Am i on the road to an affair...? In love with a married co-worker....

[grassisorisntgreener]

Go into work in your best outfit. Feel good for YOU! Set yourself up to have a great morning and a great day. Do not show him that you're sad. Be strong. If he speaks to you, answer what he has to say, but do not engage or act like you miss him at all.

 

If this truly isn't going anywhere, there is no need for him to know you're struggling. You got this!

[S2B]

after two weeks of no contact (he did not even visit our division on that time) day after tomorrow he will be coming to ours for a meeting. do i talk with him? or do i ignore him? if i ignore him the others will notice and think that there is some kind of trouble between us, because we always used to talk whenever he came up to my desk.

 

my friends have told me that he looked guilty while talking with them about setting up the meeting. so i guess he knows acting like a good friend and suddenly stopping all contact was a bad thing to do.

 

i don't feel like talking or acting normal. it hurt me when he stopped all contact...

 

shall i take a leave? but i guess i will have to face the situation someday soon.

 

While he's scheduled to be there - take a few vacation days and be sure you're unavailable.

 

Or - if you see him just act like he's not even there.

[stillafool]

The very fact that he is talking to you about his sex life, proves he isn't innocent. Put yourself in his wife's shoes, if you were married to him with a young baby, would you want him talking to a female co-worker about you twos sex life? Also, it doesn't sound like he has been married that long and seeing how he is already having inappropriate conversations with a female co-worker so early int a marriage, shows how uncommitted and unstable he is. If you go forward and have an affair with him, and he leaves his wife, he will end up doing the same to you.

 

I imagine the only reason he is looking for sex on the side is because his wife is busy with their young baby. Unfortunately this happens with a lot of young fathers and they get sex starved. After the baby weens and sleeps better the couples sex life resumes and in most cases become a happy little family. It's too bad that the urges are so strong they make a person want to do what they normally wouldn't.

 

I don't believe for one moment this mans wife found his phone and blah, blah, blah. He loves his wife and baby, guilt set in and he couldn't cheat on his wife no matter how strong his urges were.

 

I think it's ridiculous that people think that only the married man is supposed to have morals.

[shruti789]

Go into work in your best outfit. Feel good for YOU! Set yourself up to have a great morning and a great day. Do not show him that you're sad. Be strong. If he speaks to you, answer what he has to say, but do not engage or act like you miss him at all.

 

If this truly isn't going anywhere, there is no need for him to know you're struggling. You got this!

 

 

That's what i will do. If he speaks to me, i will speak like nothing happened. if not, i will just do my work till the meeting starts.

[shruti789]

 

I don't believe for one moment this mans wife found his phone and blah, blah, blah. He loves his wife and baby, guilt set in and he couldn't cheat on his wife no matter how strong his urges were.

 

 

 

i too think that he suddenly got a "guilt attack" but i thought he only got that because the wife saw the call log and grew suspicious.

[Marc878]

i too think that he suddenly got a "guilt attack" but i thought he only got that because the wife saw the call log and grew suspicious.

 

I think you're correct. It says a lot about the path he was wanting to head down. A side affair but nothing more. Like most MM.

[jenkins95]

(((shruti)))

 

Yes, part of me wanted an affair and i was struggling because i know it's wrong.

 

Shruti - take the feeling of sadness and emptiness that you have now after the events that unfolded. Multiply them by 1000 and you are still not even close to the horrific pain that would have been unleashed on you and others if it HAD gone down that route to a full blown affair.

 

Please take it from us who have been there - you have dodged a major bullet. Kudos to you for coming here. I hope the shocking stories combined with the pain you have already been through will prevent you from ever going near an attached man again - it's just not worth it.

 

Good luck, look after yourself and keep posting. We are here for you!

[shruti789]

The meeting got postponed to next Friday, so i don't have to face this awkward situation until Friday..

 

I guess what hurts most is that he outright refused my friendship too.

 

Well, life goes on...

[ChickiePops]

The meeting got postponed to next Friday, so i don't have to face this awkward situation until Friday..

 

I guess what hurts most is that he outright refused my friendship too.

 

Well, life goes on...

 

He refused friendship because he realized that it could never only be friendship and he's protecting himself, his wife, and you from the pain of an affair. He is actually doing the right thing here..he actually sounds like a decent guy.

 

 

If it were me, I would just act like everything is normal. Chat with other people. If he says hello, say it back but don't engage. You work in the same place..you'll have to deal with him sooner or later. Don't let it get awkward, just go back to being acquaintances rather than friends.

 

 

Fake it til you make it. You avoided something that would've been much much worse than a tiny bit of awkwardness at a meeting.

[elaine567]

The meeting got postponed to next Friday, so i don't have to face this awkward situation until Friday..

 

I guess what hurts most is that he outright refused my friendship too.

