Am i on the road to an affair...? In love with a married co-worker....

[shruti789]

so he has been a bit distant, then today, he talked with me and told me about an incident in which he "protected" his wife. (something regarding electricity and how she got a shock and he saved her) and then later today, he asked me why i am not looking at him? am I angry with him etc... I said i am not angry. it seems he is coming on stronger, after a couple of days of being distant.

[RedOlive]

so he has been a bit distant, then today, he talked with me and told me about an incident in which he "protected" his wife. (something regarding electricity and how she got a shock and he saved her) and then later today, he asked me why i am not looking at him? am I angry with him etc... I said i am not angry. it seems he is coming on stronger, after a couple of days of being distant.

 

 

Shruti, NO NO NO NO NO. Stay away from this character. By now you should recognize this classic push/pull behavior. I've been in a similar situation and was also suppressing my anger for the sake of fictional friendship because I had feelings for xMM. HE IS NOT YOUR FRIEND. Trust your instincts. If you think he can't possibly be this manipulative, think again. He probably has an intuitive sense for this, even if he is not consciously plotting. Although i'd venture to guess he is.

 

And the saving of the wife thing, what is that?! To show you how great of a guy he is, devoted to his wife and also to cover his bases in case anything happens later? Like "hey, you knew how it was, it was all out there"? This man will continue to disappoint and anger you if you let him. He is bad news. Shut this down. There is nothing to be gained there, and I (like many others here) speak from experience.

 

(((Hugs))) and good luck.

[whichwayisup]

so he has been a bit distant, then today, he talked with me and told me about an incident in which he "protected" his wife. (something regarding electricity and how she got a shock and he saved her) and then later today, he asked me why i am not looking at him? am I angry with him etc... I said i am not angry. it seems he is coming on stronger, after a couple of days of being distant.

 

Do you want pain and heartache? If so, then stay on this path, follow him around like a puppy and allow him to play the cat and mouse game with you. This man is using you for an ego feed, he's a snake.

 

Find the love and respect for yourself, and end it with him. What you and he are doing is sooo pointless. He's not even your 'friend'. It's unhealthy and damaging, so please, end it with him.

[Rxwoman]

Don't do it.

As someone who made that mistake during her first ( at age 18) marriage, it is something you can never take back.

Even though that marriage failed for other reasons, I lived with guilt forever after ( I'm not the cheating type).

And ask yourself, how would you feel if your spouse cheated on you?

If the answer is that you would be devastated, then stop being selfish and DON'T DO IT.

[elaine567]

And ask yourself, how would you feel if your spouse cheated on you?

 

The OP is not married, but I suppose she could imagine how hurt and devastated she would be.

 

Hi

I am a single woman in my early 30's..

[fireflywy]

Hi

 

 

As far as i can see, the reasons i fell for him are

 

*He listens well and responds no matter what topic i talk about

*He is helpful to me - if i want to go buy something and if he is going out at lunch time he will bring it for me

* He is very good at making me laugh

* His looks

* We have the same interests

 

so i have been giving it time hoping this feeling is just a crush and it will go away..... 7 months and it's growing...not fading...

 

I don't know if he is attracted to me or not.... but

 

He says I am beautiful..

 

He says I am a special FRIEND.

 

He stares at me sometimes and will smile when i catch him staring.

 

He has indicated that his wife and him are not having much sex.

 

He chats with me after work hours on Whatsapp.

 

If i am angry with him (for some silly reason like he did not bring me the book he said he will bring) he will send messages saying please forgive me,are you still angry etc and will keep lingering about trying to talk.

 

He said he wants to be my friend forever.

 

He takes my photos while we are working and will show me later (Happened 3 times)

 

Once he said he will not cheat on his wife (We were chatting about a friend who cheated, but it sounded like he was trying to convince himself)

 

He talks about how he has to do cooking and housework because his wife doesn't and she earns more than him so there seems to be a problem there too..

 

 

My friends think he has feelings for me by observing the way he smiles with me, talks with me etc

 

So what i am asking is....

 

1) I know nobody can read his mind, but from what i described, do you think he is attracted to me...?

 

2) What Do i do? do i let him know that I am in love with him?

 

 

Thank you...

 

Brutal honesty...

