Am i on the road to an affair...? In love with a married co-worker....

[shruti789]

Hi

 

I am a single woman in my early 30's.. it took me a lot of courage to post this here.. I have been reading other threads too.

 

I work with around 80 people. There is one guy in my section who is also in his early 30's.. Married, one kid under 2 years...

 

I am posting this in this forum because i think people here will be best suited to understand the affair signs,his intentions etc

 

We have been working together for 4 years, In the beginning of this year, we started talking more and i realized i am in love with him....

 

As far as i can see, the reasons i fell for him are

 

*He listens well and responds no matter what topic i talk about

*He is helpful to me - if i want to go buy something and if he is going out at lunch time he will bring it for me

* He is very good at making me laugh

* His looks

* We have the same interests

 

so i have been giving it time hoping this feeling is just a crush and it will go away..... 7 months and it's growing...not fading...

 

I don't know if he is attracted to me or not.... but

 

He says I am beautiful..

 

He says I am a special FRIEND.

 

He stares at me sometimes and will smile when i catch him staring.

 

He has indicated that his wife and him are not having much sex.

 

He chats with me after work hours on Whatsapp.

 

If i am angry with him (for some silly reason like he did not bring me the book he said he will bring) he will send messages saying please forgive me,are you still angry etc and will keep lingering about trying to talk.

 

He said he wants to be my friend forever.

 

He takes my photos while we are working and will show me later (Happened 3 times)

 

Once he said he will not cheat on his wife (We were chatting about a friend who cheated, but it sounded like he was trying to convince himself)

 

He talks about how he has to do cooking and housework because his wife doesn't and she earns more than him so there seems to be a problem there too..

 

 

My friends think he has feelings for me by observing the way he smiles with me, talks with me etc

 

So what i am asking is....

 

1) I know nobody can read his mind, but from what i described, do you think he is attracted to me...?

 

2) What Do i do? do i let him know that I am in love with him?

My heart says go for it, my mind says don't destroy a marriage... I do want to do the right thing, even though i am struggling with my feelings for him. He asked if i have feelings for him, i said no...

 

I know there is no chance or a very tiny chance of him leaving his wife and us getting a happily ever after, i don't even know if he likes me... but i can't stop hoping and dreaming about him leaving his wife... i know it's stupid...

 

 

3) I honestly think that if he wants an affair, i will fall in to it.... and i do know that that will bring a lot of drama and heartache to all 3 of us... is there a way i can fall out of love...?

 

I guess what i am saying is i have fallen for a married man, it is confusing because i don't know what to do and this is a cry for help.... is he attracted too... will we have an affair... i do want to be close to him even if it's an affair.... you know....better to have loved and lost than not loving at all and all that but on the other hand it's not the right thing to do..... this struggle is making me restless...

 

 

Thank you...

[Arieswoman]

shruti789,

You need to get a grip on this NOW.

 

You say;

 

I don't know if he is attracted to me or not....

 

So you need to snap out of this dangerous fantasy.

 

Your scenario ( minus the < 2 y.o. child ) is a replay of how my exH's affair started with a co-worker.

 

This

He has indicated that his wife and him are not having much sex.

 

is to get the sympathy vote from you, and is most probably a downright lie.

 

He talks about how he has to do cooking and housework because his wife doesn't and she earns more than him so there seems to be a problem there too..

 

Why is that a problem? If she has a high-powered job and is the main breadwinner, why should she have to cook and clean as well? They have a young child as well, which is very demanding.

And why is he telling you his marital problems? Surely he should be discussing this with his wife? What does this tell you about his lack of boundaries?

 

You should start thinking that maybe the one with the problem is the guy you want an affair with and not his wife.

 

Have a read of all the stories from OWs on this forum and ask yourself if you really, really want to go there. And, please, please, don't try and convince yourself that it's going to be different with you - it won't.

[not-so-sure]

Just don't. I can't be as simple in giving advice here. It's the same situation I had and it felt amazing until it hollowed out my soul.

