My latest bombshell

[DanH]

It's been a week or so since I last posted here...

 

And as usual with every passing week I have a new bombshell to survive.

 

During the break up my fiancee told me very, very little and what she did was vague. Looking back the whole conduct was cowardly. Maybe we've all been guilty of that at some point I agree. But 3 months before our wedding, I still think I deserved more.

 

Not only have I come to accept the man she left me for but says she didn;t exists. But now I know his name etc. and have seen pictures through social media.

 

My wife to be/ex is 38 and I'm 43. We have been together nearly 7 years during which time I've helped raise her 3 children (by different Dads since 2000) With the littlest one being very much "ours" as she was barely a year old when we started.

 

Her new man is around 30. At the oldest. Looks even younger. Now, I'm pleased to say that usually I don't look my age (when I'm not suffering from sleep deprivation and lack of appetite) but this news has made me feel old for the very first time in my life.

 

Age is but a number, many will say. And there is truth in that I concede. But obviously whatever else this man can be, he's not the stepdad figure. Seems she has no use for me... or a guy like me anymore now the older two have reached later teens with own lives. She knows I wil take out little one, as her "dad" so my ex and new man can go out to clubs and such. The very same clubs she used to tell me she was too old for, and the kind of social life we COULDN'T have because of child care availability.

 

I just feel used up and spat out. As well as old.

 

On top of this, I've found out he works at the social club not far from my home. Which is where she's been going to her Salsa dancing night all year. She's done Salsa off and on for over 10 years. But they moved the venue this year to this new club. And their new staff, obviously.

 

I'll be honest with you guys here I was very uncomfortable with this for a time. As not only are some of the dances quite "intimate", but it was meeting someone through Salsa dance nights which caused the break up of her first marriage in 2006.

...still, I trusted her. And over these years I have stayed in with the kids, doing supper, bed times, chores and homework etc with them whilst my ex had a night catching up with her friends. A deserved night to herself, I'd come to see it as.

 

...now I'm sick to the stomach that my doing this enabled her to meet this man. Which seems to have led to the cancellation of our wedding, the end of "us" and now as weeks go on a gradual loss of contact with the very children I've tried to treat as my own.

 

 

I've relapsed, depression wise since this news. Apparently it's a casual relationship theyre in. seeing eachother just twice a week, for nights out and sex. I'm not sure whether thats better or worse than betraying me for something more substantial.

 

I love my ex and her kids. Over the last two weeks I've been gradually trying to rebuild myself, to attempt reconciliation. And yes, I did consider purchasing a "get your ex back program"... I still am.

After following some online advice from one of them, I was finally being able to get her on the phone talking and laughing with me to the point last week where she was considering meeting up with me for an hour one afternoon. No pressure/not a date etc.

 

Am I totally crazy?

...I know 3-4 people who have got their partners back from affairs and such similar rebounds/flings.

 

Or...should I really do what people are telling me?

Spare myself the pain of any contact at all, and give up on the child I've raised. Who calls me "Daddy Dan"....?

 

I hope you are all making it through your problems and challenges the best you can. I don't think I'm handling mine well at all.

best wishes

[LostOnes05]

I'm sorry for what you're going through Dan. It's a tough pill to swallow. But here's a reality check. Why would you want some that would cheat on you and be so callous in doing so? Why would you want to raise HER children? You're not a babysitter. If she is no longer with you, the children are not your responsibility. Her previous marriage ended because of the same thing. So obviously, she is a cheater and doesn't put much thought into being in a committed relationship...3 months from marriage.

 

Is this a punch to the gut?...sure. But for the sake of your sanity and self-respect, do not contact her, be her babysitter, or let her come weaseling back if things don't work out with Don Juan. If she can go out to salsa clubs, surely she can pay to make arrangements for HER daughter. Despite what you may feel about the children, this is their mother's doing. She removed you from their life, so act accordingly.

