time to grieve....not given the opportunity...

[Alora]

Hello everyone

 

I just want to ask for some help in understanding my ex's behaviour...and how to deal with it.

 

I ended our relationship less than 24 hours ago after 4 years. We saw each other everyday but circumstances have lead to me 'calling it a day'. I thought that we would have to time to 'let the dust settle' come to terms, grieve and move forward. We both have experienced loss through divorce and death.

 

It was me that did the dumping and it was not what I wanted in some ways but my life has changed and my ex-partner's hasn't so we were no longer compatible. I need time to grieve for our 4 years together and I thought my ex would need this too.

 

I decided not to contact him, let things settle and maybe in a week or two, start to dismantle our lives together.

 

This morning I felt intense relief and a great wieght off my shoulders. I knew the grieving would come at some point but I just wanted time to 'breathe'.

 

I hope that this doesn't sound all about ME but I understand enough about relationships to understand that we all need time to heal.

 

Today I have received about 6 emails from my ex telling me what he has done about dismantling our lives together and giving me instructions on what I need to do as well. I am really not ready for this.

 

He is coming with a van tomorrow to collect his things, he cancelled this, organised that, spoke to him or her, did this did that. The amazing thing is when we were together I did all of those things, in my own time and very efficiently.

 

My ex has upset me very much by doing this so soon. I know he is hurting and I am too but we broke up because of his work and family commitments..and now he is forcing me to start dismantling our lives together so soon...it really is too much and unnecessary.

 

I am working through his emails to me but it really is too much to bear less 24 hours that we have broken up.

 

How should I deal with this?

 

Thank you for your advice and help.

[heartfeltlove]

1: Do not reply to anything he sends.

2: Arrange something for tomorrow so that you can be out when he comes round.

If you have declared it over, he will eventually get the message, providing you do not reply.

3:Take good note of the No Contact Guide. It's at the top of the 'breaks and breaking up' forum. It's very interesting.

Do not let him or anyone else he might use as an arbiter, convince you to talk to him again.

 

Edited to add link to No Contact list

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/470829-all-new-2014-no-contact-guide

[oldshirt]

sounds to me that there may be some confusion as to who is actually breaking up with who.

 

The thing is, when you dump someone, you tear up your partner card and the dumpee is now able to move one with their life however they see fit regardless of whether it was part of your break up plan or not.

 

If he wants his stuff back and wants to live his life how he sees fit, that is his call and his prerogative. You have no say in how he lives his life now. that is what breaking up is.

 

Sounds to me this ISall about you and you wanted your break up to go your way and you wanted him to fall into his place and abide by your break up plan.

 

Sorry it doesn't work that way. You dumped him. You have no say in what he does in his life or on his dime now.

 

You have no right to keep him from his stuff and no right to govern how he moves on now that he is a free man.

 

You want to move away and live a different life, that is your prerogative. But now he gets the right and freedom to live a different life for himself as well. You may want to ease into it and have some down time. But it doesn't sound like he want's to do that. He wants to begin his new life today. That's his prerogative and you have no right to bitch about it or interfere with it.

 

You were the one that made the unilateral decision to end the relationship. You have to live with it now and you don't get to determine what he does.

[Alora]

Thank you for your post.

 

Perhaps I did not make myself clear in my last post.

 

Firstly, I did do the dumping and I accept that. However, if you had read ALL of my previous posts then you would have probably realised that our relationship tended to revolve around my ex partner's commitments which, in the beginning, I was extremely sympathetic to. Those commitments were not my children, my grandchild, my job or my huge mortgage but I still supported him, listened to him, sympathised and acted more like a wife to him in every way. This is who I am. Although I am now retired I supported my ex partner with HIS problems 100%.

 

I have had my fair share of responsibilities. I brought up my children single handedly when my ex husband walked out on me when I pregnant with my third child. I have been to court to keep the roof over my family's head, I have studied to become a solicitor and worked all of my life. I think I deserve and have earnt a decent retirement at the age of 60.

 

I don't think I have said in my posts that I have prevented my partner from collecting his belongings nor prevented him from living his future life as he thinks fit. In fact, I have agreed for him to come at collect his items from my garage anytime tomorrow.

 

I agree with you OLDshirt that a man is entitled to live his life and move on as he pleases and where in my posts have I said that he should not do that?

 

I have simply said that we split less than 24 hours ago, my ex's items are in my garage and consist of a hedge trimmer and a chain saw hardly urgent stuff. The emails have been around social engagements and holidays, nothing urgent.

 

I have to say oldshirt I found the tone of your post quite upsetting.