 

You might be aching now but this is nothing to what you'll feel if you're crazy enough to act on this and it all blows up.

[ChickiePops]

Yup, you are. Get off the road. Immediately. Nothing good will come of this. Start looking for a new job.

[Poppy47]

You are a colleague. He is telling you intimate details of his marriage?

 

You are not a SPECIAL FRIEND yet. If you continue, you will be his friend with benefits.

 

Read here and you will realise you are not unique, neither is he.

 

Stop all the nonsense or you will be in over your head before you know it. It's very difficult to climb out of a **** hole once you are in it.

 

You should listen to the community here and thank God you have people with experience to learn from.

 

Poppy.

[Marc878]

You are already in an EA with him. Read up what an emotional affair is.

 

In your mind the fairy tale is all good. In the reality you'll waste your life on this when you could be finding someone you have a future with.

 

If you were married would you accept your husband having a relationship like this with a coworker?

 

You are setting yourself up. If you're smart you'll get away from this. Picture yourself having to face his wife and child as the home wrecker in this.

 

That unfortunately is your future if you continue down this path.

[Poppy47]

You are already in an EA with him. Read up what an emotional affair is.

 

In your mind the fairy tale is all good. In the reality you'll waste your life on this when you could be finding someone you have a future with.

 

If you were married would you accept your husband having a relationship like this with a coworker?

 

You are setting yourself up. If you're smart you'll get away from this. Picture yourself having to face his wife and child as the home wrecker in this.

 

That unfortunately is your future if you continue down this path.

 

Umm or losing your job????

[imperfectangel]

Run away as fast as you can

[shruti789]

shruti789,

You need to get a grip on this NOW.

 

You say;

 

 

 

So you need to snap out of this dangerous fantasy.

 

Your scenario ( minus the < 2 y.o. child ) is a replay of how my exH's affair started with a co-worker.

 

This

 

is to get the sympathy vote from you, and is most probably a downright lie.

 

 

 

Why is that a problem? If she has a high-powered job and is the main breadwinner, why should she have to cook and clean as well? They have a young child as well, which is very demanding.

And why is he telling you his marital problems? Surely he should be discussing this with his wife? What does this tell you about his lack of boundaries?

 

You should start thinking that maybe the one with the problem is the guy you want an affair with and not his wife.

 

Have a read of all the stories from OWs on this forum and ask yourself if you really, really want to go there. And, please, please, don't try and convince yourself that it's going to be different with you - it won't.

 

 

I am trying hard to get a grip, but every time i see him i get more attracted...

 

he is always on whatsapp/facebook/twitter after going home, so i think the not having much sex part is true........

 

from what he says i feel that the wife is not giving him attention or respect...

[Marc878]

I am trying hard to get a grip, but every time i see him i get more attracted...

 

he is always on whatsapp/facebook/twitter after going home, so i think the not having much sex part is true........

 

from what he says i feel that the wife is not giving him attention or respect...

 

That's their problem not yours. Try harder to get a grip on this.

[shruti789]

You are already in an EA with him. Read up what an emotional affair is.

 

In your mind the fairy tale is all good. In the reality you'll waste your life on this when you could be finding someone you have a future with.

 

If you were married would you accept your husband having a relationship like this with a coworker?

 

 

 

can you/anyone please provide a link to read up on emotional affairs? i have read a few pages on various web sites and it's making me confused.some say chatting is fine, some say chatting is an emotional affair etc

 

no, if i was married, i would not like my husband to have what he is having with me..... and yet, he seems to think that it is ok for us to have what we have despite him being married......

[shruti789]

The pain of loving someone i cant have in my life is tearing me apart. this is the 1st time i have fallen for a married man.....and the uncertainty of what i shall do is making me very confused... is there a way to fall out of love?

 

 

is he aware that he is crossing boundaries or is he innocent?

[Poppy47]

He konws what he is doing for sure.

 

You have no idea what his marriage is really like. People can have sex anywhere anytime. How on earth would you judge that?

 

Please get a grip on reality. He should not be chatting to you anywhere after work.

