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Am i on the road to an affair...? In love with a married co-worker....

shruti789

By shruti789,
in The Other Man / Woman

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MidnightBlue1980

MidnightBlue1980

Posted
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Listen Midnight,

 

I am 69 and even I know Whats App and Facebook Messenger. LOL

 

POppy.

 

I do have Facebook Messenger. LOL. I never go overseas so I don't have a need for Whats App. Someone told me about Vault where people follow your life and guess about your next move - will Poppy eat a Turkey sandwich or a salad? I think your camera phone records it. Its big with kids. You can also hide things in it. I admit I cannot visualize how an app does two very different things.

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beatcuff

beatcuff

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no one knows for sure if he even wants an affair. we just suspect it right? so i dont want to accuse him

 

thank you. as a person that was on the receiving end of an (one-sided) EA, why are we 'going nuclear'. he might just be friendly.

 

ok, the fact your girlfriends noticed is --- damning. i suggest a cooling. if he texts instead of replying in minutes do so in hours. and ignore the 'i'm sick' text entirely.

 

better tell him 'you are such a great guy you must have SINGLE friends like you that you can introduce me too'. if he is a 'friend' he will (you win: a boyfriend and he is still a friend) and if (as most suspect) he says 'no i want you'. you can reply 'i do not date married men and never intent too'.

 

what i do agree with most, although will state it differently: at your age why waste your energy on someone that is married with a young child.

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Adoraxx

Adoraxx

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I do have Facebook Messenger. LOL. I never go overseas so I don't have a need for Whats App. Someone told me about Vault where people follow your life and guess about your next move - will Poppy eat a Turkey sandwich or a salad? I think your camera phone records it. Its big with kids. You can also hide things in it. I admit I cannot visualize how an app does two very different things.

 

I think Poppy will have a turkey sandwich AND a salad AND a nice dessert because she deserves it ;):love: , I have never heard of Vault btw but I'm going to look it up

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Adoraxx

Adoraxx

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thank you. as a person that was on the receiving end of an (one-sided) EA, why are we 'going nuclear'. he might just be friendly.

 

ok, the fact your girlfriends noticed is --- damning. i suggest a cooling. if he texts instead of replying in minutes do so in hours. and ignore the 'i'm sick' text entirely.

better tell him 'you are such a great guy you must have SINGLE friends like you that you can introduce me too'. if he is a 'friend' he will (you win: a boyfriend and he is still a friend) and if (as most suspect) he says 'no i want you'. you can reply 'i do not date married men and never intent too'.

 

what i do agree with most, although will state it differently: at your age why waste your energy on someone that is married with a young child.

 

That's a great idea!!

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heartwhole

heartwhole

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I've skimmed through the thread, and I want to say that it's great that you are saving yourself (and others) a lot of unnecessary heartache and drama. It takes a lot of self-awareness to recognize that you craved the attention and that you kind of just wanted to know if you could bag him. It's also a good sign that you were able to figure out that his interest in you does not mean you have much of a chance (if any) of winding up together long-term.

 

I encourage you to keep working on yourself as you disengage from him. Do you think there are self-esteem issues that made this seem attractive? What can you do to develop more empathy for others? What kind of boundaries do you want to have in place around committed men in the future? (The idea is not that you have to be the guardian of other people's marriages, but that affairs with attached men rarely end well, so you are first and foremost loving and respecting yourself by avoiding this kind of situation in the future.)

 

As for blocking him on FB or WhatsApp, I think it's more important that you look out for yourself than that you adhere to social graces. So what if people say, "Did you see such and such picture?" You can always say, "Oh, I must have missed it. I haven't been on FB much." You could also say to him, "I don't feel comfortable chatting so much with a married guy." Only you know how strong you'll be when he attempts to reel you back into giving him ego boosts. I'd personally just block him so you don't have to worry about it. Who cares if he's offended? He's the guy fishing for an affair just so he can use you for excitement and then dump you when his wife finds out.

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MidnightBlue1980

MidnightBlue1980

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As for blocking him on FB or WhatsApp, I think it's more important that you look out for yourself than that you adhere to social graces. So what if people say, "Did you see such and such picture?" You can always say, "Oh, I must have missed it. I haven't been on FB much." You could also say to him, "I don't feel comfortable chatting so much with a married guy." Only you know how strong you'll be when he attempts to reel you back into giving him ego boosts. I'd personally just block him so you don't have to worry about it. Who cares if he's offended? He's the guy fishing for an affair just so he can use you for excitement and then dump you when his wife finds out.

 

IMHO, saying I can't block him because people will know is an excuse to avoid blocking him. I am FB friends with most of the people in our group and not only am I not friends with xMM, I have him and his W blocked. Not one person is even aware - not even xMM himself. Or if anyone is, no one cares at all. I have over 400 "friends" as I use it for business and I see people who have thousands of "friends". Absolutely no one is looking through your friends list and if they do ask you, just say you have not been on FB much, too busy.

