-105 LBS, so slightly underweight but most people thought I looked fantastic. It wasn't until my weight dropped to under 90 LBS that people started commenting that I was too thin. My point is that maybe your mom has always thought you were healthy and fine and so when you tell her you don't want to come home because of the way your sister eats that probably sounds silly to her and she's hurt that you don't want to visit. Keep the lines of communication open with her and do your best to explain your eating disorder. She may never fully understand but she might come around to supporting you.

[katie949]

Firstly, congratulations on the progress you have made in recovering from you eating disorder.

 

 

As for your sister making you uncomfortable and stressed with her eating habits, well you can't change or control how your sister eats or how anyone else eats for that matter. .

 

I understand that, but I can control what I do....and because I've noticed that being around my sister makes me feel anxious, guilty and stressed, I have avoided being home in the past 12 months. I find it hard to separate myself from others, because I naturally compare myself and everyone does this to an extent - we all evaluate our own success/level etc in relation to others, because no person lives alone on a desert island

 

But thanks so much for your reply

[anika99]

I understand that, but I can control what I do....and because I've noticed that being around my sister makes me feel anxious, guilty and stressed, I have avoided being home in the past 12 months. I find it hard to separate myself from others, because I naturally compare myself and everyone does this to an extent - we all evaluate our own success/level etc in relation to others, because no person lives alone on a desert island

 

But thanks so much for your reply

 

 

We don't all evaluate our success by comparison to others. I don't. I'm a lot older than you and I learned a long time ago not to do that because as long as we use other peoples achievements as a yardstick we will always feel like we don't measure up.

 

 

The point of my prior post is that while avoiding being home for the past 12 months may have been helping you, you are at home now and saying that you feel anxious, guilty and stressed, so I gave some suggestions on how to cope with those feelings.

[katie949]

We don't all evaluate our success by comparison to others. I don't. I'm a lot older than you and I learned a long time ago not to do that because as long as we use other peoples achievements as a yardstick we will always feel like we don't measure up.

 

 

The point of my prior post is that while avoiding being home for the past 12 months may have been helping you, you are at home now and saying that you feel anxious, guilty and stressed, so I gave some suggestions on how to cope with those feelings.

 

Possibly, although some people do, and unfortunately I am one of them. We only know where we are by comparison to others - how do we know we're short at 5ft3 if we don't also know that lots of other women are 5ft6, and that we're tall at 5ft10 when most other women are below this? (Just an analogy...)

 

I'm not saying, however, that obsessive comparison with others is healthy. All I can say is that my sister, who must only be eating around 800-900 calories a day, which is very low, definitely makes me want to eat far less, because that's what I always wanted to do with my eating disorder.

[ChickiePops]

That's on you, not your sister. You don't get to dictate other people's eating habits just because you used to have an eating disorder. She shouldn't have to change her eating habits and start eating junk again just to make you happy. I agree that she is not eating enough though..honestly it sounds like she's on the verge of her own eating disorder.

 

You should both be in therapy honestly. That's not an insult..anyone who had or has an eating disorder should be in therapy for a while to make sure they don't relapse.

[katie949]

That's on you, not your sister. You don't get to dictate other people's eating habits just because you used to have an eating disorder. She shouldn't have to change her eating habits and start eating junk again just to make you happy. I agree that she is not eating enough though..honestly it sounds like she's on the verge of her own eating disorder.

 

You should both be in therapy honestly. That's not an insult..anyone who had or has an eating disorder should be in therapy for a while to make sure they don't relapse.

 

I never said that anything was 'on' my sister, I just said that I do avoid people - sadly family included - if their behaviour impacts on me negatively. That doesn't mean I ask others to change their habits for me - I just change my own behaviour.