My latest bombshell

[Toodaloo]

I reminded her that I never let them down.

" you've let me down plenty lately Dan... but you never let the kids down and thats what counts"

 

Wow. That cuts like a knife. So she feels let down by you. Did she ever discuss that with you?

 

This one is just... mmmm I can't post words like that.

 

Dan you really need to grow a pair now. She is just using you for what little she can eeeek out of you. Its time to say no.

 

That key needs to be returned the rest of your stuff picked up, then you need to walk away.

 

I know its hard but if you carry on the way you are then you are in for a really long fall with a really hard bump at the end of it. Please start protecting yourself. Her words are designed to hurt you.

 

At 43 you still have time to date and meet someone and have a family of your own. But you need to quit being all over the ex like this, because that is really unhealthy. I know you think you are doing the right thing but all you are doing is opening a can worms and hurt...

[Blanco]

I reminded her that I never let them down.

" you've let me down plenty lately Dan... but you never let the kids down and thats what counts"

 

I suspect this could sum up your relationship with this woman.

 

She has discovered, maybe even before you were in her life, that she can keep her partner "in check" by regularly diminishing any positives that person brings to the relationship.

 

She has seen that rather than the man growing dissatisfied and searching for greener pastures filled with less negativity, he double downs on his efforts, stupidly assuming that if he just does this, this, and this, his woman will be pleased with his efforts and balance will be restored. Nope!

 

Let me speak from some personal experience, having been with someone like this. No matter what you do, there will always be some transgression on your part, real or not, that she can latch on to and use against you to marginalize anything positive you have done.

 

At first, you feel confused, but want to give that person the benefit of the doubt. They care about you, after all, right? Maybe you really did mess up. So you'll try even harder, making extra certain not to repeat the offense again. Only, this time, she'll find something else you didn't do right. And on it will go like this.

 

Unfortunately, people like this rarely gain any insight that this way of behaving in relationships is wrong, because they usually find someone to fill the void of the last partner. So while the partner may come and go, there's always some sap waiting in the wings, serving the dual purpose of replacing the last person and reinforcing that the idea that the other person's behavior is acceptable, because hey, if it weren't wouldn't they have some trouble finding another relationship?

[ThorntonMelon]

I reminded her that I never let them down.

 

Stop reminding her of anything. When you look back at all of this in a few years, it's the pleading you'll most regret. We've all done it - I'm not scolding here - but do your best to shut that out of your communications. She isn't listening anymore.

 

You should however advocate loudly for your kids to the best of your ability and keep doing what you're doing on that front.

[DanH]

Again, I'm humbled and touched by the replies here...

More later but for now, lots of these xxx

[Toodaloo]

Again, I'm humbled and touched by the replies here...

More later but for now, lots of these xxx

 

Blanco has it so right.

 

This ex of yours, to put it bluntly, is a tool.

 

Time to let go and move on. You seem like a lovely chap. Problem is while you are all messed up over her, the lovely women who are desperately looking for a guy like you, can't date you as you are not over your ex!

 

Stop sabotaging yourself. Stop letting this woman, who has been vile, sabotage you.

 

Let yourself heal and let yourself be happy!

[DanH]

My apologies for not dropping back here sooner.....

The last week has rather taken its toll, mentally on me.

 

I've been fielding texts etc from my ex about how much I'm letting our daughter down. How I'm not spending enough time with her and can't really miss any of them that much...

 

This is just baffling me, as to how to respond. One look at me, physically, even after almost 2 months and its clear the toll this has and is still taking on me. The impossible situation I am in.

 

Seems to me that SHE has removed Mia's Dad from her life, and is somehow surprised at the outcome? What did she imagine aws going to happen ??

Every way I can think of replying, certainly by text which is her preferred method ( but wildly open to misreading. In fact its caused so many arguments between us over the years) could either (a) be taken the wrong way or (b) seems completely insubstantial given the complexity and emotional worth of the situation.

 

It's Bank Holiday Monday here in the UK. A time for families to be together and I'm aching to be with the four of them. A fraction away from either ringing and texting "her" to try and begin to tell her how I feel....

 

... but I truly feel that we do have things to talk about that MUST be done face to face. Simply must.

 

Wherever you all are, and whatever you're doing I hope you have a nice day with either people who mean something to you or simply doing something that makes your heart sing some song or another. Many thanks to anyone who takes a few minutes out to follow this thread. x

[BluesPower]

Dan she want her free baby sitter back, that is all. She is not only crazy she is sadistic. These kids are not yours. I know that you love them, I totally understand that. She Killed your child with an abortion because she did not love you enough to have it.