[LostOnes05]

I'd have to agree with Oldshirt on this. The tone of your post does sound a lot about you. You wanted to be finished and he's putting forth the effort to cut ties as soon as possible. If you aren't ready to dissolve a relationship completely, don't end things without trying every available option. If you feel you made the right decision, then you have to own it and deal with the consequences. If you put all your effort in and saw he wasn't putting forth any to change, then you have every right to leave the relationship. But understand that he has the right to move on as fast or slow as he sees fit at this point.

 

I do commend you for acknowledging the need for time to grieve. So many people move right into new relationships without taking that time and it destroys any potential they would have with that new person. Give him his stuff and take all the time you need. As you said, he is probably hurting too and just wants to be over the entire situation. Best wishes in your healing!

[Alora]

I take on board what you have said.

 

I did try to speak to my ex partner several times around his work and family commitments and how it impacted on us. I was constantly supporting him emotionally, physically and mentally. He worked a 12 hour day and saw his family at weekends and saw me in the evenings when he was tired from a long day. He moaned constantly about his work,his boss, his family, his mortgage...

 

I could not see any change from him. In the early days he was totally devoted to me. We went on holidays, weekend breaks (which I had paid for as well as my ex partner) and did loads of things together. Gradually, his estranged family came back and he began supporting them more and more. He fell out with his boss and that caused so end of problems and he had to work so hard. I was getting the worse of part of him and became more of a support and a rock for him.

 

I do love him, very much but I just didn't get the best of him that was saved for his family. I had spoken to him about it and how much it hurt me that I was not allowed to see his family ever when he became very close to mine.

 

I gradually became a small part of his life an option, not a commitment.almost a mistress. There was nothing I could do about it. That the man who loves his family above all else and needs to be there for them.

 

I had devoted myself to him for four years and gave my all in the hope that we would have a future together but I knew that things would never change and that his family would always come first.

 

Now I have decided to move abroad because there is nothing here for me. I could not waste the rest of my life waiting for him to sort his life out.

 

It was me that supported him, organised our social life, cooked meals for him, cared for him when he was ill all the things that his family never for him.

 

I just wanted a little time, just today then I would have sorted out all of social ties that I had always dealt with.

 

It is hard to let go and you are right he wants to do it his way but the fact is everything has always been on his terms hasn't it..up till now?

 

Thank you for your thoughts and help.

[DKT3]

I agree with the other two, I got the sense that you're implying, how dare you move on before I'm ready..

 

Also if he is one of those guys that sits back while you take care of day to day logistics, prepare your self for a new woman very shortly. Men like that tend to struggle on their own.

[anika99]

Count me among the posters who agree with Oldshirt. Between this thread and your last thread it seems that you feel that your ex should only be thinking about what makes you feel best even though you just dumped him.

 

First you were annoyed that he was angry and upset at being dumped and now you're annoyed that he's in a big hurry to cut ties. You have some fantasy about how this breakup should go and that fantasy is all about you and what you want. Apparently, in your fantasy, when you dumped him he was supposed to accept that he was totally at fault and then tearfully wave goodbye to you while pondering his shortcomings and all the ways that he failed you. Then he was to go silent and give YOU space until YOU decide YOU are ready to move forward.

 

Your reasons for dumping him may be valid but at this point they are irrelevant. The point is that you ended things with him and now you cannot dictate how he processes this or moves forward. If he wants to immediately cancel this and that, make new arrangements and talk to people about the current circumstances, then he is free to do so. The flip side is that he cannot dictate how you move forward now either. Just because he emailed you a list of instructions doesn't mean you have to immediately jump to please him. He gets to handle his end of things however he sees fit and you can do the same. Just reply to his email letting him know you will get those things done within a reasonable timeframe.

 

I agree that people need time to grieve when a relationship ends but I'm not sure that means you should drag out the breakup. To my way of thinking you breakup, you untangle your lives from one another and tie up loose ends and then you grieve. I don't get stalling things so you can spend a couple of weeks grieving. I mean do you really get over a 4yr relationship in 2 weeks? To me spending 2 weeks grieving and then having to be in contact with my ex would just interrupt the grieving process and set me back to square one, especially if I was the one being dumped. Consider that your 2 weeks of "me time" may feel like limbo to your ex as he may feel that he can't grieve or move on until you are completely out of his life and he doesn't have to see or talk to you anymore.

[elaine567]

Breaking up with someone is not a way to solve a problem, it seems to me you were dumping him perhaps as a wake up call to him and that in the next few weeks as you two processed the break up, he WOULD change and the problems in your relationship would be resolved. He would say you were right, he had been putting too much into his family he had been neglecting you, you were important to him...

You would then move on as a couple together united and with a deeper connection.

