Messed up Affair

[Englishman]

Hi All,

1st time blogger and I’m not looking for validation just looking for encouragement to stick with NC rule.

I’ve been married to my wife who’s wonderful, supportive, funny and kind for 9 years we have a 6 year old son together and I have two older children 18 & 19 from a previous marriage (good relationship with kid and ex wife)

I should have the perfect life apart from I have been having on on off affair with another women for 11 years. She got married 8 years ago.

So yes we were having a relationship together before we both got married and you don’t have to be a genius to work out that we both shouldn’t have got married whilst you’re having an affair.

The first 8 years we both (me and OW) rationalized the affair as just physical as we both have very high sex drives and we thought of each other as friend with benefits! And we easily stopped the relationship whilst we both had children OW now has two children with her husband there not mine as I had a vasectomy many years ago and our child is an IVF baby.

However things changed three years ago and out of nowhere the OW confessed to having deeper feelings for me, at first I was shocked but soon realised that I was also in love with OW as well as my wife.

We both knew OW and myself that we would never want to leave our spouses and we would just have to manage the situation, both regretting what we were doing, regretting getting married and regretting that we didn’t talk about our feelings for each other years ago so perhaps we wouldn’t be in this mess.

It doesn’t help that we live very close to each other and our respective 6 year olds are in the same class at school.

There hasn’t been a day in the past three years that I haven’t gone to bed at night swearing that we have to stop the relationship but the addiction has been two strong.

However there was a big change in early May when OW told me she was pregnant by her husband, we were both devastated by the news but she did ask me if I wanted her to have a termination but I felt that was not a question for me to answer.

 

We carried on the relationship for a few more months and if anything it became more intense probably as we knew we really did have to end things forever

So here I am in a NC mode for over 10 days and every day hurts. I know what we have done to our families is awful and I’m trying to re-engage fully with my wife and family, but boy do I miss OW and its breaking my heart to have no contact bit I also know it’s the only answer.

[Poppy47]

I suggest neither one of you was ever fully engaged in your marriages.

 

Why on earth should she ask you if you wanted her to terminate? I have heard everything now. MOW needs your permission to have her husband's child? Seriously.

 

This is so warped.

 

Please stay NC. Just get away from each other.

 

Poppy.

[Englishman]

I think she only asked me as she saw how upset I was, and I know she would never have gone through with it.

I guess she only asked as she knew I'd say no.

[Sabella]

Hi,

it's going to be a bit of rough road ahead for you to keep NC, since you live so close and your children attend the same school. I think the best tactic for you, as it was for me, is to take it a day at a time. Time IS your best friend in this situation, but when your mind starts to think in terms or never having contact with them, it gets to be too much. Those are the times you really want to cave.

 

I would keep in mind during the down times, to also think of all the *****ty things the A caused. It's really easy, when feeling sad, just to remember the good parts of the A, and to romanticise her and how you felt.

 

It's true what Poppy said, your attention was completely divided during your whole marriage. Take that energy you lavished on ow and put it towards your family. You might be suprised at the results.

 

Also think of the end game if you had kept the A going. Realistically, it would never play out in any positive way, for either of you.

 

NC, is tough. It's a process, and a painful one at that. But it's really the only way to get some clairity over the situation and to remove the rose colored glasses from your eyes. There will be days that are easier than others and days when it feels unbearable. Don't drop your guard during the easy days though. The saying "two steps forward, one step back" certainly applies here. I've noticed that pattern with myself.

 

I don't count my NC days/weeks as I don't want to give it that much thought, that much power. I focus on living a more authentic life and what that will feel like. To be free of lies and deciet... that just ate at my soul and made me feel horrid about myself. It colored everything.

 

I wish you nothing but luck in moving forward!

[Ronnie33]

Were you guys single when you met? Or were you both dating your now spouses?

 

Im curious as to why you both didn't try to have a real relationship before you committed to marriage?

[Englishman]

Thanks Sabella,

It really is hard especially as we haven't fallen out but just we know that we need to do the right thing at long last, especially for ow as she now needs to concentrate on her baby and family.

I nearly gave in today, I drove to where she worked knowing she would be on her own but I stopped myself at last minute because whatever was said would just give me another reason to contact again next week or next day and she sure doesn't need me complicating an already complicated and F***** situation .

Thanks again

[CarrieT]

Tell your wife.

 

The easiest and fastest way to end something is to have it exposed.

 

Give your wife the opportunity to decide if she wants to continue in a sham marriage.

[Englishman]

Hi Ronnie33

We were both dating our new spouses, why we didn't either stop the A or stop our relationship with now spouses is one of the questions we've never stopped asking ourselves.

