Messed up Affair

[ladydesigner]

You're the one making it complicated! It doesn't have to be at all. Plenty of people fall in love, get married, have kids, work through life together....life!

 

Do you live near family? Would your wife happily move if you found a better job somewhere else? My heart bleeds for her. Her entire belief system & faith in love & family has been destroyed & she doesn't even know it yet!

 

You & your OW are so weak & conflict avoidant. That's why you're here. Do you believe that either of you actually have the strength to stop this?

 

Maybe moving away will force the change....

 

Yep I think conflict avoidance is a major factor in having an A.

[Englishman]

To be honest we didn't even ever try before as we never really spoke so this is the first time we've consciously tried to make a break and agreed we can't go back.

 

All I know is that I do want to change, and I do want the life I should have

 

13 days NC

[aileD]

You need to move.

 

This will never work if you have to have your kids grow up together, see each other probably daily during the school year and what if your kids become best buddies and want to hang out?

 

NC should be NC for life for a reason.

 

If you are committed to your marriage, you need to find a way to move to another town, across town, whatever. This is never going to work if you don't.

 

Sorry if I'm being negative. But I'm just being truthful. You're deluding yourself if you think you can see her in the context of school every day and not start things up again. You have an 8 year history of not being able to stop.

[BuddyX]

I always thought that as I headed towards middle age, life would get simpler without the turmoil of the past... what do I know??

well done on the 100 NC days.. Poppy

 

It does get easier. You make it difficult.

"It's only about sex" say women who are about to get attached. You're a grown up, how did you not think there'll be no attachment.

 

Agree with the previous post, you need to move. And before you say "I can't", once your wife finds out you'll do anything and everything to protect her and your kids. Which includes throwing your OW under the bus and moving cross country.

[Englishman]

Thanks for advice, moving away difficult as wife's elderly parents recently moved to area to be closer to daughter.

So will just need to keep NC, when we do go back to school ow will be 5 months pregnant and there will be no danger of A

starting again.

The hard work will be in a year's time, but I'll continue my counselling, continue posting and continue remembering I can do better than this

[Cloudcuckoo]

Thanks for advice, moving away difficult as wife's elderly parents recently moved to area to be closer to daughter.

So will just need to keep NC, when we do go back to school ow will be 5 months pregnant and there will be no danger of A

starting again.

The hard work will be in a year's time, but I'll continue my counselling, continue posting and continue remembering I can do better than this

 

Englishman, I sincerely hope you're a man of your word and that you have the resolve to do the hard work ahead of you.

 

I still believe you'd be best finding the generosity, kindness and respect for your wife to be truthful with her.

 

Have the courage to face the possibility of HER choices.

 

You live in such close proximity to the other woman that I fear exposure at some point whether you are in the affair with her or not might be an inevitable cost.

 

Wishing you strength.

 

Cuckoo

[Englishman]

Just posting here to save contacting my married AP

This weekend was fine with NC, Monday was even better.

I met with my councillor yesterday and agreed that next week would be my last session with him for a while as we both felt that I had got as much from counselling as I could at the moment (9 weeks) but today I've woken up with a crushing urge to contact AP.

 

I know I shouldn't contact AP for more reasons that I can fit onto the whole of the internet! but the devil on my shoulder is saying "one email won't hurt, just one itsy bitsy email won't hurt anybody, just so you can be friends in the future"

But I know we cant be friends as when we've tried being friends in the past we've always ended up back in the Affair.

The difficulty is that we haven't had a falling out or a Dday but we just can't do this anymore, not for our own sakes and that of our families.

 

Thanks for listening

[Adoraxx]

Hi Englishman,

 

Whatever you do, make sure that you don't keep going back and forth between "I want contact" (and contact her) and "I don't want contact"(and stop contacting her). It's very stressful but I'm sure you know that... Our stories have a lot in common because I have also been in and out and in and out the A for many years.. On top of that he is my neighbor and we used to walk the kids to school together so I know how that goes. The kids are bigger now , and I still miss him like crazy and I'm going to move. My story in a nutshell . If you can move, I would advise you to move.... I know your xOW is pregnant with H's baby and I've been there too..... I know what it feels like and I can't really advise you on anything but I want to wish you MUCH strength!!! I know it's hard

[loveisanaction]

Englishman,

 

Your OW is pregnant with her husband's child; you really REALLY need to stay away. If you won't stay away for your wife and children's sake at least stay away for the sake of this unborn child and your other woman's husband.