 

I've learned quite a few lessons in the past few years. One of the main ones is to use their past behavior as a predictor of future behavior. If she cheated on her last husband, what made you think you'd be any different? When a woman says she's out with a male friend that you've never met or feel uncomfortable about, address it then and there. If she doesn't change...drop her. Why? Because some women will test your boundaries and eventually stomp all over them if you let things go, or don't dump them.

 

You can't possibly want this woman back. Aside from cheating, she has left you 3 months before the wedding. Don't be one of these guys that gets cheated on and would do anything to get her back. You will lose all kinds of respect for yourself. Her cheating is her problem and anything that results from that. Walk away with your head held high. Be strong my friend!!

[ExpatInItaly]

This woman has a history of infidelity. It's a pattern that still exists now. Why on earth would you want her back? The probability of that happening again is very high.

 

Also, how do you know all of this about her new man and their relationship? Where are you getting this information? You are tormenting yourself with these details and looking at his pictures on social media.

 

This woman doesn't respect you and didn't want to marry you. A "get-your-ex-back" program is going to be an utter waste of your money, because it won't address her problems with deception and disloyalty. She has broken the very core of your relationship by betraying your trust; she knew what she was doing and chose to walk away.

 

You would be far better off to go No Contact, as hard as that will be. But you know what would be harder? Reconciling with someone who sees you as an option and not a priority.

[DanH]

Thankyou both for your replies, and the moderation team for putting this into it's own thread....

 

Just to answer a couple of your questions...

 

I found out what little details I have, not through my ex but members of her family who are very concerned for my well being. I think they thought by telling me this it may make me feel better somehow.

 

My ex doesn't view herself as a cheat. certainly in this instance.

As she told me it was over before sleeping with this man she says she did nothing morally wrong. I know many people do share this view, but I know how she would've reacted had I done that same to her. And how it would be classified.

 

Also, at the time she told me it was over she did continue to meet with me and talk things through for a good week or so. It would be another two weeks after this until I found out the other man even existed.

And another 2 week after that until she would admit that they'd met prior to her splitting with me. So it's been very much dripped through to me.

 

She has always denied to me cheating on her first husband, to be fair to her. I took that at face value. However 3 members of her family have, over the last three years in isolation confided to me that she did in fact cheat. For several months. With the man who is the biological father of the girl who calls me Dad, and who did a disappearing act very fast. Obviously I am now leaning towards believing these 3 family members.

 

I believe in this instance ( I say again... just believe) she was forced into revealing so many weeks, maybe months, before intending to.

After out daughter came down from bed with a tummy ache and found the man sat with her Mother on the sofa.

 

So yes, I agree with both your comments. If anyone was telling me my story,I'd say the same. I'm just so very, very lonely. Jealous. Confused and missing my "best friend" and the person I though I would share the rest of my life with.

 

Again, thanks so so much for your beautifully worded and considerate advice.

[DanH]

I think another reason I feel so determined to win her back is because I feel somehow I drove her away. I knew she was stressed out about the wedding. We'd have trouble getting all the money together, particularly my half. Though I did get it, several months in advance it was touch and go.

 

Also I was hand making our invitations (I'm an artist and designer) I knew she wanted them out ASAP, but I couldn't get them finished until a couple of weeks later. I just wanted them to be perfect, you know? It was still nearly 4 months from the wedding date when I finished them. but she told me she'd been sick of waiting. That it was all my own fault. All this pain I'm in now, all my own doing.

very hard to live with.

[burnt]

I think another reason I feel so determined to win her back is because I feel somehow I drove her away. I knew she was stressed out about the wedding. We'd have trouble getting all the money together, particularly my half. Though I did get it, several months in advance it was touch and go.

 

Also I was hand making our invitations (I'm an artist and designer) I knew she wanted them out ASAP, but I couldn't get them finished until a couple of weeks later. I just wanted them to be perfect, you know? It was still nearly 4 months from the wedding date when I finished them. but she told me she'd been sick of waiting. That it was all my own fault. All this pain I'm in now, all my own doing.

very hard to live with.