Probably because we never told each other how we felt about each other and also because we were both damn cowards and didn't have the courage to end our relationships with now spouses

Oh well..

[Ronnie33]

Hi Ronnie33

We were both dating our new spouses, why we didn't either stop the A or stop our relationship with now spouses is one of the questions we've never stopped asking ourselves.

Probably because we never told each other how we felt about each other and also because we were both damn cowards and didn't have the courage to end our relationships with now spouses

Oh well..

 

I have been in a three year affair with a former coworker. I was married when it started and he was dating someone. Now I'm divorcing and he's getting soon.

He loves her and would never leave her for me now and I couldn't leave my husband when he wanted me to years ago. So here we are. It has to end though, I know he'll continue it after he's married. He said at first he wanted to stop when he got married but now that his wedding is getting close he says he doesn't want to stop. These things become so hard to stop, it really is an addiction. We have tried many times to stop but always go back. I know how hard it is. I want to move in though, it's just hurts more now. Try and stay strong, talking to her only leads you both back to pain.

[Sabella]

Thanks Sabella,

It really is hard especially as we haven't fallen out but just we know that we need to do the right thing at long last, especially for ow as she now needs to concentrate on her baby and family.

I nearly gave in today, I drove to where she worked knowing she would be on her own but I stopped myself at last minute because whatever was said would just give me another reason to contact again next week or next day and she sure doesn't need me complicating an already complicated and F***** situation .

Thanks again

 

I know it's hard. My exAP and I didn't have a huge fight or anything to end things either.

 

Maybe the part I bolded in your post needs to become your personal mantra, to keep you on track. It's a quick and slippery slope falling back into the A. Takes just a simple, "I miss you" or "just wanted to see how you were doing?" The fact is, you will both miss each other, and you will both have moments when you aren't doing well at all. No need to confirm any of this, no need for an excuse to open up a dialog. All that does is crack the door open. Get some time-distance between you and her. Find new hobbies to keep yourself busy. Find new outdoor adventures to have with your family and learn to recconnect. Be present for those moments.

 

One of my biggest regrets of my A was the double life. Even when I tried to separate and spend time with my kids, there was a part of me wondering what he was doing or how he was doing. Losing the time and attention towards my kids will never be returned to me. Damn, they grow up fast too.

[Englishman]

Hoping that we can avoid meeting until the new school year starts and hopefully by then we can get some perspective.

[BuddyX]

So you married 2 wrong women? Ouch.

 

Time to man up my friend. Time to look in the mirror, and Stop this right now. Thinking about ending it every night does absolutely nothing.

 

One LS member said it best..Hint, major warning.

 

 

"Unless both of you are ready to leave your primary relationships on your own accord (not for each other), you will experience immeasurable, earth-shattering pain. I'm not trying to scare you. But one day she or you will disappear because your partners find out. She will treat you as if you are nothing, even beneath his contempt. You will experience the worst form of betrayal imaginable -- abandonment."

[Englishman]

I guess I'm finally doing the hard yards.

We started the A before we were both married and used to think well once I'm married that will make me/us stop... but I guess I didn't really try that hard, then she got married and I thought well this will finally mean the end and we can get back to our lives as they should be, but then.... we both started again..

We did mange to stop for two and a half years when AP was pregnant with her first.. but one look and a smile and bam we were back... then another break whilst she had her second and I thought that's it, no more lies, no more deceit and best of all no more guilt.. but a year and a half later... bam we're back... but this time It has to stop for the sake of our families and our own sanity.

 

The pain we've caused each other and the pain we will cause everyone else if we don't stop is too great

[Got it]

I guess I'm finally doing the hard yards.

We started the A before we were both married and used to think well once I'm married that will make me/us stop... but I guess I didn't really try that hard, then she got married and I thought well this will finally mean the end and we can get back to our lives as they should be, but then.... we both started again..

We did mange to stop for two and a half years when AP was pregnant with her first.. but one look and a smile and bam we were back... then another break whilst she had her second and I thought that's it, no more lies, no more deceit and best of all no more guilt.. but a year and a half later... bam we're back... but this time It has to stop for the sake of our families and our own sanity.

 

The pain we've caused each other and the pain we will cause everyone else if we don't stop is too great

 

So what do you want as the outcome? What is the scenario that is most desirable?

[Englishman]

Hi Got it.

Now that's a question

 

I guess I want not to feel this crushing sadness,

 

When I'm strong my desired outcome is we both move on (ow & me) put the guilt and shame behind us invest in our spouses and families and be thankful that are selfish deceit didn't hurt the innocent

 

But when I'm in the middle of the affair fog my mind wanders to the ideal solution being "maybe we can get back to where we were in the past few years?IE long term affair with someone that I think or at least thought I loved"

 

But that's the fog talking

 

I have to remember that in the middle of the affair I was often miserable either wracked with guilt about what I was doing or wracked with jealously about what she was doing.