 

Please stay away from this woman; give her husband a fighting chance to keep his family intact.

 

Every time you have a craving to contact her repeat to yourself that she is pregnant for her husband's baby.

[Englishman]

Loveisanaction

 

You're absolutely right

It helps reading responses, I mean it hurts when you read it in black and white just how messed up this is and how cruel we've both been to our families who've done nothing to deserve this.

I have never tried to justify what we've done and never will try.

Just need to stay away as does ow

Thanks again

[Cloudcuckoo]

Loveisanaction

 

You're absolutely right

It helps reading responses, I mean it hurts when you read it in black and white just how messed up this is and how cruel we've both been to our families who've done nothing to deserve this.

I have never tried to justify what we've done and never will try.

Just need to stay away as does ow

Thanks again

 

Cruelty is exactly what you're both subjecting two innocent families to.

 

Don't do it. There is no justification for it WHATSOEVER, but every time you consider contact, that is what you do. Justify your actions.

[Englishman]

Again thanks to all who have posted, it really does help, we both ap/me know the answer but it helps when other posters put it out there even though it hurts to read it.

The only thing I did want to say that between mAP and myself is that's was a 50/50 relationship (wrong in everyway) I never did the push/pull thing, lied about my home life or made promises that I didn't mean or couldn't deliver on.

Again this isn't easy to admit too but my exAP was the only person I was honest with.

Not sure why I'm trying to justify anything, as after all I'm just a cheat, but after reading post after post about married men in affairs, it wasn't like that with me.

It was wrong, but it felt real and it's over

[Chica80]

I'm curious as to why you are, ending IC? It seems like there are still things to work on?

[Englishman]

Hi the IC has been really useful particularly in the realisation that I've been in an affair fog / addiction and that took some weeks to get my head around

I guess the reason we're stopping for a while is that I realised that it was now down to me to do the hard yards of NC and the only hope of some resolution and even eventual absolution was to be home both physically and mentally.

I've got a session next week and if I need more he's always there, but I now just need to man up and do the right thing but if I start to waiver I'll be back asap.

I wasn't a bad person, just did a bad thing for a long time. What's worse as I was the BS in my first marriage and I know the hurt it caused and never thought I'd do the same (it was disclosed in IC)

[Chica80]

Hi the IC has been really useful particularly in the realisation that I've been in an affair fog / addiction and that took some weeks to get my head around

I guess the reason we're stopping for a while is that I realised that it was now down to me to do the hard yards of NC and the only hope of some resolution and even eventual absolution was to be home both physically and mentally.

I've got a session next week and if I need more he's always there, but I now just need to man up and do the right thing but if I start to waiver I'll be back asap.

I wasn't a bad person, just did a bad thing for a long time. What's worse as I was the BS in my first marriage and I know the hurt it caused and never thought I'd do the same (it was disclosed in IC)

 

 

I don't think you are a bad person at all...I just don't think you are a healthy person. No one in an A is. You sound from your post a bit like my MM.

 

Not everything in life is good or bad black and white.

[Lobe]

The only thing I did want to say that between mAP and myself is that's was a 50/50 relationship (wrong in everyway) I never did the push/pull thing, lied about my home life or made promises that I didn't mean or couldn't deliver on.

Again this isn't easy to admit too but my exAP was the only person I was honest with.

Not sure why I'm trying to justify anything, as after all I'm just a cheat, but after reading post after post about married men in affairs, it wasn't like that with me.

It was wrong, but it felt real and it's over

 

I'm going to get a little philosophical on you here. Bear with me.

 

My husband felt like his affair was "real" at the time and he felt like the promises he made were "real" at the time. Once the fog started lifting and he started seeing his xOW as a person and not a goddess upon the pedestal where he had propped her up he was able to see that while he believed it was real at the time, it was mostly in his head - a complex web of embellishments and omissions.