 

Well, life goes on...

 

He didn't ever really want to be your friend, that was not what he had in mind.

[afoolto no end]

Look I think his wife told him to stop contact with you, no wife would be alright with her husband having any kind of friendship with another woman, everyone knows letting someone fill some of the emotional needs in your life, sooner or later it ends up being more, it becomes inappropriate, your already to far gone to stop it from happening then.

 

My guess the wife is now checking his phone to make sure there is no more contact.....

I did this with my husband with a co-worker of his......

He isn't jeopardizing anything to have any kind of friendship with you, there is to much at stake...

My guess he was priming you and got caught early into his plan......

You seem to believe everything he says I am going to guess you don't know much about any of his real life just what he wants to play you with.......you can make yourself be anyone you want to be with words.....

Maybe you aren't the first friend he has had, maybe she has already been down this road with him.......

Think about it, he has a wife a baby and he is giving up that time to talk to other women........sound like a good man, good husband, father.

You need to consider yourself lucky and stay clear of him or any other married man.

You know it's not right even talking to him, put yourself in the wife's spot, women don't disrespect each other this way.......

You need to be the better person here.......

[shruti789]

He didn't ever really want to be your friend, that was not what he had in mind.

 

 

He refused friendship because he realized that it could never only be friendship and he's protecting himself, his wife, and you from the pain of an affair. He is actually doing the right thing here..he actually sounds like a decent guy.

 

 

 

These two thoughts have been playing in my mind and it's a torment. sometimes i think oh my god what a fool i was, he did not want to be my friend, he was just making me prepared for an affair and got caught early on by the wife.

 

and then i think he is saying we can't talk anymore because he is worried that if we talk, his feelings will grow and we will have an affair so he is protecting everyone.

 

for weeks, i have been feeling this way, opinion is divided among the few friends who know this and i see that it is divided here too. i think i shall stop searching for answers for everything.

[shruti789]

 

My guess the wife is now checking his phone to make sure there is no more contact.....

 

He isn't jeopardizing anything to have any kind of friendship with you, there is to much at stake...

 

You know it's not right even talking to him

 

So the wife might be checking the phone, but what stops him from just being friends and talking on the office lines....? he did not call me on office lines too, that is what hurts, it is nothing to hide, it's the usual procedure. when people set up meetings they inform everyone via the internal communication systems. he did not do that. instead he told a friend to inform me about the meeting. why so much avoiding all of a sudden? like i asked HIM for an affair? if i asked, then i would understand him not wanting any kind of contact, but i did'nt. so why behave like i am some kind of a virus he needs to be away from? that hurts.

 

"He isn't jeopardizing anything to have any kind of friendship with you" yup. he made a clear choice and showed me his priorities and showed me that i do not matter at all. he made his choice. i keep telling that to myself anytime i feel like sharing anything with him.

 

 

"You know it's not right even talking to him" To tell you the truth, i haven't been able to see why just talking with him is bad.... that is why i am hurting. somehow he thought talking/being friends is bad. i can't make my mind up about this. i keep thinking WHY. it's not like if we talk for 3 minutes

it will make him fall in love and start an affair.....

[BuddyX]

Yes friendship is bad in your case. Don't seek closure because you won't find it. Odds are, his wife found out somethings up. Once that happened, she told him NC.

 

You have to let it go.

 

"That which is chased, runs away."

[elaine567]

"You know it's not right even talking to him" To tell you the truth, i haven't been able to see why just talking with him is bad.... that is why i am hurting. somehow he thought talking/being friends is bad. i can't make my mind up about this. i keep thinking WHY. it's not like if we talk for 3 minutes

it will make him fall in love and start an affair.....

 

You keep going on about him "falling in love" with you, but MM in affairs tend to not to "fall in love", that is not what having an affair is usually all about for a married men.

 

He has shut you down for some reason, but I truly doubt that it because he is afraid of falling in love with you, more likely his wife found out or one day he went "What the hell am I doing here, I could lose everything" or someone at work had "a word" or someone else has now caught his eye.

Who knows?

But stop writing love stories in your head, when it is most likely just some guy looking for some "extra".

[adna89]

So the wife might be checking the phone, but what stops him from just being friends and talking on the office lines....? he did not call me on office lines too, that is what hurts, it is nothing to hide, it's the usual procedure. when people set up meetings they inform everyone via the internal communication systems. he did not do that. instead he told a friend to inform me about the meeting. why so much avoiding all of a sudden? like i asked HIM for an affair? if i asked, then i would understand him not wanting any kind of contact, but i did'nt. so why behave like i am some kind of a virus he needs to be away from? that hurts.

 

"He isn't jeopardizing anything to have any kind of friendship with you" yup. he made a clear choice and showed me his priorities and showed me that i do not matter at all. he made his choice. i keep telling that to myself anytime i feel like sharing anything with him.