 

Poppy.

[Marc878]

Most EA's can start off innocent enough. Read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass

 

Emotional affairs are secretive, hidden, often air complaints of the marriage, etc.

Do you think he'd share his conversations, texts or emails with his wife?

 

All it takes at this point is some alone time and it turns to a physical affair. You've both already thought of that.

 

Affairs are addictions. You go around the source it feeds your high. It's and endless cycle. The only way to stop it is complete no contact.

 

You're in so deep now your mind is cloudy and you can't think or bear the thought of not seeing or talking to him.

 

You should be getting the picture now.

[Marc878]

Your situation is very typical. Read up. There's nothing special about it.

 

It is in your hands. Affairs are decisions made consciously and willingly. There's no mistake involved.

 

You already know this. That's why you're here.

[elaine567]

You think you are in a relationship and that in the best case scenario you can perhaps steal him away from his wife as that is what happens in the single world. You meet someone who is attached, they break it off with their SO, and you continue off into the sunset with them..

 

The problem here is that he is married and that usually a different ball game all together.

Here is a married guy, who has a wife at home who maybe is too tired for sex seeing as she works and has a toddler, he is maybe just bored with sex with his wife, he is maybe having great sex at home but sees you as an opportunity to get some extra, maybe he is a guy who is a serial cheater/player who knows?

BUT the chances are that whatever the circumstances, he is not likely to leave his marriage for you.

YOU are looking to be the OW at best and a FWB at worst.

Men rarely see the OW as marriage and relationship material, they hypocritically often see them as the devious woman who is willing to let him cheat on his innocent wife, so who would want to marry that?

The dirty secret, the bit of fun on the side...

Don't let your ego fool you that you are some great prize and he will ditch everything for you, that rarely happens especially with a child involved.

Would you really want a man who runs out out on his child for a bit of sex, anyway...?

Is this really all that you think you deserve?

[Friskyone4u]

An EA is any relationship where someone in a committed relationship is sharing personal information that they would NOT WANT their spouse to find out about. You do not need to dos a lot of research on that one. YOU ARE ALREADY IN AN EA, and you are about to take it physical if you get the opportunity.

 

So I suggest you read here about all the misery that women are going through here who get involved with married men. Just to name a few

(1) your chances of him leaving his wife, if you read the literature, are very slim.

(2) men enter affairs for sex honey, not emotional needs like women USUALLY find before the sex starts

(3) you will spend your Holidays and birthdays HOPING for him to get a little time to come to have sex with you

(4) you will sacrifice your ability to have normal romantic relationships with eligible men because you will be pining for the OM. And if you do start to date someone, you will begin that relationship probably lying to new man because you are having sex with OM on the sly. You can guess how that will end when you start a new relationship actively cheating.,

(5) if your job find out, you may lose your job or ruin your chances of advancement

(6) when his wife finds out, which happens in the overwhelming number of cases, you will destroy a family and probably be dumped in a heartbeat.

 

Now, if all of that sounds great to you, proceed full speed ahead, as I am sure you will be able to entice him into your pants. Now, if you are A SMART WOMAN, YOU WILL PUT YOUR HORMONES IN CHECK AND CUT THIS OFF IMMEDIATELY, INCLUDING ATT THE WHATS APP AND SNAPCHAT, and go out and find your self an eligible man.

 

And you might try IC to find out why you have fallen in "love" ( sorry not buying that) with a man you see only at work right now. Unfortunately, it seems that women who post things similar with what you have will ignore all of the advice and think they will wind up different.

 

Hope that does not happen to you.

[Darren Steez]

he is always on whatsapp/facebook/twitter after going home, so i think the not having much sex part is true........

 

.

 

Thought he was at home busy taking care of the kids, dinner, the house etc..

 

besides the time for sex would be late at night when the kids are in bed...