 

 

You have to cut her out of your life, it is going to kill you, literally. if you do not.

 

 

You need to block her texts man. You need to cut all contact with her.

 

 

Your could tell her that her kids would still have a dad if she had not been screwing every guy in town. Then block her and don't look back.

 

 

Be strong for yourself.

[doyathinkso]

Dan she want her free baby sitter back, that is all. She is not only crazy she is sadistic. These kids are not yours. I know that you love them, I totally understand that. She Killed your child with an abortion because she did not love you enough to have it.

 

 

You have to cut her out of your life, it is going to kill you, literally. if you do not.

 

 

You need to block her texts man. You need to cut all contact with her.

 

 

Your could tell her that her kids would still have a dad if she had not been screwing every guy in town. Then block her and don't look back.

 

 

Be strong for yourself.

 

 

Repeated for EMPHASIS.

[Blanco]

These children are not yours. I faced a similar situation, and chose my sanity over being the "bigger man" and still being part of her children's lives while she dove head-first into a new exclusive relationship.

 

Just remember that she doesn't have your best interest at heart. She doesn't want all of you, so she doesn't get to have parts of you.

[somegu]

I didn't read all of this but I do think I can be some support and help.

 

Dan you are a genuine "good guy" but you are good to everyone but yourself. You need to start being good to yourself because you have to spend 24/7/365 with you.

 

You have lost your family, you are being manipulated and used and you are suffering tremendous depression and anxiety because of it. I would strongly suggest getting mental help, it does get better, reach out to emotionally supportive friends and family for support. I would also recommend taking some time off from contacting your ex and minimize contact with your child to say a phone call a week where the only interaction with your ex you have is asking to speak to the child on the phone.

 

I think you would also benefit from trying to change your behaviour from submissive to dominant. You seem to have swung the balance too far in your life where you will do whatever it takes to make other people happy and in turn that hurts you AND it hurts those people too because you are not the strong and confident man you could be. Co-dependant, enabling behaviour gets you nowhere in relationships, everyone loses and I know I was there for 3 years.

 

You still love this woman because you bonded to her for 7 years but she is a lying manipulative abuser. She will use and abuse this next man the same way she used you, don't be jealous of this guy you should pity the fate that will likely befall him.

 

Stand up for yourself and for lack of a better term be a man. Get away from this situation so you can heal and be stronger and take care of yourself for your own sake for the rest of your life. Figure out how to be a leader not a follower. How to say no to people when their requests are unreasonable and inconvenience you. Don't come to the rescue let them fall on their faces and get back up because you are doing them no favours by protecting them from the hurt and pain of the world. They will never learn to be independent if you keep intervening. She will never realize the consequences of her negative behaviour if you are always softening the blow.

 

Above all love yourself and take care of yourself you are a worthwhile, sensitive, caring person who has a lot to offer the world. Take care of yourself and I know that it will all work out for the best. Don't stay in this cycle of abuse life is too short and you deserve better. Become a better man that doesn't need a woman and a family to be happy but if he had one that would be a bonus and a blessing.

 

I sincerely wish you all the best bro and if you are having a mental health crisis don't hurt yourself, reach out for help. You deserve to be happy.

 

Good luck.

[DanH]

I am now taking close to abuse, by text and the other evening on the phone, for not making enough effort with our daughter... that I must "step up!!" or lose them completely.

 

Because of work commitments and other family concerns ( I have three other children. much older boys, from my marriage in the 00's) I have only been able to manage three one whole day and two half days in the last nearly two weeks.

 

This is really baring down hard on me now. I'm ack to sleeping just a few hours at a time, and panic attack levels going up. Still waiting for an appointment date with a counsellor.

[BluesPower]

You are not responsible for these children or HER daughter. You have to go dark with this woman.

 

 

She is still using you, Please listen to what everyone is saying.

 

 

I know it is hard, but you have to get away from this woman.

 

 

Cut her off and block her from your phone.

 

 

Good luck...

[Toodaloo]

I am now taking close to abuse, by text and the other evening on the phone, for not making enough effort with our daughter... that I must "step up!!" or lose them completely.

 

Because of work commitments and other family concerns ( I have three other children. much older boys, from my marriage in the 00's) I have only been able to manage three one whole day and two half days in the last nearly two weeks.

 

This is really baring down hard on me now. I'm ack to sleeping just a few hours at a time, and panic attack levels going up. Still waiting for an appointment date with a counsellor.

 

Get that woman OUT of your life.

 

She is toxic.