 

I'm assuming you didn't sit with your MW and say, "Oh gosh - you know, I really love my wife. We had such a great time last night making love and she gives the best blow jobs and I still get goosebumps when she tells me she loves me! How's your husband? Did you remember to tell him you love him before he left for work this morning? I'm going to teach you the way my wife gives blowjobs so you can give him a special treat tonight..." The kind of "honesty" my WH had with his xOW was more like this: "I felt guilty last night kissing my wife - I felt like I was cheating on you. Is that weird?" to which she responded predictable, "Oh no, sweetie - you shouldn't feel weird about that, she's your wife!" :sick:

 

So it might be true that you never outright "lied" to your MW but I am 100% sure there was all kinds of selective conversation on both your parts. Just because it's not an outright fabrication doesn't make omission or embellishment less of a "lie."

 

I sincerely hope that you are both able to understand what's at risk and move forward in your respective lives. The children deserve that much, the betrayed spouses deserve it, and once you start regaining the integrity and self-respect you've lost, perhaps you'll see that YOU deserve that too.

[Englishman]

Harsh to read.. but fair..

Of course I was only as honest as it suited me and I guess she (mAP) was only honest as it suited her.... the point I was trying to make was that that within the affair we were equally guilty and equally responsible for our actions.

I really didn't try and manipulate her anymore than she did me.

We were both adults who knew what we were doing, we didn't like it but but we didn't stop it either.

We both thought it was real... shame on us both but I really did believe it.

[Doublegold]

Sometimes it is real. Sometimes walking away from love is noble, or leaving a marriage--just like staying in a marriage after being betrayed is. Each poster comes to this forum with their own experiences. Obviously you and MW have chosen to continue a long term affair while building your own families. I can't imagine that, yet something draws you back to one another.

 

Stop apologizing to strangers about how you feel. Yes, you and MW have carried on a longterm affair and a lot of people could of gotten hurt. Right now you are that person who is hurt. I hope you can find your way through the hurt without anyone else getting hurt.

 

Life can be messy. Most of us on here have experienced that. Good luck, I know you are suffering and you have been honest here about that.

[Lobe]

Harsh to read.. but fair..

Of course I was only as honest as it suited me and I guess she (mAP) was only honest as it suited her.... the point I was trying to make was that that within the affair we were equally guilty and equally responsible for our actions.

I really didn't try and manipulate her anymore than she did me.

We were both adults who knew what we were doing, we didn't like it but but we didn't stop it either.

We both thought it was real... shame on us both but I really did believe it.

 

You didn't have to manipulate her because she was a willing party. You guys commiserating and comforting each other through the guilt was a bonding exercise. Read that again. Let it sink in. You bonded not because you are special unique snowflakes that the magical universe decided to throw in each other's path with fairy dust and unicorn piss, but because you were being equally responsible for making selfish and thoughtless choices, which on some level is something akin to a mix of honour amoung thieves and mutual deterrence. Even serial killers have been known to bond while killing together...

 

Affair bubbles are made of kevlar - they are impossibly difficult to pop without something catastrophic occurring, which is why affairs often end after d-day. Without a d-day to help you check your reality - seeing the pain you cause your spouse, the anguish, the terror, the loss of respect and trust, their whole world being shattered - you're going to have to find your own means of popping it or the next time opportunity presents itself you'll be right back where you started.

 

There are times when I wish that my husband had ended the affair, recommitted to me, and we lived happily ever after but I've also read where people find out years later and it's no less devastating. Since I know about his affair, though, I often wish that he had come to me and told me about it, and said that he had ended it and was telling me because he realized he loved me too much to risk losing me. Instead, I'm left wondering if it was only because I caught him that the A ended. Maybe it would still be going on or maybe he would have left me for her by now, and it doesn't matter how many times he apologizes and assures me that he is happy to be home I will never again have that feeling of absolute security I had before he betrayed us.

 

I respect that you are trying to move on, but it is going to take more fortitude than you can imagine to stay in NC and not bring the world crashing down around your BSs' ears. Keep going to counselling to find out why you felt entitled to have an affair. Generally, waywards are in love with how the AP makes them feel - young, sexy, smart, admired, respected, whatever - so your job is to find out how to make what you saw reflected in your MW's eyes be reflected in your wife's. Since you have not said your marriage was sh*tty, every single time you start to pine for xMW, turn your thoughts back to your wife - how thoughtful and funny she is, what a great cook she is, how secure and loved she makes you feel, how good of a Mom she is, how faithful she is. Every time you think of texting something sexy or sweet to your xMW, sent a sexy or sweet note to your wife.