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Lobe

Lobe

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I am trying hard to get a grip, but every time i see him i get more attracted...

 

he is always on whatsapp/facebook/twitter after going home, so i think the not having much sex part is true........

 

from what he says i feel that the wife is not giving him attention or respect...

 

Lies lies lies.

 

Block him. Tell him to stop contacting you. Call his wife.

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Lobe

Lobe

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Has he ever invited you home to meet his wife?

 

never........

 

This is a HUGE RED FLAG. My WH said he didn't introduce us because he knew that it would be harder for him to talk to her (read: lie to her about me and the state of our marriage) if she and I became friends.

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loveisanaction

loveisanaction

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Let me ask you this? Do you think it’s flattering that a married man is flirting with you? When did it become an ego boost that if a married man is flirting with us with the intent of getting into our pants then it must mean that we are irresistible? Any married man who is flirting with you thinks he has a chance to sleep with you. You should not feel flattered by that you should feel insulted.

 

This is what some of us women do. A man is married, he has children, he flirts with us, he tells us how beautiful we are, how attracted he is to us and how he can’t stay away from us; how his wife doesn’t understand him anymore and isn’t sleeping with him anymore, how they’re just roommates, and how he’s miserable in his marriage. We then start dreaming, hoping, waiting, and imagining life with this man…this man who still belongs to another woman. We believe every word coming out of his lying mouth even though he has made absolutely no plans to leave his wife. So, we sleep with him...

 

If you do decide to continue contacting this man; once he has gotten what he wants from you, please don’t trash him, don't call him all kinds of names. Because you knew that he was married, you knew that he had a wife and kid at home and you were warned to stay away from him. You ignored all three.

 

So, if this guy sleeps with you and remains married. Accept that this man believed that he could get you into bed whilst he was still married and proved it to himself by doing so.

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ChickiePops

ChickiePops

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Shruti, why would you even consider this? Why don't you have enough self confidence to know that you're better than this? To purposely want to be someone's side dish when you could be the main course. Why are you willing to accept table scraps from a married man?

 

Don't you think you're better than this?

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Ronnie33

Ronnie33

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You are turned on now by the the thought of him and the excitement. In your mind you are already fantasizing what it will be like to be with him and trust me, the sex will probably be great because it always is in an affair, but after you have the best sex of your life with him and he goes home to his wife and happy life, you'll be alone crying and that's how it will go everytime. Get ready to enter the next phase of your life called "welcome to hell"

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Savannah2

Savannah2

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Want a glimpse into what your life will be like if you get involved with this man? Let me paint a picture..

 

The last three days we have been physically intimate and spent almost the entire day together. ..Laughing, having a great time. Guess what? None of it matters because he's leaving tonight to spend the rest of the week with his wife at the beach.

 

I have lost many friends at work because they all suspect something and have no respect for me.

 

This has been going on four years and it never gets easier. Don't let this be you. Want more for yourself.

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shruti789

shruti789

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so... i told him that i think our "friendship" has crossed some boundaries and that we need to cool off the chatting... he said "I don't have any other motives, you are just a friend, i will never cheat on my wife" I was so embarrassed, i still am.... i felt like i accused a person without proper evidence....

 

 

 

His actions (which i have listed in the 1st post) say he is attracted, his words say he isn't...

 

now what do i do....?

 

btw, he does say that he chats only with me. what's going on..?

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CarrieT

CarrieT

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he said "I don't have any other motives, you are just a friend, i will never cheat on my wife" I was so embarrassed, i still am.... i felt like i accused a person without proper evidence....

Would he show all your chats to his wife?!?

 

btw, he does say that he chats only with me.

Until the next woman comes along...

 

now what do i do....?

Ask to meet his wife and bring your friendship out in the open. If it is as innocent as he says, he will have no problem inviting you over to his house for a family BBQ or something.

 

99.99% chance he wants to keep you a secret which implies his true motives.

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Lobe

Lobe

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Would he show all your chats to his wife?!?

 

 

Until the next woman comes along...

 

 

Ask to meet his wife and bring your friendship out in the open. If it is as innocent as he says, he will have no problem inviting you over to his house for a family BBQ or something.

 

99.99% chance he wants to keep you a secret which implies his true motives.

 

All. Of. This. My husband kept his OW a secret from Day One. He would NOT have shown me the messages they were sending because even in the early stages when they were just "getting to know each other" they were talking about things that were inappropriate, like his married sex life. Married men do not talk to other women about how bad their sex life is unless they think it's going to improve by doing so. This guy? He's covering his ass because you called him out. Stop talking to him until and unless you meet his wife.

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MidnightBlue1980

MidnightBlue1980

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so... i told him that i think our "friendship" has crossed some boundaries and that we need to cool off the chatting... he said "I don't have any other motives, you are just a friend, i will never cheat on my wife" I was so embarrassed, i still am.... i felt like i accused a person without proper evidence....