 

BUT he is not giving you the chance to do that is he? He is not fighting for the relationship.

He has taken the initiative, and will have dismantled most of your life together in 24 hours.

So whilst in your heart of hearts you know you probably made the right decision, it is suddenly not just about you making the decision - leaving him shell shocked and broken hearted - he is now an active participant in the break up.

He obviously agrees that the relationship is done, and that he doesn't want you in his life either and that is a big hit to your ego.

YOU dumped him, due to HIS faults, he doesn't get to dump you...

 

YOU continued on this relationship past its sell by date, hoping to get back to the heady early days, but that devoted man was never coming back in reality, was he?

He had too many balls in the air... He prioritised and you were not his first priority.

 

Grieve, heal and move on.

[Poppyolive]

He is hurt, angry and a whole other whack of emotions just like yours. I think you need to let him do his thing and completely cut contact. You aren't ready, I understand. Perhaps you could stay with some friends while all this is taking place. It's much better this way, rip the bandaid off. I'm sure you are both hurting and grieving the end of the relationship, you just need to give eachother space to do that, whatever that means to both of you, individually.

[Alora]

Hello everyone

 

Thank you for the feedback and for taking the time to reply.

 

I didn't say that I needed two weeks just a day...

 

All is done now. All is sorted.

 

Thank you again.

 

Alora

[ExpatInItaly]

You got what you asked for when you broke up with him.

 

In other words, you ended this relationship. He's following suit.

 

Not sure why this is so offensive to your sensibilities. He is doing what an ex does - trying to move on. Sure it sucks, but what did you expect him to do? Wait until you had properly grieved?

[Alora]

I am reading all of your replies and all I can say is thank you again.

 

I clearly have handled this all wrong and will learn from this.

 

 

Kind regards

 

Alora

[anika99]

OH so you were going to grieve a 4yr relationship in one day? Read your first post again. You said you wanted a week or two before starting the process of dismantling your relationship, so you could heal and grieve. Then you changed it to one day which sounds even more silly, as if anyone heals and grieves in a single day.

 

Sorry we're piling on but I think Elaine might have touched on a deeper truth. Maybe you weren't planning this breakup as a way to make your bf change and come back to you a better man, but you seem to want something more out of this breakup then simply wanting to end the relationship.

[Alora]

I can only say that was not the case at all. I had every intention of breaking up with my ex-partner and it had taken a lot courage to do this because I cared for him.

 

This is the first break up that I have ever instigated, it has always been me that was broken up with. I obviously got it all wrong as you can see from what I have said in my previous post.

 

You are right I had not expected such a quick reaction and it surprised me because I have always be the one being dumped so I didn't understand.

 

I was not sure this was what I wanted but, as you have said, my ex-partner fired the gun after I loaded it.

 

I have said that I learnt from this.

 

End of.

[stillafool]

I think your ex was ready for the breakup just like you and wanted to make things final ASAP. I really can't blame him for not wanting this hanging over his head while he moves forward with his new life.

[Cephalopod]

Once you find a new man to occupy your heart you will no longer care anyways.

 

When a woman closes the chapter in her heart on a man it is closed. Your ex will be nothing more than a footnote in your life history. He could get run over by a steamroller and you wont care, as you will be in love with a new man.

 

Women don't carry torches for past loves like men do. You will move on and be fine.

[DKT3]

I can only say that was not the case at all. I had every intention of breaking up with my ex-partner and it had taken a lot courage to do this because I cared for him.

 

This is the first break up that I have ever instigated, it has always been me that was broken up with. I obviously got it all wrong as you can see from what I have said in my previous post.

 

You are right I had not expected such a quick reaction and it surprised me because I have always be the one being dumped so I didn't understand.

 

I was not sure this was what I wanted but, as you have said, my ex-partner fired the gun after I loaded it.

 

I have said that I learnt from this.

 

End of.

 

Now this makes sense, you wanted time to decide if it's what you wanted and also maybe you wanted him "to fight" for the relationship. As another poster pointed out, he seems to have wanted out as well. May be that is what you are really struggling with.

[anika99]

I can only say that was not the case at all. I had every intention of breaking up with my ex-partner and it had taken a lot courage to do this because I cared for him.

 

This is the first break up that I have ever instigated, it has always been me that was broken up with. I obviously got it all wrong as you can see from what I have said in my previous post.

 

You are right I had not expected such a quick reaction and it surprised me because I have always be the one being dumped so I didn't understand.

 

I was not sure this was what I wanted but, as you have said, my ex-partner fired the gun after I loaded it.

 

I have said that I learnt from this.

 

End of.

