Messed up Affair

[ladydesigner]

Hey all, Thanks for your observations and questions.

I’ll try and update you and clarify a few of them and be as honest as I’m able bearing in mind my thoughts and feelings are somewhat up in the air at the moment.

In relation to the infamous termination question this was one email during a very emotional flurry of emails and was more of a question of “did I want her to have a termination” not that she would if I asked her too.

I did ask her a few days later and AP said that she didn’t think that she would have ever really considered it and probably only asked as she knew I’d never ask her too.

Lobe:

You’re also correct:

Rationally I know were not special, nothing was written in the stars, we’re not bound to be together and she’s not my soulmate…… and it’s just the affair fog/addiction that makes us feel this way but knowing this rationally doesn’t make the feeling of loss or sadness go away and it still feels like it was real even if it was just in our Kevlar bubble.

The mad thing is that we never ever kidded ourselves on that one day we would be together, we never planned to leave our families (maybe when were in our 70’s we might have said) and we always knew that what we were feeling wasn’t based on reality. IE we weren’t dealing with the day to day pressures of work and family life, the washing, the lawns the annoying in laws etc but an idealised version of life: Affair sex, no nagging, every story was a new story, no resentments.

But just because we recognised the situation we still ended up with the same feelings.

I also know that long term Affairs rarely end without a D-day but we’re trying to think of AP pregnancy as our D-day (decision day) the day that we decided that we need to stop forever firstly for the sake of our families who deserve better but also because we deserve better of ourselves.

NC today has been easier

 

I think NC becomes easier when you set a goal for what YOU really want. You decided you did not want the A. Good for you and I wish you the best of luck on your journey to healing. Just stay the course that you are reaching towards!

 

On the whole soul mate thing. Each person that I have had a deep connection with I thought was my soul mate. I personally believe that there are MANY people we can connect with.

[Englishman]

Really good post,

Of course I do still love AP I wish that wasn't true but fog or no fog the feelings are real or at least there real enough to hurt like hell.

I've still got to stop though as I really do know there is absolutely NO future in us together and that's real as well.

[Chica80]

I don't think you get the whole "fog" aspect. The fog is when you see no wrong, that you are soul mates & yada, yada, yada. You said you & her have talked for a while about how wrong it is & continuing to do it...that meant fog was longgg gone & you continued not bc you were in a fog but PLAINLY bc you wanted to.

 

Honestly, your last posts reads like you're just repeating advice vs actually taking it in. Like you're trying to make yourself believe what you're saying more so than really feel that way. It's really hard to heal that way (I tried it).

 

I'm not judging you (believe me) I just have been there. I had to come to the conclusion that I really did care for my OM, if I didn't admit that part to myself I would have never healed, it would have been another lie to myself. I'll always care for my OM not bc of a fog but bc i just will & same for him. I went to my priest through my A & he said something to me that really helped. "People can care for or love another person, the wrong part is acting in any way on it".

 

In life most of us have loved or cared for people before our spouse & bc it didn't work out it doesn't take away that we cared for another. Emotionally AP can be the same way (of course a BS doesn't want to hear it) but it's the truth, most people don't have long term A with people they never cared about. If you focus on the "I never cared" that's all you'll be stuck on & it turns into a wasteful power struggle within your own mind. You want your focus on you & why the A is wrong & how to heal & not ruin your family, more than... did you ever really care truly cares about her...wether or not if you did or didn't, isn't the important part bc either way you have your families & obligations to go back to...love doesn't conquer all & we can love different people in different ways.

 

It's your behavior that ultimately matters & choosing how you want to proceed & sticking with it to do the right thing for yourself & family. You're love for them doesn't go away bc of a bad decision & your caring for her wasn't fake bc it was the wrong situation.

 

The day I went NC, we went 7 years before we ran into each other & the first time I saw him took me back & we did talk for a moment. When I walked away I had a good feeling, I still cared for him enough to really be happy that he was doing well in life but a greater feeling that I could walk away & go home knowing that no matter if I still felt that way...I could go home & look at my family & know I did the right thing....it takes time but you'll get there...just keep the focus on healthy things...good luck

 

I like your post it resonates so much.

 

My therapist told me once, a similar thing as your priest. Once love is created it is there. The love is there so focus it on something else...

[jenkins95]

Some truly great advice on this thread - lobe, DG, sunshine, and many more. This is great stuff, exactly what the OP should be reading.

 

Big ((((man hug)))) from one Englishman in NC to another.

 

Stay the course Englishman - it is horrible for a long time, but be strong. You should notice after three months that not every waking second of your life is spent thinking about the xOW/affair. Sorry I can't say anything more positive than that, but it would be unrealistic to suggest that is anything other than brutal.

 

After six months, you should feel decidedly on the road to recovery, and who knows, after a year, you may almost be back to your old self again.

 

Any breach of NC, however seemingly insignificant, will set you back hard - fact. She has to be completely and permanently deleted from your world, horrible though that sounds - it is the best for her too.

 

Keep posting, you will get there. I've been there too, I know what it's like. Stay the course and you can do it! Take your life back and let her have hers.

 

I wish you nothing but the best. J

[Lobe]

"People can care for or love another person, the wrong part is acting in any way on it"

 

This. Exactly precisely 100% this. Affairs aren't involuntary reflexes that result from being attracted to other people (no one would ever be faithful) and participants are not helpless animals incapable of controlling their urges (that's called rape). Any attempt to claim otherwise is simply wishful thinking. Shake it off, Englishman. You're headed in the right direction. Shake it off.

[Englishman]

Hi on day 11 of NC and really struggling today.

 

The devil on my shoulder is telling me to reach out and just say "Hi, are you OK?"

 

But I know that although contact will give me a brief respite from the pain it will only be harder on us both in the long run.

 

It's particularly hard as we both knew that we would never have had the fortitude or real desire (wrong but true) to end affair without a significant outside event to make us stop. Luckily for us it's not been the Dday but it's still really hard to do the right thing.

[NTV]

is this the hardest thing you've done in your life? if not, what is? (rhetorical-self answer)

[loveisanaction]

Hi on day 11 of NC and really struggling today.

 

The devil on my shoulder is telling me to reach out and just say "Hi, are you OK?"

 

But I know that although contact will give me a brief respite from the pain it will only be harder on us both in the long run.

 

It's particularly hard as we both knew that we would never have had the fortitude or real desire (wrong but true) to end affair without a significant outside event to make us stop. Luckily for us it's not been the Dday but it's still really hard to do the right thing.

 

Don't go there hon.

 

It's not your responsibility to make sure that she is okay; that's her husband's job. She is PREGNANT with her husband's baby. Stop this!

 

You have a wife...check on her and make sure that she is okay.

[Englishman]

Hey NYC

This isn't the hardest thing I've dealt with, that was when my first wife left me for another married man, taking my two sons with her!!! ( the irony would be funney if it didn't hurt so much)

Loveisanaction

Of course your right it's not up to me to worry about mOW and I have a wife who I should be caring for first and foremost but I'm still struggling but I haven't reached out and I won't

Ps

mOW broke last NC!!