 

She loved you very much. From the bottom of her hearts. She cared about you very much. But YOU screwed it all up. It's just that you are so sloppy and slow and utterly incompetent at making the wedding invitations. Instead of manufacturing them ASAP as she demanded, you decided to make them perfect. What is wrong with you? Why on earth would any woman want to marry a man who can't manufacture cards on demand? Of course she left you. You deserve it. It's all your fault. You are one that's messed up here, not her. ONLY if you could work harder, only if you could be good enough a man to make those wedding cards a little bit faster.

 

Please read what I just wrote above a few times. Does that make any sense? Right now I'm sure that's how your mind is (dysfunctionally) processing things.

 

Your mind is looking for reasons--any reason, however absurd it might be to make sense of how it could be possible that after all that you have done, she could possibly treat you the way she did.

 

A woman doesn't leave her fiancé because he didn't supply some cards on time. You are not her employee. For heavens sakes, any woman who truly loves you would be utterly happy that you took your time and passion and hand crafted EACH AND EVERY card for her wedding.

 

Not a single of her actions as you described says that she ever loved you in the first place. You were her baby-sitter, her house nanny, and her personal butler.

 

Have you ever woken up in the middle of the night and turned on the light and screamed at how painfully bright the light was and all you wanted was to go back to the dark? Your eyes get so accustomed to the darkness that light seems abnormal. You have been staying with this woman in this dysfunctional and emotionally abusive relationship for so long that a life without her sounds impossible to your mind at this point, even though she's so toxic.

 

You will not find a single person who will advise you to stay with this woman.

I have two suggestions/thoughts for you:

 

(1) Clearly, obviously, at the risk of being redundant: Get away from this person. Do not try to win her back. The matter with the youngest child is very sad, because unfortunately, she will lose her "father" and she will take the biggest hit in this ending, being the ultimate innocent victim. You may want to still keep in contact with this child if it's possible for you to do so without contact with this woman. But for heaven's sakes, do not stay in contact with this toxic woman.

 

(2) *** The most important issue is, WHY did you stay with her for this many years and allow this dysfunctional relationship to continue for this many years and WHY was marriage even planned? I am not criticizing you, I'm trying to suggest that you need to examine these questions to understand YOURSELF.

 

Usually when we choose to stay with an abusive partner, it points to something deeply dysfunctional in our own psyche. It sounds like you two have been in a co-dependant relationship. (You should read up a little about "codependency").

 

From what I sense, you haven't developed low self esteem as a result of what she did to you. I bet you had issues with low self esteem long before you got involved with her.

 

I really would strongly suggest that you see a therapist to look deep to examine how you view and treat yourself. You can't have a healthy relationship with another person if you don't have a healthy relationship with yourself in the first place.

 

What you are going through is normal: the confusion, grief, anger, anxiety, hopelessness--it's all normal. Do you have any other support system in your life to lean on to help you get through this? You will get over her sooner than you think--but you absolutely MUST cut contact with her to gain the mental clarity first.

 

Best wishes.

[DanH]

Hi burnt.

 

I've just read your post. Twice over. Thanks for taking the time to write it.

 

Many have told me over the last 3 years, since we got engaged,that she had changed. That I was indeed being emotionally abused and controlled. At times, it did feel that way too.

 

The relationship was mostly blissfully happy to be honest. But when it was bad..? It was agonising. I would be sent to "Coventry"... and not spoken to for 3-4 days at a time. Literally not spoken hardly a single word to. It was torture. Still we always seemed to eventually somehow resolve things.

 

I say somehow. usually it would involve a heartfelt apology from me. yet she would later tell me how I could never accept fault.

 

You're right. No one wants me to be with this woman.

 

And you're right. Over my whole life (I'm now 43) my self esteem has come and gone. Prior to meeting her I'd made a long, but full (sh) recovery from a nasty divorce. Completely turned my life around... lost weight finally ( I used to weigh 22 stone, I'm now half that ) and felt I could achieve anything.

Then I met someone who blew me away: my dream woman in looks , and initially not far off in personality.