 

 

As the others have said, you will be okay. You had valid reasons for wanting to end the relationship and once you get through the hard part of this break up you will be happy again. Hang in there and don't doubt yourself.

[LostOnes05]

I understand what you mean now. Four years is a long time to deal with crap and uncertainty. I think that ultimately you did the right thing for you. All you were asking for was an equal partner that included you in their life, which it sounds like he wasn't. I wish you the best and you will be fine. Take the time to heal.

[TrustedthenBusted]

If I got dumped, you'd better be prepared for me to show up the next morning with a trailer, ready to pack my stuff, grab my dog, and be out. You can grieve when I'm gone.

[Try]

I ended our relationship less than 24 hours ago after 4 years. We saw each other everyday but circumstances have lead to me 'calling it a day'.

It was me that did the dumping and it was not what I wanted in some ways but my life has changed and my ex-partner's hasn't so we were no longer compatible.

I decided not to contact him, let things settle

Today I have received about 6 emails from my ex telling me what he has done about dismantling our lives together and giving me instructions on what I need to do as well. I am really not ready for this.

He is coming with a van tomorrow to collect his things, he cancelled this, organised that, spoke to him or her, did this did that.

I hope that this doesn't sound all about ME but I understand enough about relationships to understand that we all need time to heal.

It does sound like you think that it is "all about" you. It was you that "ended" the relationship, it was you "that did the dumping", it was you that decided that he was "no longer compatible", and it was you that "decided not to contact him". It appears that you feel that you get to be in total control of how this ends. Well guess what? Just because you got to make most of the calls when you were a couple, it does not mean that you get to make the calls for him now that you are not a couple anymore.

 

He has a backbone and has decided that now that you dumped him he is going to take back control of his life from you. He no longer trusts that you have his best interest in mind. Good for him. He is doing exactly what most of us would be advising him to do in this situation. What bugs you is that he is not begging you like you had expected, and that he is so ready to move on without you.

[2strange]

I TOTALLY see where all of you are coming from and I do not disagree in the least with your thought process. Elaine567, your insight brought TEARS to my eyes, not only because of how DEAD ON it likely was for Alora, but also because, regardless, it hit home in some ways for ME on a very personal level. DAMN! Have you ever considered counseling/life-coaching or some such? I mean..you would definitely need to be more gentle/roundabout in technique, but that is certainly a very real gift you've got there.

 

Here's the thing you guys: Truth is a great thing. However, NO ONE needs to be BLUDGEONED to death with it...by multiple people...when they are obviously already in a very hurt and vulnerable state. I mean, for all you people know this lady could be one unkind word away from offing herself, right? My point is this: Truth is important & necessary - just like moving on after you've decided to break-up. But none of you know the ins and outs of the relationship (dynamics), and i'm quite certain by the gang-up type thing that got started on here that had me visualizing circling vultures (which you were very gracious about by the way, Alora), that none of you are a licensed psychologist. Maybe just the one or two people commenting a hard truth is enough, huh?

[2strange]

Once you find a new man to occupy your heart you will no longer care anyways.

 

When a woman closes the chapter in her heart on a man it is closed. Your ex will be nothing more than a footnote in your life history. He could get run over by a steamroller and you wont care, as you will be in love with a new man.

 

Women don't carry torches for past loves like men do. You will move on and be fine.

 

That's NOT true. Don't lump us all in together. You men don't like it when we do it to you, right?

Edited August 9, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude~T

[heartfeltlove]

Once you find a new man to occupy your heart you will no longer care anyways.

 

When a woman closes the chapter in her heart on a man it is closed. Your ex will be nothing more than a footnote in your life history. He could get run over by a steamroller and you wont care, as you will be in love with a new man.

 

Women don't carry torches for past loves like men do. You will move on and be fine.

 

I'm sorry you feel this way. Obviously someone hurt you in the past and you are using your own experience as a yard-stick by which to measure all women.

But your assessment is wildly off the mark, inaccurate and relatively callous.

For millennia, those in receipt of Romantic Gestures have traditionally been women. It is we who have been the focus of attention, while wildly romantic men have devised and created wonderful ways with which to capture our hearts and win our devotion, for ever. Why? because by and large, women love to be loved. They adhere to the 'don't tell me, show me!" ideology of demonstrable affection. They yearn for the Grand Gesture... so when a man has skilfully won a lady's heart, and captured it and claimed it as his own, why would you suppose that women would be any less damaged, hurt, injured and pained than a man would?

I will say this: Women bleed just as hard, fast and copiously as men do.

But on the whole, our recovery is better because we don't generally wallow, feel sorry for ourselves or bear and harbour irrational and negative thoughts about the other gender.

As with all generalisations, there are naturally exceptions.