 

And if there is any way humanly possible to MOVE then you should MOVE - make a clean break and give your kids, yourself, and your wife the space you need to salvage your marriage.

 

Again, good luck. I'm sending you strength.

Edited August 9, 2016 by Lobe
typos, gramma...

[Chica80]

Sometimes it is real. Sometimes walking away from love is noble, or leaving a marriage--just like staying in a marriage after being betrayed is. Each poster comes to this forum with their own experiences. Obviously you and MW have chosen to continue a long term affair while building your own families. I can't imagine that, yet something draws you back to one another.

 

Stop apologizing to strangers about how you feel. Yes, you and MW have carried on a longterm affair and a lot of people could of gotten hurt. Right now you are that person who is hurt. I hope you can find your way through the hurt without anyone else getting hurt.

 

Life can be messy. Most of us on here have experienced that. Good luck, I know you are suffering and you have been honest here about that.

 

 

I agree.....only you and AP will know is it real what is true. A MOW will tell you what is true based on her experience. A BS will tell you what is true based on their experience. And everyone who has been hurt or affected in some way by an affair will tell you what is true or real based on THEIR experience.....

 

 

But that doesn't really matter. What matters what is true is that you are hurting everyone around you. Your spouse yourself your children and AP. No one is absolved of the pain and the damage. That is true. Your marriage can be so much more than what it is, but it's never been given the true potential to be what it could be. If you stop!! Stop hurting yourself stop hurting eachother.

[Jemima1234]

I totally feel your pain. I also don't think you need to apologise here- I know well enough from my situation how difficult this all is.

 

Can I ask you- how is your marriage? Do you love your wife too? Have you ever considered leaving her and starting fresh or are you still committed to the marriage? Hope you don't mind me asking

[Lobe]

Stop hurting yourself stop hurting each other.

 

I agree there's no point in apologizing for what you feel, but stop doing the things you are apologizing for and you will stop the pain. May you dig deep and find your resolve.

[Lobe]

Can I ask you- how is your marriage? Do you love your wife too? Have you ever considered leaving her and starting fresh or are you still committed to the marriage? Hope you don't mind me asking

 

OP has said neither of them has ever stopped being with their respective BSs, which is apparently true as his AP is pregnant by her husband, though considering she offered to terminate I wonder if she was ready to leave her husband and start up with him if he had said yes, terminate, let's run away and be together since we both regret getting married...

 

I’ve been married to my wife who’s wonderful, supportive, funny and kind for 9 years we have a 6 year old son together and I have two older children 18 & 19 from a previous marriage (good relationship with kid and ex wife)

 

I should have the perfect life apart from I have been having on on off affair with another women for 11 years. She got married 8 years ago.

 

The first 8 years we both (me and OW) rationalized the affair as just physical as we both have very high sex drives and we thought of each other as friend with benefits!

 

However things changed three years ago and out of nowhere the OW confessed to having deeper feelings for me, at first I was shocked but soon realised that I was also in love with OW as well as my wife.

 

We both knew OW and myself that we would never want to leave our spouses and we would just have to manage the situation, both regretting what we were doing, regretting getting married and regretting that we didn’t talk about our feelings for each other years ago so perhaps we wouldn’t be in this mess.

 

However there was a big change in early May when OW told me she was pregnant by her husband, we were both devastated by the news but she did ask me if I wanted her to have a termination but I felt that was not a question for me to answer.

[Englishman]

Hey all, Thanks for your observations and questions.

I’ll try and update you and clarify a few of them and be as honest as I’m able bearing in mind my thoughts and feelings are somewhat up in the air at the moment.

In relation to the infamous termination question this was one email during a very emotional flurry of emails and was more of a question of “did I want her to have a termination” not that she would if I asked her too.

I did ask her a few days later and AP said that she didn’t think that she would have ever really considered it and probably only asked as she knew I’d never ask her too.

Lobe:

You’re also correct:

Rationally I know were not special, nothing was written in the stars, we’re not bound to be together and she’s not my soulmate…… and it’s just the affair fog/addiction that makes us feel this way but knowing this rationally doesn’t make the feeling of loss or sadness go away and it still feels like it was real even if it was just in our Kevlar bubble.