 

Over time I did become to feel a little bit stripped of something, but then everyone changes and grows together don't they? I thought it was part of that and getting older and being a full time parent again etc.

 

I'm far from perfect. Have lots of quirks and ways and plain old faults. I can procrastinate (those invitations again) and I can be indecisive. But no I don't.. didn't deserve this treatment. Or the pain I'm still in now.

Deep down I know that.

WIsh I could turn back the clock though. As I suspect do 99.999% of people on this board.

[springy]

Dan,

 

You seem like a nice man, but I must agree with ExPat.

 

She denied cheating on her exes, just like she has denied cheating on you. There are people who think like that (usually the ones doing the cheating, surprise, surprise!); I assume she never actually told you she was done before striking up a relationship with her current beau? "It wasn't cheating because I was done with the relationship...oh what's that? Oh...yeah, I forgot to tell you. Sorry about that." Maybe I misunderstood your post...but either way this woman is full of excuses, none of which appear to include taking responsibility for her own behavior.

 

This would have happened eventually - the woman is in deep denial and untrustworthy. You are hurting and I do understand that, but so much better this happened before you walked down the aisle.

 

Please, take your kindness elsewhere (after you have healed of course). You are too kind...please go NC and leave this woman in the past. I do think there is a fine line between being a nice guy/gal and being a doormat - taking too much crap from others and still wanting them to be in your life no matter what the cost to you/your self esteem/your desires. You are thinking of all these ways to change yourself to get her back - when the core of what is wrong with her has not been addressed and never will be as long as she is unable to see her wrongs. Her problems are not in your power to change. Leave her be, in time she will find yet another new salsa partner - but that is not your concern either.

 

So sorry for your pain.

[springy]

One other thing - if I were you I would make it clear to her family and everyone else that you do not need any updates on her life. No way will that ever be beneficial for your healing.

[stillafool]

Dan I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Let me just say that 43 year old men are still very much in demand. So work out, eat, and get your sleep. Your wife may not have had a physical affair with this young man until she broke it off with you but she must have had one hellova emotional affair with him if it caused her to not go through with the wedding. In other words, she was still cheating on you while you two were planning your wedding. It's too bad for her child and you but you have to let it go. Perhaps later on you two can reconnect when she's older. Your ex is not coming back. Please accept that she is not coming back and there is no way to win her back. Don't beg to see her because she will think you are weak. Women are not attracted to weak men. Go strict NC and show her that you are strong and can pick yourself up, move on and have a happy life. There are so, so many women out there. Drop this loser.

[DanH]

Some think I should put up a fight. For someone and something that means this much to me? That I should believe in us, even when she's stopped and be assertive.

 

Much more have advised as you have. To cut my losses. I can't even bring myself to us that word: "ex". I'm still in denial. It's all happened so, so fast.

 

Yes stillafool, I'm trying to eat better again. And this last two days I've been out running again (I did run between 3-5 miles per morning until this)

Thankyou all for your generosity and advice.

[LD1990]

Putting up a fight is a stupid fantasy placed into men's heads by romantic stories that have no basis in reality.

 

If someone loves you, you don't have to fight for them. If they don't love you, no amount of fight is going to make them love you.

 

You need to remember that you're worth something too. She's not better than you. Don't treat her like she is. Seriously, she cheated on you and now you're the one thinking about ways to get her back. That's ridiculous.

 

You need to cut all contact. This woman is toxic. That means no contact with her and no contact with her daughter. Yes, her daughter, she may seem like your daughter, but legally, she isn't. It sucks for the kid, but you know what, that's her mother's fault and she'll get over it anyway. You need to prioritize your healing, and the only way you can do that is by removing yourself from the entire situation.

[Marc878]

Read "No More Mr Nice Guy" free download.

 

You are in love with the fantasy of who you made her out to be.

 

The real problem is you. you can do to much in a relationship and end up getting taken advantage of and losing respect.

 

Your best best is to block her and go dark. Fix yourself for your next relationship instead of saddling yourself to a worthless cause.