 

1. You're not in love, you're hung up on his LOOKS and everything else you see gets special consideration and more "meaning" because of that. Its a fantasy. Time to wake up.

 

2. He will only be those attentive things IF hes actually playing you....

 

until he gets into your pants and then you become what his wife is which is someone who can easily be discarded.

 

Time to run.

 

P.S. if you go after this guy and ruin his marriage and it DOESNT work (which it won't) you're red flagging yourself for every other man which follows and will be on a long and lonely road. Isnt worth it.

[fireflywy]

I feel aware.... awake.... after reading these replies and other threads... I always thought he is innocent, he has no intention of an affair, he is just being friendly.... now after reading all these, i feel he is not so innocent after all...

 

 

another thing, he behaves like he is the perfect husband, so i thought he would never want an affair, he tells me when he goes out to dinner/shopping/movies with his wife.

 

Your first clue that he isn't on the up and up is when he said he doesn't cheat on his wife like all the other guys do. I read that and it screamed that this guy is trouble. A good majority of men don't cheat on their wives.

 

He's playing with you and his ego.

[loveisanaction]

I am not sure why this married guy is being called these bad names. What has he done wrong exactly? He hasn't future faked the OP, he hasn't promised her anything and he was upfront and honest with her about his marital status and his child. He is flirting with the OP with the hopes that she will give him some *action* outside of his marriage.

 

I see posters hugging and pleading with the OP to stay away from him, pleading with her as if it's impossible for her to stay away from this man because she is a helpless damsel in distress; as if she has no control over her sexual senses because there is some strong magical force so powerful that she is powerless against it.

 

The reason why the OP hasn't taken anyone's advice on here is because she hoping that one poster will tell her that this married man likes her, that maybe he's conflicted in his heart and that the reason why he is distant sometimes is because he's confused about his feelings for the OP; she is waiting for one poster to tell her that this isn't about sex and that maybe her married man wants her but just doesn't know how to say it.

 

This way she will go and sleep with this guy because she would now have all the convincing she needs; that her married guy does like her and this isn't just about sex. The reason why the OP is ignoring every advice given to her is because she doesn't want to admit the truth to herself; that the man in question is only seeking to have sex with her.

 

Very few men walk up to a lady and say "I'm happily married, will you have no-strings-attached-sex with me?" Men are not stupid, they know what they have to say to a woman to get her to sleep with them. Flirting, lavish compliments, the soppy story about how miserable they are at home, how the wife refuses to give them sex but how attractive we are and how they just can't stay away from us because we are so damn sexy. Men know exactly what to say, they're cheats but they're not stupid.

 

The OP is not satisfied with the advice she's been given, she wants to sleep with this man but is looking for somebody (anybody) to tell her that he may have feelings for her which explains his sometimes distant behavior. This is why she keeps posting about his how he is behaving as opposed to posting about what she is doing to stay the heck away from him.

 

Sometimes, it's best we create our own messes. The only way some of us learn from situations like this is to go through with it.

 

Experience is still the best teacher.

[Marc878]

so he has been a bit distant, then today, he talked with me and told me about an incident in which he "protected" his wife. (something regarding electricity and how she got a shock and he saved her) and then later today, he asked me why i am not looking at him? am I angry with him etc... I said i am not angry. it seems he is coming on stronger, after a couple of days of being distant.

 

He'll never stop unless you shoot him down. I'd just say we need to keep conversations business appropriate. Jeeze, his wife has a bad picker.

[DKT3]

I am not sure why this married guy is being called these bad names. What has he done wrong exactly? He hasn't future faked the OP, he hasn't promised her anything and he was upfront and honest with her about his marital status and his child. He is flirting with the OP with the hopes that she will give him some *action* outside of his marriage.

 

I see posters hugging and pleading with the OP to stay away from him, pleading with her as if it's impossible for her to stay away from this man because she is a helpless damsel in distress; as if she has no control over her sexual senses because there is some strong magical force so powerful that she is powerless against it.

 

The reason why the OP hasn't taken anyone's advice on here is because she hoping that one poster will tell her that this married man likes her, that maybe he's conflicted in his heart and that the reason why he is distant sometimes is because he's confused about his feelings for the OP; she is waiting for one poster to tell her that this isn't about sex and that maybe her married man wants her but just doesn't know how to say it.