 

 

"You know it's not right even talking to him" To tell you the truth, i haven't been able to see why just talking with him is bad.... that is why i am hurting. somehow he thought talking/being friends is bad. i can't make my mind up about this. i keep thinking WHY. it's not like if we talk for 3 minutes

it will make him fall in love and start an affair.....

 

Of course his wife and kid will be number 1 ,what did you think? you dont even come close to them,not even by far ....you are just a girl from job he had fun with because he was bored.Please do not try to think anything else,i have been in contact with a man like this for 2 years..the minute his wife found out i was NOTHING

 

It is wrong because you have feelings for him,would you want your husband to be in contact with a woman that was attracted to him?

Edited September 16, 2016 by adna89

[Hummingbird17]

Is it possible you misread this whole situation? Did he cross some boundaries? Yes, by talking to you outside of work.

 

However, I think to him you were friends and then when you thought there was more to it, he wanted nothing to do with the situation. In your OP said you were in love with him.

 

The best thing for you to do, is leave him alone, and keep things strictly business. Sounds like that is what he is trying to do. It doesn't sound like he is afraid of his feelings getting stronger if he talks to you. It sounds like he is worried you will think it's more than what it is.

[Patrice]

from the guy. You are definitely in an emotional affair now, that isn't fair to his wife and child or to yourself. What a creep

[shruti789]

So "The meeting" got postponed AGAIN.he is the one who set up the meeting (this is a meeting of staff in various departments-for those who did not read previous posts in this thread, just so that they don't think it's a meeting between a man and a woman )

 

he set the date, and then he took leave on that day! My friend who knows everything regarding this said he can't face me after what he did, so he is avoiding. (she thinks he had the intention of an affair and is playing the good husband act because the wife caught him) but i don't know what to think.... he must face me one day regarding work, so i think he maybe had an emergency at home/sick.or maybe she is right.. Let's see what will happen on Monday...

[DKT3]

When I was first married a good friend of mine started dating a girl, and she had a bff that always seemed to tag along. I got along well with her, we were similar in a lot of areas. We joked around playfully honestly did some light flirting. Then one day my buddies girl told me she (her friend) had a massive crush on me and talked about me all the time.

 

Snip snip, cut her off, just like that. Not because I was thinking of having an affair, or to been mean. I enforced some boundaries to protect my wife and marriage. In my mind it was never ending towards anything more than what it was.

 

He has laid down boundaries and put up a wall. Don't matter why just matters that he isn't interested. Respect his decision and marriage and leave the guy alone.

[shruti789]

So the meeting got cancelled, after being postponed/after him taking leave on the meeting day etc, he called off the meeting. then he started coming to my section, but he did not talk with me, so i thought i will keep my distance, and just carried on office duties.

 

last week, i got to know that he has told his friends that we had an affair.i hear he was boasting. he has told this to various women and men. and then he has said he stopped the affair so i am angry with him. hello? he said let's not communicate, so i didn't, now he goes around saying i am angry ??? i did not talk, that was not because i am angry, but because i thought that is what he wanted.

 

 

shall i confront him and ask hey why have you been telling people such things?

 

 

and he has said he is having headaches and sleepless nights because i am angry. wtf? (I am sorry but that's what i felt when i heard this)

[aileD]

Don't say anything.

 

Smile and wave. Smile and wave .

 

Ignore him.

[BluesPower]

Yeah, just ignore it.

 

But I will say that he is even more of a creep for doing that. I mean that is just way up there on the creep meter.

 

Stay strong...

[Sharona21]

There are only two types of women IMO who can deal with a MM, and not get ruined in some way.

 

One is the woman who says no, on day one, who keeps him at arm's length and who wants nothing to do with him and doesn't play his game. She tells him to go back to his wife.

 

The other is a woman who treats the MM like a FWB/FB, it is just a contract for sex, nothing more, nothing less.

She is cold and detached and she never really gets involved.

 

For everyone other woman, it is a complete disaster.

 

 

This exactly how I felt, like I was playing a game. It takes 2 to play. If one or the other decides not to play, then they will stop. I wish I had found this board while playing, but after a few months of this, I began to realize that it wasn't right. I put a stop to it. You do have the power to stop it. I knew he wouldn't have the guts to stop, so I had to.

 

It doesn't matter if you have feelings for him. Start NC. It will be hard and it will suck for a while, but it's a worthwhile pursuit. Keep reading posts here and you will begin to see him in a different way. Good luck!

[Hummingbird17]

So he told you he was having headaches and sleepless nights because you are angry?

 

Have all these multiple people he has told you two had an affair, told you personally that he said this?

 

I still think you have read too much into this. And he is trying to stay far away without setting you off.