[DanH]

I've seen people fight in cases like this... one or two. Not many I admit.

They both won her back.

It's one of these guys who's been a really great friend to me the last few weeks, and I've been rather inspired by his tenacity last year. When his wife did similar. She'd even revered to her maiden name for three months, changed the locks etc.

 

Marc, I think I have to accept that she's not the person I thought she was. Yes.

Exorcising that image of my wife to be, from my head and heart is incredibly hard to even think of at the moment.

 

When this all started, I went dark for a week. Left her to think, whilst I go over initial shock.. But during that time I had no idea there was someone else in the picture. I'd have handled the whole situation very differently, had I know even half the fact. Which I suspect she knows as well as I do.

and why she "mushroomed" me.

[DanH]

I've just grabbed that ebook pdf Marc. Thanks

[Marc878]

Good. Now don't look back and get sucked into this.

 

You're way to young to settle for this. There are better out there.

[BluesPower]

I have not read bet the first 3 posts so I have repeat some of the stuff look past it.

 

Buddy, I am so, so sorry that this has happened. You did not deserve it in any way even if you were not perfect. I am going to tell you some hard truths about your situation.

 

She cheated on her previous husband and completely lied to you about it.

 

She did not start screwing this latest guy, and really probably several others, after you split. She has been screwing around on you from the start, no doubt about it. She is not your friend no matter what you think or feel. She used you from the very start because she needed someone to raise her kids so she could F*** around.

 

I realize that you feel like a complete fool, but you should not. You need to get better at picking women.

 

I have been where you are in many way and I know the pain is almost unbearable. I literally thought that I would die from the pain of my wife cheating on me, and I felt that way for a long time.

 

You absolutely have to go no contact with her and the kids, and the kids will suffer, but none of that is your fault, it is hers.

 

Get counseling, and move on with your life. Never, never, never let her near your life in any way. Stand tall and move on.

 

Best wishes for you man...

[bubbaganoosh]

I think another reason I feel so determined to win her back is because I feel somehow I drove her away. I knew she was stressed out about the wedding. We'd have trouble getting all the money together, particularly my half. Though I did get it, several months in advance it was touch and go.

 

Also I was hand making our invitations (I'm an artist and designer) I knew she wanted them out ASAP, but I couldn't get them finished until a couple of weeks later. I just wanted them to be perfect, you know? It was still nearly 4 months from the wedding date when I finished them. but she told me she'd been sick of waiting. That it was all my own fault. All this pain I'm in now, all my own doing.

very hard to live with.

 

With that kind of attitude, you've already lost. You want to take blame for your faults then fine but not hers.

 

Woman has three kids from a few different guys and cheats on them too so what makes you think your any different?

 

Now she's running around with some younger guy. Well that's all fine until she starts bringing her three kids around and starts talking about her life with him and the future and watch how fast this dude high steps it out of town. You think a 30 year old guy wants to settle down with a woman with three kids and is 8 or 9 years older than him? Fat chance Groucho, ain't happening. Then she's going to be crawling back to you and no doubt you'll welcome her back with open arms. If that happens then you get what you deserve. Move on and find someone.............anyone better then her.

[SevenCity]

Just wanted to add that her family siding with you is a seriously bad sign about her. She's so bad her OWN FAMILY took your side!

 

You deserve better.

[Giggles666]

I remember your initial post, I am so srry this is happening to you. I do hope you learn this woman is not who you thought she was, it's tough I know, but she is not good for you. I hope you do get through this and meet someone worthy of a guy like you. From an objective outsider view you might just end up in a better spot than your ex fiance. Stay strong.

[DanH]

I am trying to get stronger everyone. Trying to pull through. Both physically and emotionally.

 

Personally I'm ver unsure of the whole "NC" approach. Either to getting oneself straight or indeed trying to reconcile (which is still my deepest wish... ) Though I can't argue with the fact in my recent state I've not been able to hold my ground with her for very long. To stay in control of my most visible tells of desperation and depression.