 

This way she will go and sleep with this guy because she would now have all the convincing she needs; that her married guy does like her and this isn't just about sex. The reason why the OP is ignoring every advice given to her is because she doesn't want to admit the truth to herself; that the man in question is only seeking to have sex with her.

 

Very few men walk up to a lady and say "I'm happily married, will you have no-strings-attached-sex with me?" Men are not stupid, they know what they have to say to a woman to get her to sleep with them. Flirting, lavish compliments, the soppy story about how miserable they are at home, how the wife refuses to give them sex but how attractive we are and how they just can't stay away from us because we are so damn sexy. Men know exactly what to say, they're cheats but they're not stupid.

 

The OP is not satisfied with the advice she's been given, she wants to sleep with this man but is looking for somebody (anybody) to tell her that he may have feelings for her which explains his sometimes distant behavior. This is why she keeps posting about his how he is behaving as opposed to posting about what she is doing to stay the heck away from him.

 

Sometimes, it's best we create our own messes. The only way some of us learn from situations like this is to go through with it.

 

Experience is still the best teacher.

⬆⬆⬆⬆⬆⬆This.

 

Only a matter of time

[shruti789]

 

The reason why the OP hasn't taken anyone's advice on here is because she hoping that one poster will tell her that this married man likes her, that maybe he's conflicted in his heart and that the reason why he is distant sometimes is because he's confused about his feelings for the OP; she is waiting for one poster to tell her that this isn't about sex and that maybe her married man wants her but just doesn't know how to say it.

 

This way she will go and sleep with this guy because she would now have all the convincing she needs; that her married guy does like her and this isn't just about sex. The reason why the OP is ignoring every advice given to her is because she doesn't want to admit the truth to herself; that the man in question is only seeking to have sex with her.

 

 

The OP is not satisfied with the advice she's been given, she wants to sleep with this man but is looking for somebody (anybody) to tell her that he may have feelings for her which explains his sometimes distant behavior. This is why she keeps posting about his how he is behaving as opposed to posting about what she is doing to stay the heck away from him.

 

.

 

If i wanted to sleep with him for sure i would not be asking for anyone's advice. i would just go and do it. i don't need anyone's approval to do what i am sure about.i dont need convincing...

 

I posted this not to get anyone to tell me "it's ok,sleep with him"

 

I posted this because despite me having feelings for him, i wanted to do the right thing.. and i was not sure how to read his words and actions so before taking up the issue of boundries with him i wanted to know what others think. in other words, i wanted others to tell me not to do it, to wake me up...

 

as i have said,i was not in the dark side completely and i didnt want anyone to push me there,but to pull me from that side. i was having a hard time deciding "shall i do it or not?" not "how do i sleep with him"

 

 

 

i was not 100% sure about which road i shall take and most of the advice i was given made me see the truth and i am more aware of whats going on than when i started this topic.

 

 

I have taken some of the advice given too. no whatsapp, no chats after work now.

 

 

and im not looking for anyone to tell me that he wants to marry me/loves me etc.. no one but himself knows the truth and im sure that truth is most probably that he wants some sex and attention and an ego boost.

[Grapesofwrath]

Great post, Loveisanaction. This is true.

 

It doesn't matter whether he has feelings for you or not, OP. It doesn't matter whether his marriage is great or lousy. The better question is how you want your life to go.

 

Imagine yourself a year from now. What do you see? When you look in the mirror, do you see a woman who slept with a married man and knowingly became the OW, with all the lies, deception, loneliness, and tears that this entails? A woman who missed other opportunities for a healthy relationship because her heart was elsewhere? A woman who is alone at night, on weekends, and on holidays while her lover is with his family pretending to be a model husband?

 

Or do you want to look in the mirror and see a woman who was able to take the emotional reins of her life, make healthy choices, and showed self-respect. Maybe even a woman who is happily involved with an available man.

 

Our life is the sum of our choices. What kind of choices are you making?

[DKT3]

If i wanted to sleep with him for sure i would not be asking for anyone's advice. i would just go and do it. i don't need anyone's approval to do what i am sure about.i dont need convincing...