[neowulf]

Dan, I can't begin to imagine how difficult this situation is for you.

I understand that you can hear "Get out" over and over again, yet your heart won't let you just turn your back.

 

You have been utterly and completely manipulated by this woman and she's used your love of her children to do it. It's insidious and morally bankrupt.

 

Dan, I want you to sit down and write a letter to 'your' daughter. I want you to take your time. Spend a few days. Write everything you'd ever want to say to her. Write like it's the last time you're ever going to see her.

 

Tell her you love her, tell her how proud you are. Tell her that you'll never forget her. That once she's old enough, she's welcome to come find you.

 

Explain it's not her fault. Don't sledge her mother too much, but make it clear that you had to leave, to protect your sanity and health. Tell her the choice was taken out of your hands.

 

Draft this letter, till you're absolutely happy with it. Then, next time you see your daughter, give her the letter and say your goodbyes.

 

Then walk Dan. Walk away from this woman who has *wasted* years of your life, your emotional energy. This soul sucking vampire who *continues* to wound you every day you allow her to stay in your life.

 

Cut her out of your life.

 

Some day, having that letter from you is going to mean the world to that little girl. When she's old enough to realise it wasn't your fault. That you did the best you could.

 

Let go Dan and let the grieving start.

Edited September 1, 2016 by neowulf

[Lyssse]

Hugs to you xoxo. My heart breaks to hear this story.

[Dis]

I am now taking close to abuse, by text and the other evening on the phone, for not making enough effort with our daughter... that I must "step up!!" or lose them completely.

 

Because of work commitments and other family concerns ( I have three other children. much older boys, from my marriage in the 00's) I have only been able to manage three one whole day and two half days in the last nearly two weeks.

 

This is really baring down hard on me now. I'm ack to sleeping just a few hours at a time, and panic attack levels going up. Still waiting for an appointment date with a counsellor.

 

Hi Dan

 

I've been following this thread and I cant tell you how much my heart breaks for you hun

 

Just reading your posts, I can see what a wonderful man you are...such a kind, sweet soul. It makes me angry for you that a woman would treat you with such disregard and disrespect when you seem to have a heart of gold

 

As a woman, I can tell you that men like you are hard to come by...your giving nature, kind heart and generous soul are such gifts that should never ever be taken for granted by the woman whos lucky enough to have you

 

I cant offer much wiser advice than what has already been offered...I just wanted to tell you how much I feel for you...that with time your pain will lessen and eventually disappear...pls listen to the people posting and try to keep her out of your life as much a possible....this woman is truly toxic

 

I can understand you wanting to keep in contact with the kids but pls dont risk your heart and healing process while doing so

 

Give it time hun...after some time has passed and you've done some work on yourself (figure out why you chose to stay with this woman) you'll discover what you really deserve (an amazing woman) and what you dont (this woman's toxicity) I promise you'll learn to value the wonderful man you are

 

I wish you the very best Dan. Sending lots of love and hugs

 

We're all here for you...keep posting hun Xoxo!

[DanH]

Hello all...

 

things have got so much harder for me with the wedding coming up Saturday.

My ex is making the most outrageous of demands, using the little girl as leverage and i've been in bits about it all week.

 

She's for all intents and purposes still going away for two nights, during what would've been our honeymoon break. Not to the same place, but same time. Only she's obviously taking "him".

 

Real kick in the you know what's, at any time...

 

... but...... she's been texting and demanding for over a week that I have Mia stay with me whilst she does this. I've had it all!! Blackmail, aggression, name calling and "so much for being a dad" etc. then the other day she just TOLD me I was having her.... I text back, " how dare you".

 

Even that didn't stop her. Threatening to cut all contact etc and as shes not biologically mine I can't do anything about it (as posters in here had pointed out a week or two ago) She's back tracked AGAIN now and is demanding an answer one way or another ( I'd already said NO!!) in 24 hours.

 

I'm still mourning our relationship. Wanting to sleep through what would've been OUR happy ending, our wedding day this Saturday... and she's got me stressed out and baiting me like this. Last week I was closest I've ever been to ending it all.

 

Mia's biological Dad is an option... but they hardly know eachother and Mia REALLY doesn't want to go to him. She's asking for me, crying etc. But it's not me thats doing this..? It's her Mum.... right....?

 

...my counsellor told me I should probably have Mia. She thinks its horrible what ex has done to me. But that the child must come first. It's not her fault. I've spent nearly 7 years putting them ALL first and its got me hurt to the point I dont want to exist anymore though.... Where is the line ffs!?!?!?

