Am i on the road to an affair...? In love with a married co-worker....

[Ronnie33]

If you don't like him being distance, get used to it because it will happen all the time.

 

It's called the push pull and will be the catalyst for the whole affair.

[dubliner]

Another thing to remember about the full on contact and then getting distant is that you are filling a gap in his life. When W is busy working, tending to child, house, out with friends, you are the fall back girl. When she is giving him what he wants- attention, affection, you go back in your box.

Someone here described this as feeling like a tool, when he wants to use you he will do and say whatever is needed to get you out the box and available, when he's done using you and has another tool right there with him you are placed back in the box.

Do you want this for yourself? Would you use your friends this way? Would you allow yourself to be used this way by anyone else?

[elaine567]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/589564-push-pull

 

In my xMM's case I felt what thrilled him was HIM chasing a "new" relationship and "winning" again and again. I felt that it was the rush of conquering that he was feeding on.

 

Each time, he pulled away, there was a pause in time--end of the relationship. He set the rules that we'd be friends and nothing more. I agreed and acted EXACTLY as agreed on.

 

Then,

he started the chasing, almost as if he was chasing a new partner; he wooed, I resisted, he pushed farther, I resisted and fought back. The more I fought the harder he chased. Then finally as soon as I caved in, he got his "trophy" and the next minute pulled away. It was it as if he needed to end things just so that he could get the feeling of embarking on a new adventure again soon.

 

Some months after it was completely over, I had this thought:

my xMM was acting the same way a hunter chases its game; the faster the prey runs, the more exciting the kill. It's no fun hunting a turtle that just sits in front of you without motion; but it sure is fun to work to hunt a fast deer or a rabbit that's not making it easy for you to catch it.

 

I don't think that's what he was intending; most likely it was all subconscious.

 

I don't presume to know what was going on his mind. All I know is that

with each pull he got to have fun and the rush of thrill from me.

with each push he got to feel relieved and more connected with his wife.

 

with each pull I felt another dead end chapter starting with the same inevitable ending

with each push I felt destroyed one more time, all over again, just like the time before.

 

With each cycle of push-pull he was getting stronger and happier in his marriage.

With each cycle of push-pull I was sinking a little deeper in my own grave that I dug for myself.

 

He planned, schemed, plotted, and orchestrated the whole thing. In the end, he has benefitted; his marriage is better than ever now.

 

I didn't seduce him. I didn't lure him. But I did fall hard once he chased me. In the end, I left my marriage. Left my home state; left everything I knew and had. Now living alone.

 

He is rewarded. I am punished.

Justice served. Who am I to complain?

[Arieswoman]

Dubliner #23

 

Sounds much like the twisted bs my exH told his AP while I was busting my butt trying to make my M work.

 

Yup - been there...

 

Some men are just selfish, it's all about them, what they need and your MM may genuinely believe that his W isn't fulfilling his needs, his self entitled attitude then gives him justification for having an A.

 

^^^^ This x 1000

[Savannah2]

I have been in almost the exact same situation for the past 4 years. We work together and started this the exact and I mean exact way you did. Talking secretly on apps at night after work hours. It started with just that and then grew into a physical affair. We are both married. My marriage has been rocky for years and years. We have one child together. His marriage has ups and downs he says. Believe me when I tell you I wish I Never got in this deep. It happens and now it is four years later and I have no idea how or when it will end. His marriage is honestly better now and mine is much worse off. He still goes on vacations with her in fact they just went on a cruise and I heard her gushing about what a great time they had. I also found out that he got caught up texting another co worker at a different workplace a few years ago. He deleted all their texts and his wife went back

And found them all. So he was looking for an affair long before I came into his life. He told me all the same things too.. Beautiful, easy to talk to, be with etc

 

My advice is to leave him alone. Do not get caught up in his life. Let him figure it out and if he wants to be with you make sure the ink has dried on the divorce papers. There is no easy way. You and him cannot have both. It is painful and confusing, and there are men out there who will only want you. He is not one of them I can guarantee you.

[elaine567]

There are only two types of women IMO who can deal with a MM, and not get ruined in some way.

 

One is the woman who says no, on day one, who keeps him at arm's length and who wants nothing to do with him and doesn't play his game. She tells him to go back to his wife.

 

The other is a woman who treats the MM like a FWB/FB, it is just a contract for sex, nothing more, nothing less.

She is cold and detached and she never really gets involved.

 

For everyone other woman, it is a complete disaster.