 

I posted this not to get anyone to tell me "it's ok,sleep with him"

 

I posted this because despite me having feelings for him, i wanted to do the right thing.. and i was not sure how to read his words and actions so before taking up the issue of boundries with him i wanted to know what others think. in other words, i wanted others to tell me not to do it, to wake me up...

 

as i have said,i was not in the dark side completely and i didnt want anyone to push me there,but to pull me from that side. i was having a hard time deciding "shall i do it or not?" not "how do i sleep with him"

 

 

 

i was not 100% sure about which road i shall take and most of the advice i was given made me see the truth and i am more aware of whats going on than when i started this topic.

 

 

I have taken some of the advice given too. no whatsapp, no chats after work now.

 

 

and im not looking for anyone to tell me that he wants to marry me/loves me etc.. no one but himself knows the truth and im sure that truth is most probably that he wants some sex and attention and an ego boost.

 

So what's the problem then?

 

He is married, you say you don't want anything....that makes the solution simple, say "you actions are inappropriate, your a married man and I'm not interested in being anyone's side piece" all done, then move on to a single guy. You a 30 something woman, you've run guys off before shouldn't be complicated, right?

[winny]

I am not sure why this married guy is being called these bad names. What has he done wrong exactly? He hasn't future faked the OP, he hasn't promised her anything and he was upfront and honest with her about his marital status and his child. He is flirting with the OP with the hopes that she will give him some *action* outside of his marriage.

 

I see posters hugging and pleading with the OP to stay away from him, pleading with her as if it's impossible for her to stay away from this man because she is a helpless damsel in distress; as if she has no control over her sexual senses because there is some strong magical force so powerful that she is powerless against it.

 

The reason why the OP hasn't taken anyone's advice on here is because she hoping that one poster will tell her that this married man likes her, that maybe he's conflicted in his heart and that the reason why he is distant sometimes is because he's confused about his feelings for the OP; she is waiting for one poster to tell her that this isn't about sex and that maybe her married man wants her but just doesn't know how to say it.

This way she will go and sleep with this guy because she would now have all the convincing she needs; that her married guy does like her and this isn't just about sex. The reason why the OP is ignoring every advice given to her is because she doesn't want to admit the truth to herself; that the man in question is only seeking to have sex with her.

 

Very few men walk up to a lady and say "I'm happily married, will you have no-strings-attached-sex with me?" Men are not stupid, they know what they have to say to a woman to get her to sleep with them. Flirting, lavish compliments, the soppy story about how miserable they are at home, how the wife refuses to give them sex but how attractive we are and how they just can't stay away from us because we are so damn sexy. Men know exactly what to say, they're cheats but they're not stupid.

 

The OP is not satisfied with the advice she's been given, she wants to sleep with this man but is looking for somebody (anybody) to tell her that he may have feelings for her which explains his sometimes distant behavior. This is why she keeps posting about his how he is behaving as opposed to posting about what she is doing to stay the heck away from him.

 

Sometimes, it's best we create our own messes. The only way some of us learn from situations like this is to go through with it.

 

Experience is still the best teacher.

 

Okay I don't agree to the points in bold this post.

You don't know the OP... at all..!!! So please don't make her sound like a slut or something. It is human nature to seek love and companionship. And sometimes people end up falling for the wrong person - that wrong person could be married or could be not. Happens everyday. The OP is no more in fault than a gal who falls for a fake person online or a player or someone who never shows up after having sex. The very fact that she has NOT slept with him yet says that she doesn't want to SLEEP with him. And not everything is about SEX for a woman and we know that being women ourselves. I think she has taken some of the advice given here. And it is not so easy as it is just to write here - Leave him, move on, dump him etc etc. She will take her time to move on and I feel she has started on that path and will get there eventually.

And let's not forget that she is not in a committed relationship with someone, she is still single and free to do what she wants, even having sex with anyone she wants to. It is the guy here who is in a committed relationship and it is him who should be staying away from women. That makes him much more at fault than the OP.

[shruti789]

Okay I don't agree to the points in bold this post.