 

Needless to say all my friends, family and even ex's best mate think its outrageous of her to expect this... to put me in this spot.

[Blanco]

Your counselor is a moron.

[DanH]

I suspect this could sum up your relationship with this woman.

 

She has discovered, maybe even before you were in her life, that she can keep her partner "in check" by regularly diminishing any positives that person brings to the relationship.

 

She has seen that rather than the man growing dissatisfied and searching for greener pastures filled with less negativity, he double downs on his efforts, stupidly assuming that if he just does this, this, and this, his woman will be pleased with his efforts and balance will be restored. Nope!

 

Let me speak from some personal experience, having been with someone like this. No matter what you do, there will always be some transgression on your part, real or not, that she can latch on to and use against you to marginalize anything positive you have done.

 

At first, you feel confused, but want to give that person the benefit of the doubt. They care about you, after all, right? Maybe you really did mess up. So you'll try even harder, making extra certain not to repeat the offense again. Only, this time, she'll find something else you didn't do right. And on it will go like this.

 

Unfortunately, people like this rarely gain any insight that this way of behaving in relationships is wrong, because they usually find someone to fill the void of the last partner. So while the partner may come and go, there's always some sap waiting in the wings, serving the dual purpose of replacing the last person and reinforcing that the idea that the other person's behavior is acceptable, because hey, if it weren't wouldn't they have some trouble finding another relationship?

 

Blanco, I know you posted this a week or two ago.... I've been meaning to post about it since as it's stayed with me.

 

This is so accurate, that when I first read it I got chills. To the letter!

And the sign off: so, so accurate. She is so pleased with herself, and you can tell she feels vindicated in finding someone so quickly. They're all over facebook and such, so I'm hearing. So their relationship has, to the outside world, moved very fast. The textbook "rebound" if you read enough sites and such. Whereas I'm still struggling to get through each day.

 

I have discovered this week that even the one "fact" she told me: that they'd only met in first week of June, is also a lie. She's known him since early February.

[DanH]

Your counselor is a moron.

 

Blanco I'm so glad you're here. I've just quoted your post from before.

Thank you for being here.

[DanH]

Dan she want her free baby sitter back, that is all. She is not only crazy she is sadistic..

 

This has really come to the forefront now.

 

The way I feel is that whilst I can't stop another human being from doing and saying things that cause me pain and humiliation......

 

...I CAN prevent myself from enabling her to do so.

 

All the years we have been together, we have been desperate for a weekend; even one day away without children. NO ONE would have them for us. Particularly Mia, when she was so little and clingy. They either didn't have the room or the time. Within a few weeks of being together, HE is able to go away with the woman I believed was going to spend the rest of her life with me. I'm just so jealous.... so hurt. I'm only human for heavens sake.

 

Now whatever happens, she will not sacrifice her little trip. She has a show to put on, after all...? She will go, whatever I do. I will be upset whatever I do. Though I can stop Mia from having a miserable two days.

 

Part of me ( and I take no pride in this) thinks GOOD! I hope she cries the entire time and ruins her mums time away.

[DanH]

Dan, I can't begin to imagine how difficult this situation is for you.

I understand that you can hear "Get out" over and over again, yet your heart won't let you just turn your back........

 

This post neowulf...

I've actually been in this situation with the eldest son, sort of.

I've only just come out of the other side of this tunnel. We have been reunited after 7 years. To be back to square 1 about to start the whole thing potentially again with a "new ex".. and new "absent kids" and a new hole in my heart is unbearable.

[LD1990]

The reason life keeps getting harder for you is because you refuse to take the advice you're getting here and instead have opted for this passive approach where you mope about everything and just generally let this woman run over you.

 

There is no wedding coming up. It's time to stop thinking about what might have been and accept what is.

 

If you want your life to get better, cut off all contact with this woman and block her. Or keep playing hero and babysitting a young girl that isn't yours, while remaining miserable. Those are your options. The kid will survive without you and your days taking care of her are numbered, anyway. Your ex is using you for free babysitting right now because it's convenient. You really think 5 years down the road your ex will still be having you take care of her kid? The second she finds a more convenient option you can forget about seeing the kid again.

[Toodaloo]

Dan you have to stop responding to your ex. You have said no. You have put your foot down.

 

I agree that your counselor is a moron. They are not helping you at all. They are just making you enable that woman more.

[DanH]

The reason life keeps getting harder for you is because you refuse to take the advice you're getting here and instead have opted for this passive approach where you mope about everything and just generally let this woman run over you.

 

Harsh. Though probably fair