The mad thing is that we never ever kidded ourselves on that one day we would be together, we never planned to leave our families (maybe when were in our 70’s we might have said) and we always knew that what we were feeling wasn’t based on reality. IE we weren’t dealing with the day to day pressures of work and family life, the washing, the lawns the annoying in laws etc but an idealised version of life: Affair sex, no nagging, every story was a new story, no resentments.

But just because we recognised the situation we still ended up with the same feelings.

I also know that long term Affairs rarely end without a D-day but we’re trying to think of AP pregnancy as our D-day (decision day) the day that we decided that we need to stop forever firstly for the sake of our families who deserve better but also because we deserve better of ourselves.

NC today has been easier

[Whoknew30]

Hey all, Thanks for your observations and questions.

I’ll try and update you and clarify a few of them and be as honest as I’m able bearing in mind my thoughts and feelings are somewhat up in the air at the moment.

In relation to the infamous termination question this was one email during a very emotional flurry of emails and was more of a question of “did I want her to have a termination” not that she would if I asked her too.

I did ask her a few days later and AP said that she didn’t think that she would have ever really considered it and probably only asked as she knew I’d never ask her too.

Lobe:

You’re also correct:

Rationally I know were not special, nothing was written in the stars, we’re not bound to be together and she’s not my soulmate…… and it’s just the affair fog/addiction that makes us feel this way but knowing this rationally doesn’t make the feeling of loss or sadness go away and it still feels like it was real even if it was just in our Kevlar bubble.

The mad thing is that we never ever kidded ourselves on that one day we would be together, we never planned to leave our families (maybe when were in our 70’s we might have said) and we always knew that what we were feeling wasn’t based on reality. IE we weren’t dealing with the day to day pressures of work and family life, the washing, the lawns the annoying in laws etc but an idealised version of life: Affair sex, no nagging, every story was a new story, no resentments.

But just because we recognised the situation we still ended up with the same feelings.

I also know that long term Affairs rarely end without a D-day but we’re trying to think of AP pregnancy as our D-day (decision day) the day that we decided that we need to stop forever firstly for the sake of our families who deserve better but also because we deserve better of ourselves.

NC today has been easier

 

 

 

I don't think you get the whole "fog" aspect. The fog is when you see no wrong, that you are soul mates & yada, yada, yada. You said you & her have talked for a while about how wrong it is & continuing to do it...that meant fog was longgg gone & you continued not bc you were in a fog but PLAINLY bc you wanted to.

 

Honestly, your last posts reads like you're just repeating advice vs actually taking it in. Like you're trying to make yourself believe what you're saying more so than really feel that way. It's really hard to heal that way (I tried it).

 

I'm not judging you (believe me) I just have been there. I had to come to the conclusion that I really did care for my OM, if I didn't admit that part to myself I would have never healed, it would have been another lie to myself. I'll always care for my OM not bc of a fog but bc i just will & same for him. I went to my priest through my A & he said something to me that really helped. "People can care for or love another person, the wrong part is acting in any way on it".

 

In life most of us have loved or cared for people before our spouse & bc it didn't work out it doesn't take away that we cared for another. Emotionally AP can be the same way (of course a BS doesn't want to hear it) but it's the truth, most people don't have long term A with people they never cared about. If you focus on the "I never cared" that's all you'll be stuck on & it turns into a wasteful power struggle within your own mind. You want your focus on you & why the A is wrong & how to heal & not ruin your family, more than... did you ever really care truly cares about her...wether or not if you did or didn't, isn't the important part bc either way you have your families & obligations to go back to...love doesn't conquer all & we can love different people in different ways.

 

It's your behavior that ultimately matters & choosing how you want to proceed & sticking with it to do the right thing for yourself & family. You're love for them doesn't go away bc of a bad decision & your caring for her wasn't fake bc it was the wrong situation.

 

The day I went NC, we went 7 years before we ran into each other & the first time I saw him took me back & we did talk for a moment. When I walked away I had a good feeling, I still cared for him enough to really be happy that he was doing well in life but a greater feeling that I could walk away & go home knowing that no matter if I still felt that way...I could go home & look at my family & know I did the right thing....it takes time but you'll get there...just keep the focus on healthy things...good luck