[loveisanaction]

Hi Ronnie33

We were both dating our new spouses, why we didn't either stop the A or stop our relationship with now spouses is one of the questions we've never stopped asking ourselves.

Probably because we never told each other how we felt about each other and also because we were both damn cowards and didn't have the courage to end our relationships with now spouses

Oh well..

 

The both of you had a chance to be together when you both were single and your only reason for not being together was because neither of you knew how you felt about the other? Both of you had been having sex for years before then and neither of you thought to say "Hey, we're both single now, shouldn't we make this official?" Instead, you both got married to different people then continued having an affair?

 

I think agree with the poster who said to tell your wife.

 

You said it yourself that she's wonderful, supportive, funny and kind; qualities many men find attractive in a woman.

 

She is in a sham marriage, tell her so that she can make a better decision concerning her future, it's her life too.

[Cloudcuckoo]

I too fail to understand why you didn't commit to each other when you were both single, unless you were both afraid if you did the bubble would burst? Not a criticism, just an observation.

 

My heart just breaks for your poor, poor wife. Living in full knowledge of her devastation everyday if she stumbled on something between you and your other woman would simply crucify me.

 

It makes me nauseous to think about.

 

You know of course, that it would kill her inside, right? Her guts would turn over and over while her brain tried to comprehend the unthinkable...that the man who promised to take care of her has taken it upon himself to involve her in an open marriage without her consent.

 

That's without going near what all those children between you would think....

 

I'm inclined to agree that the only way you're likely to be successful in stopping this awful situation is to have the courage to tell your wife. That will put an end to your dilemma.

 

If your wife is the wonderful woman you say she is, don't you want her happiness? You must be big enough to give her the choice don't you think?

 

Believe me, telling her before she finds out for herself (and I do believe it doesn't matter how long that takes, it will come out eventually), will be such a kindness amongst all the s**t.

 

Wishing you all a brighter future.

 

Cuckoo

[Whoknew30]

Hi Got it.

Now that's a question

 

I guess I want not to feel this crushing sadness,

 

When I'm strong my desired outcome is we both move on (ow & me) put the guilt and shame behind us invest in our spouses and families and be thankful that are selfish deceit didn't hurt the innocent

 

But when I'm in the middle of the affair fog my mind wanders to the ideal solution being "maybe we can get back to where we were in the past few years?IE long term affair with someone that I think or at least thought I loved"

 

But that's the fog talking

 

I have to remember that in the middle of the affair I was often miserable either wracked with guilt about what I was doing or wracked with jealously about what she was doing.

 

 

You're no longer in A fog...after all this time, you must know what you really want, it's probably just everything else that comes with it...wife being hurt, kids knowing, whole life changing. I understand being scared but (being in a long term A myself) after a certain time & especially going so long without seeing each other & restarting, you're no longer in a fog, you consciously know what you're doing

[Englishman]

Hey loveisanaction & cloudcukoo

Not trying to justify my actions at all, but just to clarify when the A started we weren't married but were in "commited" relationships (I know it's a mockery of the word)

My affair partner had recently brought her first house with her now husband and I was a year and a half into my relationship with my now wife.

 

In the beginning we used to say to each other it was just about sex (again I'm not justifying anything we've done but just wanted to give the facts as I remember them"

 

We used to meet once or occasionally twice a week have wild "unattached" sex and then we'd have a break of maybe six months or maybe longer and then... we'd bump into each other in town and we'd be back where we started. But we really didn't speak about anything emotional in fact we used to make a point of saying that this was just a "Physical thing" and must not lead to any emotional attachment, but all the time the emotional attachment was growing.

 

I do know that it has to stop this time and forever, and that's why I've stated counselling, using this site for help in staying NC etc.

 

I never thought I'd be the type of man who would have an affair, and I often don't recognise myself as the man who was having an affair.

But good people can do bad things.

I've even come round to understanding how my first wife felt when she was in her Affair,she left me for OM and there still married and we all get on

 

12 days NC

[jenkins95]

NC is tough. It's a process, and a painful one at that. But it's really the only way to get some clairity over the situation and to remove the rose colored glasses from your eyes. There will be days that are easier than others and days when it feels unbearable. Don't drop your guard during the easy days though. The saying "two steps forward, one step back" certainly applies here. I've noticed that pattern with myself.