 

As times gone on, and the occasions we've seen eachother, she's putting my in one uncomrtable situation after another. On a weekly basis.

 

I had the little girl yesterday. Picked her up from my ex's house (where I've been practically living with them myself the last two years ) Ex was lovely! Warm and almost flirting with me... it just seems to come naturally between us. A chemistry? I asked her if she had any time free in the week to meet for a chat, but we were interrupted. So I took our daughter with me and left it there.

 

Later on she turned up to pick her up again from my place, with "him" in the passenger seat of her car. Obviously I was sick to my stomach, and bewildered that he looks even younger and smaller physically than I imagined. It was as if to reassert dominance over me after this morning, somehow I felt. She did it just to see the look on my face...?

 

I held my composure. Which seemed to annoy here more. I just told her I'd ring her later and left the situation.

 

An hour later I had a very angry text:

 

"I will drop off the money I owe you...

Stop messaging people about me ( Ermm.....I haven't been... last person I heard from was HER Mum, over 10 days ago )

I'm with someone new and its not a fling

( I hadn't asked. I've NEVER mentioned a thing about it or him, very deliberately)

and that she wouldn't meet me for a chat.... she doesn't want me back"

( I actually wanted to talk to her about the little girl. Though it probably IS still written all over my face I love her)

 

... I just replied all calm that I had intended giving her a ring last night, but had best leave it until another time now.

 

This afternoon, oddly I feel a bit restored. Having seen my opponent in this... and sensing something might have rattled her yesterday...

 

Just to say that I wouldn't go so far as to say her family are on "my side". But theyre an odd bunch. Lovely people,and I'm missing them all!!

But at any given time theres usually two or three of them not talking to one another. I do find it hard to keep up with who's speaking to who. My ex is perhaps the worst offender. Prides herself on being "plain speaking", but IMHO sometimes uses that as an excuse to say pretty cruel things or just enforce her own way.

 

Several times I have kept the peace , whilst these spats are going on. Assuring one party or the other "all would blow over, in time". She is presently not speaking to her brother ( 4 months) Whereas from January until early May she'd not spoken to her Mum. This could be why a few have reached out to me in return.

[DanH]

...Now she's running around with some younger guy. Well that's all fine until she starts bringing her three kids around and starts talking about her life with him and the future and watch how fast this dude high steps it out of town. You think a 30 year old guy wants to settle down with a woman with three kids and is 8 or 9 years older than him? Fat chance.....

 

I honestly think this guy has no idea how much he's bitten off. Already. My ex will throw everything she has at this (in fact she seems to be, textbook "rebound " behaviour according to various websites etc) and he's just going to take what he can and probably walk when he gets his fill. And I hate that. However much I feel my ex may deserve some back of whats shes given me it's the children I worry for.

 

I love the children, but I'm the first to admit there's is not the easiest of family dynamics. Lots of unresolved things there. Particularly with the 13 year olds eating disorder.

 

The child psychologist told my ex, after several sessions, that this and her other issues had been mostly caused by her Mothers tumultuous personal life and inability to provide stable places or continuity of people.I was one of several stepdads, but the longest standing at 6.5 years.

[Toodaloo]

Dan.

 

People do not change and I am sorry that you are one of many men I know who have been sucked into a situation like this.

 

People who have a habit of telling lies will lie.

 

People who have a habit of getting bored and sleeping around will sleep around. It has sod all to do with salsa dancing (I have never slept with anyone I have met through my salsa lessons) and everything to do with her terrible attitude towards relationships in general.

 

I know its hard but please walk away.

 

You are young enough to have your own family. You do not need a ready packed dysfunctional one.

[springy]

Dan...I cannot understand why you are still so hellbent on getting back with this woman. She is who she is, and that is not going to change. Since you don't want to cut contact and don't want to move on, I'm not sure there's much more advice I can offer. You seem determined to hang on to this toxic woman at any cost to your own well-being. I wish you well.

[DanH]

sorry error pst