 

 

 

His actions (which i have listed in the 1st post) say he is attracted, his words say he isn't...

 

now what do i do....?

 

btw, he does say that he chats only with me. what's going on..?

 

Good and bad, actions speak louder than words. He is either lying to you or lying to himself. Do not be embarrassed, HE should be embarrassed. And of course he was, so he twisted it around on you.

 

It works the other way too, these guys say I love you, I would leave her if it wasn't for (fill in the blank - money, kids, God, family, her terminal illness). That is what is coming for you if you don't stop this. It only gets worse.

 

What do you do? Show him in your actions that you have no interest in wasting time with a married man, then do it. Ignore him. Trust me - tis better to ignore than be ignored. Ask anyone here.

 

I got to ignore him this week and it feels great! :-D

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whichwayisup

whichwayisup

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so... i told him that i think our "friendship" has crossed some boundaries and that we need to cool off the chatting... he said "I don't have any other motives, you are just a friend, i will never cheat on my wife" I was so embarrassed, i still am.... i felt like i accused a person without proper evidence....

 

 

 

His actions (which i have listed in the 1st post) say he is attracted, his words say he isn't...

 

now what do i do....?

 

btw, he does say that he chats only with me. what's going on..?

 

He's playing you (selfishly) he loves the ego feed and loves that you're into him. OF COURSE he's going to keep you on a string...Unless you cut the string and walk away. Why? Because it's best for YOU. Who cares that apparently (bullcrap) you're the only one he chats with.

 

Find a single guy to bond with, not a married guy. If you were married I doubt very much you'd like your husband bonding and chatting with a single woman behind your back.

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dubliner

dubliner

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so... i told him that i think our "friendship" has crossed some boundaries and that we need to cool off the chatting... he said "I don't have any other motives, you are just a friend, i will never cheat on my wife" I was so embarrassed, i still am.... i felt like i accused a person without proper evidence....

 

 

 

His actions (which i have listed in the 1st post) say he is attracted, his words say he isn't...

 

now what do i do....?

 

btw, he does say that he chats only with me. what's going on..?

 

You have nothing to be embarrassed about, it was YOUR boundaries that were being compromised, he is responsible for his own. Even if he thinks it's appropriate to get so chummy with a female work colleague it doesn't mean YOU have to think it is or that you are wrong in saying no, let's stop this.

The fact you are on here questioning his motives means that he is overstepping the mark to some degree, consciously you think it's fine, subconsciously your gut is asking the questions.

Listen to your gut, your subconscious protector. Look at his actions, they are the truth, he can say anything he likes to trivialise or deflect the truth, what he does shows you who he really is.

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dubliner

dubliner

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And what do you do?

You have faith in yourself that you can see the red flags, you have the right to say 'this isn't ok with me' and match your actions with your words.

Cool it off.

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winny

winny

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Whats there to be embarrassed?

You have made your stand clear. Now cool off the chatting.

And yeah you can even ask to meet his wife.

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Lobe

Lobe

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tis better to ignore than be ignored. Ask anyone here

 

I think I just found my next custom t-shirt saying

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Sabella

Sabella

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Don't at all be embarrassed. He should be embarrassed as he has already started dragging you into an emotional affair. There's no way in hell he would ever wilingly show his wife all your chats about his sex life etc. OFC he is going to pretend to be looking for an innocent friendship. Don't buy what he is selling. Keep separating yourself from him. I'm sure he's hoping you feel embarrassed and then open up to him more. Don't fall for it.

 

If it was so innocent, he would be thrilled for you to meet his wife and have you show her all your "communications." I would suggest you offer that, lol.

 

so... i told him that i think our "friendship" has crossed some boundaries and that we need to cool off the chatting... he said "I don't have any other motives, you are just a friend, i will never cheat on my wife" I was so embarrassed, i still am.... i felt like i accused a person without proper evidence....

 

 

 

His actions (which i have listed in the 1st post) say he is attracted, his words say he isn't...

 

now what do i do....?

 

btw, he does say that he chats only with me. what's going on..?

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MidnightBlue1980

MidnightBlue1980

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I think I just found my next custom t-shirt saying

 

LOL! Or coffee mug.

 

It's just the way it is. I've been on both sides with this guy and every-single-time I respond, I regret it. I used to feel bad not responding - but I've come to realize he knows this about me and is completely manipulating me, using that part of me to basically feed his ego. So now I do not feel bad at all. He just wants cake and honestly, he is 25 pounds overweight, he should eat carrots.

 

But seriously, it was a great email to start the ignoring on my part. I like to think he is on vacation, scratching his head thinking, I just don't get why she didn't respond....I even told her to write me back...scratch scratch...

 

He's where he wants to be and so am I. I can choose too.

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