You don't know the OP... at all..!!! So please don't make her sound like a slut or something. It is human nature to seek love and companionship. And sometimes people end up falling for the wrong person - that wrong person could be married or could be not. Happens everyday. The OP is no more in fault than a gal who falls for a fake person online or a player or someone who never shows up after having sex. The very fact that she has NOT slept with him yet says that she doesn't want to SLEEP with him. And not everything is about SEX for a woman and we know that being women ourselves. I think she has taken some of the advice given here. And it is not so easy as it is just to write here - Leave him, move on, dump him etc etc. She will take her time to move on and I feel she has started on that path and will get there eventually.

And let's not forget that she is not in a committed relationship with someone, she is still single and free to do what she wants, even having sex with anyone she wants to. It is the guy here who is in a committed relationship and it is him who should be staying away from women. That makes him much more at fault than the OP.

 

 

Thank you so much winny. I felt unfairly attacked and judged after reading the post by loveisanaction....

 

It was so bad that i "went in to my shell" i THOUGHT that this is a safe forum to express my feelings and get guidance without being attacked...

 

I kept away for weeks because i felt misunderstood.

 

 

Then today i thought i will post an Update... feeling brave enough to express myself.

 

 

This is what happened after August 13th (my last post)

 

In mid august he was rotated to another floor in the same building. since then he called me from time to time (not everyday) and we shared details about day to day occurrences.

 

Then on August 25th his wife used his phone to call her parents and saw the call log (i think this is a lie, she has her own phone which is charged and ready at all times due to reasons i will not discuss)

 

I think they must have had a fight because the next day at work, he called me and said "i am afraid that we will have an affair if we continue talking over the phone, so i will not call you anymore"

 

 

so that was that. it's been around two weeks.

 

i suspect that he wanted an affair and he got afraid since his wife suspected.

[Logan787]

The very fact that he is talking to you about his sex life, proves he isn't innocent. Put yourself in his wife's shoes, if you were married to him with a young baby, would you want him talking to a female co-worker about you twos sex life? Also, it doesn't sound like he has been married that long and seeing how he is already having inappropriate conversations with a female co-worker so early int a marriage, shows how uncommitted and unstable he is. If you go forward and have an affair with him, and he leaves his wife, he will end up doing the same to you.

[Lobe]

i suspect that he wanted an affair and he got afraid since his wife suspected.

 

We knew he wanted an affair. Did you want one too? Are you grateful to know that he will not have an affair with you and now you have closure to move on to an available man? Or do you hope that once enough time has passed that his wife feels secure again he will contact you and you can continue on the road to an affair? Will you protect yourself or make yourself vulnerable to him agin if he comes back?

 

I am personally relieved that you have dodged this bullet, at least for now. The question will be what you do when/if he comes sniffing around again.

[Survivor12]

can you/anyone please provide a link to read up on emotional affairs? i have read a few pages on various web sites and it's making me confused.some say chatting is fine, some say chatting is an emotional affair etc

 

no, if i was married, i would not like my husband to have what he is having with me..... and yet, he seems to think that it is ok for us to have what we have despite him being married......

 

Why not ask his wife if it's okay with her? Let her know that because you are in love with him, he should cheat on her. I'm sure she'll give you a reality check that will snap you right out of your fantasy.

[shruti789]

We knew he wanted an affair. Did you want one too? Are you grateful to know that he will not have an affair with you and now you have closure to move on to an available man? Or do you hope that once enough time has passed that his wife feels secure again he will contact you and you can continue on the road to an affair? Will you protect yourself or make yourself vulnerable to him agin if he comes back?

 

I am personally relieved that you have dodged this bullet, at least for now. The question will be what you do when/if he comes sniffing around again.

 

 

If he wanted an affair, why did he say that he is afraid it will become an affair and why did he stop all contact? (one part of my mind DO know he wanted an affair, but one part still thinks that he didn't know/didn't think about what he was doing, up to that no contact day)

 

Yes, part of me wanted an affair and i was struggling because i know it's wrong. that dilemma is what made me sign up in this site.

 

I do not think he will be back.....

 

and yes, it is kind of making me sad. being totally honest here.

 

ideally i would have liked him to leave his wife (who according to him is not giving him any love,care or sex)

 

 

I have been missing him since he said he will not contact me again. we used to share everything. i feel that void..