[darkmoon]

if his marriage is so bad, then he will leave

 

do not be a sidepiece, it will get you nowhere, you live a half-life

 

be friends, be classy, just no sex till any divorce is final

[Arieswoman]

shruti789,

When I was the same age as you and just divorced and dating I was chatted up/hit on by a lot of married men, and here's some of the lines they used;

 

I wish I would have met you first because I never would have married her.

 

I haven't divorced her because of the children/because I don't want to lose the house I paid for/ because we have her elderly mother living with us and the stress would kill her.

 

She's an alchoholic/a nasty person/she mistreats me/ she's got mental health issues/a fruit loop/denies me sex/she care more about the kids than me/ she just treats me as a wage packet..

 

I'm in the process of a divorce, but it's stalled because of small technicalities / she's holding out because she wants to stay together/she won't agree to a settlement/she won't sign the papers.

 

I don't love her anymore and I don't think I ever did. - maybe we got married too young/I only married her because she got pregnant.

 

We don't sleep together and haven't for a very long time.

 

It's a marriage in name only/she has a boyfriend/we lead separate lives/she's given me permission to have an affair/she doesn't care what I do

 

 

 

Any of this sound familiar?

 

Don't fall for it.

[BuddyX]

Oldest line in the book "My wife doesn't understand me."

 

Second line, " Trust me I'm not like all the other guys who cheat on their wives, I'm different.

[Grey Cloud]

I am trying hard to get a grip, but every time i see him i get more attracted...

 

he is always on whatsapp/facebook/twitter after going home, so i think the not having much sex part is true........

 

 

Of course he is still having sex with his wife and most likely enjoying it!!! Maybe he isn't getting as much as he would like with a small child but guaranteed it is still happening. I never forget my xMM telling me one time about having sex with his wife on a certain day but I thought you had people over and they stayed late? And he said we did it during the day when the kids (young) were having a nap.

 

Your co-worker and his wife could be doing it first thing in the morning, late at night, when their kid naps during the day, on the weekends etc etc. You are not part of their home life so how would you know for sure what the deal is?!

 

Sorry but I was naive as well. And my xMM was still having sex. I had no idea how regular it was even if he alluded to the fact it wasn't that often.

 

Just trying to open your eyes. You are believing what you want to hear.

[dubliner]

Sounds much like the twisted bs my exH told his AP while I was busting my butt trying to make my M work. Some men are just selfish, it's all about them, what they need and your MM may genuinely believe that his W isn't fulfilling his needs, his self entitled attitude then gives him justification for having an A.

 

The question isn't who he is or what he feels entitled to but how you feel about YOU and what you want for yourself.

Do you want to disrespect yourself and allow yourself to be used by MM to get his needs met, when and only when he allows it? Do you want to be a secret dropped and denied when it doesn't sit well with him? Do you not want a relationship where you can rely on your partner to have your back, meet you in public, plan a future?

 

What you feel now is a temporary high, it looks like easy pickings, the guy likes you, you're attracted to him, you get that itch scratched, with short term sight it all looks blissful, but you're getting emotionally invested in a fantasy, a dead end and if you read only a few stories on here you will see that the high has a miserable self destructive counter low.

 

Take control of yourself back into reality, who do you want to be, the you looking back at yourself in 10 years time, the you that others see, have respect for yourself as someone who deserves and demands more than stolen cheap fantasy love that burns a hole in you. Block him on all media, yes it sounds tough, giving up something you want, something that gives you that little bit of joy and butterflies, but look at the cost of that hedonistic path, you can chose to walk away from this.

[shruti789]

Oldest line in the book "My wife doesn't understand me."

 

Second line, " Trust me I'm not like all the other guys who cheat on their wives, I'm different.

 

 

OMG! so that's why he said he does not want to cheat... to make me feel he is different....

[shruti789]

He did not tell me directly that he is not having sex with her... he told me indirectly.... and i did not think that he is not having sex at all with her.... i know they must be having sex... but from what i heard, i felt he is not getting it as much as he likes.

 

 

 

I am not concerned about him having sex with her.., after all we are not having an affair (physical)

 

but i do feel like we are having an EA after reading many threads and replies to this thread...