[Savannah2]

Elaine speaks the truth. Very rare for a woman to be able to completely be detached during a physical affair. And yes it is a complete disaster and you will be a shell of the person you were. Please go back and read some of my threads and the fantastic advice people posted. it will give you a glimpse into the heartache to come if you are with this man. Also, I think you should call him out on his actions. Tell him how you feel about this and see how he reacts. If he feels the same, what is he looking for? An exit affair? A fun work distraction? Mine was looking for a fun work distraction. I was more in it for an exit affair I think. Not that his marriage wasn't troubled, it was a lot of the time. But he resigned himself to stag and that's where I came in the picture. To fill the gaps.

[winny]

I understand that he will not leave his wife, i understand that we can't have a future, i know an affair will bring loads of drama, but what the hell is wrong with me that even while knowing all that a part of me wants an affair with him... what is this crazy feeling? how do i stop thinking about him?

 

 

I thank each one of you for taking time to reply,you must have given the same advice 100s of times,must have seen women falling despite the advice and yet you try to help. i understand that is a selfless and kind thing to do..

 

 

im trying but i cant get rid of the feeling that "what if it was meant to be" "i should let fate/nature do it's thing etc......

 

Hi Shruti - All I can tell you is - plz plz plz put a stop to this as soon as you can.

I have been there... it will kill your soul every time he will choose his wife before you. Love is a beautiful feeling but if it is not with the right person it will cause you so much pain. I have cried volumes... although in my case I fell for him without knowing he has a GF and remained friends while he went on to get married to her.

If you want to send me a private message I will be happy to help you there. I am also from India like you.

Take care.

[winny]

You think you are in a relationship and that in the best case scenario you can perhaps steal him away from his wife as that is what happens in the single world. You meet someone who is attached, they break it off with their SO, and you continue off into the sunset with them..

 

The problem here is that he is married and that usually a different ball game all together.

Here is a married guy, who has a wife at home who maybe is too tired for sex seeing as she works and has a toddler, he is maybe just bored with sex with his wife, he is maybe having great sex at home but sees you as an opportunity to get some extra, maybe he is a guy who is a serial cheater/player who knows?

BUT the chances are that whatever the circumstances, he is not likely to leave his marriage for you.

YOU are looking to be the OW at best and a FWB at worst.

Men rarely see the OW as marriage and relationship material, they hypocritically often see them as the devious woman who is willing to let him cheat on his innocent wife, so who would want to marry that?

The dirty secret, the bit of fun on the side...

Don't let your ego fool you that you are some great prize and he will ditch everything for you, that rarely happens especially with a child involved.

Would you really want a man who runs out out on his child for a bit of sex, anyway...?

Is this really all that you think you deserve?

 

Awesome post Elaine!!! Thank you!!!

[Savannah2]

You stop thinking about him by peeling away the facade and seeing this for what it really is. A man you work with that you have a connection with

And enjoy talking to. Happens every.day. Do not romanticize him or your relationship. Remind yourself at the end of the day that he is going home to his wife and family and planning life and vacations with her and them. Believe people when they tell you thaf the love of your life rarely comes with a wife attached. If you two are meant to be together then let him divorce and take it from there. If he's serious about you, then he will do just that and that is what you deserve. Otherwise he is cake eating and doesn't respect you to give you the relationship you deserve. That is not love. Far from it.

 

Also, You have no idea what it's like to be with him full time. Chances are once he got bored with you, he'd be on the what's app chatting with someone new while you are in the background now. I know its a big piece of humble pie to believe that, but I think it helped me to realize that

Edited July 31, 2016 by Savannah2
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[winny]

@shruti - ask yourself this question - do you want to be known as the other woman your whole life? do you think he or anyone else would think of you as a high quality woman if you are ready to engage in an affair (emotional/physical) ?

I understand that sometimes we make mistakes.... and I am glad that you have posted here and I see so much of myself in you so I am posting her again. You do not have to continue on this path. Stand up for yourself and choose the best for yourself.

And this push-pull thing is classic - it will ruin your self esteem... will make you even more addicted to him.

 

Do what I did and still I am doing -

 

Step 1:

Dont give him what needs. Sex, emotional support, long chats, gifts, love, friendship whatever it is that he gets from you - stop it, right now!!!

 

You will miss him and feel sad maybe you will cry on ending something which obviously you were enjoying but you will win back the most important thing - YOUR DIGNITY. You will no longer be the hidden other woman. Believe me there is no feeling better than that coz you are supposed to be the one and only for some guy... not someone on the side who lives on crumbs..!!

 

Step 2:

Stick to it.

 

Just do this for 2-3 weeks babe and you will be on your way to freedom.

[AngeliqueC]

After 20+ years as the OW, let me tell you an A is not the relationship you want to start in your 30's (as I did). I'm in my fifties now, I gave up opportunities to have the larger family (more children) that I wanted because of the A, I gave up career opportunities to have closer proximity to him and similar work hours, I gave up friendships because I couldn't put my girlfriends in the position of supporting a "home wrecking" friend....the list is staggering.

