Would you ask?

[Bipolarlove]

My boyfriend told me two weeks ago that he cheated on me a few months ago. I had met her, probably after it had happened. He said it happened after he was drinking. I have been thinking about asking what all happened. How long they talked, what all they did. I am having a hard time letting it go. Should i ask or should i just leave it be? I am trying to keep my relationship unless he cant remain faithful from now on.

[marriedacheater]

Once you know the details, you can never un-know them. Chose wisely.

[BetrayedH]

My $.02

 

His willingness to share the details will speak volumes about having true remorse. Demonstrating true remorse, in my opinion, is what opens the door for forgiveness.

 

If he's made a voluntary confession, that says a lot (and the statistics back that up). Taking the next step and being willing to open himself fully to you would also say a lot.

 

In my experience, trying to sweep it under the rug simply fails. The betrayed partner doesn't know what they're being asked to forgive. They never forget. It's never really processed. Resentment builds. I don't think you can go around an affair, or under it, or over it.

 

Alternatively, I think if you can look at him, warts and all, and still find forgiveness, then you have a chance to actually go through it and come out the other side.

[Bipolarlove]

My $.02

 

His willingness to share the details will speak volumes about having true remorse. Demonstrating true remorse, in my opinion, is what opens the door for forgiveness.

 

If he's made a voluntary confession, that says a lot (and the statistics back that up). Taking the next step and being willing to open himself fully to you would also say a lot.

 

In my experience, trying to sweep it under the rug simply fails. The betrayed partner doesn't know what they're being asked to forgive. They never forget. It's never really processed. Resentment builds. I don't think you can go around an affair, or under it, or over it.

 

Alternatively, I think if you can look at him, warts and all, and still find forgiveness, then you have a chance to actually go through it and come out the other side.

 

I really appreciate the advice. This is really hard for me on my own

[BetrayedH]

I really appreciate the advice. This is really hard for me on my own

 

It is remarkably difficult and most of us really didn't expect it.

 

Personally, I do believe people can make mistakes (even horrendous ones) and still be redeemable. Just keep in mind that some really aren't redeemable. And you should run from those people. It may take a while before you really know what kind of wayward person you're dealing with.

 

The other side of the coin (besides having a truly remorseful wayward) is whether you can be a truly forgiving betrayed partner. Some have the capacity to forgive and some just don't. You may find that this is a dealbreaker for you, whether you like it or not. And I think that's fine, honestly.

 

But I think you really do need to know what you're being asked to forgive. And then you have the hadd work ahead of you of going through that test to see if you can do it. I've seen numerous couples here find their way through infidelity and manage to be happy that they did. Others are glad they didn't try. Some others wish they hadn't tried.

 

For most, I think it takes a long time to figure out. Is he worth that effort?

 

It might be good to read the thread pinned near the top of this forum, Things that every wayward spouse needs to know. It shows what true remorse looks like and you can start to decide if your man fits the bill. If so (and if you think you might eventually have the capacity to forgive), then perhaps it's worth the effort.

 

Others may advise you that, if this is just a boyfriend and there's no children involved, you should just cut your losses and find a better partner. It's a compelling argument. It keeps your self-respect intact and sends a clear message about your boundaries for acceptable behavior. But the reality is that there's no guarantee with that "better partner" that I mentioned either.

 

Take your time. Be introspective. Expect him to do the same.

 

Good luck. And welcome to the club that no one wanted to join. You're in good company.

[understand50]

My boyfriend told me two weeks ago that he cheated on me a few months ago. I had met her, probably after it had happened. He said it happened after he was drinking. I have been thinking about asking what all happened. How long they talked, what all they did. I am having a hard time letting it go. Should i ask or should i just leave it be? I am trying to keep my relationship unless he cant remain faithful from now on.

 

Ok, My Girlfriend cheated on me, I forgave and we did reconciled. We have had 40 plus years of marriage. Having said that, she showed real remorse, and worked hard to make it up to me. Going forward, your Boyfriend has a huge job to convince you that he is a good and decent man and worthy of you as a wife and mother of his children. Giving you, the information, you decide you need, is a first test for him. Look upon this as a first test of his remorselessness, and see if he can pass. If he gaslights, you keeps things out, or the story just does not sound right, call him on it. He probably bedded her because she said yes, and thought he could get away with it, or he does not see you as real girlfriend worthy of the respect, of a committed relationship. In his mind he may still be single.

 

In the end it is up to you, on what you need to get over this. For myself, I would ask, and would want to know. How can you forgive, if you do not know what you are forgiving?

 

I wish you luck.

[road]

Bad sign is that post cheating he has not gone NC with the OW.

[standtall]

How long have you been dating and do you live with him? Engaged?

[Lois_Griffin]

Is this the guy you're homeless with right now? The one whose mother pitched a tent for you two in her yard because you have nowhere to stay and she didn't want you in her house?

 

Is this the same prince?

 

For the love of God, go home to your family and stop allowing this loser to drag you through the dregs.

[ShatteredLady]

I say this very gently. I've looked back over your posts since December & it's really worrying. Can you answer a few questions?

 

Where are your family? Is this part of your depression & problems?

 

Are you back on contraception? PLEASE stop trying to have a baby. At least wait until you've had a secure home, job, faithful bf etc for a couple of years.

 

I promise that I'm speaking from concern & im not in anyway being mean. You're with a man who has been distant, who would rather go out to get stoned than be with you. A man who stole money TWICE to your knowledge AND his mum says that all his ex gf's stole from her!!!!

 

Drugs (even legal pot) & stolen money on many occasions REALLY worries me!

 

Does he work?

 

I KNOW that you're asking about infidelity & details but you've got much bigger issues than this!!

 

When he was cheating he changed towards you. You didn't know why yet but your instincts were SCREAMING!! You were having suicidal thoughts & a depressive break. He STILL made you feel crazy for being jealous & clingy! You were right to be though weren't you??

 

I know that you have some problems but you are selling yourself so short. My besty growing up had lots in common with you including body type & depression issues. She got over all of it!! I know you don't feel young at 21 & you've had a tough life BUT you ARE VERY YOUNG!

 

It won't get better through his honesty...I don't think you'll ever really get all of that! You need to work, study, find the strong independent woman that you COULD grow to be. Sadly for your head at the moment...I think you need to do that alone. For now.

Edited July 31, 2016 by ShatteredLady