 

Outstanding post as ever from Sab. The bolded part - it's vital to grasp this point as you go into NC. Recovery is not linear, it moves in waves and cycles. You can have surprisingly good days quite early on, and yet months and months later, you can feel rock bottom. One of the most difficult, heart-breaking things I've had to deal with in recovery is allowing yourself to believe that you are well on the road to recovery and 'over the worst' after a few good days, only to wake up unexpectedly feeling terrible the next day - it is soul destroying.

 

When you have a good day, relax, enjoy the relief and try not to think too much. But above all, never lose sight of the fact that there will probably be bad days again. Equally when you feel so low that you can barely function, ride it out and know that it won't always be that bad. Often a change in a 24 hour period can be staggeringly dramatic. Brain chemistry I guess - we are very complex creatures!

 

A year into recovery, I am lucky enough to be in a position of having more good days than bad days..... But the bad days still come.... And they still hurt.

 

I wish you nothing but the best OP. Hang in there, keep strong and keep posting.

Edited August 2, 2016 by jenkins95

[jenkins95]

 

I never thought I'd be the type of man who would have an affair, and I often don't recognise myself as the man who was having an affair.

But good people can do bad things.

 

 

Yes, so many of us find ourselves saying this after the affair. It's almost impossible to imagine how we ever let it happen. I am exactly the same.

 

You certainly learn a lot about yourself and the nature of life through an experience like this. But what a horrible, tough, selfish way to learn lessons! Learning the hard way, as they say!

[jenkins95]

 

I know it's hard. My exAP and I didn't have a huge fight or anything to end things either.

 

Maybe the part I bolded in your post needs to become your personal mantra, to keep you on track. It's a quick and slippery slope falling back into the A. Takes just a simple, "I miss you" or "just wanted to see how you were doing?" The fact is, you will both miss each other, and you will both have moments when you aren't doing well at all. No need to confirm any of this, no need for an excuse to open up a dialog. All that does is crack the door open. Get some time-distance between you and her. Find new hobbies to keep yourself busy. Find new outdoor adventures to have with your family and learn to recconnect. Be present for those moments.

 

One of my biggest regrets of my A was the double life. Even when I tried to separate and spend time with my kids, there was a part of me wondering what he was doing or how he was doing. Losing the time and attention towards my kids will never be returned to me. Damn, they grow up fast too.

 

Wow Sab, you are such an amazing poster! I relate so much to almost everything you write. One of those 'stab to the heart' memories that often flashes into my mind was a time when my son was trying to show me something he had done that he was very proud of. I was nodding and saying 'yes' and 'no' in the right places, but I wasn't really there - I was thinking of my AP. I was suddenly aware of my son's disappointment in my disinterest and then he asked me why I was always on my phone with such a sad tone to his voice.

 

Yes, that one, along with many others, usually gets the tears following.

[Poppy47]

Outstanding post as ever from Sab. The bolded part - it's vital to grasp this point as you go into NC. Recovery is not linear, it moves in waves and cycles. You can have surprisingly good days quite early on, and yet months and months later, you can feel rock bottom. One of the most difficult, heart-breaking things I've had to deal with in recovery is allowing yourself to believe that you are well on the road to recovery and 'over the worst' after a few good days, only to wake up unexpectedly feeling terrible the next day - it is soul destroying.

 

When you have a good day, relax, enjoy the relief and try not to think too much. But above all, never lose sight of the fact that there will probably be bad days again. Equally when you feel so low that you can barely function, ride it out and know that it won't always be that bad. Often a change in a 24 hour period can be staggeringly dramatic. Brain chemistry I guess - we are very complex creatures!

 

 

A year into recovery, I am lucky enough to be in a position of having more good days than bad days..... But the bad days still come.... And they still hurt.

 

I wish you nothing but the best OP. Hang in there, keep strong and keep posting.

 

100 days NC for me yesterday. For no reason at all it was a wobbly day. I almost contacted xMM.

This morning I am so glad I didn't.

OP you can see that it isn't all linear as Jenkins said. It's a real struggle at times.

 

My best wishes also

Poppy.

[Englishman]

I always thought that as I headed towards middle age, life would get simpler without the turmoil of the past... what do I know??

well done on the 100 NC days.. Poppy

[ShatteredLady]

You're the one making it complicated! It doesn't have to be at all. Plenty of people fall in love, get married, have kids, work through life together....life!

 

Do you live near family? Would your wife happily move if you found a better job somewhere else? My heart bleeds for her. Her entire belief system & faith in love & family has been destroyed & she doesn't even know it yet!

 

You & your OW are so weak & conflict avoidant. That's why you're here. Do you believe that either of you actually have the strength to stop this?

 

Maybe moving away will force the change....