 

And here I am, still in it and he is nearly 70 years old and no closer to a "real" relationship with me than twenty four years ago. But this is my life now; this is the choice I make every day.

 

Is this how you want to live? Having to be guarded with the few friends you still have once they find out you're seeing a MM, having your whole life arranged for his schedule - which is subject to changing on his wife's whims, secretive phone calls in the middle of the night, finding out you are "John Smith" in his contact list, having to be quiet as a mouse while he takes a call from his wife and listen to him speak to her in loving tones and say "love you too" to her....really? You WANT this??? WHY????

 

Get a new job - preferably in a new town. Get off the social media that he is on (block him if you keep using it) and get on a reputable dating site and date single men, if you must date. Get involved in your community activities that will bring you in contact with other singles with similar interest - if you meet married men, tell them explicitly that you would love to meet their wives and hope their wife can help you find a wonderful single man.

 

Run toward a real future - while running away from the A abyss.

 

It's too late for me. But you're young and you can run. You're not in too deep yet.

[winny]

 

It's too late for me. But you're young and you can run. You're not in too deep yet.

 

:(

 

I dont know what to say... but this post is a lesson and reality check for those who are blindly falling for a married guy's charms.

[Poppy47]

Another thing to remember about the full on contact and then getting distant is that you are filling a gap in his life. When W is busy working, tending to child, house, out with friends, you are the fall back girl. When she is giving him what he wants- attention, affection, you go back in your box.

Someone here described this as feeling like a tool, when he wants to use you he will do and say whatever is needed to get you out the box and available, when he's done using you and has another tool right there with him you are placed back in the box.

Do you want this for yourself? Would you use your friends this way? Would you allow yourself to be used this way by anyone else?

 

xMM used to say I was like a little doll because of my petite stature. I said to him once that's how I felt. Like a toy.

[Poppy47]

After 20+ years as the OW, let me tell you an A is not the relationship you want to start in your 30's (as I did). I'm in my fifties now, I gave up opportunities to have the larger family (more children) that I wanted because of the A, I gave up career opportunities to have closer proximity to him and similar work hours, I gave up friendships because I couldn't put my girlfriends in the position of supporting a "home wrecking" friend....the list is staggering.

 

And here I am, still in it and he is nearly 70 years old and no closer to a "real" relationship with me than twenty four years ago. But this is my life now; this is the choice I make every day.

 

Is this how you want to live? Having to be guarded with the few friends you still have once they find out you're seeing a MM, having your whole life arranged for his schedule - which is subject to changing on his wife's whims, secretive phone calls in the middle of the night, finding out you are "John Smith" in his contact list, having to be quiet as a mouse while he takes a call from his wife and listen to him speak to her in loving tones and say "love you too" to her....really? You WANT this??? WHY????

 

Get a new job - preferably in a new town. Get off the social media that he is on (block him if you keep using it) and get on a reputable dating site and date single men, if you must date. Get involved in your community activities that will bring you in contact with other singles with similar interest - if you meet married men, tell them explicitly that you would love to meet their wives and hope their wife can help you find a wonderful single man.

 

Run toward a real future - while running away from the A abyss.

 

It's too late for me. But you're young and you can run. You're not in too deep yet.

 

Well said Angelique!

 

My epiphany came recently after 8 years. I could suddenly see myself in my seventies and it wasn't someone I wished to be. I walked away towards a better life, even alone, it must be better.

 

It's a famliar story. My world was shattered by the death of my late husband and xMM so very cleverly gave support. I got stuck for a long time.

 

I agree with all you said.

 

Being in an A limited the choices I made about friendships, time spent with family. I denied myself the opportunity of meeting a new partner.

HOpefully it isn't to rectify all the mistakes I made.

 

An A becomes a lifestyle and the abnormal gradually becomes normal. Angelique, your story is one of the saddest I have read here.

 

Yours is a cautionary tale that everyone contemplating an A should heed.

 

Warm wishes,

Poppy.

[shruti789]

He KNOWS you are attracted to him and have feelings. What an ego stroke for him.

 

This is a big game for him. You are a game to play and win.

 

That is all.

 

And you are playing the game with him.

 

Guess who is going to win if you keep playing?

 

yes, i feel he knows/suspects that i have feelings for him... he asked .. i said no... i didn't want to admit... i guess i knew in my mind that if i accepted this would have gotten more serious..

[shruti789]

You see him on FB and SnapChat? BLOCK! That is the first step towards getting him out of your head: Don't watch his social media. If you can't see him, the desire won't be as prevalent.