[elaine567]

If he wanted an affair, why did he say that he is afraid it will become an affair and why did he stop all contact? (one part of my mind DO know he wanted an affair, but one part still thinks that he didn't know/didn't think about what he was doing, up to that no contact day)

 

Yes, part of me wanted an affair and i was struggling because i know it's wrong. that dilemma is what made me sign up in this site.

 

I do not think he will be back.....

 

and yes, it is kind of making me sad. being totally honest here.

 

ideally i would have liked him to leave his wife (who according to him is not giving him any love,care or sex)

 

I have been missing him since he said he will not contact me again. we used to share everything. i feel that void..

 

Get used to that feeling of emptiness/sadness, because if he does come back and I guess he will, once it calms down at home, this will not be the only time he will discard you, to pick you up, then discard you again, over and over.

MM are a masters of the hot and cold, the push and pull, it will send you mad, quite literally.

You have been warned.

[BluesPower]

I did not have to read much into your thread. I see that you have had some good advice.

 

I don't know any other way to tell you this, accept bluntly.

 

Yeah, he likes you, and no he does not love you. If you have not already you will end up in the sack with him and it will be wonderful.

 

After a while the affair will blows up, and they almost always do, he will dump you and you will be heartbroken.

 

The pain will be unbearable for the most part and you will wonder why you were so stupid.

 

I have been there and done this to other women married and single, I am ashamed of it for the most part.

 

Just don't go there. If you have gone there already, get out ASAP.

 

Please listen and trust me on this, you will be so much better off in the long run.

 

Good luck...

[Lobe]

Possible reasons why he said he does not want an affair:

 

His wife finally gave him head/anal/a ball massage and your services are no longer required

He found porn

He found God

He grew a conscience

He almost got caught and grew a conscience

He almost got caught and got scared

He got caught and grew a conscience

He got caught and his wife forced him to write you an NC note

He found a hooker to take your place for NSA sex

He ditched you because you want a relationship

He is a member of the witness relocation program and found out you're a second cousin to the mafia member he's being protected from and can't risk his safety

 

None of that matters though. What matters now is that you build a wall of safety around yourself so that when and if he feels comfortable enough to come crawling back you have the fortitude and strength of character and (most importantly) the self-worth to be the one who says, "I can't talk to you because I'm afraid we are going to have an affair and I am not interested in tearing apart your family or being used as a band aid for your alleged marital woes. Lose my number until and unless you're single and have enough respect for me to not expect that I waive my personal integrity for your selfish benefit. Go home."

 

It's perfectly normal to be sad and mourn the loss of someone you were close to. But stop for a minute and think about who you're mourning. He has already shown where his loyalty lies and has put you in your place - would he have been worth throwing your dignity out the window for?

 

Now is a good time for you to consider some individual counselling and maybe some girl time with your BFFs or sisters... Once you get your head back on straight, hopefully you'll be grateful you weren't one of the ladies here with 5 or 10 years being the OW with no sight of your wish that he leave his wife for you.

[privategal]

Be so grateful he ended it with NC.

The pain you feel now (and I know it is alot) is not even .0001% of what you would feel if the A had gotten off the ground.

Dust yourself off and be glad this selfish @ss helped you dodge a bullet. Don't waste your tears on him. ❤

[elaine567]

YOU think OMG he is having a terrible time, he should be with me and I will look after him. YOU think because he has done the marriage thing he is a good catch, he would make a great husband for you.

YOU would heal his heart and you would ride off together into the sunset.

 

BUT most MM do not think that way, when they are looking for someone to have an affair with.

He already has a wife, why on earth would he need another one?

I guess he is a horny guy whose wife has a 2 year old at home taking up all her attention, and he will be feeling a bit put out and neglected, so he is looking for a woman to give him a BJ and some sex so he can feel better...

[shruti789]

after two weeks of no contact (he did not even visit our division on that time) day after tomorrow he will be coming to ours for a meeting. do i talk with him? or do i ignore him? if i ignore him the others will notice and think that there is some kind of trouble between us, because we always used to talk whenever he came up to my desk.

 

my friends have told me that he looked guilty while talking with them about setting up the meeting. so i guess he knows acting like a good friend and suddenly stopping all contact was a bad thing to do.

 

i don't feel like talking or acting normal. it hurt me when he stopped all contact...

 

shall i take a leave? but i guess i will have to face the situation someday soon.