 

The second thing is to stop all the communication you two have that is not work related. All you have to do is state emphatically, "This has gone further than it ever should and I am putting a stop to it immediately." And stick to it!

 

If all this desire for him is more than you can bear, than it is time to get a new job.

 

FB and whatsapp.... i can not block him in FB because his page has a lot of photos of work related events and if i block him, when others talk about those and ask if i saw them, i will have to tell my friends that i blocked him, i am afraid of that as it will start a lot of rumors...

 

on whatsapp i can block him, i will have to face the confrontation... what if he says "are you crazy? i only treated you as a friend".......

[shruti789]

Another thing to remember about the full on contact and then getting distant is that you are filling a gap in his life. When W is busy working, tending to child, house, out with friends, you are the fall back girl. When she is giving him what he wants- attention, affection, you go back in your box.

Someone here described this as feeling like a tool, when he wants to use you he will do and say whatever is needed to get you out the box and available, when he's done using you and has another tool right there with him you are placed back in the box.

Do you want this for yourself? Would you use your friends this way? Would you allow yourself to be used this way by anyone else?

 

 

THIS hit me hard.

[shruti789]

I feel aware.... awake.... after reading these replies and other threads... I always thought he is innocent, he has no intention of an affair, he is just being friendly.... now after reading all these, i feel he is not so innocent after all...

 

 

another thing, he behaves like he is the perfect husband, so i thought he would never want an affair, he tells me when he goes out to dinner/shopping/movies with his wife.

[winny]

FB and whatsapp.... i can not block him in FB because his page has a lot of photos of work related events and if i block him, when others talk about those and ask if i saw them, i will have to tell my friends that i blocked him, i am afraid of that as it will start a lot of rumors...

 

on whatsapp i can block him, i will have to face the confrontation... what if he says "are you crazy? i only treated you as a friend".......

 

Excuse - in bold.

You are not answerable to anyone. If someone asks you - you say - you didnt have the time to check. Thats it. Or just deactivate your Facebook account for a month or so till you move on.... its your life.... you are taking a bold and drastic step to save yourself... who cares about these friends n pictures n Facebook. I once deleted every common friend of the guy and me in my Facebook friends list when I wanted to get away from him. Yes those friends felt bad but when months later I was all good again and I explained them why I did what I did... they took me back lovingly....

[winny]

I feel aware.... awake.... after reading these replies and other threads... I always thought he is innocent, he has no intention of an affair, he is just being friendly.... now after reading all these, i feel he is not so innocent after all...

 

 

another thing, he behaves like he is the perfect husband, so i thought he would never want an affair, he tells me when he goes out to dinner/shopping/movies with his wife.

 

Has he ever invited you home to meet his wife?

[shruti789]

Has he ever invited you home to meet his wife?

 

never........

[Savannah2]

Don't mistake him telling you all the things he does with his wife shopping, movies, dates, as him being the perfect husband. Mine told me all about the personalized Valentine's Day card he made for his wife just 2 months before we started the affair. These men are good at knowing how to reel you in. He wants to seem like the guy who would never get caught up in an affair unless you were someone really special. See between the lines. It's all a game. The fact that he is still having date nights with his wife is reason enough to believe you really would just be a side piece. And trust me seeing date night pics of them on FB togetherjust days after you were physical with him will hurt you to your core.

 

It is not too late for you. Stop talking to him after work hours. That type of behavior and contact feeds affairs. You know you have a weakness for this guy , don't give it a chance to grow. If you can't find another job, then keep it to work talk only when you have contact at work. No small talk or going out of your way to see him. Cut it off at thd source now.

Edited August 1, 2016 by Savannah2
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[CarrieT]

i can not block him in FB because his page has a lot of photos of work related events and if i block him, when others talk about those and ask if i saw them, i will have to tell my friends that i blocked him, i am afraid of that as it will start a lot of rumors...

Ummmm... What Winny said.

 

You are making excuses because you are currently addicted to him. Seriously, does your work REALLY require you know about others' FB pages!?!? And *if* someone did ask you about them, all you have to reply is, "No, I missed those pictures - I'll have to take a look..." or something equally lame.

 

on whatsapp i can block him, i will have to face the confrontation... what if he says "are you crazy? i only treated you as a friend".......

Who cares what he says at this point? Why do you feel there has to be a confrontation at all? It is just getting down to the fact that you know he has been grooming you. He hasn't treated you as a "friend" at all. You can still be polite and maintain dignity, but you know there is no reason to communicate with someone the way you have been who has a wife.

[BuddyX]

So you're saying if you don't check FB you'll loose your job? Really?